Me, a Mentor? How We Disciple

We have now talked about the reasons why we mentor and who we mentor, and now I will conclude this brief series with how we mentor. In reality, there is no “special formula” for us to follow. There are, however, areas that older woman are to instruct the younger women. And while we are exhorted to teach in these areas, we are not told step by step how we are to go about doing so.

Older woman are to teach younger woman how to live as godly lives. Titus 2:3-5 and Proverbs 31 are our God-ordained guidelines for biblical womanhood. Teaching a younger woman how to “love her husband” will look very different if you are a mother teaching her daughter that her response to her father now reflects how she will respond to her husband later. Or, if you are an older married woman teaching a newly married woman how to respond biblically to her husband when she feels her tendency towards Eve rising up in her.

First, teaching and mentorship is an intentional activity. Discipleship does not happen by passively living life. Rather it happens when older women move out of their comfort zones and discerningly teach and lead younger woman towards Christ. As single women we too have a responsibility to teach biblical womanhood because we are born women, we do not become women. If we are not intentionally cultivating womanhood in our own life, and then pouring it into the lives of others, we will by default become like the world around us.

Secondly, discipleship is about community. Only within a redeemed community can we see life-on-life relationships that seek to sanctify and sharpen one another. As Christians we are called out of a community of darkness and into a community of light—and that light is Christ. Discipleship happens when we realize that it is not simply a new program or system put in place to make “friends.” Rather we are redeemed sinners living for the King, who will return to make all things new. This is the basis for our relationship. If our discipleship is not serving and building up the local church, then we have missed the mark in some way.

It is important to ask ourselves if our relationships are moving us towards biblical womanhood or away from it. If they are moving us away from it, then we are not mentoring in the way that God has designed. In your efforts to disciple do not feel discouraged if your activities seem less than ideal. What is most important is that you are obeying God's command and desiring to see women grow in Christ. As we grow as the disciplers and the discipled many practical issues will fall into place. Know, dear Christian, that your efforts are not in vain.

As I conclude this short series here are some practical starters for discipleship:

• Start a small group bible study in your home (if you do not feel that God has gifted you to teach, volunteer to host the study in your home and build relationships with women that way)
  
• If you are single, invite a younger woman, or girl, to serve in the local church with you in whatever ministry you happen to be involved in. I invited a girl I mentored to serve with me in the nursery on a couple of occasions.
  
• Offer to help a young mother out with her toddler and new infant.
  
• Invite a young wife over and offer to cook together—you can even do this with a single woman

Helpful books:

Let Me Be a Woman
Biblical Womanhood in the Home
The Legacy of Biblical Womanhood
Girl Talk
Feminine Appeal

Me, a Mentor? Who We Disciple

I was at a graduation brunch a week ago, and the woman who hosted the event had discipled the graduate for the last year. It was a sweet testimony of a Titus 2 relationship, and it was an encouragement I know to me, and I am sure to many who were there. As she gave a brief talk about the graduate, she encouraged every woman in the room to pour our lives into another woman even if we feel that we have nothing to offer. She encouraged us that God had made each of us is a little bit ahead of a woman in some way, and that we can walk through life in obedience to the Titus 2 call on our lives. This was immensely encouraging to me. I don’t know about you, but there are many times that I feel that I have nothing to offer to a younger woman. But as we have seen already, our ability to disciple is not based on our merit, but on the merit of Christ. If we are growing in Christlikeness and pursuing holiness we have something to offer—the Savior.

Mothers have an especially high calling to disciple their daughters. If you are a mother, your primary sphere of influence is your children—and especially in the life of your daughter. It is through you that she will learn what it means to be a woman, and it is your responsibility to teach her how to live as the woman that God has called her to be. Married women, even without daughters, can be a tremendous blessing to younger women around them. I know that my mom was encouraged and strengthened by an older, married woman in her life when she was a young mother with two children. And now that my mom’s children are out of the house (or on their way out), she is a great source of encouragement to young mothers around her.

If you are married and do not have children yet, this does not mean that you are to wait for biological children in order to pour your life into others. Marriage is a maturing and sanctifying process that, by the grace of God, gives you tremendous opportunities to teach and train a woman who has not been given this season of life yet. Perhaps there is a college-age woman in your church who you can befriend and disciple. Or perhaps there are opportunities for you to serve the youth in your congregation by leading a small group Bible study. I have been so blessed by the married women in my life. They have taught me tremendous truths about loving their husbands and running a home—even before there were children in the picture.

Single women are called to be mentors, too. I wouldn’t be writing about it if this were not a true statement! Singleness is a wonderful season of freedom to give our lives for the building up of God’s kingdom. If we abandoned, or postponed, our calling to disciple younger women even now, we would be wasting our singleness—and doing a disservice to the Gospel. As we cultivate biblical womanhood in our own lives, we can use these times to teach other single, younger woman how to joyfully serve God even while we wait for what we desire. Maybe you have a young neighbor girl whose mother works nights. Perhaps you can invite her over to bake cookies and talk about the Gospel. Maybe you live in a college dorm with a lot of freshman. This is an amazing opportunity to be a help and encouragement to a young girl in her first year away from home.

Discipleship is for all ages and all seasons. As we grow in the Gospel, we should be seeking to impart the truth that we have received and taught. We have already seen that we do not mentor out of our own ability, but out of the strength that God provides. And we do not mentor only if we are seasoned with a long life, many experiences, and four kids. A heart of discipleship begins by cultivating it while we are young, and as we mature the Lord provides varying opportunities in different seasons of life. Discipleship looks very different as a single woman compared to a mother with many children and a husband.

And that is where we will pick up next time…

Me, a Mentor? Why We Disciple

Despite what we might hear from feminists in the culture around us, women can be useful and fulfilled while still teaching “only” women and children. It is important to remember first in our discussion about mentoring that Paul did not command Titus to disciple the women in his congregation. Rather, he commanded the women in Titus’ congregation to teach the younger women (Titus 2:3-5). There was nothing in Paul’s words that indicated that this divine calling on the women under Titus’ leadership was subhuman or demeaning. Instead it is portrayed as a great help and blessing considering that no one else was commanded to do it besides these women! We live in a world that sees emphasis on training women to be workers at home, loving their husbands and children, and being diligent in kindness, godliness, and purity as a complete absurdity. But this does not mean that we run from this command. In order for us to be driven towards mentoring and discipleship, it is helpful to first note why we disciple.

First, we mentor because God has commanded that we do so. Titus 2 exhorts older women to train younger women. This training is not necessarily a structured system, though structure might help for a season, rather it is a life on life friendship that aids a younger woman in her pursuit of her Savior. I will get into the practicalities of this in my third post, but for now we can leave it at the simple fact that God has commanded us to disciple younger women. In fact, Carolyn Mahaney encourages us to seek these relationships out when she says in Feminine Appeal, “younger women should consistently pursue more mature women to learn from their wisdom and experience. Older women should prayerfully consider the younger women that God has brought into their lives, in order to encourage and support them.”

Secondly, and most importantly, we mentor because of the Gospel. If we mentor a young woman, or are mentored, and all we learn or teach are helpful things to make our home more manageable, we have failed in the primary purpose of our pursuits—making Christ look attractive. Discipleship is not about creating empty moralists, in fact often times it is a lot easier to simply encourage behavior modification instead of a genuine heart transformation by the Gospel. This should not be our aim. Mahaney also says that our efforts in growing in godly womanhood are “required for the sake of unbelievers—so that those who are lost might come to know our Savior.”

This is our purpose in all things. We want people to see Christ as infinitely valuable and treasure him above all things. This is especially relevant in our Titus 2 relationships. There will be many occasions in our own lives and in the lives of the women we disciple that something other than Christ will rise up as treasure. If we are not intentionally involved in the lives of other believers we can become increasingly unaware of the glaring idol that has replaced our Christ. We disciple because God has created us to live in community with one another—as redeemed sinners living life on life for the glory of His great name.

Brief Postponement

Last week I said that I was going to start a series on mentoring, and I am--next week. I am swamped in the middle of finals this week, and come Thursday night I am out of school for the summer. Which means...I will be able to post a lot more and get my bearings some!

So, I promise that by Monday I will resume posting about mentoring. And stay tuned because I have a lot of ideas for this blog over the summer...

Memoirs of a Mentor

(Please forgive me for the cheesy title). I have had the tremendous privilege of serving on the Pendergraph Women's Ministry Board this year at Southern. Last night we hosted an event on mentoring and they asked me to give a brief testimony on my experience as a mentor. I decided to speak about two dear friends of mine, Brittany LaBonte and Whitney Waldemar. Below is what I said at the event. We also made decorated tables in honor of our mentors, so I did mine in honor of my mom. In the next couple of weeks I hope to blog about mentoring and what Titus 2 ministry looks like as a single woman (though I will also talk about it more generally). I hope that this testimony is a blessing and an encouragement to you today!

I used to think that discipleship was about me. As I felt God calling me to ministry I began feeling the burden to minister to other women, which was not a wrong desire. But, I thought it would work my way. And my way was a romantic idea of finding a girl to disciple. We would meet. I would see her desperate need for my help, and I would disciple her and change her life. Thankfully, God rescued me from this sinful and very wrong idea. I first met Brittany in the beginning of my senior. She was a freshman who I didn’t have any real interest in getting to know. She immediately had a lot of friends, and I, in my sinfulness, questioned her love for the Gospel because of her friends. The week before I left for Fall Break she approached me in the cafeteria. Freshman couldn’t have cars and she needed a ride home for break. I just so happened to be the only girl on our campus who lived near her house. The last thing I wanted to do was to give her a ride home. And I definitely knew God would rather me use my drive time for my personal edification—not driving some freshman home. I mean, I had already had a hard semester trying to disciple women, I needed the break. But I had no legitimate reason to say no, so one week later we were headed to Michigan for break.

God used that ride to shatter a lot of pride in my heart. I told her that we would listen to sermons on the way home (thinking that she probably wouldn’t want to do that, but I was going to put my foot down anyway), but she seemed very excited about the idea and I still remember the encouragement that I felt when I saw her pull her Bible out and take notes. She and I shared our testimonies, which were very similar, and she asked me a lot of questions about moving on from a sinful past because hers was fresher than mine. As the drive continued, the Lord began to soften my heart towards her. And the entire week that I was home I felt the Lord leading me to ask her if she wanted to meet on a regular basis.

It was after that drive that we began to meet almost every week for nearly two years. We went to church together every Sunday, we prayed together often, and I always looked forward to our rides home at breaks. God used her to break my ideologies about discipleship. God knew exactly what I needed when he brought Brittany into my life. Discipleship was not about me seeking out the girl who I thought needed the most help, rather discipleship is about me being obedient to the Titus 2 mandate that God has placed on my life. Discipleship was just as much, if not more, of a sanctifying process for me than it even was for Brittany. As I would seek to pour truth into her, I myself had to believe in and know the Gospel that I was proclaiming. We always joke about how I always have the same experiences right before she does, and God has used all of those experiences in both of us to conform us more into the image of his Son. As I grew in my relationship with the Lord, I grew in my relationship with Brittany because she and I were both striving for the same goal.

Because God changed my heart about discipleship first with Brittany, it freed me to be more intentional in pursuing ministry to women. I knew that I was discipling not because of my great intellect or righteousness, but because Titus 2 is for all of us—including me. I began working with senior high girls at my church in Minnesota after college. It was there that I met the Waldemar family. Whitney, their now 16 year old daughter, was in my small group and her parents had been praying about asking an older girl to mentor Whitney. After praying and talking about it, they asked me. We hardly knew each other, but they felt God leading them towards me. And for six months, the Lord allowed me to not only mentor Whitney, but be apart of her family as well. She and I went on a mission trip to a Jamaican orphanage this summer as a part of a team of mothers and daughters. Mrs. Waldemar and I would talk often, not only about Whitney, but about what God was doing in me as well. She was one of the primary encouragers of me coming to seminary. She was even my ride when my car broke down, and it broke down often. By the time I moved here, both she and Whitney had become like family to me. Their love for the Gospel and desire to know Christ caused me to love him more.

I can remember many occasions where I walked away from meeting with Brittany and Whitney with an intense joy in the Gospel because of what they were saying about their love for the Savior. Their walks with Christ challenged me and spurred me on to greater holiness and pursuit of Christ.

Often we feel strange talking about our discipleship of other people. We don’t want to sound self-promoting or arrogant. But this stems from an unbiblical understanding of discipleship. It is not because of my merit that I discipled women. And it is not my merit that will enable me to continue discipling women. If discipleship was about my ability and righteousness, I would be doomed. It is the Gospel that moves me to discipleship. God has commanded that we disciple younger women, even now, not because we are great but because he wants people to know him and grow in him. Titus 2 ministry is not based on merit, but on grace. And if I was not growing in my love for the Savior while I discipled these women, then there was something lacking in my life. There was not a moment that went by in my relationships with these women that I did not walk away praising God for the work that he had done in their and my lives. Discipleship is not just a one-sided effort, and there is no manual besides the Bible. Rather, it is a life-on-life relationship rooted in the Gospel.

I still talk with both Brittany and Whitney. And there is not a week that goes by that I do not miss them and long for their friendship. God was so good to me in giving me them. They were, and are still, a blessing to me, and tremendously used by God to point me to the Cross.

Thank you for your friendship, Brittany and Whitney. Not only do I consider you dear friends, but I consider you my sisters, too. Our God is good indeed.

Why I Hate Saying Goodbye

I have been looking forward to April and May for a while now. Not only because it means the end of school and beginning of summer, but mainly because I had visits with friends and family to look forward to. The excitement started over spring break, when I was able to go home and visit my parents in Florida for a few days—which was such a blessing. Then I knew that when I came back it would be the Together for the Gospel conference, and many friends from my church back in Minnesota would be coming-which was another huge blessing. The two biggest visits of all are that my old roommate and a friend are coming down for the New Attitude conference Memorial Day weekend and we get to go together. Then right after that I get to go home for a week and visit my parents and youngest brother again, and my brother and his wife will be there, too. I know. That’s a lot of updating, but it shows how exciting and full these two months have and will be!

Last week was a life-giving week for me as I caught up with old friends and even made new ones. And going home was so refreshing because I was able to get away, relax, and fellowship with my family. It is hard to walk away from weeks like that and not be in humble praise to God for his provision in my life.

I can hardly contain my excitement when I get to see my friends and family from far away. It’s like Christmas for me all over again. But the presents go away. Even though we have phone calls and emails, it’s not the same as having them around me to talk with and laugh with and hug.

I have been thinking about goodbyes a lot this year. Probably because I have had to say some hard goodbyes to people that I love dearly. Moving is never easy. As I have worked through the emotions of saying goodbye, it has made me think about heaven more—and why goodbyes feel so unnatural.

Each time I say goodbye to my family, or close friends, it is a reminder for me to look forward. And not just forward to months when I will see them again, but to the place where we will be together forever—heaven. Goodbyes were meant to be sad because we were never designed to say goodbye. I think that the sadness that I feel when I say goodbye is a reminder that things are not quite right here on earth. And the excitement I experience when I see loved ones is a reminder of the hope that we will one day be together again, and goodbyes will be no more. If we are in Christ, we are able to say goodbye with hope. We know that our goodbyes are not the end, even when the goodbye is lowering a mother, father, or even a child, into a dark grave plot.

The Gospel reconciles us to God and begins the restoration process of what was lost. Part of what was lost is the fact that we are no longer in unbroken fellowship with God, and each other. Death is the great separator, and the small sting of a goodbye is a reminder of that great sting. But death has no sting for us because of Christ. And even though goodbyes are sad, their sting has been conquered by our King as well.

So, to all of you that I was able to see last week, and will get to see in the near future, know that you mean so much to me and that there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss your presence in my life. And, Mom, the next time we are saying tearful goodbyes at the airport know that it’s not really goodbye. It’s just “see you later.” And for us, later means forever.

Singles and the Church

If marriage is at a record low, the logical conclusion is that we are now left with a large singles population in our churches. Chelsea commented that it would be helpful to talk about how to encourage singles in our churches. Often we are left with singles that strongly (and rightly) desire marriage, yet feel disillusioned about their usefulness due to their marital status. Depending on where you go to church, there may be only one single person in your congregation, or you may go to a church with many singles. Regardless of the amount, there is still a place for singles of all ages and stages of life to serve the body. Since I am a single, I hope to offer examples from my own experience in church.

So, how can the local church serve their singles?

1. You can start by teaching them about the gift of their singleness. God has not made a mistake with them. And the same God who saves and keeps them knows the end of their singleness. His purposes have not failed with singles. For many, singleness is a season, not a lifetime. Yet this season is not to be seen as a “filler-period” while you pine away for Mr. or Miss Right. We must encourage our singles to see this period as a gift, and not a curse. It can be extremely painful at times, and we should not take that lightly. Rather we should point them to the truth that God is not in error in causing them to be single, rather he is lavishing his grace upon them by giving them this gift and either preserving them for the one he has for them, or preserving them for a life of unhindered service to him alone. Often this is a hard thing to wrestle through, and older, mature Christians have an opportunity to encourage and shepherd their singles by walking through this period with them. There have been times in my singleness where I have felt intense loneliness as I watched close friends and siblings get married. But it is here that I have also experienced the most joy in knowing that God has allowed me to serve in far greater capacities than I would have been able to had I been married. I have grown tremendously in this time because godly Christian people have encouraged me not to waste this gift.
2. Once we see that this season is a gift, we must be exhorted to use our gifts for the glory of God. Singleness is not a license for selfishness, though I have found that it has been a great temptation for me to claim “my time” rather than give of my time. The single life should be filled with radical Christian service to the local church. One of the ways that local churches can serve singles is by pointing them to areas in the church where they can pour out their lives. Maybe your church needs help in the nursery, encourage a single woman to serve on a Sunday morning. Maybe you need help in your youth department, encourage a single man to join your mentorship team. There are many areas in the local church that singles can serve based on their God-given gifts, and we should encourage them towards this end.
3. Because many of our singles desire to be married, it is extremely important that you teach us what a godly marriage is supposed to look like. We are bombarded with conflicting worldviews regarding marriage and biblical manhood and womanhood, and it is in the church through the preaching of God’s word that we are to be set straight. We should not learn marriage once we say “I do.” The local church should model it, teach it, and encourage it among their singles, because it is here that we will see the Gospel begin to change the tide regarding marriage.
4. Teach your church to adopt singles in their church. One of the greatest blessings in my life was the amount of families that were in my life at Bethlehem. I learned so much about how godly families operate and was able to be underneath the loving protection of godly people who cared about the well-being of my soul. They were the first people who encouraged me to go to seminary, and the first people I go see when I go back to Minneapolis. There are so many ways that families and married couples can make singles feel wanted and appreciated in the local body, and sometimes it begins with a simple phone call or invite to lunch.

Singles are not an “in limbo” category of the church, rather they can be a tremendous blessing and service to the local body simply because God has allowed them to be free to do so in this season of life. We should encourage singles towards an unwasted singleness that is counter-cultural and God-centered. The church is a family, and I really learned that at my previous church. God used them to encourage me to not waste my singleness and use my gifts for the glory of God.