A Kindness That Cannot Be Repaid

Every day I stare at a big stack of thank you notes from my baby shower. And that’s pretty much all I do with them. You see, my baby shower was nine days before the boys’ unexpected arrival. I barely had time to unpack and put away all of the gracious gifts before our doctor told us “it’s time to have these babies.” When the whirlwind of their birth happened even more people poured out abundant kindness to us through meals, more gifts, and rides to the hospital. There were many days that we were moved to tears by all that people were doing for us. And my thank you list kept growing. Every time someone bought something for us or did a kind deed everything in me wanted to find some way to repay them for all of their service to us. And yet, here I was helpless (and I still am pretty helpless) to do anything because I was overwhelmed by a major surgery recovery and caring for two boys in the NICU. Now that they are home I have even less time.

 

I have said before that this season in my life feels like I am constantly depending on people. And that’s hard for me. Now I can’t even appropriately thank the people who care for us. My inability to properly thank people in a reasonable time frame, has caused me to better understand Christ’s work on my behalf. My needy, desperate state as a busy mom of two little babies has helped me see my needy, desperate state before the God of the universe. Christ invaded my dead heart and made me alive through his blood. Christ is strong when I am weak. Christ is sufficient when I am failing. And every day is another reminder that I can’t repay him either. There is no amount of goodness that will be enough for what he did for me. There is no big enough “thank you” for his sacrifice on my behalf.

So while etiquette and thankfulness rightly tell me that sending those thank you’s is the right thing to do, and it is (and I’m finally almost done!). My feelings of inadequacy to ever say or do enough in return are here to stay. Not only do they remind me of God’s kindness to me through people, but more importantly they remind me of his kindness to me through our Savior. He has given the ultimate gift that can never be repaid.

True Freedom

"To enjoy thee is life eternal, and to enjoy is to know. Keep me in the freedom of experiencing thy salvation continually." - Valley of Vision

Last year, my husband and I had some Muslim friends over for dinner. We had spent the entire semester getting to know them through a ministry that our church is involved in that helps them learn English. As eager young students in America for the first time, they loved hearing about all things USA, even our religion. Of course, that meant that we also would hear about their religion, which we happily obliged. We were intrigued as they talked about the many facets of Islam, many of which I had never heard before. But one statement really stayed with me, and still is with me today:

"At the end of your life you can only hope that you have done enough good for Allah to allow you into heaven."

That sobered me. In that moment it hit me--they have no assurance of their own salvation. They have no way of knowing whether or not they will spend eternity in heaven or hell. They are strictly at the mercy of a god who reserves the right to turn them away if he thinks they aren't good enough.

Christianity is the only religion that promises the exact opposite. Yes, it gives us the condemnation that we are utterly sinful and unable to save ourselves. But it also delivers good news. Someone else paid the penalty for us. And not just anyone, it was God himself.

Micah 7:18 tells us that God blots out our transgressions. This is true freedom, not that we can save ourselves, but that our gracious and merciful God saves us from ourselves. We are free because of Christ's atoning blood.

What our friends are blinded to is the reality that no amount of good will ever be enough. And yet, deep down I think they know that. They are constantly hoping and working to do enough good, all the while wondering if it will ever be enough. They are in bondage to their own quest for good works. God tells us that we are free because of Christ's good work. We can rest in his goodness and know that it saves and sanctifies us and will one day carry us to glory.

The different between Christianity and all other religions is that Christianity promises that you are free in Christ. Only by the Savior's precious blood can you be truly free, free at last.

What I've Been Up To: Being a Mom

It's hard to believe that the boys are already three months old. I feel like I say that every week! But yesterday they passed the three month mark and we are more in love with them today than we were yesterday.

They are rapidly growing boys, and they sure like to eat! Nearly two weeks ago, Zach weighed 9 lbs 7 oz and Luke weighed 8 lbs. Not bad for babies that were born in the 3 lb range. They are slowly getting better at napping and sleeping, though they go down at night pretty well (which is a huge blessing for mommy and daddy). They still get up twice in the middle of the night, but Daniel and I alternate those feedings, so only one of us gets up for each feedings. Survival is a key word around here these days.

I knew that I would love them deeply when I saw their sweet faces, but I had no context for how my heart would swell with love upon their arrival. And I had no idea how it would only grow with each passing day. Just when I thought I couldn't love them more, I wake up and there it is--more love in my heart for them.

I also feel like I'm slowly emerging from a three month coma. Life has continued on for everyone else and I've been in my own little world far, far away from everyone else. First it was the NICU that kept me away, then it was adjusting to life at home with two very little babies. I finally feel good about leaving the house with the both of them. And we even took our first family trip to Branson, MO!

I've managed to write a few things for other websites since they have been home, but as you can see by the crickets chirping on this blog that my writing has been sporadic at best. That doesn't mean I don't have a ton of ideas and half written posts in this frazzled brain of mine. I told a friend the other day that I'm learning that motherhood doesn't mean you check your thinking at the birthing room, but it sure does mean you have to write when you have time or deal with half written posts for a while.

And that's the crazy thing about motherhood. It gives you so many more new ideas to write about, but there is always a shortage of time to do much of anything, like basic personal hygiene. So writing has been low on the priority totem pole, at least writing on the blog. But, boy, do I have ideas. Hopefully in the coming days, weeks, and months I can get around to those ideas for my own soul, and for my readers as well.

So thanks for sticking around. I have not left for good. Just consider this silence as an extended maternity leave, one that will most likely be ending slowly in the near future.

The New Face of CBMW

Boy, has it been quiet around here. The boys came home from the NICU on March 11 and it has been a whirlwind of night feedings, day feedings, bottles, and sweet cuddle times with our twinsies. Needless to say,  I have had little time to think, let alone write. But I'm slowly emerging from the fog of having two newborns.

That's why I'm here to tell you some exciting news! The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (an organization I greatly care about) has launched a new website. And that's not all. There are a number of new initiatives bundled into this fresh change to the site, one being a new women's channel exclusively devoted to our female readers. I am the assistant editor of the site and I am very excited about the team of writers we have lined up! CBMW is where I got my start writing publicly and I consider it a great privilege to be back working for them.

So head on over to the CBMW site today (or any day this week) and check out the new content we have in a variety of venues. Our desire is to continue to provide excellent resources and commentary on a myriad of gender related issues from a biblical perspective. CBMW has always been about Christ and the Bible. That hasn't changed. When you have a chance, visit CBMW today. There is something there for everyone!

What I've Been Up To: My Writing

Even though I haven't been doing much writing on this little blog (I hope that changes sometime soon!), I did write a few articles in other venues that were published shortly after the boys were born. I figured I would post them here for any who are interested.

A Higher Calling to Protect (Christianity Today women's blog)--this article was written shortly after the decision by the military to allow women in combat.

The Quest for a Bigger, Better, Cuter Pregnancy (Christianity Today women's blog)--How should Christian's think about the commercialization of pregnancy?

Limitations: Our Gift from God (Gospel Coalition)--I wrote this article nearly a year ago. It's interesting to read it again now knowing that I wrote in the midst of our infertility.

Your Womanhood is Not on Hold (Gospel Coalition)--This is another article that I wrote right before I found out I was pregnant. God is kind to remind me of all that he taught me in the days of our longings.

Twin Update: One Month Old!

One month ago yesterday two precious little boys decided to come to us eight weeks early in a whirlwind of excitement and fear. Even as I type this it's hard to believe they are already one month old. The last month has gone by so fast I can hardly remember all that has happened. And then, at times the days just drag on as we wait to bring them home from the NICU.

But I do know one thing, with each passing moment our hearts only grow fuller with love for them. They are growing and changing every day, it seems. They are much more alert now, especially before and after eating. We love watching their little eyes, facial expressions, and eagerness to eat. In fact, they are now eating every other feeding by mouth. We are hopeful that they will move to every feeding by the end of the week.

They have both gained more than a pound since their birth. Luke weighs 4 lbs 12 oz and Zach weighs 5 lbs 8 oz. They are looking more like newborns now and less like wrinkly preemies!

The other night I told my husband that it makes me sad that the first month of their life is over and we will never have their first month with them at home. He helpfully reminded me that technically I am still supposed to be pregnant, so in reality we are actually benefiting by seeing their sweet faces earlier than we anticipated. When I was pregnant I always talked about how I couldn't wait to see their faces and now I get to see them every day! I am thankful for his perspective in our not ideal situation.

For the most part the boys are keeping pace with every marker they are supposed to be hitting. They have not missed a beat their entire time in the NICU, and for that we are thankful. Right now we are praying they continue to eat well and that we can hopefully take them home soon. Until the day that I can see them face to face every night before bed, I will stare at these sweet pictures to keep me going.

 

God Hears Our Prayers

"Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!" -Psalm 4:1

This has been our prayer as we wait for the boys to come home. God has faithfully answered our prayers when we have been in distress before, and we have confidence that he will do it again. It's not our own strength that makes the desired relief possible, but the strength of his character and his righteousness. Left to ourselves we cannot do anything, but God is powerful enough not only to bring our boys home, but to conform us more into his likeness while we wait.

I have had to remind myself of his power and character over these last four weeks. I cannot make my boys ready to come home from the hospital. I cannot make them take their bottles and nurse well. I cannot make them gain weight. Only he can do it. Having them hooked up to monitors has only further reminded me of my helplessness and his power. He sustains our precious sons. He holds them in his hands. He orders all things. And he has been doing it since the very beginning of their lives.

So we cry out to him in these uncertain days. We are asking him to work and are depending on him for the ability to endure not knowing when their days in the NICU will end. And how do we know he will work? We know his character. We know he is good. And we know that he has worked in the past and he will work in the future. He has worked in abundant ways in our lives before, and as we remember we are reminded that he will do it again.

Will it always work out in the timetable we want? Not exactly. But he will act on our behalf. And that is how we can pray. In prayer we are crying out to the only one who can and will work for our good (Psalm 57:2, Romans 8:28). We daily fall on our faces before this great God knowing that he is good and will fulfill his purposes for us. That is our hope.

Psalm 77 is a great reminder for those wanting to remember God's faithfulness to his own. This is where we want to be--remembering God's faithfulness and mighty deeds. When we get discouraged, we want to remember. When we feel like we aren't making progress with the boys, we want to remember. God has done mighty things for us and he will not stop pouring out his kindness on us.

He has done great things and we are filled with joy. Oh Lord, help us to remember this truth in both the certain and uncertain days.