A while back someone I know, in speaking about a friend’s grief after her miscarriage, said “I don’t know why she is so upset. She wasn’t even that far along.” At the time I remember thinking it was insensitive, but I also had no categories for it. I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn’t pinpoint why besides the fact that I thought it was rude.
Thankfully, no one has said anything remotely close to that. But I know people who have had something very similar said to them, so it’s probably not an uncommon statement. For the observer of the woman who miscarried it can seem like she is grieving too long, or too much. Often there are no tangible reminders that she was pregnant. Or maybe you didn’t know that she was pregnant until after the miscarriage.
As believers the loss of life at any stage should make us sad and sorrowful for the one suffering the loss—after all we are “pro-life.”
We grieve and fight for the babies lost at the hands of abortionists, and we should. This zeal for life from conception forward should cause us to grieve and embrace our brothers and sisters experiencing a pregnancy loss at any stage. We have been so blessed by “pro-life" people who have done this with us. They have cried with us. They have talked about our baby like he was a person—an image-bearer of God. There have been moments where I tried to “qualify” my grief, like I shouldn’t be this sad because I wasn’t very far along. But a dear friend of mine said to me, emphatically, “no matter the stage, he was still your baby!” To have a friend acknowledge his life meant the world to me.
It’s really important to not de-legitimize the life that was growing inside of a grieving woman. To her (and to God), this baby was not a blob of tissue, or a fetus—he or she was a life. To be pro-life means not only fighting for the unborn lost through murder, but grieving for the life unwillingly lost regardless of gestation. It means allowing a mother to grieve after miscarriage in the same way that we allow a mother to grieve remorse over an abortion. Life lost is sad, especially when it is a child.
The important thing is that we don’t treat a miscarriage as some fluke accident that proves pregnancy is at least possible. One of the most tangible ways to help after a miscarriage is to practice what we preach about life. Allow your friend to talk about her baby in the same way you would if she were carrying the baby to term. Let her know that you care as much about her little one as you do the ones that make it into the nursery at the local hospital.
Life matters. It begins at conception. For every baby.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Missions Wednesday: Yemen
Yemen has been in the news in recent days over the possibility that recovered packages intended to be used for terrorist plots originated in Yemen. It’s really easy to allow situations such as these to breed hatred and dismay for the people of a particular country. Ignorance only fuels that fire. The less we know about a people, often the easier it is to hate them. They don’t have faces. They are trying to kill our people. But if we put faces, or better yet, souls to this situation then hatred has an opportunity to dissolve. After all, it’s not the people of Yemen who are trying to cause terror. It’s a group of people in Yemen. And they kill because they don’t know Jesus. We do. What have we to lose by loving them and knowing a little bit more about them?
Yemen is the poorest country in the Middle East. Over the last 40 years they have been deeply affected by wars. This has only contributed to their poverty. They are also one of the least evangelized countries in the world. There are over 18 million people in Yemen, and 99.94% of them are followers of Islam. This leaves only .06% as “other” (.05% Christian, .01% Jewish). The official government religion is Islam and the legal system follows Shari’a Law. To become a Christian is illegal, and non-Muslims are prohibited from evangelizing. For a Yemeni believer, persecution is inevitable, and the societal pressures faced upon conversion are often overwhelming.
The primary economic product in rural areas is the drug called qat. This makes up 40% of the national economy and has tremendous impact on the productivity and health of the population. Nearly half of all children in Yemen are malnourished, largely due to the high usage of qat and poverty.
Interesting fact: The literacy rate in Yemen is 43% (and only 23% for women). This is staggering. Only 43% of the people (not including women) can read which has tremendous implications for their ability to read God’s word.
Ways to pray:
Yemen is the poorest country in the Middle East. Over the last 40 years they have been deeply affected by wars. This has only contributed to their poverty. They are also one of the least evangelized countries in the world. There are over 18 million people in Yemen, and 99.94% of them are followers of Islam. This leaves only .06% as “other” (.05% Christian, .01% Jewish). The official government religion is Islam and the legal system follows Shari’a Law. To become a Christian is illegal, and non-Muslims are prohibited from evangelizing. For a Yemeni believer, persecution is inevitable, and the societal pressures faced upon conversion are often overwhelming.
The primary economic product in rural areas is the drug called qat. This makes up 40% of the national economy and has tremendous impact on the productivity and health of the population. Nearly half of all children in Yemen are malnourished, largely due to the high usage of qat and poverty.
Interesting fact: The literacy rate in Yemen is 43% (and only 23% for women). This is staggering. Only 43% of the people (not including women) can read which has tremendous implications for their ability to read God’s word.
Ways to pray:
- Pray for believers in Yemen. It is illegal to witness, and persecution is a given for Yemeni Christians. Pray that they will have courage to endure.
- Pray for the least reached. There are many rural areas that have never heard the name of Jesus.
- Pray that God would send missionaries to Yemen and would protect them when they go.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Help After Miscarriage: The Role of "Older" Women
In Paul’s letter to Titus, he tells the young pastor (among other things) to have the older women disciple the younger women in his congregation. He then goes on to list the various things that older women are to train younger women in. These commands have become the foundation for countless women’s ministries across the global church. While these imperatives do not cover the variety of practical day to day occurrences in the life of a woman striving for godliness, the general theme of Titus 2 provides a framework for how we are to live.
I have believed the words of Titus 2:3-5 for a while now. And by God’s grace, have worked hard to live accordingly (both as a mentee and mentor). I didn’t realize how much I needed an older woman until after we lost our baby.
God has been so kind to provide countless “older” women in my life, and that sweet blessing has continued in the months since the miscarriage. It hasn’t always been women older than me numerically, but regardless of age, their wisdom from personal experience has been a lifeline for me in recent days. God has ministered to me through women who have walked this road many years prior, or a few months ago. With every conversation (whether a single instance or multiple meetings), I have heard the all-important words, “You will make it through this intact. God will strengthen you. He will keep you. I know, because he kept me.” I needed to hear women say they still cry about their loss. I needed to hear that grief is necessary and doesn’t always have a timetable. But I also needed (and still need) to hear that God will bring me through this.
I remember vividly attending a conference a week and a half after the miscarriage and really struggling with being in a crowd of people, while having to be happy for that long of a period of time (and if you know me, crowds are life-giving to me normally). On two separate occasions God used two older women to cry with me, pray with me, and share in my hurt. These were God appointed times, where these women were obedient to God’s prompting that a hurting sister needed encouragement. Through them, I felt God’s loving care over my dark circumstance. He used them to part the heavy clouds, even if it was only for a short time.
Some women have been more invested in me than others, simply by the nature of our relationship. They are in it for the long haul; asking the hard questions, praying for me regularly, and seeking to encourage me through a common shared experience. One dear friend told me (after talking with me on the phone for almost an hour after we lost the baby), “you have now crossed over into a group of women that is bonded through this loss, even though we would never have chosen it, it bonds us.”
It’s true.
We need Titus 2 relationships regardless of our circumstances. We need people in our lives. But we need them in our lives before tragedy strikes so they can walk through pain with us. If you are an “older” woman, who has experienced a loss (and you are ready emotionally), one of the most influential ways you can help a woman in the aftermath of a miscarriage is to be the “older” woman for her. Cry with her. Listen to her. Empathize with her. Share your story and let her know that she will survive. Your investment matters. God used these women in my life to hold me up. I know he can use you.
Would I have survived without these women surrounding me? Of course. I have an amazing husband, and more importantly, I have an amazing God. But it surely helped. And for that I am eternally grateful.
I have believed the words of Titus 2:3-5 for a while now. And by God’s grace, have worked hard to live accordingly (both as a mentee and mentor). I didn’t realize how much I needed an older woman until after we lost our baby.
God has been so kind to provide countless “older” women in my life, and that sweet blessing has continued in the months since the miscarriage. It hasn’t always been women older than me numerically, but regardless of age, their wisdom from personal experience has been a lifeline for me in recent days. God has ministered to me through women who have walked this road many years prior, or a few months ago. With every conversation (whether a single instance or multiple meetings), I have heard the all-important words, “You will make it through this intact. God will strengthen you. He will keep you. I know, because he kept me.” I needed to hear women say they still cry about their loss. I needed to hear that grief is necessary and doesn’t always have a timetable. But I also needed (and still need) to hear that God will bring me through this.
I remember vividly attending a conference a week and a half after the miscarriage and really struggling with being in a crowd of people, while having to be happy for that long of a period of time (and if you know me, crowds are life-giving to me normally). On two separate occasions God used two older women to cry with me, pray with me, and share in my hurt. These were God appointed times, where these women were obedient to God’s prompting that a hurting sister needed encouragement. Through them, I felt God’s loving care over my dark circumstance. He used them to part the heavy clouds, even if it was only for a short time.
Some women have been more invested in me than others, simply by the nature of our relationship. They are in it for the long haul; asking the hard questions, praying for me regularly, and seeking to encourage me through a common shared experience. One dear friend told me (after talking with me on the phone for almost an hour after we lost the baby), “you have now crossed over into a group of women that is bonded through this loss, even though we would never have chosen it, it bonds us.”
It’s true.
We need Titus 2 relationships regardless of our circumstances. We need people in our lives. But we need them in our lives before tragedy strikes so they can walk through pain with us. If you are an “older” woman, who has experienced a loss (and you are ready emotionally), one of the most influential ways you can help a woman in the aftermath of a miscarriage is to be the “older” woman for her. Cry with her. Listen to her. Empathize with her. Share your story and let her know that she will survive. Your investment matters. God used these women in my life to hold me up. I know he can use you.
Would I have survived without these women surrounding me? Of course. I have an amazing husband, and more importantly, I have an amazing God. But it surely helped. And for that I am eternally grateful.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Review of The Undistracted Widow
I don't have a missions focus for today primarily because I do these for my church's Wednesday evening prayer service and they were a week behind, so I had this week off. So I'm sorry there is no "Missions Wednesday" this week. But it will be back next week.
If you are interested, here is a link to a book review I wrote for The Gospel Coalition's book review site. Carol Cornish wrote an excellent book on widowhood called The Undistracted Widow. As I say in the review, this is a book that no one wants to have to buy for a friend or family member. But when a loss occurs, in time, it might be a good book to provide a dear sister who has lost her husband. Of course, it would be even better if you read it first! Even though her book is geared towards widows, she has some insightful appendices for how the local church can help widows. And her Christ-exalting language throughout the book is good for anyone going through grief.
But don't take my word for it, read the review and decide for yourself!
If you are interested, here is a link to a book review I wrote for The Gospel Coalition's book review site. Carol Cornish wrote an excellent book on widowhood called The Undistracted Widow. As I say in the review, this is a book that no one wants to have to buy for a friend or family member. But when a loss occurs, in time, it might be a good book to provide a dear sister who has lost her husband. Of course, it would be even better if you read it first! Even though her book is geared towards widows, she has some insightful appendices for how the local church can help widows. And her Christ-exalting language throughout the book is good for anyone going through grief.
But don't take my word for it, read the review and decide for yourself!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Help After Miscarriage: Hope for Them
Yesterday, I talked about how helpful prayer is in the weeks and months following a miscarriage. One of the things that has been such a blessing to me since we lost the baby is how much hope other people have had for us. We’ve received emails and cards with hope-filled words. Women who are dear and close to me have hoped in God’s goodness for me when I couldn’t bring myself to hope—or when I couldn’t see far enough ahead to hope. That’s what the body of Christ is supposed to do—hold us up when we are falling and bring words of hope when we are hopeless. For me, at times, it feels like I will never be pregnant again. For my sweet friends, they have confident hope in God’s goodness for me. They know that good will come in my life. They continue to pray for me when I am too faithless to get down on my knees.
Like I have said before, this will look different for every woman. Knowing her pain, disposition, and circumstances is key to bringing hope-filled words. In the immediate aftermath of the miscarriage words do not bring hope as much as tears and sheer presence. As a side note, I can’t even begin to describe how much it blessed me when people just cried with me. To me, their tears meant that they felt my loss and they cared. But in recent days tears have been less and hopeful words have been more. It might mean a card with Scripture, or an email to check-in, or even sending her something to remember her baby. A dear friend of mine would pray Scripture for me and when she sent me cards or emails she would include the particular Scripture she had been praying. All of these things have brought so much light into my life in recent days.
Hoping for your friend does not mean simply quoting Scripture to her in hopes she will move on from her pain. Rather it is an empathetic, heartfelt, Christ-like response to one who is grieving and often times cannot see the hope right in front of her face. It is simply bringing into focus the things she can’t really see through the dark clouds of grief. It’s sort of like holding her arms up when she is too weary and weak to keep going (Exodus 17: 8-16). Hoping for your friend means trusting that God is not finished with her yet, and it means leaning into him for grace to minister and grace to carry on.
Like I have said before, this will look different for every woman. Knowing her pain, disposition, and circumstances is key to bringing hope-filled words. In the immediate aftermath of the miscarriage words do not bring hope as much as tears and sheer presence. As a side note, I can’t even begin to describe how much it blessed me when people just cried with me. To me, their tears meant that they felt my loss and they cared. But in recent days tears have been less and hopeful words have been more. It might mean a card with Scripture, or an email to check-in, or even sending her something to remember her baby. A dear friend of mine would pray Scripture for me and when she sent me cards or emails she would include the particular Scripture she had been praying. All of these things have brought so much light into my life in recent days.
Hoping for your friend does not mean simply quoting Scripture to her in hopes she will move on from her pain. Rather it is an empathetic, heartfelt, Christ-like response to one who is grieving and often times cannot see the hope right in front of her face. It is simply bringing into focus the things she can’t really see through the dark clouds of grief. It’s sort of like holding her arms up when she is too weary and weak to keep going (Exodus 17: 8-16). Hoping for your friend means trusting that God is not finished with her yet, and it means leaning into him for grace to minister and grace to carry on.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Help After Miscarriage: Pray For Their Marriage
God has been kind to provide countless people who have ministered to Daniel and me in the weeks and months following our miscarriage. There were days where I was overwhelmed by the encouragement our dear friends and family graciously gave to us. I have heard people say that pregnancy loss is a “silent sorrow.” And in many ways it is. There is a deep ache in my soul that is hard to put into words at times. But many of our dear friends have shared in this sorrow with us given a voice to the silence.
As I have time I am going to be posting some ways that we have been helped through our miscarriage in hopes that it helps others grasping for ways to minister to friends and family. It won’t be exhaustive and it will only be from my own experience. Everyone responds to loss differently, so it won’t be, and could never be, cookie cutter. Nothing replaces knowing your friend in her loss. So if these ways don’t work for her, that’s okay. Just know that everyone is different. Thank you all who have read and prayed for us from afar. I guess this is what it feels like to be a proud mom, because it means the world to me that you care about our little baby.
Daniel and I have leaned into each other and the Savior in ways we never dreamed of on the day we said “I do.” Sometimes I look at our wedding pictures and tear up thinking to myself, “you didn’t know what was coming.” And we still don’t, really. This is the first of many sufferings we will face as God gives us lives together. It’s not easy. But I wouldn’t want to go through it with anyone else given the choice. This experience has bonded us. I love him more today than I did this time last year.
Perhaps the way to help the couple most in the days following a miscarriage is to pray for their marriage. If your friends are like us they will probably grieve differently, so as time moves on one spouse might feel left behind. This can cause tension, or at least it did for us for a period of time. The enemy hates two things especially—life and marriage; life because it represents the image of God, and marriage because it points to the hope of Christ and his blood-bought relationship with the Church. If he can’t destroy you by taking away your child, he will work overtime to rip apart your marriage. At least that is what it felt like to me. God used the prayers of our friends and family to uphold us.
By God’s grace, this tension only lasted for a few short days. But in the days following this moment of distance I realized how easy it is for couples to drift apart after a loss, and many do. Pray for your friend’s marriage. It might seem like a small way to help, but it can work wonders in their life. God delights in answering the prayers of his people, and he delights in godly marriages showcasing his glory in the midst of sorrow. Pray that this is the case for your friend. She may never know that you did this for her, but God will know. And the fruit born out of praying friends will have a lasting impact in the life of your friend, her marriage, and in the lives of her future children.
As I have time I am going to be posting some ways that we have been helped through our miscarriage in hopes that it helps others grasping for ways to minister to friends and family. It won’t be exhaustive and it will only be from my own experience. Everyone responds to loss differently, so it won’t be, and could never be, cookie cutter. Nothing replaces knowing your friend in her loss. So if these ways don’t work for her, that’s okay. Just know that everyone is different. Thank you all who have read and prayed for us from afar. I guess this is what it feels like to be a proud mom, because it means the world to me that you care about our little baby.
Daniel and I have leaned into each other and the Savior in ways we never dreamed of on the day we said “I do.” Sometimes I look at our wedding pictures and tear up thinking to myself, “you didn’t know what was coming.” And we still don’t, really. This is the first of many sufferings we will face as God gives us lives together. It’s not easy. But I wouldn’t want to go through it with anyone else given the choice. This experience has bonded us. I love him more today than I did this time last year.
Perhaps the way to help the couple most in the days following a miscarriage is to pray for their marriage. If your friends are like us they will probably grieve differently, so as time moves on one spouse might feel left behind. This can cause tension, or at least it did for us for a period of time. The enemy hates two things especially—life and marriage; life because it represents the image of God, and marriage because it points to the hope of Christ and his blood-bought relationship with the Church. If he can’t destroy you by taking away your child, he will work overtime to rip apart your marriage. At least that is what it felt like to me. God used the prayers of our friends and family to uphold us.
By God’s grace, this tension only lasted for a few short days. But in the days following this moment of distance I realized how easy it is for couples to drift apart after a loss, and many do. Pray for your friend’s marriage. It might seem like a small way to help, but it can work wonders in their life. God delights in answering the prayers of his people, and he delights in godly marriages showcasing his glory in the midst of sorrow. Pray that this is the case for your friend. She may never know that you did this for her, but God will know. And the fruit born out of praying friends will have a lasting impact in the life of your friend, her marriage, and in the lives of her future children.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Friday is for Food: Bruschetta Chicken Bake
I made this a couple of weeks ago and Daniel really enjoyed it, which is always a plus! It's super easy and pretty cost-efficient too. I get periodic Kraft Food recipe emails and I have liked every recipe I have made from them so far. Here it is:
Bruschetta Chicken Bake
What you need:
1 can (14-1/2 oz.) diced tomatoes, undrained
1 pkg. (6 oz.) STOVE TOP Stuffing Mix for Chicken (I use generic stuffing from the store)
1/2 cup water
2 cloves garlic, minced
1-1/2 lb. boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into bite-size pieces (I cooked mine first)
1 tsp. dried basil leaves
1 cup KRAFT 2% Milk Shredded Mozzarella Cheese (again, I use generic cheese)
Directions:
Heat oven to 400 degrees
MIX tomatoes, stuffing mix, water and garlic just until stuffing mix is moistened.
LAYER chicken, basil and cheese in 3-qt. casserole or 13x9-inch baking dish.
TOP with stuffing. Bake 30 min. or until chicken is done.
See! Super simple and super yummy! Enjoy your weekend!
Bruschetta Chicken Bake
What you need:
1 can (14-1/2 oz.) diced tomatoes, undrained
1 pkg. (6 oz.) STOVE TOP Stuffing Mix for Chicken (I use generic stuffing from the store)
1/2 cup water
2 cloves garlic, minced
1-1/2 lb. boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into bite-size pieces (I cooked mine first)
1 tsp. dried basil leaves
1 cup KRAFT 2% Milk Shredded Mozzarella Cheese (again, I use generic cheese)
Directions:
Heat oven to 400 degrees
MIX tomatoes, stuffing mix, water and garlic just until stuffing mix is moistened.
LAYER chicken, basil and cheese in 3-qt. casserole or 13x9-inch baking dish.
TOP with stuffing. Bake 30 min. or until chicken is done.
See! Super simple and super yummy! Enjoy your weekend!
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