Leaning on the Right Understanding

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths" --Proverbs 3:5-6

Many of us are familiar with this often quoted passage. When we don't know what to do, or when things get hard, we can run back to this verse for comfort. But what does it mean? It's easy to go straight to the promise of this verse--he will direct your paths--while missing the exhortation leading up to it.

It's easy, isn't it? Trusting in the Lord takes work. It takes faith. It takes denying our natural tendency towards self-sufficiency and pride. Sometimes our estimation of our circumstances is quite good. We look around at what's expected of us, or what is going on in our life, and we sense our own competency. We lean on our own understanding. But other times the outlook is bleak. We have no idea how we are going to make it through the day before us. We are weak. We are faithless. In fear, we lean on our own understanding.

Lately, I've found myself leaning on my own understanding in a variety of ways. When I have a burst of energy, or am able to knock things off my to-do list, my chest swells with pride over what I can accomplish. Facing writing deadlines and toddler conversations with relative ease, some days feel more accomplished than others. On the days I come out ahead, I feel pretty good. But I rarely look to the Lord. Instead of trusting in the Lord for help, strength, and wisdom, I've found rest in what I can accomplish (or at least what I think I can accomplish). Other days feel not so accomplished. I still have writing deadlines and toddler conversations, but they lack passion, joy, or hardly happen at all. I write no words and am short with my kids. Looking at my own understanding, I feel defeated and hopeless wondering how I will make it through the hours that seem to inch slowly by.

This verse speaks to both the competent and the feeble, the weak and the strong. God is no less God if we get our to-do list accomplished or barely get out of bed. He is no less the one who acts on our behalf in moments of greatness and great humbling. Any semblance of accomplishment is only an illusion of our own glory. It all is pointing to him, the author of our good and bad times. We simply need eyes to see it, acknowledge his hand in it, and seek him in the next moment.

I'll be the first to admit. It's easier for me to seek him when the walls are closing in around me. But it's harder to trust that he's working in the midst of the difficulty. It's harder to trust him on the front end of the good times, but easier to see his hand when all is well.

I want faith to do both, to trust him at all times and always lean on his interpretation of my circumstances, not my own.

I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me. But I do know that before my feet hit the floor in the morning I pray I have the humility and the faith to seek him first.

The Sin We Don't Speak Of

We all have that sin. The one we thought was long conquered, long forgotten, and long paid for by Christ's precious blood. Then one day it emerges, reminding us that we are not yet perfected, and riddling us with guilt. It's the sin we don't speak of. It's the sin that we are certain would cause friends to shun us, strangers to mock us, and God to turn his back on us. Everyone's is different, but the effects on us are the same. And when it rears its ugly head we are undone.

I don't know what your forgotten, unspeakable sin is. But I know mine. I know that even after years of victory it can come back without any warning, reminding me that I am still in need of a great Savior. It's good for me, really. This sin, in all its heinousness, is a reminder to my ever prideful heart that the respectable sins I live with are just as ugly as the one that I don't utter out loud. Everyone needs to be knocked down a few rungs on the ladder of our own perceived righteousness. I am no different.

In the moments of despair over the reappearance of this sin, I have been comforted by the fact that it has been paid for by Christ's atoning work at the cross. There is no more condemnation for me because Christ took all of it for me (Rom. 8:1). But practically speaking, I've learned that I need the same guttural response to my every day sins as I have to the one I hate the most. I should weep tears of brokenness with every act of rebellion against my God, and yet, I don't. I've created a hierarchy of sinfulness, stacking some at the very top of the "do not do this again" list.

In God's eyes, sin is sin. No amount of human ordering changes that for him. We have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). This sin is the great equalizer before him. There are no sins that are beyond his reach for cleansing and there are no sins that make us any better or worse in his eyes. Without Christ, the verdict is the same--guilty.

Oh, but the story doesn't end there. With Christ the verdict is the same--righteous. My sin (respectable and otherwise) says that there is no hope for me, and that is true. But in Christ I have a righteousness that is not my own (Phil. 3:9). I can stand free from condemnation over all of my sins, even the one that I feel is too unworthy to bring to the throne of grace.

If that is where you are today, dear sister, know that I am with you. Actually, we are all in this together. Look to Christ and trust in his perfect work on your behalf. Repent, yes. But then cling to the One who paid for all our sins--even the ones we can't speak of.

How to Work Out Your Salvation

"We are to strive for growth with all our strength and to work to put sin to death within us. But we are to do so in a way that is always mindful of our inability and weakness so that we do not despair." -Barbara Duguid (Extravagant Grace, 220).

Extravagant Grace: A Review

I received a copy of this book at the bloggers gathering at TGCW14 over a month ago. The title, Extravagant Grace: God's Glory Displayed in Our Weakness, by Barbara Duguid (P&R), caught my eye immediately. I feel weak often. I am overwhelmed by my sin on a regular basis. This book, I thought, must be written for me.

I could not have been more right.

It is a rare occasion that I finish a book sad to see it end. At over 200 pages, I honestly wished for it just to keep going. Not because it was incomplete or in need of greater explanation, but because it was good for my soul. I was opened to a fresh understanding of my indwelling sin and its purpose in my own sanctification. I was confronted with the glory of Christ's death on the cross and his righteousness that covers me. I was encouraged to remain steadfast in my fight against sin and my trust in the Savior. I just wanted to keep reading in order to drink deeply from the well of truth contained in its pages.

This book reminded me of three crucial truths about the Christian life.

The value of prayer. Duguid reminds us that only God can change a person's heart. He is the one who grants the new birth in Christ and changes a person day by day. Because of this we should pray fervently for God to work in the lives of people. I was encouraged to pray for family members who don't know Christ and for friends I know struggling with besetting sins. I was convicted to pray for myself. I know that there is just as much besetting sin in me as the next girl. No amount of willpower will get rid of it for me. I need the supernatural work of God to change me and make me more like himself. The good news is that he has promised us this very work in his word, Duguid says. We aren't praying blindly, but with bold faith for God to do what he delights to do--humble his children and make them like himself.

The reason for indwelling sin. This point is probably the greatest takeaway for me. Duguid says that God wants humble children, which is one of the primary reasons he leaves us with indwelling sin. Sin humbles us. It shows us our desperate need for a Savior. Because of our tendency towards self-sufficiency, if we had been wiped clean of our propensity to sin at conversion we would fail to give God glory for this cleansing. Indwelling sin keeps us on our knees and gives God glory. It also makes us long for heaven more. Only on that final day will we truly be cleansed from the sin that entangles us. While God sees Christ when he looks at us now, there will come a day when the full, sinless righteousness of Christ will cover us completely. Heaven is our final home. We will see God in all his glory because we will be like him, perfect and whole. This truth should make us ache for that day. Our sin reminds us that we are not there yet--not even close. Come, Lord Jesus!

The importance of a long term view of the Christian life. Because our salvation is an "already, but not yet" reality, we need not be discouraged when we are not yet there--or when those around us aren't either. Duguid says that God is the one who gives people differing degrees of faith, sanctification, and resistance to sin. Some of us struggle with certain sins all of our lives. But because of the final day, when our sin stains are cleansed in their entirety, we can have hope for the present. God completes the work he starts in us and in our friends and family.

Uses for the book. Because of the nature of the book, it is a really good option for any type of book study. There are in depth questions at the end of each chapter that bring the points of the chapter home. Duguid is a biblical counselor, so she is skilled at getting to the heart of matters. There are multiple questions, so if you were working through the book in a book club or small group, you may, for the sake of time, go through only two or three questions in a gathering. But if you wanted to use the book in one-on-one discipleship or personally the questions would be really useful.

One of the main points of the book is that she interacts with John Newton and his teaching on the Christian life, indwelling sin, and God's grace. It made me want to buy the writings of Newton immediately! While I was always helped by her interaction with Newton, the back cover of the book states she turns to Newton "to teach us God's purpose of our failure and guilt." This is true to some extent, but she doesn't use him as much as I thought she would. This is not a critique by any means, because I think the book is perfectly complete on its own. It's more an observation than anything else. I suppose by interacting with Newton, even if it was less than I anticipated, she did her job. I want to read Newton now. And read this book again and again.

Our Speech Held Back

I've talked about why I need this exercise in thinking through how I speak. I've also talked about who we are addressing when we use our words for good or for evil. But I've also been convicted lately about the need to restrain my speech. I'm a talker. I like to use my words. When I'm happy, that's a good thing. When I'm angry, not so much. In the heat of an argument or when my feelings are hurt, words fly like fiery daggers. I even would go so far as to say that I feel as if it's my duty to throw words in a moment of rage. If I don't, who will? If I'm offended, who will speak in my defense? If my feelings were hurt or I was wronged in some way, how will that person (namely, my husband) ever know how badly he needs to change if I don't say something right then? So I load the ammunition of words into my mouth and fire away.

My sense of justice is my guide.

But I think scripture provides another, more helpful, way.

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends (Proverbs 17:9).

Now, I am not talking about offenses that are physically harmful, recurring, or out of the ordinary. I'm talking about the day to day offenses that arise because we are sinners trying to live together in a fallen world. The mundane offenses that threaten to undo us. Your husband forgot something important (like planning a date), again. Your wife neglected you after a busy day at work, again. Your roommate went behind your back, again. Your friend talked only about herself, while failing to ask how your difficult situation was going again. All of these offenses are hurtful, sinful, and can damage a relationship. Which is what the writer of Proverbs is getting at.

Suppose your spouse or friend confesses this sin to you. They understand what they did was wrong, yet you still feel the sting of rejection and hurt. What do you do? Do you make them pay with your words? It's an easy out for me. I understand the temptation. But the writer of Proverbs gives us a better way. He tells us that repeating the sin will be the death of the relationship. And who hasn't seen that happen, right? But covering the offense is actually the loving thing to do.

So how do you "cover an offense"? Does simply saying "I forgive you" make it go away? Anyone who has ever tried reconciling knows that doesn't always cut it. Throughout scripture we are given a picture of God covering the offenses of his people. And we feel the tension of the Old Testament when God covered the offenses of the Israelites, yet they continued to go back to their sin. There needed to be a better, more complete covering, to deal with the magnitude of sin. When we are sinned against we feel it, too. I imagine that is why we feel the need to use our own words to wound. In our hurt we want the sinner to pay for what they have done to us, and in our pride we think our words will suffice.

But like the Israelites before us, there is nothing in us that will ever truly cover the offenses done against us and within us. This is why Christ had to come. Unlike the Israelites, we do have a way forward in covering the offenses of others. We live on the other side of the cross. As Paul tells us in Romans 3:25, Christ was our propitiation (our covering) for the sins we have committed (and will commit). It is only through his blood that we can truly be cleansed from our unrighteousness and covered with his righteousness.

So what does the propitiation of Christ have to do with our speech?

Everything.

We can cover the offenses done against us because of the cross. The cross assures us that the sin done against us was paid for by Christ, if the offender is a believer. And if not, the cross assures us that one day Christ will come back and judge that sin on the last day. The bases regarding all sin committed against us are covered. There is nothing left for us to add to it.

This should free us in our conversations with others. When we are hurt, we can forgive because of Christ's blood and coming judgment. When we are offended, we can cover the offense because Christ has either paid for that offense or will judge it one day.

Jesus' blood is powerful enough to cleanse even the greatest offense we endure. He frees us to love, not hate when we are sinned against. He frees us to restrain our words in times of emotional crisis, and use our words for good, not evil. His blood shed for us is the means by which our speech is held back, even when our hearts tell us that our only defense is the dagger of our words. We can choose another way.

"I Want to Read My Bible More" - Thoughts on TGCW14

It's been almost two weeks since I boarded a plane by myself to spend the weekend in Orlando listening to the Bible taught by godly men and women. In a lot of ways the daily realities of my life now make the time spent there seem like a distant memory. But the impact of the weekend has not left me, and I pray it doesn't for a long time.

This was the first TGC women's conference that I have ever been able to attend. Since it's only the second conference, I'm glad I'm not too far behind on the curve! But I did listen to all of the previous conference's plenary sessions, so going in to this conference I was eager to listen to some teachers I have never had the privilege of hearing much from before. Paige Benton Brown was one of them. I had a hard time making it to things on time while at the conference (maybe it's because I was childless for the weekend or maybe it's because I loved talking to people, or both), but I made sure to get a seat on time for her. Not only does listening to her speak make me passionate to know the Bible like she does, but she also opens up the scriptures for me in ways I never would have seen otherwise. She makes the Bible come alive and she makes her audience want to drink deeply from the fountain of God's word with her. I also went to her breakout session with my sister-in-law and we both left the session wanting to go spend some serious quality time examining the Bible for ourselves. She has a gift of making God's word appear as the treasure we often forget it is. I needed that desperately.

It's hard to capture the value of a weekend filled with teaching and fellowship with other likeminded women. Whether you spend your days with toddlers (like me) or spend your days staring at computer screen or some other daily grind, we all need rest and retreat. While there wasn't much sleeping (at least on my end), the fuel tank of my soul was filled to the brim. My husband says that everyone needs something like this every once in a while, especially if you struggle with discouragement or losing your joy in the midst of the mundane. And I was right there going into this conference. I didn't even know how much I needed the break and refreshment until I was there drinking it deeply.

More than anything I walked away from the conference with a renewed passion for God's word. Ever since the twins have been born, like many moms, I have struggled with finding joy in reading the Bible. My mind races about all that needs to get done instead of focusing on the words in front of me, or the moment I sit down to read I hear a baby cry. When I am in the midst of calm or silence, I find myself wanting to do other things (like watch TV or even read a book) rather than read God's word. Over the last 17 months I have wondered if I would ever delight in God's word again. I have had pockets of joy interspersed among the mainly dry valley of caring for twin boys.

But God met me in Orlando.

It wasn't with much fanfare or even in a burst of wisdom from the pages of scripture. I simply left with an excitement to read and study God's word. I left with a greater passion to write within the season God has given me and for his glory, not my own. I left with a love for God's people and a desire to see them love his word with all of their heart and mind.

It was good to be at TGCW14. It was good to see old friends and make new ones. It was good to see family. It was good to hear from God's word and see how God is moving in the lives of others. But more than anything, it was good to taste again the sweetness of God's word.

Who Our Speech Addresses

I have been really helped by reflecting on the image of God lately. Every human being, male or female, healthy or unhealthy, infant or elderly, bears God's image (Gen. 1:26-27). This has profound implications for how we live. It means that our life has value. It means our gifts and abilities mean something. It means that our very lives tell a story about who God is and what he is like. But it also has implications for our human relationships. We don't murder someone because he or she bears the image of God (Ex. 20:13). We don't abuse someone because he or she bears the image of God.

We also don't use our words to hurt him or her because that person bears the image of God. 

Did you catch that? That's often the hardest to pinpoint in our own lives and also the easiest to forget.

In the heat of the moment it is easy to forget who we are talking to or about. A friend hurts our feelings and all we want to do is vent to another friend about how terribly she has treated us. We want vindication. We want our hurt feelings to be mended. We want someone, anyone, to see that we were wronged. What we really want, is for that friend to pay for what she did. So we talk about her. We malign her character with our wounded pride and heart.

Or maybe you hit things head on. I get that. I'm not one to be afraid of a fight. Your family member says something that bothers you. Maybe he hurts your feelings, too. Or maybe he just misunderstood what you were trying to say, so you push back. But your harmless quip turns into a full blown attack. Next thing you know you are spewing memories of pain from months ago, rather than focusing on the conflict at hand.

Besides the need for serious conflict resolution, what has each person forgotten in each scenario?

There is a person at the other end of their rhetoric. 

Our feelings tell us that our wants, pain, and frustration must be realized in the confrontation or humiliation of the one who wronged us. But our feelings aren't ultimate. Of course, conflict must be resolved. Of course, relationships need to be mended. But always in the context of Jesus' words that we must do to others as we would have done to us (Luke 6:31).

Why does Jesus say it in that way? Because not only does he understand our own inherent need to protect ourselves (which in turn allows us to understand the command), but also because he understands our standing as image bearers. We treat others the same way we would treat our very bodies and souls because we all bear the image of our Creator.

Our words have lasting implications. We can all probably pinpoint, to our shame, a memory where our speech has failed us and painfully failed another. Our speech never falls into an empty void, but always addresses a person. A person created in the image of God.

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This is the first post in an occasional series on speech. I address why I started this series here.

A Series on Speech

I'm a talker. My parents say I haven't stopped talking since I uttered my first words. I'm pretty sure all of my former school teachers and husband would agree. I've been known to get in trouble with my love of talking. From being told to go back to my cubicle at work for talking about "things that weren't work related" to speaking my mind in the heat of an argument, my words can hurt me sometimes. I want to talk well. I want to use my personality, talkative nature, and ability not for my own benefit but for God's glory. He created me, which means he created me with a mouth that likes to move. But I'm also a sinner. Which means, my mouth that likes to move often moves in unhelpful ways.

So in an effort to help myself I'm going to be blogging about speech for a little bit. I will probably interject a random post here and there as ideas move me, but because I learn through writing I'm hoping that this little writing exercise will bear fruit in my life. Maybe you can relate, dear reader. Maybe you, like me, like to move your mouth and want it to move for good and not evil. We are in this together. I hope you will join me for the ride.

Grace for the Humble

I'm not a humble person. In fact, pride is a sin that I daily have to crucify. I hate my pride and its many manifestations in my life. And I want desperately to be humble, to possess humility. Because pride is an affront to the truth of the gospel, God delights in answering prayers that ask for more humility. It is in our humbling that we see our desperate need for Christ. I think that is why Peter reminds his readers, and us, that "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (1 Peter 5:5).

The Bible talks a lot about pride and humility, from direct commands like 1 Peter 5 to giving us flesh and blood examples like Moses, David, Solomon, Absalom, and others. The most vivid picture of humility is found in our Christ, who Paul says "humbled himself to death" (Phil. 2:8). He embodied humility perfectly. The Bible often talks about our posture before him, which should be none other than utmost humility and fear, and we see consequences for those who do otherwise (2 Chron. 33:23). Jesus tells us that if we humble ourselves we will actually be exalted, but if we act in pride we will be brought low (Matt. 23:13, Luke 14:11). Humility is an often commanded, difficult to make happen, heart condition for the Christian.

But God does not leave us to our own prideful hearts.

Daniel often reminds us of the verse from 1 Peter, that God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble. In moments of deep humbling it is a mercy to reflect on the fact that God is humbling us because he loves us. To stay in our pride is to be the recipient of his opposition. To be humbled is to receive his grace. So when I am confronted with my sin against my husband or family member, make an embarrassing mistake that many people see, or dealing with a toddler tantrum in a public place, it is helpful to remember that these moments of humbling are not evidences of God's abandonment. They are in fact the exact opposite. They are reminders of his kindness towards me. God will have no spoiled children. He will have no self-sufficient children either. It is only when I'm on my face in humility that I can truly stand in his presence.

I want to be humble. It's a scary prayer to say out loud "Lord, make me humble," because we never know what it will take. I know it takes a lot to humble me, but I want to receive it as a mercy from his loving hand. He wants me humble so he can give me more grace. He wants me humble so I will worship him with an undivided heart. So I pray, Lord, make me humble.

The Stewardship of Pain

Nobody likes pain. I know I don't. We hate pain so much that we do whatever we can to avoid it. We have a headache, we take ibuprofen. We get a leg cramp while running (true confession!), so we stop running. We have surgery, we go under anesthesia. As a society, we have come a long way by means of pain management.

But what about the pain that runs deeper. The pain that settles itself within your very soul. How do you avoid that pain? Some turn to a variety of coping mechanisms. Some simply try to avoid it all together, as if the pain never existed. What is the Christian to do? Do we adopt the world's methods for "pain management," or is there a better, more sustaining way forward in the midst of searing pain?

Jerry Bridges has some helpful words for our pain. In God's providence, Jerry Bridges has been on my nightstand for both of my miscarriages. For the first one, it was Trusting God. This time, it was The Joy of Fearing God. Both times I have been helped tremendously by Bridges careful and God-exalting words.

We usually think of Christian stewardship in terms of money. Some churches have "stewardship campaigns" during which they seek to get their membership to pledge toward the annual church budget. Then the concept of stewardship was broadened to include our time and talents--or as one slogan puts it, "Be a good steward of your time, talents, and treasure." The idea behind these concepts is that whatever resources God has given us, He has entrusted them to us as stewards to use for His glory.

Now apply that idea to pain, either physical or emotional. If we believe God is sovereignly in control of all circumstances of our lives, then our pain is something He has given to us just as much as our time or talents or treasure. He has entrusted the pain to us to be used for His glory...

Closely akin to trusting God in our pain is trusting Him to fulfill His promises, even when we can't imagine how He can fulfill them (225-226).

That is what I want for my own life. I want to steward the pain he gives me for his glory, and ultimately for my own good. This radically changes our perspective on suffering and pain. It takes pain from being something that is against us to something that is given to us as a gift. It is always for our good, even when it feels and seems bleak.

Stewarding our pain well can only be done with the future in view. If we merely looked at the present we would grow weary rather quickly. Instead, like so many who have gone before us, we must look to the eternal home, healing, and rest that awaits us with our Lord. It is impossible to steward our pain well on our own and with tunnel vision. We need God to give us an eternal perspective and the hope that Christ will reign victorious over even the most excruciating pain we face.

Oh Lord, let it be so in my own life, even today.

 

 

I'm a Quitter

It's true. I am a lifelong quitter. It started in adolescence when I would repeatedly sign up for activities that I really thought were my life's calling. Dance. Gymnastics. Softball. Swimming. Volleyball. It only took a short while to realize that flexibility, coordination, and athletic prowess were nowhere to be found in my gene pool. So I quit.

But there were other things I quit, too. Over time I recognized that music and the arts were where my talent flourished. So I did what any ambitious teen would do and I took guitar lessons. When my fingers started hurting and I missed my favorite shows for practice, I quit that, too. Twice, in fact. I lost a part in a musical once because I decided to go to my friend's lake house for the weekend rather than attend practice for the try outs.

I quit things not just because of my lack of ability, though that is a factor sometimes. I regularly quit because it just gets too hard or I lose interest. I am not one for perseverance.

As I've grown as a Christian I have seen this come out in greater degree. When a relationship is strained or difficult, I want out. When I face push back from people over my beliefs or a decision I make, I want to retreat. When I face another sleepless night because my children are sick, I want to crawl into a hole and stay there for a few days. Escapism, in many ways, has always been my comfort. But this is not the way of the Christian. Endurance and perseverance is a key component of the Christian life. The Bible says that only those who persevere to the end will be saved (Matt. 24:13). God takes our perseverance seriously.

But life is hard isn't it? A quick survey of the news reveals that there is enough going on even today that would make anyone want to throw in the towel. And if you add our personal lives to the mix, you have a recipe for a dozen quitters. What I've grown to understand, though, is that my quitting nature reveals something tragic about my understanding of this life.

I want this to be it.

When it is easy, I soak it up. When it is hard, I want out. My actions reveal that deep down I think this life is it. I live for right now, not the future. But everything about the Christian life is about enduring for the future--to the end. Being a Christian is a call to persevere. As harsh as this sounds to my quitting ears, quitters don't make it to the last day because they fail to persevere. They prove they were never saved in the first place.

Perseverance requires a long-term view--an ability to see what is unseen and to rest in that. This is how quitters like me can persevere. It is not because of my own strength, but because of the strength that God supplies and the eyes of faith he gives us to see the end result. Perseverance is about faith, not circumstances. When I quit, I am trusting in circumstances. In my mind, it's not working out. I'm not happy. I'm uncomfortable. It's too hard. I take a short-term view of my life, rather than a long-term one. But when I have faith, I am resting in the One who knows and controls the outcome of my circumstances.

When Jesus told his disciples what to expect from this life in Luke 21, I imagine quitting seemed like an attractive option. If someone told me to expect persecution and betrayal, the escapist in me would be running for the nearest exit. But that is what Jesus promises to us, too, if we are his. The same tribulation he warned them about is our story as well.

But it is not the final word.

Luke 21:19 is a promise to us:

By your endurance, you will gain your lives.

Though we lose our lives in the trial, we gain them by the endurance. No one knew this better than Jesus. He faced the ultimate betrayal and persecution so in our weakest moments we could rest on his work to bring us to the end. Just like Jesus gained his life back through his patient endurance of the cross, so we gain our eternal lives by leaning in to his perfect endurance on our behalf.

The Christian life is not for the quitter. I know that now. It is something I will probably have to overcome my entire life. But there is a day coming where my weak faith will be sight and my limping endurance will bring me to the finish line--where I will see my Christ and there will be no more need for struggling faith because I will be home.

How To Help Your Infertile Friend: Treat Her Like a Normal Person

One of the most helpful things you can do for your infertile friend is to treat her like a normal person. Infertility has a way of making you feel like a freak of nature. What an infertile person needs to know is that infertility does not define them. They are not less than human because they cannot conceive. Their womanhood is not determined by a pregnant belly or a house full of children. They need to know that they are just as normal as the next woman.

When everyone around them is sharing news of another pregnancy, this truth can be hard to hold on to because the reality is that their body (or their husband's body) is not functioning like it was made to. They often feel this acutely. But what they need help seeing is that their biological failure is not a personhood failure. Their identity as God's child is not tied to what their broken body can or cannot do. This is why they need you to come along side them and treat them like their life is just as valuable and exciting even in the midst of a profound suffering.You can have a tremendous impact on our hurting friend by treating them like they are as human as you are.

So how do you do that?

Obviously, this varies from person to person, but one way I felt "normal" with my friends is that they expressed interest in the things that interested me. It might seem really small, but infertility can be an all consuming experience. From doctor's visits to charts and tests, it can often feel like your life is one big experiment. My friends helped me get outside of that experience by caring about the other things that I really loved.

Another thing is that they didn't shy away from was sharing their lives with me. It can be hard to share exciting baby news or the details of your potty training experiences with a friend who desperately wants a child of her own, but nothing makes an infertile person feel more abnormal than when he or she knows someone is intentionally holding back about their own children. Like I said in my last post, carefully composed words require knowing your friend, but so does knowing when to share your life with them. An infertile person can feel very alone at times and refraining from sharing your life with her for fear of making her pain worse can only make her feel more alone. Infertile people are very aware of the myriad of babies that are always seeming to pop up right in front of them, so you probably won't be sharing anything with her that she isn't already acutely aware of.

As you walk this road with your hurting friend she will be greatly served by you remembering that there is really very little that separates you from her. While you may be able to conceive with ease, you both bear the image of Christ and find your identity in him alone. Standing on this truth will help you see her as a normal person in need of eyes of faith to see her Savior in the midst of her pain.

How to Help Your Infertile Friend: Part 1

It's been over a year since God opened my womb and gave us these twin boys, which means it's been over a year since I've felt the daily sting of infertility. All throughout our struggle to get pregnant, and in the months following our pregnancy, I have wanted to write something that would help others know how to help their friends in this difficult trial. I have written about how to help after miscarriage and I have written to the infertile woman, but I have never written to an outsider looking in on the infertile couple. There are a number of reasons for that. In the midst of our journey I never felt like I could really pinpoint the most helpful things. We were truly upheld by so many dear people, but in the moment I never wanted to come out swinging against the ones who maybe didn't know exactly how to help. During infertility was not the best time for me personally to write about it. I felt like God had more work to do on my own heart before I could write about it.

But as I am now farther removed from it, my prayer is that I can help those who earnestly desire to encourage their weary friends as they walk this hard road of infertility. Here is part one.

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Choose Your Words Carefully

This can apply to many situations that have nothing to do with infertility, which is why I mention it first. As believers, we know that our words matter. We know that our words have value for another. And we know that our words can either bring life or bring death to a person's soul.

Nowhere is this more important to recognize than when you are dealing with a suffering person. And infertility is a form of suffering. For the infertile, there are days where the reality that she cannot get pregnant is right on her shoulder, screaming lies into her head. Lies like "you aren't really a woman." "This defines you." "You have no purpose because you can't bring life into the world." Carefully composed words can be a healing balm to a discouraged and fainthearted saint.

But another more common temptation when you are helping your infertile friends is the urge to generalize their situation and lump it into every other instance of infertility that you are aware of. I still struggle with this, and I have gone through it! The truth is there are a myriad of reasons why a couple might be infertile. And as their friend, you might want to help find out that reason. While some may know why they can’t get pregnant, some don’t. Some situations require simple procedures to fix the problem. Some require years of treatment that only amount to drained bank accounts and broken hearts. What an infertile couple needs most is not a story about how a friend of a friend got pregnant with the same treatment. That might be true. But for every story of success there is another of failure. This doesn’t mean you never offer advice or insight. Just be careful what you say and when you say it. Sometimes silence is the best policy.

 

And I understand how hard this can be. When I don’t know what to say, I often say too much. I just want to say something, anything, to alleviate the pain. But sometimes removing the pain is not what your friend needs. She might just need empathy. She might just need you to sit with her and cry. But here is one thing I can almost promise you, if you have thought of a reason for why she is infertile, she has probably thought of fifteen more. The infertile woman knows her body (usually) more than she ever wanted to know it. And she understands conception usually better than most.

 

So if your desire is to help your friend, and I trust that it is, understand that a carefully composed word goes a long way. This doesn't mean you have to walk on eggshells around your friend (we will talk about that in another post), but it does mean you think about what you say before you say it. Words, if chosen wisely, can go a long way to helping your suffering friend.

We Can't All Be Number 1

I never really played sports, but my brothers did. One thing stood out to me in my years at the baseball, football, and occasional soccer fields: someone always wins. While this is slowly becoming less likely in the world of childhood sports, when I was growing up there was a first place and a second place. And that was a good thing.

This idea of making everyone a winner translates into a variety of fields, including academics. Grade inflation is a problem. Young people are going to college and finding it increasingly difficult to make it in the corporate world because let's face it, your professors and bosses are not going to give you high marks and a promotion just for being you.

While not all of us fall into this category of feeling entitled to greatness all of the time, we all probably struggle with feeling like we aren't doing enough. We see people with flashy careers, booming ministries, and large platforms and we quietly wonder if our life has any real significance in the grand scheme of things. Can we really be glorifying God when we just go to our mundane job every day or are cleaning up after messy toddlers? Absolutely. In fact, I think that we would do well to encourage people in these pursuits more because the reality is that most of us will live in this mundane world for the majority of our lives. And God is very much glorified with our faithful living in the ordinary.

I expound on this idea in an article for Her.meneutics that went up yesterday. I tie in the fact that our worth and value is not tied to our accomplishments but in our identity as image bearers of our creator. We are special because God is infinitely special. Every job he has given us, every sphere of influence we find ourselves in, is an opportunity to glorify him as the giver of all good gifts.

If you are struggling with the ordinary nature of your life, I hope this article will be an encouragement to you to remain faithful in the task that God has called you to. An ordinary life is not a wasted life when Christ is your supreme treasure and your work is done for his glory.

Read the article here.

Help a Younger Sister Out

Before I got married, and shortly after, I was regularly told by older couples to enjoy the happy moments of wedded bless because it won’t last. One couple even told us that after we had been married as long as they had (three years) all the excitement would wane and we would be just another married couple like them, hardly touching, bickering constantly, and doing our own separate things.
 
I don’t think we were alone. I know a number of other young couples, parents-to-be, and wives who have heard similar pieces of advice from other well-meaning older people. While there is a balance to giving a realistic understanding of marriage for young couples, there is a point where realism turns into fatalism and then we are left wondering why all the young people don’t want to get married anymore.

Marriage is tainted by sin, there is no denying that. But marriage is not bad, boring, and a chore. Or at least it doesn’t have to be. As a younger woman, speaking on behalf of younger women everywhere, I have a simple request to older women who are reading. Can you help us?

We want to believe that marriage is better than the alternative. We want to believe that the day we say “I do” is not the final stamp on the good life. We want to believe that children won’t ruin our bodies, aspirations, marriages, and sex lives. Yes, we want reality. But we want to know that there is at least some hope of going up from here, not down. We want to know that when we read in the Bible that he has a plan for marriage and family and that it means good things in our life now, and that we will enjoy fulfillment in living out our design as women.

The culture tells us that fun relationships, good sex, and dreams only happen for those who are single with no kids. Unfortunately, a lot of people in the church tell us the same thing for those who are young married couples with no kids. A lot of us have heard “enjoy your marriage now before you have kids,” or “someday you won’t like him as much as you do now.”

But I imagine this is hardly what Paul had in mind when he told Titus to have the older women teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children, among other things. Older women have a unique and God-ordained opportunity to teach good things to the next generation, and one of them pertains to their marriage and family. There is a reason Paul tells Titus specifically to have the older women teach these things. Unfortunately, loving my husband and (future) children does not come naturally. I am a sinner. Older women have a unique ability to help younger women in this calling because they have lived it. They have lived through the hardship, sleepless nights, fights, financial struggles, misunderstandings, and lack of feelings. They know what it feels like to have the feelings fade for their husband. They know what it feels like when God works in their marriage and restores it tenfold. They have perspective. And that is what we are desperate to see in the older women around us.

And there is a point to all of this—that the word of God would not be reviled. When older women fail to teach younger women the ways of God the world looks more attractive, and God’s plan for marriages looks like pure boredom. But when older women teach what is good to the younger women in their lives, God is glorified and we are strengthened.

If you are an older woman passing on these truths to the next generation, I praise God for you. We need you, we celebrate you, and we want to be like you someday. We younger women need help to get to the finish line of this journey before us. And we can’t do it without bold, older women teaching us that all this messy stuff is good and worth it, and one day it will come out as gold.

God is in the Heat

"It is incredibly encouraging to realize that the Bible addresses the world as we know it. God makes it very clear that he understands the Heat we face every day. It isn't always pleasant to read the honest stories of Scripture, but it is comforting. We realize that we will never face an experience, no matter how dark or difficult, that would be a shock to our God. The hope and help God offers his children reflect his knowledge of the full range of human experience..."

"Life on earth is a wilderness. Each day we face unexpected difficulties, and even blessings knock us off our path! In it all, God works to expose, change, and mature us. He has not forgotten you or the promises he made to you. He has not left you to the limits of your power and wisdom. In ways that are glorious, yet often hard to understand, God is in your Heat. He calls you to turn from questioning him to examine yourself. Where do you question his goodness, grace, and love? Where do you toy with the idea of going back to "Egypt"? When do you neglect daily Bible study and worship? Where do you struggle with anger, envy, disappointment, and blame.?"

-How People Change, Paul David Tripp and Tim Lane

One of the most helpful things I've learned in the past few years is this concept of Heat and Thorns/Fruit. We all face Heat in a variety of ways. While the Heat can be difficult, it does not dictate our response to it. It only reveals what is already inside. Heat has a way of doing that. But what has been even more encouraging to me is that God is in my Heat. He has ordained my Heat. He has promised to sanctify me in my Heat. And he will bring me through it. I am not left to myself and my own sinful responses. I have a God who is there and who will never leave me or forsake me. If you are struggling with lasting, biblical change in your life (like me), this book is so helpful in identifying sin and providing hope for change. It was an encouragement to my soul.

What a Girl Wants (and How She Can Get It): Part 3

A Girl’s Responsibility

Even with the most comprehensive and put together discipleship program girls today have a responsibility to act rightly. Women, and girls, have tremendous power at their fingertips. While most young women would say that they want a man to lead, provide, and protect them, many of them settle for far less than God’s ideal for a godly man. As John Ensor so helpfully says in his book, Doing ThingsRight in Matters of the Heart:

“Sisters, abstaining from sexual immorality is, for you, too, a matter of submitting to God and his commands. But it is more. It is God’s “Mature Manhood Test Kit” for women. The immature, self-centered, ungodly man will test negative in a matter of weeks. The deceitful and cunning predator will test negative in a matter of days. Men willing to wait, and wanting to wait, will test positive. It is not a lack of sexual interest; it is a healthy fear of God. It is love, which at this point rightfully expresses itself as protection from sin and shame. If he weakens, help him succeed. If all else goes well in the development of the relationship, you know you are marrying a godly man, one who has self-control and a clear sense of his calling as a man.”

To put it simply, girls can encourage men to be men. They can test them by their willingness to wait to fulfill their sexual desires until marriage. It is not normal for boys to expect sex and get it outside of marriage, at least not in God’s economy. Yet, so many of them think this is the case. As we disciple them and walk them through God’s design for them as women they will learn that they have tremendous power to either encourage men to act honorably or dishonorably. And something happens when we help girls do this—the bad boys move on.

I find great encouragement in the fact that young women today want to marry well and live as godly women. But we have to go further than the desire. The Evil One wants nothing more than for them to abandon God’s design and follow the culture. And the cultural onslaught against womanhood is just as bad. By God’s grace our churches can, and should be, places where young girls can grow in godliness and their desire for marriage and family, and be protected from the boys who will keep them from these matrimonial dreams becoming a reality.

This post is the third post in a two part series. Read Part 1 and Part 2

The Pure See God

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” –Matthew 5:8

I have read this verse for years and it was only recently that the full weight of it hit me. Lack of purity, in heart and ultimately in deed, can keep us from seeing God. So often when we talk about purity with young people we focus primarily on behavior modification. It is not wrong to tell kids not to have sex and that “true love waits”. In fact, telling them what not to do is a form of instruction and necessary in shepherding and guiding. But it must be more than that. And I think the Bible tells the same story.

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus is speaking about behavior, but he is also getting at something more integral to what it means to trust in Christ and be a believer. Jesus is speaking about the heart. When he addresses lust later on in Matthew 5 he actually makes the command to not sin sexually much harder, essentially saying to every human being who has ever lived “by your lustful thoughts you all are adulterous, even if only in your mind.” In Jesus’ mind there is no difference between what we desire and what we actually do. It’s the principle he speaks of elsewhere that out of our hearts comes who we really are (Luke 6:45).

So what’s really going on when we talk about purity? Jesus is getting at what we worship. John Calvin said that our hearts are idol factories. Our depravity ensures that we will naturally gravitate towards propping up idols to worship, rather than bowing down at the feet of King Jesus. The reason the impure can’t see God is not because they are having sex outside of marriage, although that is enough to condemn them. They can’t see God because the idol of pleasure is blocking their view of the greatest pleasure they could ever know—fellowship with their Creator. The Bible consistently teaches that those who continue to practice sexual immorality are living as those who do not know God (Ephesians 5:1-11, 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8). This is why messages of behavior modification will never be enough. We must get at the heart of what people worship before we can begin telling them how to live. Otherwise we will be left with empty moralists who no more see God than the girl who had sex with her boyfriend last night. They have to know and believe in the God who made them before they can begin learning how he wants them to live.

The culture would have us believe that pleasure, love, and security awaits you if you just give in to your feelings and follow your heart (i.e. live a sexually promiscuous lifestyle). In fact, even this week there was talk around the web about Tim Tebow’s commitment to remaining pure until marriage. To the outside world, it is laughable. But to us, it is commendable. Why? Because according to the Bible pleasure, love, and security do await us, but not in the way the world prescribes. God’s standard for holiness and purity is designed to protect us, and give us maximum happiness in our obedience to him. It is more about our worship of him alone than our desire for sexual fulfillment. It is in the losing of ourselves and our desires that we actually find ourselves.

Just look around at Hollywood actors. A quick survey of their marriages and relationships reveals that even though they often portray sexual activity outside of marriage as the norm and blissfully risk-free, their personal lives tell a very different story. While they promise lasting happiness in their films, the proof is in the true Hollywood stories of their actual lives.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave Eve to Adam and blessed the marriage covenant (Genesis 1-2). God knew what we has doing when he told the Israelites, and now those who are in Christ, to be holy because he was holy (Leviticus 11:44). God knew what he was doing when he said that there must be not even a hint of sexual immorality named among us (Ephesians 5:3). And he knew what he was doing when he declared that only the pure in heart will see him. He made us for himself and for his glory. When we live outside of his commands and boundaries we make a mockery of his good design and we lose the fellowship we were made for. We can try all day long to fill the God-shaped void with pithy idols like sex, boys, pleasure, and false security but they will never be enough. That’s why we always need more but feel so lousy afterwards. With God, we never can get enough but we always feel satisfied.

Don’t believe the lie that sexual activity outside of marriage is really no big deal. If you were honest with yourself, you would probably say that you don’t really believe that anyway. Every act of impurity is leading you further away from the God who made you and loves you. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The One who spoke the words of Matthew 5:8 made a way for you to be pure. He died for your idolatrous worship of sex and pleasure. He died to make you pure and blameless in the Father’s sight. He died so that you would no longer be a slave to unrighteousness, but would bear his righteousness. And by his work, you can be cleansed from your impurity and see the perfect and holy God in all his glory. Only then can you truly be blessed.

Ask Probing Questions

After yesterday's post, I thought it might be helpful to provide some practical questions to assess your heart for bitterness. They are hard ones, at least for me. I don't always like to ask them of myself, but they almost always produce fruit and conviction, which is necessary for change. Here they are:

If the person you are offended by, struggling with, or angry towards received a good thing (whatever it might be), would you be happy for them or mad that it happened to them?

Better yet, if they did not receive a good thing, or something unfortunate happened to them, would you be happy that it happened or would you feel compassion towards them?

Ouch. As hard as it might be to ask yourself those questions, they reveal things don't they? If they don't right now, you probably can remember moments you have felt this way, right?

Thankfully, like we talked about yesterday, our basis for fighting bitterness is the same hope that ensures our bitter thoughts no longer condemn us. Confess your sin of bitterness to the Lord, and he will forgive you. Praise God for forgiveness!

The Antidote for Bitterness

You never saw it coming. A hurt feeling, an unmet expectation, or a dashed dream and suddenly your entire emotional being is controlled by this sneaky feeling. It doesn’t happen overnight, but you notice it the most when that person or moment is brought to mind. It makes you angry. It makes you frustrated. And before you know it, you realize that it actually makes you bitter.

Bitterness is an emotion (read: sin) that we are often okay with. We disguise it with the language of hurt feelings, frustration, disappointment, or even righteous anger. We say to ourselves: “Bad things have happened to me. I’m not bitter. I’m just sad, hurt, and discouraged.”

But are we?

It’s a fine line, that one between genuine hurt/disappointment and full-fledged bitterness. But if we were truly honest with ourselves, while we don’t really like pinpointing it in our own lives, it’s not too hard to identify it in others. Usually it manifests itself in resentment, disdain, harsh judgment or hatred of a person. The overarching theme of the bitter heart is one that deep down thinks “I deserve better than this.” How do I know this?

My name is Courtney, and I am a bitter person.

Once I realized that so much of my resentment and anger was stemming from a bitter heart I wanted it gone immediately. It’s really ugly once your eyes are opened to it. I mean, who wants to be around a bitter person? I sure don’t. And one of the things about bitterness is that it can be really hard or intimidating to identify in the life of a person who is going through a trial. We tend to excuse their sinful responses because they are hurting or suffering. Why heap more problems on them, right? Wrong! It is exactly in these moments where godly, wise, and compassionate friends can lovingly show the sufferer that while her pain is legitimate and real, she might be allowing it to foster bitterness and resentment, rather than the growth that God intends.

Thankfully, the Bible provides us with a helpful antidote to bitterness.

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” –Ephesians 4:31-32

Each of the first responses in verse 31 stem from an unkind, unforgiving heart. And then Paul gives the antidote. The remedy for bitterness and anger is forgiveness, and not just blind forgiveness, but forgiveness in the same manner as our Savior forgave us. Of all people to be angry and frustrated with the ones who offended him, it’s Jesus. If anyone had reason to hold our sin against us, it is Jesus. We can cry “I don’t deserve this” all we want, but Jesus is the one who truly can say it. He forgave us abundantly even when we hated him. The hope for a bitter heart is to look at the Cross. Bitterness is self-focused. And nowhere else are we more distracted from our own selves than by gazing at our Savior on the Cross. He was perfect, and we wronged him more than we will ever be wronged in our life. If he forgave me, the chief of sinners, how much more should I put away bitterness and forgive those who wrong me?

The heart of bitterness in my own life is stemming from a self-righteous attitude that thinks I’m getting something I don’t really deserve. But the Cross tells me the exact opposite. I deserve far worse than I’m getting. I deserve death and eternal punishment for my sin, but it was all poured out on Jesus instead.

Bitterness is an ugly sin. It often takes legitimately hard circumstances and makes them all about me and my feelings. They don’t understand me. They don’t treat me like I want to be treated. I didn’t get the desired outcome I wanted from this circumstance. But in God’s kind mercy he has given us a way of escape through our Savior, Jesus Christ. Bitterness does not have to have the last word in our lives, and for that I am eternally thankful.