Monday, April 4, 2011

Nine Months Later

Nine months ago I became a mother. Our due date came and went with very little fanfare. We woke up late, cried, talked, and then rejoiced as we watched two couples join in marriage. In some ways it was a nice way to end a very sad day for us. It was good to be reminded of what we committed to nearly two years ago. It was good to worship with friends who were starting their lives together.

But it was still a sad day.

A lot has happened in our lives these last nine months. Every passing month was a reminder of how far along I should have been. I dreaded April 2nd. I just wanted to sleep through the day and wake up when it was over. And now that it’s over it just feels weird. Even though I wanted to skip the day all together, I’m glad I didn’t. I needed to cry and grieve. I needed to journal and read and talk with Daniel about all that was going on in my head. I needed to cry out to the Lord in sadness over what could have been.

And God met me there. All of the pain, all of the grief, all of the uncertainty is not unknown to him. When it feels like people have moved on (and so many amazing friends haven’t), God is still here. He knows every tear I cry and his steadfast love endures forever. Does it mean I always feel it? No. Does it mean I always want to believe that he loves me? No. Does it mean I always feel like saying “blessed be your name”? No. But it does mean that even when I’m faithless, angry, and confused, he isn’t. He is constant and he will keep me to the end. That is what carried me this past week when I couldn’t see through my tears.

We trust him now more than we did nine months ago, but then again, we cry more too. This trust has come with a cost, and we wish it could have come another way, but we see Christ's glory with new eyes and renewed faith in his tender care for us as our suffering Savior.


Steve Finnell said...

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J. Lopez said...

It sounds like a tough time for you, I'm sorry to hear(read)that. It's hard to trust in christ when everything is going tough. sometimes you just want to wallow in self pity. Some days even though you know where your strength comes from, you feel like being weak! I guess it’s one of the perks of being called to die to ourselves everyday, we start fresh everyday and don’t have to re-live old painful times. Some days it’s easier to leave our past behind and carry our cross than others.
BTW, my name is Juan. Feel free to follow my blog and drop me some comments, take care!

debt said...

What a rich post, full of honesty and truth. Our God is a compassionate God. He enters into all of our pain and difficulty. Christ is our great high priest who walked this path before us. May you see the little graces of His love each day. I love you, Bean!!

Lisa said...

How hard it must have been to reach April 2nd. We too grieved April 2nd when Haddon passed away. I'm sorry Courtney. Our sweet babies (well, we're pretty sure they aren't babies right now) are among the congregation of the righteous together. Just as abundantly we share in Christ's sufferings, we share abundantly in comfort. Somehow this will help us look more like Christ, and somehow the Holy Spirit will give us help with each day and passing year. Thank you for the encouragement in this post that God is constant even when I am faithless. Thank you so much for praying for us, we will be praying for you and Daniel.

In Christ,