What I Learned About Marriage From Gilbert Blythe

I don't remember exactly how old I was when I first watched Anne of Green Gables, but I know I've now seen it more times than I can count. For the longest time it was my go-to movie whenever I was sick. Who doesn't love the comfort of Avonlea when your fever is rising and your nose won't quit running? Because I am the only girl in my family, I even convinced one of my brothers to appreciate the story of Anne, Gilbert, Diana, Marilla, and Matthew (his wife can thank me for his enjoyment in classics like these).

With the many other fans of Anne of Green Gables I have been reminiscing about all that Anne of Green Gables meant to me as we learned of the sudden death of Jonathan Crombie, the man who played Gilbert Blythe. Like many women my age, I can count Gil as one of my first fictional crushes. I remember watching his often tense and teasing interactions with Anne and hoping that one day I could marry someone who loved me as passionately as Gil did.

A lot of my expectations of my future husband were fueled by unrealistic expectations at best, and a man in my own image at worst. But there is one thing about Gil and Anne's relationship that I'm thankful I have in my own.

Unwavering support.

I'm pretty sure the writing bug bit me in part because of Anne of Green Gables. As a young girl, I enjoyed pretending and telling a story, but seeing Anne publish, teach, and work at her craft really gave me a vision for writing that stayed with me over the years. I wanted to do the same thing. She wasn't like the other girls, and Gil loved that about her. But he also loved her enough to help her get better at her vocation--her writing.

Writers don't like being critiqued. At least I don't often appreciate it at first. It's painful. It feels like someone is tearing at part of your soul. A writer feels like her work is part of her and to tell her it's not good, or doesn't make sense, can feel like you are saying she doesn't make sense. When Gil told Anne to write about Avonlea, the place they both loved, it hurt her at first. But he was right. He knew the story that was inside of her and he was pushing her to allow it to come out. He believed in her writing.

I'm thankful that Daniel does the same for me, even though I might resent his criticism at first. At the end of the day no one believes in my writing more. No one believes in the words that are inside of me more than him. When I'm sloppy or unclear, he knows I can do better. When I'm tempted to compromise or cut corners out of fear of man, he knows I know the truth and challenges me to hold fast to it. He is my toughest critic and my greatest fan--which makes the often bitter pill of criticism easier to swallow.

I didn't marry a man who fights with me passionately like Gil did with Anne, although I thought that is what I needed when I was a young, passionate, and romantic girl. But I did marry a man who supports me as a writer and encourages me to write for God's glory and true to who I am. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

For the Ordinary Valentine's Day

Yesterday I asked Daniel if he was expecting us to get something for each other this Valentine's Day (a little late, I know). He said "no." 

"Good, me neither," I said.

It's not that I don't like Valentine's Day. It's actually quite the opposite. Both of us love holidays and celebrations, so we try to make something out of any occasion, even Valentine's Day. This year, real life has taken over and we are simply thankful to spend a quiet evening at home. 

This is our sixth Valentine's Day together. We've never gone out on Valentine's Day, but instead have continued a tradition of Daniel making dinner for us. Every year it becomes more of a treat for me that someone besides myself makes dinner. But this year there won't be any flowers, there are no cards, and their certainly aren't any presents. Three months from today our third son will, Lord willing, be born and we just replaced our heater. Real life has eclipsed candy, cards, and flowers. 

I used to not be okay with such ordinary efforts. In the days leading up to Valentine's Day, anniversaries, or my birthday, expectations were high and emotions were tense. Especially on Valentine's Day, I had a real time means of comparison in the form of Facebook and Twitter. With every poem written, bouquet displayed, and gift shared, envy and disappointment simmered inside me.

It's not that my husband isn't romantic or thoughtful. He's actually quite the opposite. But no husband or wife can live up to the perfection displayed on our computer (or phone) screens. And I felt the sting of not living up acutely. Sometimes I would forget about Valentine's Day and fail to write him a card, only to be met with a heartfelt letter from him over dinner that night. Sometimes he would rush to buy the ingredients for dinner and hurry through preparation because work doesn't stop for Valentine's Day.

The truth is we haven't had a "normal" Valentine's Day in a couple of years. Two years ago, the twins were in the NICU and we hurriedly ate a meal brought to us by a church member before heading to the hospital for our nightly visit with them. Last year, I was six weeks pregnant and could barely stomach food. This year, I'm pregnant again and we are smack in the middle of a busy work season for him. 

But this year, unlike previous years, I'm okay with the ordinariness of our celebration. For too long I have lived for the mountaintop experience in every facet of my life. My marriage is no different. I have expected the unattainable romance of my imagination, when what I really needed (and had all along) was the steadfastness of covenant keeping love. What I'm learning is that life is not made up of the grand moments we all expect as much as it is forged by the ordinary moments that comprise our days. Our marriage isn't headed down the tubes because we long for the quietness of the ordinary, it simply means we are growing more comfortable in the safety of this life God has called us to. 

It's easy to succumb to the pressure of the mountaintop experience. And I'll admit, there are some days that are such experiences. But they can't always be that way. Most of the time our days are fairly ordinary, but there is beauty in that. There is purpose in that.

I know that, for us, this is a season. So much of our disappointment over the ordinary is owing to the fact that we can't see our season for what it is--a season. There will come a day when we have more time for each other than we do now. There will come a day where we may have more money to buy things for each other than we do now. I imagine, from what I've heard from those older than me, that we will look back on these ordinary, routine days with sentimental joy knowing that it was in these moments that a family was made. 

For the first time in my life I can honestly say that I'm thankful for this ordinary Valentine's Day. And I wouldn't want to share our ordinary with any other. 

On Five Years of Marriage

Marriage is one of those things that you think you know all about and then you get blindsided by the reality that what you thought you knew really was nothing at all. At least it was that way for me. Before we got married I thought a lot of things about marriage. I had high expectations. I expected that we would spend endless amounts of time together. We would relax at the end of a long day and watch television and read together. We would explore our city and go out to eat at fun new restaurants. But those things take time and money, none of which we had a lot of as we got married in the middle of Daniel's seminary career. I expected all that we knew about manhood and womanhood and conflict and resolution would somehow just fall into place. But textbook and real life are two very different ballgames. I expected more children, easy pregnancies, and a different career path. None of those things is true of our life together. Earlier this week Daniel and I both read a helpful article on what to do when your twenties aren't what you hoped they would be. We can relate. We got married in our twenties and they weren't what we thought they would be. In some ways they were better and in others much, much harder. But we do know one thing:

We are not the same people today that we were five years ago.

And for that we are grateful.

Marriage has been a good and hard road of unexpected turns and circumstances. I have seen firsthand what it means to be loved in sickness and in health. Daniel has held my hand as I've been wheeled off for one surgery, one C-section, and one D&C. He wept with me through two miscarriages and two years of infertility. He has held my hand through uncertain ultrasounds with a high risk pregnancy and made me dinner when pregnancy hormones made the smell of the oven too much for a queasy stomach to handle. He has loved me through happiness and tears. He has stood with me during multiple middle of the night feedings and daily visits to the NICU. He has loved me fiercely. We have laughed over things that only we think are funny and talked passionately about things that only we can understand. There is no one else I would rather spend my days with, even if they are hard and good and messy and crazy.

But like all marriages, ours is far from perfect. We know what it's like to fight on date night and go to bed frustrated. We know what it's like to feel distant even when you are sitting right next to each other. When we said "I do," five years ago, we felt a rush of emotion and never wanted it to end. We know what it's like for that emotion to wane and then come back with greater intensity than there ever was before.

What I've learned in these short five years is that I have a lot to learn. We are not where we want to be, but are glad we get to walk this road together. We know less today than we did five years ago, but by God's grace are not the same as we were that joyous day either. I've learned that no marriage is perfect. Every marriage has its quirks and blind spots, but the beautiful thing is it is ours. This story is our story. With all of its tears, disagreements, laughter, and silliness, it is ours. God has joined us together and he is making us into a picture of himself.

God knew what I needed when he gave me Daniel Reissig five years ago. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Here's to fifty more, babe.

Thoughts from a Reluctant Teacher

Today is my last day with my marriage and family class. It's sort of a two-part goodbye because I had one section yesterday and the other will be today. So I've really been saying goodbye for two days. And while I will be back in January to teach a two week J-term on biblical womanhood, I won't teach Marriage and Family again.

It's a bittersweet moment for me. I have loved this experience, but cannot wait to be a mom to these boys even more. And it's hard to believe that I didn't really want to do it at first.

When we moved to Arkansas we decided I wouldn't look for full-time work. We were really hoping to get pregnant and wanted to eliminate as much pressure as possible. So I substitute taught, and did freelance writing and part-time work from home. Because Daniel's job requires him to travel, I was able to go with him on his work trips. Even though we wanted children desperately, it was a good season for us.

When the teaching job was offered to me I initially thought I wouldn't take it. But after realizing I needed some additional treatment that would postpone our ability to get pregnant, we started reconsidering the teaching position. All I wanted was to have children at home with me, but instead I was going to teach other people's children every day. I thought it would be like every other job I had held the past couple of years.

Boy, was I wrong.

While I was initially less than enthusiastic about it, the idea grew on me. This experience was exactly what I needed. Of all the jobs I have had (and I have had many), it has been my favorite. In fact, many days it doesn't even feel like a job. A few weeks into the semester last year it struck me that God was giving me my hearts desire, just in a different way. I wanted so badly to pour into my own children. I felt like I had all of these nurturing desires that were unmet, and suddenly I was spending every day investing in the next generation.

And I learned a lot, too. Teaching a marriage and family class makes you examine your own marriage. I was exposing my students (and myself) to godly older men and women who had a lot to say about marriage. And in turn, I was convicted and changed. I distinctly remember having a fight with Daniel the night before I was supposed to teach on conflict and communication. Through tears I said, "I can't teach them about this tomorrow when I can't even do it myself!" But the gospel of Jesus Christ was a balm of grace for me in fresh ways as I tried to point them to the One to whom our marriages are designed to model.

God met me in the classroom in ways I never could have imagined when I said "yes" to the job. While I went in with a bad attitude, I am leaving with a plethora of memories, a full heart, and excitement over what God will do in the lives of these students.

What I learned in this past year is that God always knows what he is doing. I loved every minute of this past year of teaching. While I am excited to start this new chapter of my life, I will miss my students. They were an encouragement to me in ways I never anticipated. They welcomed me into their lives. And they rejoiced with me about the new additions in my life.

So on my last day of teaching (sort of), I am thankful to God for the work he did in my life this past year. It's a reminder that even when we don't get what we expect or hope, God is working a thousand details behind the scenes for our good and our joy.

Waiting on a New Day

When Daniel was in seminary I would often look longingly at the future and say to myself "when he graduates, then we will have a normal married life." Now that seminary is over, and life is still as busy as ever, I find myself saying "when he is full time at the church, then we will have a normal married life." In my mind, a normal married life is defined as free evenings and weekends and a good dose of quality time together. In my worst moments, I have complete meltdowns that this will never happen and our marriage is doomed to failure because we are missing the quality time all the marriage books say is necessary for a healthy marriage. In my best moments, I still long for a better season, one where we can blissfully enjoy our time together without the pressures of life squeezing in around us.

But as I've reflected recently about our 3 1/2 years together, I have started to think that maybe my dream of endless evenings on the couch and weekend outings is a little far fetched. Maybe my perspective is a little askew. I've talked on this blog before about my tendency to make rest my savior, and the unrealistic expectations I brought to this marriage. In the past few months I have started to think that my constant looking towards the future (while good sometimes) is only feeding my appetite for rest and comfort being my ultimate savior.

When I got married I thought (and hoped) we would work our 9 to 5 jobs and then have the rest of our time to play. Seminary was the wrench in that plan. But after seminary I thought surely life would be more free. And while it is different, it's still busy. My husband is a bi-vocational pastor, and his second vocation requires him to travel nearly every week. Couple that with church responsibilities and we are a busy bunch. And now we are about to throw two precious boys into this mix. As time has gone on I've begun to think that this life we live is not necessarily the "new normal", but the normal we were intended to experience all along.

Married couples need quality time, don't get me wrong. But the reality is, for myself especially, that my initial expectation of quality time could hardly be defined as sustainable over the long haul. And I imagine that's the case for many of my friends as well. Husbands work hard outside of the home, sometimes at multiple jobs or for crazy, long hours. Wives work, too. If there are children, both parents might work outside of the home or the mom might work hard in the home. In nearly every case, among my dearest friends and family, life is just straight-up busy, and not for unrealistic reasons. Life is hard. And it costs money. On top of that, as Christians, we are called to work hard in this life. And while we find our ultimate rest in Christ, we still live in a fallen world that makes even the most joyous endeavors (marriage and family) fall short of what we hope for and what God intended. The fact that my husband and I don't spend as much time together as we like, or even sleep in the same bed for seven consecutive nights, is a reminder that his world is not all there is. But it's also a reminder that a better world is coming.

So what are we to do if our expectations for quality time are not met? If your husband travels frequently, soak up the times he is home. If you have 4 kids under the age of 6 and you can't remember the last time you had quality anything, take advantage of the little moments you have for rest and time together. If you are in school, hold on for the breaks and holidays. If your husband is a bi-vocational pastor, be thankful for the time he does have when he is not working to provide for his family or preparing to provide spiritually for his sheep. It's hard, I know. But just because your life looks different than you thought it would, or the way our culture portrays it should be, doesn't mean your marriage is failing. Like I said, a new and better day is coming. Until then, I'm praying I can be thankful for the one God has given me right now. And I'll be the first to admit, it's not always easy to do. But by his grace I hope that my response this year is better than the last.

Embracing the Seasons

A few months ago I read an article about women who use pictures of their children for their Facebook profile. The author saw this as a step down for women who once were possibly prosperous, individuals in our society. Now they are simply relegated to their children. Their children define them. Their online identity is their children. What once stood as a testimony to their interests, dreams, and personality has now been invaded by a little person in diapers. Their conversations, which were once intelligent and deep, now consist of sleep schedules, teething, and diaper rash.

While I agree that our children, career, friends, or husbands should never be where our identity is found, I was troubled by her assertion that these women were in some way "letting down the team." Women have a variety of seasons over the course of their lives. Some seasons are "productive" in that we bring in income, complete a variety of projects, and have a full social calendar. Others are seemingly less "productive", but looks can be deceiving. As Christians, we should be careful that we not define fruitfulness by tangible results and productivity, per se. A young mom might not check much off her to-do list on any given day, but her work in her home is sowing seeds that will, Lord willing, one day produce a harvest of righteousness. A pregnant mom might once have had the energy to engage in deep conversations at the end of the day, where as now all she can do is give her friends an update on the morning sickness.

What the author failed to acknowledge is that women, unlike men, have fairly defined seasons in their lives. My husband is not, nor can he be, pregnant. And while this pregnancy has certainly impacted him, he can still do the majority of the things he did before we were pregnant. He doesn't have to pack extra snacks wherever he goes. He doesn't have to put his feet up at the end of the day. He doesn't have to rest more frequently.

I do. My body is not my own now and won't be for a very long time. Pretending like this is not the case is to deny the very clear biological and emotional differences between my husband and myself.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the reality of living a seasonal life. When we first got married I struggled with the sudden changes that my life underwent. My single life was easier and more carefree. Now I had a husband to love and care for. When I was dealing with the side effects of some treatment, I struggled with the fact that I couldn't do all that I wanted to do. I was limited, but only for a season. When I first got pregnant I was pretty much dead to the world for about 17 weeks. But again, it was only a season. Now I have a little more energy, but still not as much. When the twins come it will be another season of change and adjustment.

I think that part of the reason we face seasons in much greater measure as women is because it allows us to adapt to the ever changing needs of our husbands and families. When I resist these changes, I am actually resisting the One who created me and the season I am in. There will be a day where I am not limited by my growing belly, but then it will be a new season with new joys and new limitations.

The world doesn't understand this. As the article I read articulated, our sinful nature is self-seeking. To give your life for another is a foreign and ridiculous concept. But that is what we are called to as women, and as Christians, really. Every single day, whether you are married, single, pregnant, or caring for multiple children, is an opportunity to embrace the season that God has placed you in, recognizing that it is only that--a season. Like all seasons, it will end, only to be met by another one. And each one is a precious gift from God.

Keller Video on Marriage

Marriage in Gospel Focus from The Gospel Coalition on Vimeo.

I showed this video to my marriage and family class the other day and I thought it was too good not to share with all of you. If you haven't read The Meaning of Marriage, run (don't walk) to get it right now. Or go to Amazon and buy it immediately. It is worth it. A lot of what the Kellers say in this video is from their book, but I particularly loved how Tim Keller talked about the basis for relational intimacy in marriage. But don't just take it from me, listen to the whole thing (and get the book!).

Being a Pastor's Wife is an Exercise in Faith

My husband and I got married when we were both in seminary. He was also a part-time youth pastor. We had a short summer break after our wedding before it was back to the grind of school, work, and ministry. My dad was (and still is) a bi-vocational pastor, so I knew what life was like for a family when dad is often getting home from church just in time for dinner on a Saturday evening only to get up way too early the next morning to finish his sermon. When I was eight my dad went to seminary, so I lived in a family where my dad was working on papers, working full-time, all the while trying to be a husband to one and dad to four young children. I had no illusions about what ministry would look like. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would take time. But knowing and believing are two very different things. When it came time to believe that God knew what he was doing, I had a much harder time accepting that this was going to be my life.

The life of a pastor’s wife in a lot of ways is no different than any other Christian wife. But there are some key universally held beliefs that really get tested in the trenches of loving a man in pastoral ministry. These truths are simply what I have learned in these last three years, and therefore not necessarily exhaustive or applicable to every situation. But I would imagine that many wives of pastors probably face some variation of these struggles at some point. If you fit in that category, I hope my struggle towards faithfulness is a help to you.

Believing that God’s Word Changes Lives

If you had asked me four years ago what is the most pressing need for our churches I would have wholeheartedly said, “the preaching of God’s word!” I love the Bible. I believe that biblical preaching is needed in our churches. I believe that when we gather together on Sunday morning we desperately need to hear from God in his word.

But the real test comes on a Saturday afternoon, when my husband is immersed in his final sermon preparation. Do I believe that God’s word preached is the greatest need of his people on Sunday morning? Do I really believe that the people in our congregation need to hear from God, even if it means spending Saturday alone?

If a pastor cannot give God’s word faithfully on Sunday morning, he has very little left to give God’s people. As wives of pastors we have a unique responsibility to help him in this amazing task. From giving him a space to work, to refraining from interrupting him until the sermon is complete (this is hard for me), every ounce of freedom we give him (especially on those lonely Saturdays) is an opportunity for us to exercise trust in the never changing power of the word of God.

Believing that Jesus’ Words are True

Of course we believe that when Jesus speaks it is true. When I was a new Christian I used to boast that I would leave everything for the sake of the gospel, even my family. And while I lived away from my family long before I married a pastor, it did not hit me until that move was permanent. We are settled in ministry. And it’s not near my parents, brothers, or nieces and nephews. Jesus’ words about leaving family for his sake take on a whole new meaning when it’s not an idealistic declaration any longer.

Many of us live thousands of miles away from our immediate families. We miss birthdays, holidays, and important milestones. Our kids miss precious time with grandparents. When Jesus said we would have to deny our closest relationships for his glory he meant it. The cost of following Jesus sometimes implies that we live far away from family. But it also means that we get to experience a little piece of what he was talking about when he said “who are my brothers?” In a lot of ways, our church family is our immediate family now. We are with them at the 4^th of July picnic and on Christmas morning. And we give thanks with them around the table on Thanksgiving. While we lose memories with our immediate families, we gain new, lifelong memories with our brothers and sisters in our congregations that are little foretastes of heaven.

Believing in the Coming Joy

Every sermon preached, every holiday missed, and every trial endured is an opportunity for a pastor’s wife to exercise faith in the God who can be trusted. We must daily fight to see that Jesus is better.  He is better than having your husband free all of the time.  He is better than living around the corner from your mom, dad, and siblings. He is better than stuff. He is better than our dreams for a nice house, extra spending money, well-behaved children (or any children), and a perfect marriage.

But there is more to the story. Because we are married to pastors we have a front row seat for all that God does through our husband’s ministry. We are there for the tears and we are there for the laughter. We are there for the criticism and are there for the praise. We get to see lives changed by God’s word. We get to see families restored through the power of the gospel. Even when it is hard, we can know that the difficulty is not all there is. Every trial endured, every lonely Saturday, and every missed family gathering is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. And sometimes, just sometimes, we get to see a little glimpse of it this side of heaven.

Why We Can't (and Shouldn't) Always Be Productive

Every young women has probably had it said to her on at least one occasion, “make sure you pursue your dreams now, because once you get married (or have children) you will no longer be able to get as much done.”

In some ways this is what Paul had in mind when he talked about the single person being free to minister, while the married one is divided in her pursuits. But often when we hear people talk about marriage and children it is with a negative bent. Divided attention hampers productivity. And in our industrious society, what you produce is what defines you and gives you value.

The culture would have us believe that marriage is the end of all aspirations and productivity. You are now tied down. You aren’t free. You now answer to someone other than yourself. While marriage does limit the freedom of doing things on a whim and working until midnight every night, marriage also gives us a really important thing that God desires for us—greater personal holiness.

Suddenly, I can’t do everything I want to do all of the time. And that is a very good thing sometimes. Marriage has made me get outside of myself and examine my priorities. Marriage has made me die to my idols of productivity that hinder me from loving my husband more than I love my pursuits. Marriage has revealed just how utterly selfish I am about “my time.” Marriage is the God-ordained institution that points to the relationship between Christ and the Church. Completing my endless to-do list does not.

As created beings we were made to be productive and to work hard for God’s glory. But this is not the only thing we were created for, as much as our western world would have us believe otherwise. We were also created for relationships with friends, family, spouses, and children, and more importantly, a relationship with our Savior. It is through these relationships that I am stripped of my sin and idolatry. It is through these relationships that I am able to see Christ in greater measure. These are realities that a solitary pursuit of my own perfect productivity can never create.

Like I said, in the relationship of marriage I have to die to self, serve, and love another person. It’s not always pay raises and glory, but it’s good. It pays much greater dividends in the long run. And while I am still thankful for the days where I can get my to-do list completely checked off, I am learning to be much more thankful for the moments of relational intimacy that marriage provides. Productivity and relationships are not in competition with one another. They both are necessary in God’s economy. And they both can easily become idols if we are not careful.

And now that I am married I am on the other end of the advice giving to young women. The next time I feel tempted to imply that your dreams of productivity are over once you get married, I will stop myself. Marriage and family are not the dashing of our dreams; rather they are the reorientation of these dreams. Through marriage and family our aspirations and desire for productivity are tempered and sanctified by the beauty of living life with another person. And that is a very good thing.

I Want it All

There has been a lot of talk lately about whether or not women can have it all, and by all people usually mean work full time as a mother. But all this talk about what a woman can or cannot do in her various seasons of life can be applied to any age, any marital status, and any amount of children in the home. A recent Forbes article states that young women today don’t feel as inclined towards leadership because of fear of failure. They have been told their entire lives that they can have it all, and unfortunately they have heard that they must be it all. The author says:

 

 

“The recent debate over ‘having it all’ underscores the pressure women put themselves under to perfectly excel in all conceivable areas of our lives.”

I’m sure we can all relate at some level.

We see a woman work a forty-hour work week, serve her church with gusto, and still get a decent meal on the table nearly every night, and then feel like a failure when we burst into tears just trying to boil water at the end of a full day of work. “If she can do it all, why can’t I?” we wonder silently. So we work harder. Try to do more.

Or maybe you have kids, and you see a mom whose kids are always clean, always happy, and always eating the healthiest food. Yet you consider getting a shower before 3pm a tremendous accomplishment in the midst of your busy days with toddlers. Are you doing enough?

To make it more personal (at least for me), you see a writer who can crank out multiple life-changing articles a week, while you are still struggling to finish the one that’s due tomorrow. Why can’t you do more for the kingdom?

The real issue is not so much about doing it all, as it is about being faithful with what is in front of you. A lot could be said about the wisdom of trying to be all things to all people, but that is another post for another day. More than anything, this pressure to have it all and still have a smile on your face at the end of the day is often self-made pressure rooted in unhelpful comparison.

One thing that has taken me a long time to figure out is that all of us have limitations and thresholds. They vary from person to person, and even from season to season, but they are there. There are things that I cannot do if I have too much on my plate. To some people, I might look like I am doing it all. To others I might look like a complete failure. The point is that we are all called to faithfulness with what we have been given. God has created some people with remarkable energy levels. They can accomplish a lot in a day. You probably know some of them. But he has also created some with lesser energy levels. Both types of people are useful in God’s economy. He has created some people with an incredible capacity for efficiency in a short period of time. Yet others take longer to complete a task. Both are fruitful people in their season and capacity level.

The demands of “having it all” that we place on ourselves as women are not simply relegated to the feminist conversations or the corporate boardrooms. They are warring in our own soul every day when we see the tasks set before us.

The only hope for us in the vicious quest to have it all is to recognize that we cannot have it all, not even in the slightest. There will always be more things to do, more meals to make, more square feet to clean, more articles to write, more business deals to make, and the list could go on. The only one who ever gets his to-do list done is God. And the only one who ever perfectly completed every task every set before him on this earth is his son, Jesus. And you know what? He is sitting down now. Which means we can, too. Jesus ensures that our endless pursuit of the next thing does not have to be our destiny. Jesus ensures that our striving to have it all does not have to rule us. And he ensures that our sinful comparison of our life to the woman standing next to us will have no dominion over us.

When we face another day of not being able to have all we wish for, we must look to Jesus. He did it all for us, so we don’t have to be a slave to our work, whatever that work might be. We can live each day in freedom, knowing that God is well pleased with us because he is well pleased with his son, Jesus. We can do our work with joy, and not anxiety, because we know that our ultimate fulfillment is found not in the praise of men but the praise of God.

Women can’t really have it all, any more than men can. It’s all an illusion. Only one person has ever had it all, and he gives it freely to us if we simply rest in him.

Help a Younger Sister Out

Before I got married, and shortly after, I was regularly told by older couples to enjoy the happy moments of wedded bless because it won’t last. One couple even told us that after we had been married as long as they had (three years) all the excitement would wane and we would be just another married couple like them, hardly touching, bickering constantly, and doing our own separate things.
 
I don’t think we were alone. I know a number of other young couples, parents-to-be, and wives who have heard similar pieces of advice from other well-meaning older people. While there is a balance to giving a realistic understanding of marriage for young couples, there is a point where realism turns into fatalism and then we are left wondering why all the young people don’t want to get married anymore.

Marriage is tainted by sin, there is no denying that. But marriage is not bad, boring, and a chore. Or at least it doesn’t have to be. As a younger woman, speaking on behalf of younger women everywhere, I have a simple request to older women who are reading. Can you help us?

We want to believe that marriage is better than the alternative. We want to believe that the day we say “I do” is not the final stamp on the good life. We want to believe that children won’t ruin our bodies, aspirations, marriages, and sex lives. Yes, we want reality. But we want to know that there is at least some hope of going up from here, not down. We want to know that when we read in the Bible that he has a plan for marriage and family and that it means good things in our life now, and that we will enjoy fulfillment in living out our design as women.

The culture tells us that fun relationships, good sex, and dreams only happen for those who are single with no kids. Unfortunately, a lot of people in the church tell us the same thing for those who are young married couples with no kids. A lot of us have heard “enjoy your marriage now before you have kids,” or “someday you won’t like him as much as you do now.”

But I imagine this is hardly what Paul had in mind when he told Titus to have the older women teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children, among other things. Older women have a unique and God-ordained opportunity to teach good things to the next generation, and one of them pertains to their marriage and family. There is a reason Paul tells Titus specifically to have the older women teach these things. Unfortunately, loving my husband and (future) children does not come naturally. I am a sinner. Older women have a unique ability to help younger women in this calling because they have lived it. They have lived through the hardship, sleepless nights, fights, financial struggles, misunderstandings, and lack of feelings. They know what it feels like to have the feelings fade for their husband. They know what it feels like when God works in their marriage and restores it tenfold. They have perspective. And that is what we are desperate to see in the older women around us.

And there is a point to all of this—that the word of God would not be reviled. When older women fail to teach younger women the ways of God the world looks more attractive, and God’s plan for marriages looks like pure boredom. But when older women teach what is good to the younger women in their lives, God is glorified and we are strengthened.

If you are an older woman passing on these truths to the next generation, I praise God for you. We need you, we celebrate you, and we want to be like you someday. We younger women need help to get to the finish line of this journey before us. And we can’t do it without bold, older women teaching us that all this messy stuff is good and worth it, and one day it will come out as gold.

Jesus is Not Your Boyfriend

Daniel and I have just finished a much needed vacation, hence the silence on the blog this past week! But I have been writing. This morning, Her.meneutics (the Christianity Today blog for women) posted something I wrote on a popular trend in Christendom--single women calling Jesus/God their boyfriend. I'm sure at some point you have heard someone say something along these lines, "until God brings me a husband, I am content to just have him as my boyfriend." Some have even gone so far as calling God their lover, as so many popular songs often do.

While a personal relationship with our Savior is crucial, it is not a personal romantic relationship. In fact, when we use earthly relationships to describe our relationship with Jesus we miss something really important, namely the fact that our earthly relationships (i.e. marriage) is meant to image his relationship with his Bride (the church). We are a collective bride, not an individual one.

In the post I say this:

Just as self-marriage misses the mark for what God designed marriage to point to, “marriage” to Jesus misses what his work accomplished. Marriage to Jesus while waiting for a husband can often trivialize our Savior in a way that makes him more like a sweet boyfriend who takes us out on dates, rather than the God-man who paid for our sin on the cross. Jesus did not accomplish redemption to marry us individually. He died for the church corporate, of which we are apart. His death accomplished something much greater than simply meeting our deep-seated desires for a significant other. That is what Paul is getting at in Ephesians 5:22–33 when speaks of the mystery of marriage.

Read the rest of the post here.

Three Years of Marriage

Last night I told Daniel that it is hard to believe how little we knew each other when we said "I do" three years ago today. We knew we loved each other, we knew God brought us together, but in all honesty, there was so much we didn't know. I mean, we hadn't even known each other for a year before our wedding day! We had a lot to learn! I'm sure ten years from now I will say the same thing about this stage of our marriage as well. That is the wonderful thing about marriage. You grow together, you learn each other, and Lord willing, you spend your whole life doing it. While there was so much unknown that day three years ago, one thing is certain now--my life is better because I married Daniel. This has been the most amazing, most difficult, most fulfilling, most tear-filled, most joyous three years of my life. And I would not want it any other way. I love him more and more with each passing day. He is my best friend, and even though I often say that the years go by so fast, it is hard to imagine what my life was like before him. He serves me. He loves me. He points me to the Savior. And we are better together than apart. My understanding of Christ's unconditional love for me has grown because of my experience as Daniel's wife. His trust in God and dependence on his grace for all things encourages me. I am so thankful for this gift of marriage today, and every day.

I love you so much, Daniel. Happy Anniversary!

After Three Years of Marriage: Take it One Day at a Time

Whenever we examine our hearts and lives we inevitably wind up with a list of things we want to change. Reflecting on the past year can bring a laundry list of goals, dreams, sin that needs to be addressed, and the like. If you are like me, you can be simply overwhelmed by the enormity of the task before you. There is so much that needs to change, or that you want to change. You have so many goals for the next year that often feel so unattainable. You have so much guilt over your past failures. Where do you even begin? Here is something so simple, yet so profound, that has encouraged me this year as I have sought to grow as a believer and as a wife.

Work on one thing at a time.

There it is. It’s not a long list of goals or an elaborate plan. In fact, it’s just one simple task. Choose one area for change or one nugget of truth learned and apply it to your life right now. Don’t try and tackle everything at once. That tends to be too much and could actually cause us to go backwards or at least stat stagnant in our growth. Maybe this year growing as a wife means learning to trust in the finished work of Christ. There are a ton of great books out there that can help you in this pursuit (like here, here, and here). Maybe growing as a wife this year means greater discipline in personal holiness. You can start by reading a chapter of the Bible a day and praying for your husband for five minutes a day (maybe while doing the dishes, laundry, or fixing dinner). Maybe growing as a wife means learning to use your tongue for good towards your husband, rather than for evil. You can start by trying to think of one encouraging thing (that you mean) to say to your husband every day.

While these suggestions might seem small, they are steps forward. Even baby steps move us, albeit slowly, towards greater godliness. Focusing on one thing at a time allows us to really grow in that particular area, often fueling greater growth in other areas. It is hard to do things well when you are stretched in a variety of directions.

Few things have served me more than this simple concept. I learned it first from listening to Betsy Ricucci (and I can’t remember the exact message I was listening to). I can get overwhelmed by too many options and too many things to do, especially when it is related to my growth as a believer. But what I have learned in those moments, and my husband has so helpfully led me to see, is that God is concerned with faithfulness, not perfection. Sometimes faithfulness means just doing the next thing. Sometimes it means spending time reflecting and identifying areas of needed growth. Sometimes it means taking action in one specific area. But it usually does not include all three of those things at the same time! God knows I’m not perfect, that’s why he provided Jesus as my righteous substitute. Daily plugging along in the Christian life is faithful living and it will produce a harvest of fruit in the end.

And often we can get more focused on the evidence of fruit, can’t we? Yes, as Christians we should be growing and producing fruit, but it is our overemphasis on the abundance of fruit that often brings discouragement. This is why working on one thing at a time is so helpful. Instead of being overly preoccupied with the results, we are focused on the growth and the process it takes to get us there. But more importantly, focusing on one thing at a time should cause us to be drawn to the One who will produce a harvest of righteousness in our life—Jesus Christ. Only he can bring lasting change. Only he can produce genuine fruit in our lives.

As I look back on this year of marriage, and look forward to the coming year, there is a lot of sanctification I would like to see take place. If you are like me, and you struggle with wanting to see more results than are often evident, you can rest in the promise of Philippians 1:6, God will complete the work he began in you. And as you work and labor to grow in godliness, remember this: take it one day at a time.

After Three Years of Marriage: Love is Unconditional

One of the benefits of reflecting on the past year is that it affords me the opportunity to see areas where I need to continue to grow. It also reminds me of the importance of my role as a wife. Carolyn Mahaney has taught me so much (through her writing and speaking, of course) about God’s design for me as a woman and as a wife. The last few days I have been listening to some of her messages and in her message “Loving Your Husband” on Titus 2:3-5 she highlights two things that were really convicting to me:

1. Loving my husband like Paul talks about is a learned behavior, not what comes naturally to me.
2. Loving my husband like Paul talks about is not contingent on my husband’s treatment of me or his meeting of all of my expectations.

First, Paul exhorts the older women to teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children. The idea of teaching implies that one is not an expert at the subject matter. You don’t have to teach a young woman how to love her husband if she is already good at it. The truth is we are not naturally inclined to love our husbands in the way that Paul is talking about here. Mahaney explains that this form of love that Paul speaks of is a warm, affectionate love, not a love mainly expressed through action. Yes, we can serve our husbands and take care of them, but as Carolyn so helpfully says, we can do all of these things without having any affectionate feelings towards them. Often I find myself loving my husband in ways that I think he needs to be loved (i.e. serving him, doing things for him, etc.) rather than really working hard at getting to know him and love him as my dearest friend and lover. This is why the older women are commanded to teach the younger women how to love their husbands. They have walked the road of marriage. They have years of experience in failure and success. And more importantly, they have seen Christ’s transforming work in their own life and in their marriage. This is the basis of their wisdom and experience. And they can transfer that knowledge to the younger women around them. Because of sin, I am naturally inclined to love my husband in my own selfish way, which leads me to my next point.

Second, loving my husband is not based on his performance as a husband. Loving him, submitting to him, and respecting him as my God-given partner should not be withheld in the moments when he is failing me as a godly leader and spouse. My love for him is (and should be) unconditional. I married a sinner. And I know he married a sinner. If Paul wanted loving my husband to be contingent on his behavior towards me he would have put a clause in this verse in Titus 2. But he didn’t. For a long time I have pretended like that little clause is actually there in Scripture. I withhold respect and trust in Daniel because he is not doing what I want him to do. I treat him with contempt because he is not meeting my expectations. I ignore biblical truth about soft answers and humility because I sense that my needs are not being met by him. What I have had to learn is that my expectations are not ultimate, nor are they always accurate. Yes, my husband has responsibilities before the Lord, but so do I. And Jesus makes it very clear that I must deal with my own heart, sin, and actions before I get in my husband’s face about what he is not doing right (Matt. 7:1-5; Luke 6:39-42). Failure to do this on my part has actually revealed my own idolatry more than I care to admit at times.

The reality is that marriage is a daily exercise in self-sacrifice. Sometimes I have to sacrifice my expectations and desires in order to serve my husband and point him towards the Savior. Sometimes he must do the same for me. When I love my husband and submit to his leadership regardless of how he is acting I am actually closer to the path of Christ than if I spent my time stewing over his imperfections and failures. Christ has paid for every failure of leadership on the part of my husband in the same way that he has paid for every unkind word, idolatrous desire, and hateful reaction towards my husband on my part. When I withhold love from my husband because of his sin, I am actually saying more about my unbelief in the Gospel’s power in his life than I am about my husband’s behavior.

Christ’s love for us is unconditional. There is nothing we can do that can change his love for us. It is based on the merit of his shed blood on our behalf. And our marriages, which are meant to image the beautiful relationship our Savior has with his Bride (us), are to be rooted in the same type of unconditional, covenant keeping love. It’s the covenant and commitment that enables me to love my husband. But even more than that, it’s the cross of Christ that proves to me that this love is even possible. Jesus made a way for me to love my husband so that God will get the most glory as a result. Jesus made a way for me to love my husband even when it goes against what I naturally want to do. Jesus made a way for me to love my husband even when he doesn’t meet every expectation and need I have. Why? Because Jesus is enough, and every act of submission and trust towards my husband is actually displaying my trust and submission to the Savior.

That is my hope for obeying Titus 2. That is my hope for my fourth year of marriage. And by God’s grace, that is my hope for every year after that.

The message by Carolyn Mahaney that I referenced (Loving My Husband) can be listened to here.

After Three Years of Marriage: Part 1

It’s hard to believe, but my third wedding anniversary is this coming Friday. When we got married everyone said it would go by fast, and while I believed them I didn’t fully understand just how fast it would go by. In some ways it feels like we’ve been married forever, not in the sense that some describe forever (i.e. monotony, boring, etc.), but in the sense that I simply cannot imagine my life without or before Daniel. My life is so much more enriched and blessed by him. He is my best friend. He knows me sometimes better than I know myself. He loves me and cares for me. He is fun to be around. He is my dear, sweet husband.

As we reflect on the last three years together we have been talking about the way the Lord has grown us both personally and as a couple. It is an ongoing conversation that will take us all the way to May 25 and passed it, I am sure. What has struck me the most is how much I still have to learn about being a godly wife. I’m sure a lot of wives feel this way, or at least I hope I’m not the only one! The beauty of marriage is that we have a lifetime, Lord willing, to grow in these things. Marriage is an ongoing sanctification project. The declaration of our union as man and wife does not transform us immediately into the man or woman God has called us to be. But don’t we wish it did sometimes?!?

Before I got married I thought I knew a reasonable amount of information about biblical womanhood. I had studied it. I worked for CBMW. I sat under good teaching on the topic. I wrote about it. After I got married, and I was suddenly faced with the daily implementation of these truths, I was surprised by how hard it was. I thought it would come naturally. Sure, things came naturally to me but they weren’t along the lines of submission, respect, love, and honor that God desires of me. If you were to ask my husband, I probably found much better company with the woman on the corner of the rooftop rather than the Proverbs 31 woman.

I wish I could say three years later that I am much improved. I’m not where I want to be, but I pray that by God’s grace I’m making progress. So over the next few days, in honor of my anniversary week (we like to celebrate weeks around here, rather than days) I am going to write about things the Lord has taught me about myself as a wife this year. I’ve learned to take it one year at a time. This year, by God’s grace, showed more fruit than last year. Hopefully next year will be even more fruitful, and with each passing year I pray my marriage grows more and more. Maybe you can relate. You aren’t where you want to be, but you know you need help and hope for change. I hope you will join me this week. I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I am like you—a desperate woman, desiring to please God, and hoping for more of Jesus in my life and marriage in the next year.

Friday is for Fotos

Kool-Aid is in the refrigerator (his favorite).

The apartment is sparkly clean.

Hamburgers are on the menu for tonight.

And after nine days and eight nights away, this man is coming home to me today.

Can't wait to see you, baby! I've missed you like crazy!

Forgiveness is an Exercise in Faith

For the last two weeks I have been teaching on communication and conflict resolution in the marital relationship. Few things make me feel like a complete fraud like this subject matter. I’m hardly an expert in how to communicate effectively with my husband, or even how to resolve conflict when we have a fight. I know the principles, but putting them into practice isn’t my strongest area. I have a hard time letting things go. Actually, I have a really hard time forgiving and moving on. My vivid imagination and long-lasting memory make the process all the harder. But in reality, I’ve learned that it is actually my own selfish desires that make this biblical command extremely difficult. What I’ve learned about myself in the preparation process these last few weeks is that I hold on to the bitterness and anger because I want to continue punishing my husband (and others) for the pain they have caused me. I don’t like accepting their forgiveness because I fear that acceptance means minimizing how they made me, the pinnacle of my own universe, feel.

Now do you see why I felt like a fraud? How could I teach these biblical truths accurately while I harbored so much internal resentment and pain for past hurts? How could I explain what forgiveness is if I don’t like to forgive others?

Thankfully, God’s word penetrates sinful, stubborn hearts like my own and teaches me as I teach others. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

How did God forgive us? It’s the question I asked myself and my students. And the answer is precious every time I hear it. He forgave us abundantly and completely through the atoning death of his son, Jesus. When he sees me, he doesn’t see horrible, sinful Courtney. And not because of anything I have done, but because of the perfect righteousness of my Savior. You see, God’s forgiveness of me, and you, is not because of our own good effort. It’s based on the merit of another, the good work of Jesus. This means that even the vilest of sinners can find forgiveness at the cross because his life, death, and resurrection can pay for it all. It’s that amazing.

But it’s also our basis for forgiving others. When we forgive we aren’t forgiving someone because they are great and perfect. We aren’t even saying that their sin against us doesn’t matter. We are actually saying that it matters a great deal, especially to a holy God. But he already did everything necessary to pay for that sin, and if someone is an unbeliever, he will deal with that sin one day when he judges the sins of the world.

When I fail to forgive, I am essentially saying I don’t believe that Christ’s death for your sins is sufficient. Forgiveness is trusting in the merit of another, not the merit of the one seeking forgiveness. If we based our acceptance of forgiveness on anything but the righteous work of Christ we would be left with insufficient forgiveness. Every sin must be paid for, and the Old Testament is proof that mere words, animal sacrifices, or human effort will never be enough.

So the next time you struggle, like me, with accepting another’s forgiveness remember your Savior. He accomplished everything necessary to pay for your sin and the sin done against you. And that is good news.

For All of the Valentine's Day Haters

I used to hate Valentine's Day. In fact, my disdain for the day went so far as avoiding wearing pink or red on February 14 (and I love red!). So I understand why some people really dread this day. I was a Valentine's Day hater. Sure, when I was a little kid it was fun. Everyone got a valentine and tons of candy at school. There was no coupling and no dates. And then something happened.

Hormones blossomed and Valentine's Day moved from an excuse for an elementary school party to a day of flowers, boyfriends, and the unwelcome reality that not everyone gets to celebrate with a special someone. So what did I do? I did what any self-preserving girl would do. I loathed the day. I acted like it was no big deal that I had no valentine on Valentine's Day. I even went so far as proclaiming the day as a lame excuse for people in-love to go out and buy each other presents. Who needs Valentine's Day anyway, I thought.

And now here I am all these years later. I'm wearing red (so is my husband). I'm celebrating the day in my class today. I'm buying my husband a present. And I've honestly been looking forward to this day for weeks. You could say that I'm now a proud member of the Valentine's Day celebrator club.

What happened? How did I go from hater to lover? I now have that special someone to celebrate with. But as I look back on my years of being a Valentine's Day hater I wish I had been more honest with myself. Some people legitimately hate Valentine's Day, or are indifferent to it. There is nothing wrong with that. But I wasn't one of those people. You see, deep down I really wanted to celebrate the day. I am a hopeless romantic at heart. So instead of admitting that I really wanted a husband, I settled for being a Debbie Downer, because, let's face it, it's just a whole lot easier being a cynic than letting our true feelings show. And I wish I had been so bold. Admitting that Valentine's Day was hard for me would have opened up opportunities for people to know my heart, to know my desires, and perhaps even pray alongside me for God to grant the fulfillment of those desires.

So if you are a legitimate Valentine's Day hater, that's fine. It's not for everyone. But if your hatred for the day is really a disguise for your true desires for love, be honest with yourself. There is nothing wrong with recognizing that this day, like so many other holidays, can be one of great pain and longing for single people. In an often cold and loud way, it highlights what you don't have. But there is peace and contentment in recognizing what the day does for you, rather than scorning it. God knows the deepest desires of your heart anyway, so even the greatest attempts at hiding your true feelings aren't lost on him. And honestly, hating the day won't make you feel any better. Trust me, I know.

A Woman's Influence

My husband values my opinion. When he has a big decision to make, or a serious idea weighing on his mind, he seeks my counsel. When he is working on a sermon, like he has been the last two weeks, he asks what I think about the text. There are a thousand little decisions that he makes throughout his days without talking to me about them, but when big things are on the line, we talk because he cares about what I think.

Because my husband values my opinion so much, I often think about what I say to him and how I influence him. What I say matters to him. And while he is the leader of our home and the buck ultimately stops with him, I never want to use my influence to manipulate him or influence him negatively.

I’ve been reading through Kings and Chronicles the last few weeks. Usually I’m struck by the sad commentary on the life of the kings in Israel and Judah. With the exception of a rare few, many of them turned away from God and worshipped the idols of the land. But something else stood out to me more forcefully this time.

The influence of their wives.

Solomon was the wisest king who ever lived. But as we now know, he didn’t end well. He disobeyed God’s law and married foreign women—women who drew his heart away from God. For the rest of the history of the kings of Judah and Israel, they repeatedly married women who were idol worshippers and against God and his people.

And Solomon was not alone. The first marriage was no different. In the Garden of Eden we see Eve believing the lies of Satan and dragging her husband down with her. And when God’s people begin to grow and are living among idol worshippers, he repeatedly reminded them to flee from unholy marriages—marriages that united them to the surrounding nations. Why was God so concerned about who they married? God knew the power of the marriage relationship, because he created it. The Old Testament repeatedly plays out this theme of marriages that were outside of God’s design, and therefore led to problems for his people.

Obviously, the influence of an unbelieving spouse goes both ways. So a husband could just as easily lead his wife astray. But I think women have a unique ability to influence their husbands unlike anyone else in his life.

Proverbs 31:11 says that the heart of a husband trusts in his wife. He trusts that she will do him good. He trusts in her love for him. He relies on her as his helper and companion. There is no greater bond than the marriage relationship. God knew what he was doing when he commanded Christians to marry Christians. So when we see marriages like Ahab and Jezebel in Kings, we feel the tension of her overwhelming influence over him and his complete abdication of responsibility. She used her power to influence him to love what she loved—the gods of this world.

So what does this mean for believing women? Can we still influence our husbands in ways that are not helpful? Obviously, by God’s grace we won’t be drawing their hearts away to worship idols, but we might use our power in less obvious ways.

Women can be master manipulators. We can twist a story, use emotion, use our knowledge of our husband’s weaknesses and strengths, and use his love for us to get what we want. So here are a few questions to ask ourselves:

Do we withhold information?
I know I am prone to do this. I might not “lie”, but I might keep out important details to influence my husband to do something that I want him to do.

Do we use sex?
This is fairly self-explanatory, but we can use our sexuality and bodies for our own gain, rather than giving our bodies freely to our husbands as a gift, not leverage.

Do we use the power of affirmation?
Men want to know that they are doing well. I’ve seen my husband be empowered to lead more boldly and fulfill his responsibilities with greater strength all because I’ve encouraged him in what God is already doing in his life. The flip side of this is that we can easily use the power of words for our own advantage to get what we want.

It’s easy to look at the sinful women in the Old Testament and think that this has nothing to do with us. In some senses, that’s true. They were unsaved idol worshippers, we are trusting in Christ and saved by his righteousness. But do our husbands trust us because we do them good all of our days? Or do they trust us because we have learned how to use our role as wives for our own gain?

A wife has tremendous influence in her marriage relationship. Women have been using this influence since the beginning of time. The real question is how we are using this influence. As redeemed women, bought by the blood of Christ, let us use our influence to do our husbands good all of our days.