Lessons Learned in Six Months of Motherhood

I have only been a mother to little babies for six months now (how did that go so fast?!?!?), so I am by no means an expert. In fact, I am pretty sure I know less about parenthood today than I did the moment the boys were born. Motherhood has humbled me, big time. And (on most days), I'm so thankful for that. Before I had the boys I thought pretty highly of myself. I had watched my friends have kids and thought I had a pretty good handle on this whole parenting thing. I was going to be that "laid back mom" who made everyone marvel at my mad mothering skills. First, I don't know where I ever got the idea that I had a shred of an easy going personality. And second, I was way wrong. Like I said, motherhood has humbled me. So this post is mostly a confession about all I've learned these last crazy six months. It's not a parenting manual. It's just reality. And I'm sure in the next six months my eyes will be opened to the many more things I have yet to learn.

So consider this a letter to my first time mom self. It's what I only wish I knew six months ago.

Hold the baby. Seriously, Courtney. Pick up that sweet baby you helped create and snuggle until both your hearts are content. I was like a "holding Nazi." The boys could only be held at certain times of the day and for only a prescribed period of time. My poor dad came to visit right after they came home from the hospital and I was so stressed about them getting used to being held and never sleeping at night that I took no pictures of him holding the twins because he hardly even got to hold them. I'm sure he held them some, but not as much as he should have. Courtney, hold the baby.

Self-soothe will come later. Again, I was obsessed with this whole self-soothe idea. I read all these things about the importance of learning how to self-soothe. I didn't want them to be poorly adjusted and have issues until they were adults because they never learned this vital skill, so I stressed about it. And stressed about it and stressed about it. They will learn it, Courtney. If they don't, I'm pretty sure they won't be relying on you for comfort when they are eighteen.

Relax. Just relax. Sleep patterns will emerge. You will survive the sleepless nights with most of your sanity in place. They will eventually stop crying, and life will settle into a good routine. Relaxing will help you enjoy the moment, which is the most important thing in these early days. The precious, baby moments won't last forever and you will want to remember yourself relaxed and happy, not frazzled and crazy.

Put down the books and get to know your baby. Having twins has really made me see that no two babies are alike, even if their DNA is exactly the same. If I believed everything a book told me I would be trying to fit one or both of my children into a mold that he simply wasn't made for.

Let go of your need for control, because it's just an illusion anyway. This is a lesson that God obviously wants me to learn because he keeps bringing it up in my life. I want to learn it well.

And most importantly, Courtney, be thankful to God for these precious gifts. You aren't guaranteed more sleep. You aren't guaranteed days of ease. You aren't guaranteed obedient children. But you are guaranteed a heart full of love. And that's what I want to remember from this first year of life. I want to remember that my heart swells with love for these precious boys every time they look me in the eye and smile bigger than I knew possible. I want to remember that I'm daily brought to tears over God's provision for these boys. These are the things that will stay with me even when the most well intentioned day doesn't even come close to going as planned.

It's been a good six months as their momma. And I can't wait for every month after.

Faithfulness and Legalism

People often use Galatians in the fight against legalism, and rightfully so. In the letter, Paul is combating legalism in the lives of the Galatian Christians. Many of them are abandoning the true gospel of Jesus Christ for Judaism. They would rather work to earn their salvation than trust in the grace of Christ’s atoning work. But these days it seems the legalism label gets slapped on anything that smells of telling someone else what God requires of them. As one who tends towards legalism, I understand the dangers of believing your good works can save you. I know what it’s like to prefer a list over faith in the work of Another. I know what it’s like to turn down my nose at someone who does things differently than me, or worse does things that I have deemed unacceptable in God’s eyes (but really isn’t as bad as I think). And to turn the finger even more towards me, I know what it’s like to swell with sinful pride over my own perceived good Christian behavior, if that’s even possible.

But what concerns me about the quickness to call many things legalism is that I think it’s missing a larger point, and one that Paul makes repeatedly in Galatians. Legalism is the belief that your good works save you. Legalism is the belief that obedience to the law, whether it’s God’s law or another law, is what secures your salvation. The Jewish people believed their faith rested on this obedience. They were wrong all along.

Paul is not writing to the Galatians encouraging them to abandon obedience to God or even good works. In fact, he spends a good part of Galatians 5 talking about obedience. He even goes so far as to distinguish between walking by the Spirit and walking by the flesh. In Paul’s (and God’s) eyes those are two very different things. Galatians 5:16-24 says:

 

“But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

Essentially Paul is saying that if we are saved by Christ, and indwelt by the Holy Spirit, there will be a distinctiveness to our life—i.e. good works. This doesn’t mean those works save us, make us better than others, or even give us grounds for boasting. Rather those good works prove that we were even saved to begin with. Those who “inherit the kingdom of God” are those who are redeemed by Christ. Our obedience is not our ticket to heaven bought by us. It’s our proof of purchase, and Christ is the one who purchased us.

 

My concern with the quickness to define any call to obedience or faithfulness as legalism is that it misses the reason for which we were called—to give God glory. God gets all the glory when we walk humbly with him. Our meager lives of faithfulness tell a wonderful story of what God has done in our lives through Christ. When we diminish faithfulness to the Savior we diminish that testimony.

Paul knew better than anybody what it was like to be tempted to boast in his own righteousness. He was a former Jewish leader who rarely did anything wrong in the world’s eyes. But instead of telling Christians to let grace be grace, namely abandon the law, he tells them to do something even greater. He tells them to walk by the Spirit. He tells them to put on love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These things defy the law because they are impossible to do on our own, which is why he tells us again in Galatians 6:9 to “not grow weary in doing good.” Christians are called to good works. Christians should expect faithfulness of one another. Christians should want to live according to the fruit of the Spirit. But Christians also know that apart from Christ all our faithfulness is in vain.

 

Legalism is a serious sin with serious consequences. But so is lack of faithfulness. Both acts lead to disastrous conclusions. As Christians, we should fight them both with the very weapons Paul uses, namely the Holy Spirit. It is only through his abundant work that we will be able to stand against legalism and licentiousness in our own hearts.

A Kindness That Cannot Be Repaid

Every day I stare at a big stack of thank you notes from my baby shower. And that’s pretty much all I do with them. You see, my baby shower was nine days before the boys’ unexpected arrival. I barely had time to unpack and put away all of the gracious gifts before our doctor told us “it’s time to have these babies.” When the whirlwind of their birth happened even more people poured out abundant kindness to us through meals, more gifts, and rides to the hospital. There were many days that we were moved to tears by all that people were doing for us. And my thank you list kept growing. Every time someone bought something for us or did a kind deed everything in me wanted to find some way to repay them for all of their service to us. And yet, here I was helpless (and I still am pretty helpless) to do anything because I was overwhelmed by a major surgery recovery and caring for two boys in the NICU. Now that they are home I have even less time.

 

I have said before that this season in my life feels like I am constantly depending on people. And that’s hard for me. Now I can’t even appropriately thank the people who care for us. My inability to properly thank people in a reasonable time frame, has caused me to better understand Christ’s work on my behalf. My needy, desperate state as a busy mom of two little babies has helped me see my needy, desperate state before the God of the universe. Christ invaded my dead heart and made me alive through his blood. Christ is strong when I am weak. Christ is sufficient when I am failing. And every day is another reminder that I can’t repay him either. There is no amount of goodness that will be enough for what he did for me. There is no big enough “thank you” for his sacrifice on my behalf.

So while etiquette and thankfulness rightly tell me that sending those thank you’s is the right thing to do, and it is (and I’m finally almost done!). My feelings of inadequacy to ever say or do enough in return are here to stay. Not only do they remind me of God’s kindness to me through people, but more importantly they remind me of his kindness to me through our Savior. He has given the ultimate gift that can never be repaid.

True Freedom

"To enjoy thee is life eternal, and to enjoy is to know. Keep me in the freedom of experiencing thy salvation continually." - Valley of Vision

Last year, my husband and I had some Muslim friends over for dinner. We had spent the entire semester getting to know them through a ministry that our church is involved in that helps them learn English. As eager young students in America for the first time, they loved hearing about all things USA, even our religion. Of course, that meant that we also would hear about their religion, which we happily obliged. We were intrigued as they talked about the many facets of Islam, many of which I had never heard before. But one statement really stayed with me, and still is with me today:

"At the end of your life you can only hope that you have done enough good for Allah to allow you into heaven."

That sobered me. In that moment it hit me--they have no assurance of their own salvation. They have no way of knowing whether or not they will spend eternity in heaven or hell. They are strictly at the mercy of a god who reserves the right to turn them away if he thinks they aren't good enough.

Christianity is the only religion that promises the exact opposite. Yes, it gives us the condemnation that we are utterly sinful and unable to save ourselves. But it also delivers good news. Someone else paid the penalty for us. And not just anyone, it was God himself.

Micah 7:18 tells us that God blots out our transgressions. This is true freedom, not that we can save ourselves, but that our gracious and merciful God saves us from ourselves. We are free because of Christ's atoning blood.

What our friends are blinded to is the reality that no amount of good will ever be enough. And yet, deep down I think they know that. They are constantly hoping and working to do enough good, all the while wondering if it will ever be enough. They are in bondage to their own quest for good works. God tells us that we are free because of Christ's good work. We can rest in his goodness and know that it saves and sanctifies us and will one day carry us to glory.

The different between Christianity and all other religions is that Christianity promises that you are free in Christ. Only by the Savior's precious blood can you be truly free, free at last.

What I've Been Up To: Being a Mom

It's hard to believe that the boys are already three months old. I feel like I say that every week! But yesterday they passed the three month mark and we are more in love with them today than we were yesterday.

They are rapidly growing boys, and they sure like to eat! Nearly two weeks ago, Zach weighed 9 lbs 7 oz and Luke weighed 8 lbs. Not bad for babies that were born in the 3 lb range. They are slowly getting better at napping and sleeping, though they go down at night pretty well (which is a huge blessing for mommy and daddy). They still get up twice in the middle of the night, but Daniel and I alternate those feedings, so only one of us gets up for each feedings. Survival is a key word around here these days.

I knew that I would love them deeply when I saw their sweet faces, but I had no context for how my heart would swell with love upon their arrival. And I had no idea how it would only grow with each passing day. Just when I thought I couldn't love them more, I wake up and there it is--more love in my heart for them.

I also feel like I'm slowly emerging from a three month coma. Life has continued on for everyone else and I've been in my own little world far, far away from everyone else. First it was the NICU that kept me away, then it was adjusting to life at home with two very little babies. I finally feel good about leaving the house with the both of them. And we even took our first family trip to Branson, MO!

I've managed to write a few things for other websites since they have been home, but as you can see by the crickets chirping on this blog that my writing has been sporadic at best. That doesn't mean I don't have a ton of ideas and half written posts in this frazzled brain of mine. I told a friend the other day that I'm learning that motherhood doesn't mean you check your thinking at the birthing room, but it sure does mean you have to write when you have time or deal with half written posts for a while.

And that's the crazy thing about motherhood. It gives you so many more new ideas to write about, but there is always a shortage of time to do much of anything, like basic personal hygiene. So writing has been low on the priority totem pole, at least writing on the blog. But, boy, do I have ideas. Hopefully in the coming days, weeks, and months I can get around to those ideas for my own soul, and for my readers as well.

So thanks for sticking around. I have not left for good. Just consider this silence as an extended maternity leave, one that will most likely be ending slowly in the near future.

The New Face of CBMW

Boy, has it been quiet around here. The boys came home from the NICU on March 11 and it has been a whirlwind of night feedings, day feedings, bottles, and sweet cuddle times with our twinsies. Needless to say,  I have had little time to think, let alone write. But I'm slowly emerging from the fog of having two newborns.

That's why I'm here to tell you some exciting news! The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (an organization I greatly care about) has launched a new website. And that's not all. There are a number of new initiatives bundled into this fresh change to the site, one being a new women's channel exclusively devoted to our female readers. I am the assistant editor of the site and I am very excited about the team of writers we have lined up! CBMW is where I got my start writing publicly and I consider it a great privilege to be back working for them.

So head on over to the CBMW site today (or any day this week) and check out the new content we have in a variety of venues. Our desire is to continue to provide excellent resources and commentary on a myriad of gender related issues from a biblical perspective. CBMW has always been about Christ and the Bible. That hasn't changed. When you have a chance, visit CBMW today. There is something there for everyone!

What I've Been Up To: My Writing

Even though I haven't been doing much writing on this little blog (I hope that changes sometime soon!), I did write a few articles in other venues that were published shortly after the boys were born. I figured I would post them here for any who are interested.

A Higher Calling to Protect (Christianity Today women's blog)--this article was written shortly after the decision by the military to allow women in combat.

The Quest for a Bigger, Better, Cuter Pregnancy (Christianity Today women's blog)--How should Christian's think about the commercialization of pregnancy?

Limitations: Our Gift from God (Gospel Coalition)--I wrote this article nearly a year ago. It's interesting to read it again now knowing that I wrote in the midst of our infertility.

Your Womanhood is Not on Hold (Gospel Coalition)--This is another article that I wrote right before I found out I was pregnant. God is kind to remind me of all that he taught me in the days of our longings.