Happy Release Day!

Today is the day! I've already birthed one baby this month, now it is time to birth another. The Accidental Feminist: Restoring Our Delight in God's Good Design releases today (actually it released yesterday, but who is counting?). After a year and a half of writing, planning, editing, more writing, and more editing, it is finally time to release the book to the masses.

Unlike Seth's arrival, I've known this due date for a while now, and it is hard to believe it's actually here. My prayer throughout the entire process was that God would use it to encourage his people and make himself known in greater measure. The prayer is still the same and I pray it for you, dear reader.

So happy release day, The Accidental Feminist. I'm glad you are here, too!

And at some point I'll write about Seth's eventful birth on May 19, but until then here is a picture of my two babies born this month.

Fear and Feminism: A better answer to our fears

Yesterday we looked at how feminism was in part a response to very real fears women faced. Today we will look at how the Bible speaks to those fears and gives us a better answer.

Sarah knew fear, right? She was taken from her homeland and family with no hope of seeing them again (Gen. 11:31). She was barren with no hope of a child (Gen. 11:30). Twice she was given over to a pagan king because her husband feared for his life (Gen. 12:10-20; 20:1-18). And that’s just what the Scriptures tell us. You could say that fear was probably an ever present reality in her life.

What marked Sarah ultimately, and maybe not always in the moment, is her hope in God. Her unwavering belief that God would do what he said, that God would deliver on his promises to her, and that God would never disappoint her. This is why Peter, in 1 Peter 3:1-6 uses her as an example for us to follow, not because she did it perfectly, but because ultimately her hope rested in God alone. We know that she didn't actually do it perfectly. In fact, like us, she gave into her fears on more than one occasion that we know of (Gen. 16; Gen. 18:9-15).

But the context of 1 Peter 3 is a rather fearful one isn’t it? Peter starts by telling women who live with a disobedient or unbelieving husband how they should conduct themselves. He exhorts them to live their lives in such a way that their husbands see the conduct of their character and are won to Christ. A disobedient or unbelieving husband would make any woman feel a little fearful over the future, or even the moment by moment complexities of her day. That is why Peter provides us with an example to follow. He presents his hearers with a woman clearly understood what it meant to live with a husband who was not always obedient to the word, and his hearers would have known that. Then he gives us the punchline, the moment of truth for Christian women threatened by our fears:

And you are her [Sarah’s] children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening (1 Pet. 3:6).

This can encourage us even today. We, too, live in a frightening world. Our sin alone can scare us to the core. But there are countless other earthly realities that threaten our faith daily. I have had two miscarriages, which I’ve talked about before on the blog. One happened while I was writing the book and it was more complicated than we anticipated. It was so difficult that it caused my husband and me to wonder if we would ever try for another baby again. It rocked us and terrified us. I’ve also never had a pregnancy without some type of complication. This one carried minimal risk for a while (it’s resolved now), but it’s still not a normal one. Pregnancy brings out all sorts of fears for me. Will I ever hold Seth? Even as we get everything ready for his arrival, I battle a lingering fear in the back of my mind, will this all be in vain? Will I be stricken with grief again? Maybe your fears are similar, maybe they are different. But the reality of living in a sin-cursed world means there is a lot to be afraid of.

I don’t know what brings out your fears. Maybe it is a husband who doesn’t lead you like he should. Maybe it is the prospect of a life of singleness. Maybe it’s infertility. Maybe it’s a move that is on the horizon. Maybe it is family member who doesn’t know Christ. Maybe you have a difficult child or a difficult job. Maybe your bank account never seems to have enough money in it. Does the thought of your children leaving for college or driving a car for the first time bring you to your knees in fear? Are you fearful over school loans you feel like you will have forever?

The list could go on.

The answer for us all is still the same: We are Sarah’s children, if we hope in God and do not fear anything that is frightening. Feminism can’t remove our fears anymore than it can give us the power and autonomy we crave. It’s all an illusion. What we really need, what stands the test of time, is hoping in the God who knows the end of our circumstances, who is over every detail of our painful, broken lives, and who has promised to always do what is good for us.

It can be frightening to submit to your husband. It can be frightening to give your life to raising children. It can be frightening to face a life of singleness or barrenness. It can be frightening to embrace your season and give up a beloved career, rather than trying to have it all. It can be frightening to go to your job every day when you are regularly left wondering if the job will be there tomorrow. It can be frightening to pour your life into your local church with the gifts God has given you. It can be frightening to love your neighbors and enter their lives. It can be frightening to open your life up to friends, roommates, and family members. Life in a broken world is fraught with risk and fear.

In all of these areas, we are giving ourselves over for the good of another, not us. That is always frightening.

Left to ourselves we should be afraid. Hedged in, protected by our loving creator, we have nothing to fear. Feminism is not the answer to our fears or our deepest longings. Hoping in the God who created us, loves us, and promises us a brighter future is.

We are Sarah's children if we trust in our all powerful, all loving, all wise, and always good God and do not fear anything that is frightening, even the fearful reality of living in a fallen world. 

*If you want more information about how feminism has influenced us as women, you can order The Accidental Feminist on Amazon. 

Fear and Feminism: There is a lot to be afraid of

At the end of this month my first book, The Accidental Feminist: Restoring Our Delight in God’s Good Design, releases. As I anticipate its release, I want to spend some time talking about what we fear. It might seem a little strange to talk about fear in the context of feminism, but I think it has everything to do with feminism’s influence in our lives and the root of feminism itself.

Feminists are strong, right? Feminists are in control of their lives? Feminists believe in girl power?

But I also think feminists (and all women) can be quite fearful.

As I say in my book, God in his good providence has given us our identity as women. He has created us. But in his wisdom he has put us in positions and places in life that can give us cause to fear. In a lot of ways he has made us physically weaker than men. Who hasn’t walked to their car in a dark parking lot with their keys out ready to jump in their car as fast as possible? We live in a scary world. He has put us in positions of submission that are designed for our good, but also make us vulnerable. I’m not saying it’s easy to submit to your husband all of the time. It’s not. Sometimes husbands don’t lead like they should. Sometimes husbands sin against us. I’m also not saying it’s easy being a woman in a sin-cursed world. It’s not. Throughout much of the world women are in very difficult, and terrifying, positions of vulnerability—and often at the hands of men. This is not a new occurrence. Women have been in fearful situations since sin entered the world.

But what feminism tried to do was empower women to rise above their circumstances in their own strength, in many ways owing to these very fears of vulnerability. We are met with similar fears today, aren’t we? We all have something to fear, and God knows that. So did countless women who have gone before us.

And in a lot of ways, fear is the great leveler isn’t it? The early feminists, had a lot to fear didn’t they? They had no real ability to protect themselves from unfaithful husbands, a government that provided them with no safety net, or their children being sent into factories. They had no real voice in society. The second wave feminists had their own set of fears, right? Left to the boredom of their house, children, and husbands, they feared losing themselves and their identity. We all fear something and we all look for answers to our fears in a number of ways. Feminism answered the fears that women faced by putting women in control of their own destiny, by making women the final authority in their lives. And it’s easy to do isn’t it? We feel like if we have some semblance of control than we can’t be hurt, we can’t be disappointed, or we can’t be given over to our fears. But, friends, this is never the answer. The answer to our fears isn’t in women’s empowerment or even in good leadership. In our sinful self-reliance, we want to believe that we can protect ourselves from our fears. But there is a better answer to our fears than feminism, self-protection, or even a society that believes in the dignity and value of women (which is a good thing!). We will look at that in my next post.

*If you are interested in learning more about how feminism has influenced us, you can order my book on Amazon.

Four Feminist Myths

The last couple of months have been filled with trying to get ready for the release of my first book, The Accidental Feminist: Restoring Our Delight in God's Good Design. It's hard to believe it's almost here (it officially releases May 31)! I had the opportunity to speak both at Southern Seminary and my church (Midtown Baptist Church) on how feminism has influenced us as women and how God provides us with a better answer than feminism. Instead of trying to retell the entire book, I focused on four feminist myths and provided their biblical counter-examples.

1. I define myself
2. I can have it all
3. A husband and children can wait
4. The teaching gifts are ultimate

If you want to hear the messages in their entirety (and know the biblical counter-examples) you can listen here and here. I also spend some time talking about how feminism in a lot of ways is a response to real fears that women face. I hope to come back to that on the blog as we get closer to the release of the book. In the meantime, if you are interested, you can pre-order the book now on Amazon or directly from Crossway.

Be a Faithful Mom, Not a Busy One

I take the twins to a story time once a week at our local library. They love it because they get to meet new toddlers and play with new toys. I like it because I get to meet other moms who are doing the same thing as me—learning this whole mom thing one toddler step at a time.

Since the twins have turned one I have struggled a lot with what I do with my time now. One year was a big milestone for us. They finally started sleeping more consistently, which meant I had a little more freedom to do other things again—like reading and writing (and sleeping). With the new time has come a whole new set of challenges, like all changes bring.

As I talked with one of the moms at story time I was struck by the frequency with which she mentioned the other things she does in addition to being a stay-at-home mom. She is thinking of opening a small business again, does small jobs on the side, and tries to keep her foot in the career world she left behind. I get the pull to do other things. In fact, I do other things, too. So I’m not knocking the other things at all. I understand that seasons of a mom’s life lend themselves to more time for such endeavors. And those can be very good opportunities for us. But as I reflected on her insistence that she has a profession outside of her child the finger turned back on my own ambitions.

How do I define myself when I speak to others?

Or to put it even more specifically, how do I want others to perceive me? Do I want them to see me as just a stay-at-home mom, or do I need something more than that?

With this new season of time the twins have afforded me I have noticed a new struggle emerging. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something. If I get to the end of a day with little tangible results for the labors of my day, I feel defeated. Did I do anything of value? Did I accomplish something important? Did I write enough? Did I clean enough? Did I work hard enough to justify my existence and worth in this family?

More often than not the answer is a resounding no, because even with the emergence of time, twins don’t always give me the time I am expecting. And I’m only human. I just can't do it all. Or even come close to doing all I want to do.

But I think the problem is deeper than simply wanting to be useful and productive. When Betty Friedan encouraged housewives to find their identity outside of the home the cultural acceptance of the stay-at-home mom was lessened. I agree with her notion that women should never find their identity in their home, husband, or children. But in a lot of ways, our culture has traded one identity for another. Maybe we don’t think a woman should be defined by her work inside the home, but we do define her by what she does outside of it. Feminism has made us all feel like we need to be doing something useful to justify our equality and personhood. Women have made great gains for us and we should be taking advantage of those opportunities.

This is true for the stay-at-home mom, too. The reality is we don’t often have tangible markers for how we spend our days, unless you count the fact that our kids are clothed, fed, and smiling when our husbands get home. But sometimes we can’t even boast in that. It’s easy to be discouraged when we can’t point to what we did with our day as the basis for our value. The truth is, sometimes we can’t even remember what we did with our day. We’ve given up a lot to be here, we think to ourselves, so we better earn our keep. I even often find myself telling Daniel all I did in a given day, with the secret hope that he will see that I worked hard. I did something useful. Like the mom at story time, I want him (and everyone else) to see that my busyness during naptime and playtime amounts to a lot of good old fashioned work.

But that is not how God views our work. As I’ve written elsewhere, a mommy’s worth is not marked by check marks on a task list, but by sacrifice and service. Those are not always results we can point to as evidently, but they are there nonetheless. But it’s also more than that, I think. In the same way that our culture values work outside of the home, it also values busyness. We think that if we are super busy than we must be doing something right. We are so important. We have so much to do. We are busy, busy, busy. But is busyness the standard for faithfulness? Is it the standard for getting things done? Is it true that the more we do the better we feel about ourselves?

I doubt it.

I’m coming to terms with some things with the extra chunks of time I get now that my children take a regular nap. It’s okay if I nap, too. It’s okay if I write and clean and do other things, but it’s not wrong to rest either. My children and husband are served more by a happy and rested mom than a mom who got her to-do list done. And I feel better for it, too.

One of the phrases I repeat to myself often is that “busyness does not equal faithfulness.” Work important. We were made for it, actually. But as a stay-at-home mom my work doesn’t always look like my work did when I sat at a desk all day, had lunch meetings, and wrote marketing plans. Sometimes it means I’m up all night with a sick little boy (and thus need a nap) and sometimes it means I’m cleaning, writing, and cooking during my free moments. As an image bearer, I was made to work. This is true. But I was also made to rest. And as a mom who struggles with wanting to find my worth more in my work (and not in my rest), I would do well to learn the balance of them both.

God Created Male and Female, and It Was Good

The first time I ever heard the word complementarian was while sitting in a pew at Bethlehem Baptist Church. I can't remember the exact moment, but I knew it was a new concept for me. My early years as a believer were spent sitting under the ministry of John Piper and the elders of Bethlehem. When I walked through those doors my first Sunday I didn't know what "sovereign" meant, let alone how important it was that I was made female and not male. But in my three formative years there I drank abundantly from the spiritual water of God's word. When I walked out of those doors for the last time as a member, I was a changed woman. 

My belief in God's good design for men and women was merely an unwatered seed, planted by my Christian mom and dad, in my early Christian days. The weekly proclamation of God's word that came out of that pulpit watered that little seed. And God made it grow.

That's why I am so thankful to have contributed to this new E-book on God's good design in creating us male and female. In the pages of this book you will find a dozen young complementarians who are committed to proclaiming God's glory in how he created us. They want you to see your purpose as an image bearer of our Creator. And they want you to find joy in your differences. 

You want to hear something even better? It's entirely FREE. That's right, free. 

If you want a fresh understanding of what it looks like to live as male or female and find joy in God's good plan, I encourage you to download this book. 

(My chapter is on my recovery from feminism)

Biblical Womanhood is Practical Theology

The women of our church recently finished a bible study on the book of James. Like the other studies we have done, this one proved fruitful in our lives and conversation. As we completed the study on Thursday night, this theme kept running through my head:

"A heart changed by Christ means a life changed by Christ."

What do I mean? James has gotten a bad rap over the years. Some have seen him as too practical. Too works focused. But as we studied this helpful book, we found rich truths and Christ-focused exhortation. We didn't hear "law." We heard "Christ." James is practical. James does deal with everyday issues that we face as Christians. Things like suffering, financial blessing or hardship, favoritism, and our speech. How many times have you wondered how the gospel of Jesus Christ applied to one of those particular issues? I know I have. The overarching theme of James is that Christians should look markedly different than the world, and nowhere is this more difficult to live out than in the myriad of issues I just mentioned. It is hard to trust Christ in the midst of suffering. It is hard to see Jesus as your treasure when the treasures of this world are piling up all around you. It is hard to control your tongue and see those around you as image bearers, not your own personal punching bags. You see where I am going with this? A changed life has implications. The life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ means something for how we go about our daily lives. We should look different.

But we need theology, you might say. We need to treasure Christ. We don't need more rules.

And I get that. I really do. Legalism is a death sentence for faith. But legalism, as I have said before, is not the same as James saying "faith without works is dead." Legalism is saying "faith is dead" and "works make you alive." James ties them both together (faith and works) to give us a better, more biblical picture. James gets that works don't save you, but he also gets that faith means something--namely that it should produce good works. It should lead to faithfulness.

So what does this have to do with biblical womanhood?

Everything.

If a life changed by Christ has implications, then it most certainly has implications for us as women. While James never touches on gender roles or manhood and womanhood, he does show us that our theology should impact our practice. Our knowledge should lead to a practical theology of living. As women, this means that our lives should look different than the world around us. How we work in our jobs should look different than the cutthroat world around us. How we treat our husbands should look different than the male-bashing world around us. How we view our children should look different than a world around us that sees children as a nuisance and expendable. How we serve our church should look different than a world that says "my glory is what matters most." How we respond to singleness should look different than a world that says your single years are for your own self-exploration and fun. Biblical womanhood is not the gospel, and you will never hear me say that. But biblical womanhood is only possible in the life of a woman who has been freed by the gospel. Biblical womanhood is theology in practice. It is believing that we are created as image bearers. It is believing that being female matters in God's economy. It is believing that our gender tells a beautiful story about our Creator.

James, like the rest of the New Testament writers, believed that our theology mattered. But he didn't stop there. And neither do they. The New Testament writers understood that theology will always lead us to fruitful living. They got that from Jesus, who told us that if we abide in him, we will bear fruit (John 15:1-11). As we grow in godliness we will grow in how we look to a watching world. We should increasingly look different as we abide in the One who looked so different they killed him.

I don't teach and study what it means to be a woman simply for biblical womanhood's sake. I do so because I believe that a changed life means something, and nowhere do we see that in more stark contrast with the world than in our understanding of men and women.

Why I Will Keep Talking About Biblical Womanhood

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching an interview with music artist, Pharrell. Known for his musical genius, he again was in the news with the launch of his newest album, GIRL. I have not heard the album, so I can’t speak to its content. But his comments about the album struck me more than anything else. When asked why he felt the need to do an entire album devoted solely to women, he remarked that he loves women. Women are valuable. Women are great. And the fact that women face so much inequality in the world, he felt it was the least he could do. I get that. I was tracking with him there. But he went on. He talked about pay inequity and limits on their ability to choose what they want to do with their own bodies. He even put his crusade for women in the same category as gay and lesbian rights. He essentially said that in 2014 America, we have no right to tell people how they should live or who they should love, and women get the worst of it in his opinion.

As I listened to his rant about equality and freedom, I kept thinking that he spoke with such authority. No one else can be his authority, or your authority, but even in his cry for independence he was speaking as one with authority. I was struck by how we really are doing what is right in our own eyes in 2014 America. No one has the right to tell us how to live. No one has the right to say anything is absolutely true. Your truth is your truth and my truth is my truth.

And that is why I won’t stop talking about biblical womanhood. Why, you say? What does Pharrell have to do with biblical womanhood? Because as long as the culture feeds us an image of women that is contrary to God’s word, I will keep talking about biblical womanhood. As long as little boys and girls grow up thinking that it doesn’t matter if you are a boy or a girl, I will keep talking about biblical womanhood. As long as women (young and old) continue to believe that sex and flaunting their body is what makes them valuable and attractive, I will keep talking about biblical womanhood. As long as we continue to think that equality as image bearers means sameness of roles, I will keep talking about biblical womanhood.

Because at the end of the day it’s not about biblical womanhood at all. It is about the authority of God’s word. Do we believe it to be true? Do we believe God has really spoken and we can take him at his word? Or do we need a new interpretation or a new vision for a new day? We can’t move on from God’s word. We can’t graduate to something more compelling or culturally relevant. I have heard it said that women need theology, not more teaching on gender roles. I get that. I really do. Women need theology, that is absolutely certain. And more of it. But understanding how God wants us to live in this broken, sin-cursed world is theology in practice. It’s the theological legs to a body and head filled with knowledge. Biblical womanhood is theology in practice.

It really isn’t a new notion to ask the question, “who has the authority to tell us how to live?” We’ve been asking it since our first parents believed those very words breathed out by the Enemy. The cultural questioning of authority is really a questioning of God’s authority, asking if God can really be trusted.

So I will not pack up and go home on the biblical womanhood front. I know a lot of good friends who aren’t willing to do so either. We are here for the long haul. It’s not because I like a good fight. It’s not because I want to enter into endless debates about the meaning of headship. I really don’t. It is precisely because the world around us is telling a story about womanhood that is contrary to God’s word. And we know a better way forward. Every day we encounter women who are broken and battered by a world that is telling them lies about what it means to be a woman, and we know the Great Physician who not only can heal them of their sins, but also show them why they were created in the first place. Every day we hear lies about God’s image and his rightful authority over his creation, and we know the truth. These aren’t silly arguments that evangelicals like to get into. They are eternal matters that tell a story about our creator, God.

Pharrell is right. Women are good for society. But it is precisely because they bear the image of the One who created them that they bring value to this world. Women have value because they image Another. They point to God and his glory displayed in his creation. And that, my friends, is why womanhood matters. 

A New Year of Projects

I waited a little bit to announce this because I wanted to get my bearings about it all before I started spreading the news. We had a whirlwind of a Fall and holiday season, so the excitement about what our future holds just got swept up in the excitement of buying a house, moving, and traveling for Christmas. But here we are. It is January and the reality is starting to set in that this is really happening.

So what is it?

I am writing a book!

In June of last year (2013) I was contacted, much to my surprise, by a literary agent. At the time I was in the thick of little babies and sleepless nights, so while I shared my ideas for a book project with him, I didn't think much of it. In August, he contacted me again and said that his team would like to work with me to get this book published. To make a long, drawn out story short, in November I signed with Crossway. And so began this crazy journey.

The truth is, this book has been on my heart for a long time. It all began with an article I wrote six and a half years ago on recovering from feminism. Over these years, the Lord has brought people along my path who have encouraged me to turn the idea of the article into a book. So little by little I plugged along at a proposal, always thinking that this was a very distant future project, not a right now one. God had other plans and we couldn't be more excited. I say "we" because this is definitely a family project. Daniel has been so very supportive and encouraging of my writing and we are looking forward to seeing what God does through this little endeavor.

So call me crazy, but that is what our 2014 holds. The manuscript is due June 1, so I better get to writing! My prayer for this book is that God would use it to encourage many women to see that God's plan for womanhood is for them, regardless of their station, season, or position in life. He had a good purpose when he created us as female. And I am looking forward to discovering the beauty of his design with those who read.

And if you think about it, you can pray for me. I have a lot of work to do!

I Want it All

There has been a lot of talk lately about whether or not women can have it all, and by all people usually mean work full time as a mother. But all this talk about what a woman can or cannot do in her various seasons of life can be applied to any age, any marital status, and any amount of children in the home. A recent Forbes article states that young women today don’t feel as inclined towards leadership because of fear of failure. They have been told their entire lives that they can have it all, and unfortunately they have heard that they must be it all. The author says:

 

 

“The recent debate over ‘having it all’ underscores the pressure women put themselves under to perfectly excel in all conceivable areas of our lives.”

I’m sure we can all relate at some level.

We see a woman work a forty-hour work week, serve her church with gusto, and still get a decent meal on the table nearly every night, and then feel like a failure when we burst into tears just trying to boil water at the end of a full day of work. “If she can do it all, why can’t I?” we wonder silently. So we work harder. Try to do more.

Or maybe you have kids, and you see a mom whose kids are always clean, always happy, and always eating the healthiest food. Yet you consider getting a shower before 3pm a tremendous accomplishment in the midst of your busy days with toddlers. Are you doing enough?

To make it more personal (at least for me), you see a writer who can crank out multiple life-changing articles a week, while you are still struggling to finish the one that’s due tomorrow. Why can’t you do more for the kingdom?

The real issue is not so much about doing it all, as it is about being faithful with what is in front of you. A lot could be said about the wisdom of trying to be all things to all people, but that is another post for another day. More than anything, this pressure to have it all and still have a smile on your face at the end of the day is often self-made pressure rooted in unhelpful comparison.

One thing that has taken me a long time to figure out is that all of us have limitations and thresholds. They vary from person to person, and even from season to season, but they are there. There are things that I cannot do if I have too much on my plate. To some people, I might look like I am doing it all. To others I might look like a complete failure. The point is that we are all called to faithfulness with what we have been given. God has created some people with remarkable energy levels. They can accomplish a lot in a day. You probably know some of them. But he has also created some with lesser energy levels. Both types of people are useful in God’s economy. He has created some people with an incredible capacity for efficiency in a short period of time. Yet others take longer to complete a task. Both are fruitful people in their season and capacity level.

The demands of “having it all” that we place on ourselves as women are not simply relegated to the feminist conversations or the corporate boardrooms. They are warring in our own soul every day when we see the tasks set before us.

The only hope for us in the vicious quest to have it all is to recognize that we cannot have it all, not even in the slightest. There will always be more things to do, more meals to make, more square feet to clean, more articles to write, more business deals to make, and the list could go on. The only one who ever gets his to-do list done is God. And the only one who ever perfectly completed every task every set before him on this earth is his son, Jesus. And you know what? He is sitting down now. Which means we can, too. Jesus ensures that our endless pursuit of the next thing does not have to be our destiny. Jesus ensures that our striving to have it all does not have to rule us. And he ensures that our sinful comparison of our life to the woman standing next to us will have no dominion over us.

When we face another day of not being able to have all we wish for, we must look to Jesus. He did it all for us, so we don’t have to be a slave to our work, whatever that work might be. We can live each day in freedom, knowing that God is well pleased with us because he is well pleased with his son, Jesus. We can do our work with joy, and not anxiety, because we know that our ultimate fulfillment is found not in the praise of men but the praise of God.

Women can’t really have it all, any more than men can. It’s all an illusion. Only one person has ever had it all, and he gives it freely to us if we simply rest in him.

What a Girl Wants (and How She Can Get It): Part 3

A Girl’s Responsibility

Even with the most comprehensive and put together discipleship program girls today have a responsibility to act rightly. Women, and girls, have tremendous power at their fingertips. While most young women would say that they want a man to lead, provide, and protect them, many of them settle for far less than God’s ideal for a godly man. As John Ensor so helpfully says in his book, Doing ThingsRight in Matters of the Heart:

“Sisters, abstaining from sexual immorality is, for you, too, a matter of submitting to God and his commands. But it is more. It is God’s “Mature Manhood Test Kit” for women. The immature, self-centered, ungodly man will test negative in a matter of weeks. The deceitful and cunning predator will test negative in a matter of days. Men willing to wait, and wanting to wait, will test positive. It is not a lack of sexual interest; it is a healthy fear of God. It is love, which at this point rightfully expresses itself as protection from sin and shame. If he weakens, help him succeed. If all else goes well in the development of the relationship, you know you are marrying a godly man, one who has self-control and a clear sense of his calling as a man.”

To put it simply, girls can encourage men to be men. They can test them by their willingness to wait to fulfill their sexual desires until marriage. It is not normal for boys to expect sex and get it outside of marriage, at least not in God’s economy. Yet, so many of them think this is the case. As we disciple them and walk them through God’s design for them as women they will learn that they have tremendous power to either encourage men to act honorably or dishonorably. And something happens when we help girls do this—the bad boys move on.

I find great encouragement in the fact that young women today want to marry well and live as godly women. But we have to go further than the desire. The Evil One wants nothing more than for them to abandon God’s design and follow the culture. And the cultural onslaught against womanhood is just as bad. By God’s grace our churches can, and should be, places where young girls can grow in godliness and their desire for marriage and family, and be protected from the boys who will keep them from these matrimonial dreams becoming a reality.

This post is the third post in a two part series. Read Part 1 and Part 2

What a Girl Wants (and How She Can Get It): Part 1

It’s the stuff little girls dream of. What begins as a childhood fascination with princesses, dress-up clothes, and mock weddings, grows into a teenage obsession with wedding magazines, boys, and dreams of matrimonial bliss. Most girls, pre-pubescent and teenage, think about getting married. They flock to romantic movies, swoon over the male lead pursuing the woman perfectly, and then hope and wish that the same thing might happen to them someday. Regardless of what the feminists say about girl power and all, most teenage girls (especially Christian ones) still want marriage and family. But then again, there is also a disconnect somewhere.

Just a quick glance at the statistics regarding teenage sexual activity shows that while girls might want marriage, they aren’t really following the typical path that will get them there—or at least to a happily ever after. Girls might want marriage, but they sure don’t act like it. They hook-up with boys, but then are surprised when they don’t treat them with the respect, honor and pursuit that they see in romantic comedies. And as they get older they grow desensitized, bitter, and cynical to all things male and matrimonial. They start with a fairytale and end with a 30-year-old boy playing video games and drinking beer in their one bedroom apartment. What happened to the house, dual-income, and 2.5 kids they always dreamed about? What happened to the happy ending?

Unfortunately, the joke is on them.

As I’ve taught and discipled girls, gone through my twenties, lived and learned a little, and am now married to a wonderful, godly man I’ve noticed a common pattern with girls these days. They want the happy ending; they just go about it all wrong. They embrace the cultural milieu of hooking-up and no commitment and are surprised when it doesn’t feel as good as was promised. As Christians, we have a distinct and hopeful answer to the girls and women who buy into this thinking. And as much as we would like to think that our abstinence pledges and True Love Waits rallies are setting us apart, they aren’t. In order to embrace a biblical model of womanhood (and manhood) Christian teenagers and young adults will need to be swimming upstream in a muddy, swampy mess of ambient culture. For most of them, they need a complete reorientation of their understanding of what it means to be a woman.

What’s the Church to Do?

All of the writing, speaking, debating, and press regarding biblical womanhood the last decade or so could easily make us all think that the battle has been waged and won. But a quick survey of the modern evangelical landscape shows us that our work is far from over. While there are excellent resources out there, and many places are doing it well, most of our churches are still left lacking. And the local church is where it must be taught. A lot of our teenagers are still dating and pairing off like the world, all the while hoping that they will one day marry like their pastor and his wife. We must have a robust theology of womanhood, coupled with a safe haven for girls to talk, question, and learn about how God has created them to be, all within the context of God's ordained means of spreading his glory in this world--the local church. Everything they are bombarded with on a daily basis is contrary to God’s design. From entertainment to friendship, young girls today need a complete overhaul of teaching on biblical womanhood. Feminism is at the very core of our being, and now that it is a culturally accepted doctrine, it will win if we don’t counter it with the truths of Scripture.

Our churches must be the first place girls can go to learn about God’s design for them. We cannot simply expect that they will learn womanhood by default. They won’t. And this is where the Bible comes into play.

To be continued...

The Victoria Secret Fashion Show and Christians

I’ve never seen the Victoria Secret Fashion Show, and I don’t intend to start making it a yearly ritual. But my choice is irrelevant considering millions tuned in last week to watch the annual show boasting big name entertainment and barely clothed models. Some find it repulsive and demeaning to women. But mostly, the wider culture embraces the message and gladly joins in on this party.

So why am I writing about this? The Victoria Secret Fashion Show has very little do with Christian women, right? Yes and no. While it might seem like the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is tailor-made to appeal to the interests of men, I’m surprised (and discouraged) to not only see that there are women who like it, but Christian women. And that is a troubling trend.

The issue with it isn’t so much lingerie and underwear. Nearly every major department store sells those. The issue isn’t even really about Victoria Secret as a store, even though their marketing demographic seems to be getting younger and younger. Victoria Secret makes their money selling sexy. Every ad, every fashion show, and every picture displaying their apparel promises one thing to the woman (or man) looking to purchase—buy their stuff and you won’t just feel sexy, you will be sexy. There is no problem in feeling sexy, if you are married and if the person you want to feel sexy for is your husband. But if you are 15—or even 20—and not married the last thing you should feel right now is sexy.

So, no, the problem with the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is not necessarily the lingerie. It’s that they have taken something that God intended to be private and made it into a marketing and entertainment masterpiece—and we have believed their lies along the way.

For the Christian woman who chooses to watch the Victoria Secret Fashion Show it might not seem like that big of a deal. If you are single, you might like their product and want to see new apparel, or you might just like the entertainment aspect of it. Or even more dangerous, you might secretly like the way the show makes you feel—like a woman who can be just as sexy as the models on the screen. If you are married, you might watch because you want ideas of what to buy, or you might like the way it makes you feel as well. You might secretly wish you could be as uninhibited as those models, or wish that you were gawked at by millions of men and women who praise your body. Just because you are a woman, does not mean that watching other women parade around in their underwear is a normal or acceptable practice. We must be careful to guard our hearts and our minds from not just images, but also messages that tell lies about God’s created design for us.

When we don’t, we buy into the ambient culture’s message that sex and sexuality is for public consumption, not the privacy of the marital bedroom. Even if you are married, you have no business joining in the party that makes sex entertainment. The message of the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is that anyone can be sexy enough to be lusted after, if you just buy their products.

So if you are tempted to tune in every year to watch the Victoria Secret Fashion Show, or things like it. Or if you just think it’s harmless, think again. The message that a woman’s body is for everyone to look at is not a harmless message. It’s a deadly one. And as Christian women, our hearts should grieve that our culture has adopted such a perilous philosophy on sexuality, rather than revel in it and join the party.

What Jesus Does for Women

Often when someone is arguing for the ordination of women he or she will turn to Jesus as the model for how women are to be viewed in today’s society. They see the number of women who were mentioned as followers of him, or even the fact that he included women at all, as biblical evidence for no gender distinctions for clergy. And if we believe that our Bible is true (and I do), we can’t deny the fact that women were the first witnesses to his resurrection (Matt. 28:1-10; Mark 16:1-8; Luke 24:1-12; John 20:1-18). All of the Gospels talk about the women who were around Jesus, but Luke includes more accounts of women than any of the other Gospels. But does Jesus’ seeming endorsement of women present a clear directive for our churches today?

Yes and no.

Jesus healed women. Jesus engaged women in conversation. Jesus taught women. Jesus was served by women. Women were the first witnesses to his resurrection and given the directive to go and tell his disciples that he had risen. And while some would see Jesus’ interaction with women as a stamp of approval on the ordination of women today, I think there is something far deeper happening here.

In Galatians 3:28 Paul says:

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

Some have said that Paul, similar to Jesus with women, is saying that gender is no longer a barrier to giftedness or service in the church. For them, Paul is saying that gender is not the defining identity of your life, Christ is. This identity now frees you to minister and serve according to your gifting. But rather than establishing a new order for the way God created gender, or eradicating gender distinctions, Paul is showing us that Christ’s salvation is for all people—regardless of gender or ethnicity. Paul is simply building on the foundation laid by Jesus when he welcomed sinners, prostitutes, women, diseased, Gentile, and broken people to come and drink from his abundant streams of mercy.

In addition, Jesus’ treatment of women wasn’t implying that gender is not important, women should be pastors, or that either gender is superior to the other. But he was doing something profound for women (and for men). Mark Dever says that part of Jesus’ “manliness” was expressed in his concern for the vulnerable, namely women and children (The Message of the New Testament: Promises Kept, 88). In his day women were viewed as less than men. Women did not have a voice in many things. A woman’s testimony was not as strong as a man’s. But Luke’s Gospel gives attention to Jesus’ great concern for women and their plight. This is a profound statement considering the culture he was writing to.

Jesus’ dealing with women was radical in his day, but not in the way we so often think. His care for women was radical not because it was so new, but because it was so old. Jesus went to women with a Father-like heart that viewed them as bearers of the divine image. And we could expect no less from our Sovereign King because he was there when they (and we) were formed (Jer. 1:5; Ps. 139). Jesus was doing far more for women in his life on this earth than simply opening up new ministry opportunities. If Jesus wanted to change a structure he instituted in the Garden he would have told us. But he didn’t. Instead he did something greater. His life, death, and resurrection restored what was lost in gender, families, relationships, and more importantly, in our own souls.

The Way to a Man's Heart...

It’s been said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. While it is true that my husband loves my cooking, I’m not sure that my home cooking is what won his heart in the end. But who knows, maybe it did! Last week the Today Show featured a story about a book written by a Glamour Magazine editor on foods every woman must know how to prepare. There is even a recipe for the woman who is tired of waiting on her man to commit—it’s called Engagement Chicken. This supposedly tried and true recipe has worked for a number of women who are desperate for a proposal.

Glamour, a bastion of raunch culture and independent womanhood, has now given us recipes that are destined to do the very thing many feminists despise—tie women down. Sure, something like this is to be expected from Martha Stewart Living and even Rachael Ray. But Glamour? Glamour prizes hyper-sexuality and no-strings attached relationships. But it also brings to light to insights into the feminine psyche.

Women deeply desire to be in a committed relationship. No amount of third-wave of feminism will remove this God-given desire. Our culture has tried to sell the lie that marriage is a mere societal construct, not anything of deep value. People can take or leave the institution; it is love that matters, right? Wrong. Deep down women don’t really want a man who just tells them he loves them all their days while their left ring finger stays empty. They want commitment. They want protection. They want a lifetime. Even Glamour Magazine thinks so.

Making a home for a family through cooking is an innate desire. Some women have it stronger than others. And it looks different in every life, whether single or married. But there are no men’s magazines telling men to woo women by cooking them their favorite meal. While men aren’t won through their hunger pains and appetites, feeding them a hearty meal sure does make them feel loved and cared for.

Obviously, this looks differently in every person’s life. Regardless of what wins a man in the end the fact that Glamour has weighed in on the problem of the never-ending dating relationship is saying something. No amount of flaunting sexuality and living together will satisfy the deep-seated longing in the hearts of most women. Glamour gets it, even if faintly. Marriage matters and there can be no substitute for it.

You can view the Today segment video here.

Does Modesty Put a Price on Sex?

You don’t have to look very far to notice that morality isn’t high on our culture’s acceptable behaviors list. In fact, anymore it is assumed that if a guy and girl like each other they will soon bed each other. They don’t even have to always like each other. Modesty and chastity are not sought after qualities in our society.

According to Wendy Shalit, author of the book A Return to Modesty: Rediscovering the Lost Virtue, the loss of modesty in our society has created men who feel no need to work hard for women. It used to be that men felt obligated to respect and honor women personally and sexually.

Shalit says, “How can we expect men to be honorable when a large number of women consistently send them the message that they don’t have to be?” She goes on to ask “What if all women expected a lot from men? What if all women were faithful and expected men to be faithful ? Then treating a woman well wouldn’t be some ensnaring ‘net,’ it would be the state of affairs. If you didn’t act honorably, you simply couldn’t get any women. Sorry, no women for you.”

But that is not the case anymore. Slate Magazine reported last week that while women seem to still hold the “sexual purse strings” they don’t charge that much for it anymore. The price for sex in today’s economy is very low.

According to Slate, that maybe shouldn’t be the case. Women now hold the majority on most college campuses, while the men their age are back at their parents’ homes playing video games. Young women are more likely to be successful in the job market then young men. There is now a great gender disparity in all of the venues where women would typically meet that special someone. And Slate says that where women outnumber men, men now have the upper hand. A man can fail in class, fail at work, and even fail in relationships, and yet can be assured that he will most likely still find sex from willing women. Women have lowered their expectations and men consistently meet the minimum requirements. So women are now left with two choices: stay single and chaste, or take your chances on a guy who won’t work for your affection.

For today’s modern woman, the choice to them seems fairly obvious.

The feminist movement has birthed a generation of women ready and willing to take up the task of earning a college degree and working in the business world. What it has also done is made some men less ambitious and thus less likely to go to school or work to provide for a family or future family. But what it hasn’t done is change the rules regarding sexual behavior. If anything, according to Slate, it has made sex more easily attainable for lustful men. Women now are acting like “men” throwing off sexual restraints. But they aren’t acting too picky about who they choose as a partner. Men don’t have to work for women anymore because the women are just offering it to them—at no cost.

Shalit would conclude that the answer is more modesty. If women simply chose a chaste life men would work harder for them and women would be happier. But is that really the final answer?
There is more to this story than simply encouraging chaste behavior among young women. God created us for pleasure, most certainly. But he created us for pleasure with one person only, in marriage. And more than that, he created men with an innate desire to pursue a woman and work for her affection, and as much as women fight it, deep down they know he created them to receive it. Why else would there be so many romantic movies depicting this very thing (albeit skewed)? Hollywood has picked up on something that draws women—the pursuit. The gender disparity reveals something more troubling in our culture.

The Slate article highlights a deep void in our society. Men and women are living outside of the way God created them to be. This manifests itself in numerous ways, but the conclusion remains. No amount of ambition on the part of men or chasteness on the part of women will change the deep need in their souls—the need for Christ.

Sure our culture needs more modesty and restraint. But modesty and restraint without Jesus is mere willpower that will not save in the end. When Jesus approached the woman at the well he didn’t just tell her to go and live a chaste life and stop sinning sexually. He knew that wouldn’t save her ultimately. Rather he told her to go and sin no more because her sins had been forgiven (John 4:1-26).

Articles like this are helpful in understanding our culture. These are the people we rub shoulders with every day. Hurting, confused, and lost people, desperate for the living water that will quench the deep thirst in their souls.

Thoughts on Secretariat: What it Means to Be a Woman

Daniel and I went to see the new movie Secretariat yesterday. After seeing the previews for weeks, we were really anticipating this weekend’s release of the movie. And it did not disappoint. Even though we knew the outcome of the story, we still were on the edge of our seats with each horse race. The character development was compelling and the acting was pretty good too. Overall it was a clean movie and worth our time. We would see it again.

However, like all movies, there were some themes to deconstruct as we drove home from the theater. The most obvious for us were the choices of the main character Penny Chenery Tweedy. Granted, I do not know her personally, nor do I know all of the details of this story. So I tread lightly and only with the limited information provided to me by Hollywood. The movie begins with Mrs. Tweedy and her family. She is a wife, mother of four children, and she works in the home—or as they call her in the movie, she is a housewife. That’s not an uncommon profession for late 1960’s America.

In the aftermath of her mother’s death, and in an effort to preserve her father’s legacy, she decides to take over the family horse farm, and specifically help train a horse for racing. This poses a problem. Her family lives in Denver, Colorado. Her parents live in Virginia. Her husband, who is portrayed as a downer to her efforts to save her parent’s legacy, wants her home. He tells her that her family needs her, but she tells him that this is something she needs to do. As the movie progresses we learn that she gave up a career to raise children. This, in her mind, seems to be her chance to make something of herself. To branch out on her own and live her dream. Because of this tension in her own life (family versus dreams) there is conflict between her and her husband throughout the entire movie.

Horse racing was a man's world during this time. But she worked hard to make a name for herself as a woman who knew what she was doing. At the end of the movie, after her horse has made it farther than anyone but her thought, her husband comes to her and essentially said, “you have taught our daughters what it means to be a woman.”

It’s a striking statement. But notice the time period of the movie. Secretariat won the Triple Crown in 1973. The Vietnam War was underway. And the women’s rights movement was going mainstream. Betty Friedan’s book The Feminine Mystique was published ten years prior in 1963, asserting that women who were housewives were unfulfilled and trapped. In 1972, Gloria Steinem started Ms. Magazine. Nowhere does the movie imply that Mrs. Tweedy adheres to feminist thinking, but it is interesting that her transformation comes in a time where women across America were attempting to burst out of the supposed drudgery of caring for a family and home.

Her story is not unlike so many stories of women in that time period, and even now. The prevailing thinking being that ultimate fulfillment is in doing what is best for me individually—living my dream. I have heard people say that times are changing again. Instead of wives and mothers wanting to seek fulfillment outside of the home, young moms of my generation are now rebelling against what their mothers did. All this liberation and freedom rhetoric didn’t deliver and they want out. But is it enough to simply rebel against what generations previous did, even if it means more women are staying home?

There has to be something more. Simply rebelling against the radical feminism of past generations will not be enough to sustain us when the culture shifts in fifty years. We shouldn’t want to go back to the days of June Cleaver. We need to go back even farther, to a Garden in the Middle East, when God made Eve and called her a suitable helper for her husband. Without that framework for our marriages and families we will not be able to stand against the culture.

None of this makes sense without the Gospel. Jesus Christ’s work in the life of a woman changes her desires. Without Christ we want to seek our own way. We want to find fulfillment in things that will make much of ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t have interests or dreams. Those are good and right things. But once we are in Christ those dreams align with his mission and his purpose for us, and his glory in the world, not ours. Christ’s work in our lives frees us to live with reckless abandon for our husbands, children, friends, and family.

It is certainly true that Mrs. Tweedy by her actions taught her daughters something about being a woman. But if we want God’s good design for women to be proclaimed in our world we need to do more than just teach by our actions. We need to embrace the command in Titus 2:3-5 and teach and train specific things of God, not for our own glory, but for the fame of God’s great name.

A Girl and Her Gun

With the advertising of new shows all around us, September and October are pretty good months for checking the temperature of the culture. Networks provide us with a glimpse into the lives of America—or at least their interpretation of American lives.

Last year brought us Modern Family, a show about three families, with the most seemingly stable family being the homosexual couple and their adopted daughter. In years past we have seen a heterosexual woman and homosexual man living together, and the list could go on. One thing is sure, the advent of the fall season will most certainly include gratuitous sex and the pushing of the envelope.

This year, it’s the girl and her gun. At least the Wall Street Journal sees it that way. They posted an article a month ago titled “On TV, a Girl’s Best Friend is Her Gun.” The subtitle of the article is “What Do Women Want on TV? Producers say: Blood and Action.” The point of the article is that women seem to want to see the violence and fighting that tend to be stereotypical of male viewers. But even more than that, they want to see their own sex engage in the violence as well.

The female heroine is nothing new. From Charlie’s Angels to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, we have grown accustomed to having women fight evil forces. But maybe the plethora of shows featuring the tough, female protagonist is saying something about what women expect now. The WSJ article sheds some insight, commenting on how women surveyed view the role of men in these new shows:

“They also (the women studied) thought men had gotten wimpier and associated the opposite sex with the bumbling losers played by Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen in recent romantic comedies.”

Women don’t just want Jack Bauer, they want to be Jack Bauer. Gone are the days where the man saved the day, at least in the minds of the women who were studied. It’s a woman’s world now—and she can protect herself and the rest of us.

While none of the women studied blatantly claim feminism—most would probably say they are one. In their minds, it seems only natural that women take up the mantel to fight the evil of this world. If men can, they can too.

It’s not fundamentally wrong for a woman to shoot a gun (I have). Nor is it fundamentally wrong for a woman to own a gun (I have friends who do). But what these shows are saying is that women are now just as much defender and protector as men are, if not more so.

The issue isn’t who should be the most violent. Neither should desire violence. The upcoming fall season is saying something about who women think they are and how they define themselves. They don’t need a man to protect them against the evil forces of this world. They can and will protect themselves—and look pretty while doing it.

The world would have us believe that these things don’t matter, that the fact that women are now portrayed to be just as tough as men is an advancement. But is it?

This is never what God designed. Godly women know when to defend and protect. They understand that there are circumstances that call them to defend those that cannot defend themselves (the unborn, children, and the disabled) and also defend women who are in crisis situations (abuse). But they also know when to lean on the leadership and protection of men. Male protection and provision is not a cultural construct. It was instituted by God. When we deviate from this, problems will inevitable result, as we saw in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve both abdicated their responsibilities.

A girl with a gun might get ratings. And according to the Wall Street Journal, that is a likely possibility. In the end it won’t really keep her safe from the greatest enemy of all—the one waging war against her own soul.

(This blog post is part of a contest to win 2 free conference passes to True Woman in Ft. Worth, Texas. If you would like to enter this contest, go here.)

Opting Out of Motherhood

Every so often an expert will show up on national television talking about the growing changes in cultural norms regarding motherhood and marriage. So it was no real surprise when I caught this segment on CBS’ Early Show last Saturday morning. The expert was a marriage, family, and child therapist, and she was brought in to discuss the growing fact that one in five women of childbearing age are now opting not to have children.

Women are happier now because they have choices, or so the experts say. She said that it used to be that women felt cultural pressure to have children—now the culture has changed. Because of this shift in cultural expectations, women now have the right to say that motherhood is not for them. Many modern feminists would say that the very fact that women now have the “option” not to bear children means we have made significant strides in the cause of women’s rights. But have we? And what does this means for Christian women? The trends are not too far off in the Christian world either, as Christian women are also choosing to delay children well into their 30’s.

The real issue is not simply that women have the option to earn an income or hold a good job. Those things aren’t inherently wrong. Deep down the root behind all of this is that women now have the ability to do what they want, and they like it. And for many women, motherhood is not something they want.

Part of the reason that motherhood seems so second rate is because motherhood at its very core calls you to give up your right to freedom and “choices.” Your life is no longer your own. And that’s the beauty of it. Maybe wiping a snotty nose or investing in our child means we don’t get to do all that we wanted to do on any given day. But it certainly means we have the blessed opportunity to pour life into a soul that will one day stand before King Jesus.

The desire for “options” really isn’t all that new. It began a long time ago, in the Garden of Eden, when Eve “chose” the seemingly more glorious option than the one God had lovingly given to her. Maybe choosing motherhood means we have fewer choices. Maybe it does. But, maybe, just maybe it also means that by choosing this wonderful task we are embarking on a journey that will provide us more freedom and happiness then we ever dared dream. Now surely that is better than a corner office.

(I also have some thoughts on what it means to have an inclusive approach to motherhood and nurturing life that grafts single women into the call to be mothers. More on that later…)

The Way of the Wise: A Review of Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild

If we were asked to think of a “wild woman” a person or type of person would typically quickly come to mind. We can all think of her right? She is usually the girl we don’t hang out with, because of her bad reputation. She is the girl flirting with the boys in school, or the girl buying the bikini at the mall, or the girl at the clubs and bars every weekend night. But she certainly isn’t in our homes or churches. She couldn’t be, could she?

What if when we thought about who described the wild woman we looked in the mirror for a change. That is exactly what Mary Kassian does in her book, Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild. She holds up the mirror of God’s Word and shows us that all of us are the wild woman at heart, and we need a new heart to make us into the wise woman that God calls us to be.

She begins the book by combating pride immediately. There are two types of readers of this book, those who already know they are wild and want help, and those who think they are wise and need to understand that they aren’t. Kassian shows us that all of us are “Girls-Gone-Wild” and we need to be changed.

One of the things that I have always appreciated about Kassian’s teaching and writing is that it is saturated with Scripture. She knows her Bible and it shows. The entire book is a contrast between the “Wild Woman” of Proverbs 7 and the “Wise Woman” that Proverbs so often speaks of.

The book is definitely worth reading for multiple reasons, but there are three things that stood out to me as I read this book.

To be a wise woman means getting a new heart. Kassian says that, “A woman who attends to her heart will attend to her ways.” For Kassian, the entire book is built on this premise—the heart reveals our treasure and our desires. She shows that if a woman’s heart is captured by Jesus, then she will walk according to his ways. If her heart is captured by the world and its pull, then she will walk in the ways of the world. According to Kassian (and I think rightly), the heart must be transformed first before any of the following points about wise living can be fulfilled.

To be a wise woman means understanding what God says about womanhood. This isn’t the entire point of the book, but it’s where Kassian is going ultimately. Kassian is decidedly complementarian in this book and in everything else she writes. Feminism’s lure has been at us since the Garden, and to be a wise woman means to understand how God created you to be. She takes us through the entire biblical history of gender starting with creation. Understanding gender, she asserts, helps us know how to live. The wise woman understands that God created her with boundaries, and these are good and wise limitations.

She says: “The fact that woman was created within boundaries of a household also implies that women are to have a unique responsibility in the home. This is consistent with the idea that a woman metaphorically keeps her feet (and heart) centered in the home, rather than outside it. For the woman, nurturing her relationships and keeping her household in order takes priority over other types of work.” (133).

To be a wise woman means to be countercultural. From boundaries, to entitlement, to dating, to sex, to honesty, to our tongue, to our view of possessions, to dependability living wisely according to God’s standards means we look a lot different than the world. We go against the grain. Every chapter is filled with the cultural norm countered with the biblical mandate. In the chapter on sexual conduct she shows us how God designed sex for our good within the confines of marriage. She says, “The problem is not that we value sex too much—but that we don’t value it enough” (136). We settle for lust and seduction rather than the true beauty of marital sexual fidelity. And so often we settle for a big list of “don’ts” instead of understanding the “why not” behind it. As Kassian says, marital sex displays God’s glory. Anything outside of these parameters brings dishonor on the Gospel.

It’s hard to fully convey the value I think this book has for women of every age. We are so easily pulled by the world, and often we don’t even realize our tendency towards wildness. Kassian is a breath of fresh air in a polluted and filthy environment that we find ourselves in.

She ends with a powerful admonition: “will you join the quiet counterrevolution of women who are committed to living according to God’s design?” It’s a hard task, but not an impossible one. God is big enough to change our hearts and lead us in the movement. Imagine what could happen if women across our churches read this book and asked God to chisel away the Wild Woman in them and begin making them into the Wise Woman. Let’s begin praying that God would be pleased to make it happen.