Monday, March 3, 2014

The Frowning Providence of Miscarriage

Pregnancy has always been a bittersweet experience for me. We lost our first baby through miscarriage after a few short weeks in my womb. After two years of surgery, medicine, tests, and begging God for another child, God graciously gave us the twins. They have been the greatest earthly joy in our lives. But my pregnancy with them wasn't easy either, leading me to deliver them eight weeks early. We love having children and long for more, but we always enter pregnancy with a slight hesitancy. We know how it could end. We know how uncertain it can be. The innocence has been lost for us.

It was with that cautious fear and expectant hope that we began walking through another pregnancy. In mid-January we were overjoyed with the news that God had given us another life. We were so excited to see the twins with another sibling who was so close in age to them. But we were a little nervous. Would this pregnancy proceed as planned? Or would it unexpectedly end? Would it be complication free? Or would I face another difficult pregnancy? Early on we learned that my progesterone was low, which only heightened our fear. But we also felt a calm that only the Lord could provide. We had seen him walk with us through so much already and wanted to trust him completely with this little one he had given us.

Pregnancy symptoms came on early and with full force, leading us to believe that all was well. We scheduled our first appointment and went last Monday fully expecting to see our wiggly, 9 week baby on an ultrasound.

But that was not to be.

I knew something was wrong when the ultrasound tech took longer than I was used to. With the twins, she found two of them within seconds. This time she struggled to find even one. Within minutes our worst fears were realized. The baby had never fully developed, but the sac did. Essentially, my body had been thinking I was growing a baby all along, which explained all of my pregnancy symptoms.

To say that we are heartbroken would be an understatement. It's been a week and we still are trying to process the reality that we are walking this road for a second time. Miscarriage is so ugly and so raw. It takes the hopes and dreams of expectant parents and dashes them on an ultrasound table or the bathroom floor. It takes something that should bring the greatest joy and ushers in the greatest pain.

And we are feeling all of it.

The twins have been such a bright spot for us in these dark days. They don't know that Mommy and Daddy are grieving, but they do give us love and affection regardless of our tears and pain. They are a balm to our broken souls.

We have been comforted by the truth that God never lets us go. The loss of our third baby was not a surprise to him. He is a good and loving Father who walks with us through even the darkest of days. And we have felt that mercy, too. We learned with our first miscarriage and subsequent infertility that God is working good even in our pain. It is through tear-filled eyes that we long to see his goodness in the midst of this sorrow, too.

"Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face."


Grace said...

'but trust for his grace'... yes and amen. thinking of you guys and praying for his mercies to meet you each morning as He has promised.

just me said...

I am so sorry that you are having to endure this experience. No words can express the pain that I know you are feeling. Prayers for you and your family during this time of loss.

A Sister said...

I am sorry for your loss. I've been there too.
I realize that by the time you posted this, I was having a miscarriage as well.

I became pregnant for the second time when my first son was only 6 months! I was so happy, and actually it was an answer to my prayers, because we wanted a sibling close in age to our first child.
I gave glory to God for it was a surprise! I was brestfeeding a lot too. I posted on Facebook a "hint" about our joy, with praises to the Lord.

At 6 weeks all the blood tests were ok, the heartbeat on the ultrasound... all ok but one thing: my thyroid hormone levels showed out of whack, too overactive but the doctors did not seem alarmed. They just said we needed to keep an eye on it to see how it evolves.
Honestly, I wasn't afraid neither, I prayed and trusted the Lord would not give us a pregnancy only to be destroyed. I proclaimed to my unbelievers friends and my pastor at church that the Lord is good and my baby was in his hands.

At 10 weeks, I started feeling very bad. My thyroid levels got worst, too overactive for the gestational age.
One day, I started loosing a bit of brown blood, and feeling miserable, I could feel something very bad was going on.
I hated every inch of my body. I even wanted to not be pregnant anymore but I trusted God would protect us and give me strength.

The next day I learned in the doctors office, by looking the ultrasound image that my little one stopped growing at 8 weeks or so.
The most shocking part was to see that little creature not moving at all, no heartbeat, so lifeless but so real. The u/s image is unforgettable.
My hubby and I were devastaded to say the least.
I could not believe it because I was so faithful! or at least that is what I thought...

My d&c was on March 6. Even on that day I still had hope that maybe God would put him life and a heartbeat again, but no. The doctors confirmed it was dead.
They added those kind of procedures was routine.

I could accept it, and hubby and I are well and hopeful again. But since the day we lost our pregnancy, every time I have my period, it reminds me of the pain. I even have physical pain.

The hardest part is when I remember that I trusted God. I never never thought he would allow it to happen. But he did. So it was a huge disappointment for me. I could feel a mix of shame, despair and frustration along with pain.

Deep inside me, I know I'm his child, I just know He's good, and He has good reasons for everything he allows in my life.
But I confess that there is that little sting still in there, a deep feeling of injustice.

Even with that sting, the one living in me is bigger, and one day, I'll understand. He is good. That I can believe by faith only.

I don't talk about this with anyone, people at church don't understand. They under estimate the pain, and some even judge.
I tell to my unbeliever friends that God is still good and he has right reasons for allowing everything in Christian persons, even miscarriages.

I somehow decided to keep it to myself, only very few people know about my miscarriage. Writing about this feels like a relief... thank you for letting me share this.
God bless you!