The Long Goodbye

I’ve always been pretty sentimental about things. My earliest memory of my sentimentality is crying outside my elementary school on the last day of fifth grade. I hate goodbyes. I hate when good things end. I don’t even really like change. So much so that I’m content to eat the same thing for lunch every day for weeks on end. I like the way things are to stay that way, for a very long time.

This is why motherhood is often so hard for me. Nothing stays the same for very long. In fact, the only constant about parenting children is that it’s constantly changing. A newborn baby quickly becomes an infant. An infant moves into toddlerhood before you have time to catch your breath from just having had an infant. Toddlerhood leads to school age. Elementary school leads to teenagers. Teenage years lead to college, which means they are gone. And now I’m already crying over something that’s at least sixteen years away.

I’ve been feeling this coming change acutely as we prepare for the arrival of our third son in just a matter of weeks. I never had a chance to really prepare for anything with the twins since they came so early, so this time around I’ve been a lot more introspective (with all the extra time to prepare). With each passing week I’m more aware of how the new normal of our life these last two years is about to give way to a whole new normal, one I’ve never done before. I’ve never had three kids. I’ve never had one baby at a time (THAT I hope is easier!). I’ve never been pregnant past 32 weeks.

But I’ve also been aware of how this life I’ve had with the twins (just us three a lot of the time) will now include one new precious person. My time will now be divided three ways, instead of two. And I can already feel the pressure of splitting my time between all of them, knowing that in a lot of ways I’m going to miss more opportunities with them than I would like simply because I’m one person limited by the constraints of time, energy, and quite frankly, only two hands.

As I’ve grown into this motherhood thing I’ve started seeing motherhood as sort of a long goodbye. While we all are on a journey of this long goodbye from the moment we take our first breath, parenting has a way of making you feel like everything is the beginning of the end in such profound ways. Motherhood is a temporary vocation. It won’t last forever. While I will always be their mom, I won’t always mother them in this way. One day, a long (but all too short) day from now, I will let them go. Everything I have taught them will not be practice any longer, it will be reality.

And I feel an ache in my soul about it all.

Most moms have had it said to them “the days are long, but the years are short.” And oh, how short they are, aren’t they? With each step we take on this long goodbye, we are reminded that each passing day is one that we won’t get back. They will never be two year olds playing in the snow for the first time again. Next year, they will be one year older, and allowing us to see the world from their eyes in a whole new way. But it will be one step closer on this long goodbye.

Understanding the reality of the long goodbye is more than just coming to terms with the ache of motherhood. It has theological undertones that find their hope in something greater than simply treasuring every moment of each passing day (though that is certainly a good and right thing). If my hope is in holding on to the moments that I know won’t last forever, then my joy will be determined by the limited nature of these days. But if my hope is in the fact that all of my days are guiding me towards a greater joy in the presence of my Savior, then I can trust that even the tears shed over fleeting moments aren’t in vain. They mean something. The answer is not holding on to my sentimentality anymore than it is in pretending like my heart isn’t experiencing the reality of living in a world that is passing away. Neither of these will bring me lasting comfort. But in the times of my greatest sadness over the temporal nature of motherhood, and this life in general, I must run not to my circumstances, but to the precious reality that one day Christ will return, make all things right, and wipe away every tear from my eyes—even the tears I shed on this long goodbye.

Motherhood, like all of life, is cursed by the fall—meaning it’s not what God intended it to be. It’s painful and it ends. So as we walk the road of this long goodbye called motherhood let us hold in tension the reality of enjoying this life, one day at a time, and longing for the perfect one to come.

A Dependent Woman in an Independent World

The twins and I just got back from a two week trip to Florida to visit my parents, which means I flew by myself with two 21 month old boys. It was fun. It was intense. It was filled with memories. It was exhausting. This is a snapshot of how it went.

Between staring out the window at all of the airplanes, watching Bubble Guppies, and eating an abundance of snacks, we all had a pretty good time flying together. Daniel and I have flown with them together before, so I knew what to expect a little bit. But this was my first solo venture, so I was a little (a lot!) nervous about how it would all go. In God's kindness, these sweet boys exceeded all expectations and made it a fun ride. 

What I didn't expect was how my ugly battle with pride would come full force as I boarded the plane with two littles. I prepared for little help from fellow passengers, but I was blown away by how kind people are to a pregnant lady with two toddlers. I never actually had to get the boys on the plane alone. Someone always stopped to help me, which was a great blessing. But with every offer for help from kind bystanders I felt my own self-sufficiency rise up in me. Of course, I brushed it off as not wanting to be an inconvenience. But I know what I really meant in my heart. I may have said "thank you" out loud, but I was thinking:

No, I don't want your help. I want everyone to marvel at how I mastered flying alone with twins.

It's awful, really. Only a crazy woman refuses help when she's trying to wrangle two busy toddlers. But I am that sinful, crazy woman. The very essence of pride is a desire to make much of yourself, to puff yourself up in front of others. It can even come across as noble and good, like taking care of twin boys on a flight to Florida, but it's still pride. I've written before about my struggle with accepting help from others, and while my circumstances are different this time around, it still lurks in my heart. 

It doesn't help that I live in a culture that prides itself on self-sufficiency. America is about the self-made man or woman. America celebrates independence, not dependence. We marvel at the woman who does it all. We praise the man who came from nothing and made himself into a successful businessman. We love a story of survival and grit. But that is not the way of Christ. As a Christian, everything I have is owing to the merits of another. My motto should be "nothing in my hands I bring, simply to thy cross I cling." So even in my best moments as a mom, wife, friend, or writer, I'm still coming up short on the sufficiency front. It's pride that feeds me lies, making me believe I'm doing better than I truly am. 

Now that I'm home, I'm glad all those people offered to help me. It made the trip much more enjoyable. It protected my boys from running off when I couldn't move fast enough to catch both of them. It even allowed me to make some friends on the flights. So the next time someone offers to help me, I want to accept with a willing and grateful heart, rather than as a woman who thinks she's got this whole mothering twins thing together. Because, let's face it. I need the help.

A Father's Delight

On Saturday we took the twins to an unused baseball field to let them run around in the outfield. Both boys are at a point in their life where running is their top priority. Since our backyard is fairly uneven, rocky, and has a variety of levels, it's not really conducive for toddler activities. So we have been brainstorming about ways to help them burn their restless energy. And that is how our Saturday activity was born.

Daniel noticed the baseball field when he was playing tennis earlier that morning. He could hardly wait for the twins to wake from their nap so we could take them out to play. In his fatherly imagination it was going to be a great time. And it was. From the minute we got there both boys could hardly contain their excitement. Zach, who is a little more active than Luke, ran for the entirety of our time there. As he ran through the grass, from one end to the other, he screamed and laughed like we had never heard before. Both of their faces expressed such joy, that in turn made us joyful. As we drove home from our time there (they ran for thirty minutes straight and were dripping sweat!), we couldn't stop talking about how much fun we had. But what struck us was how our excitement was simply owing to the delight we saw in our children. For those thirty minutes Zach and Luke were filled with unbridled joy in doing what they were made to do, which for 16 month old boys is to run and run and run until you can't run anymore. And we felt every bit of that joy.

As I've reflected on this experience more I have been amazed at how kind God is to give us such beautiful, living, tangible metaphors to understand the depth of his love for us. So many of our earthly realities are designed to point us to the perfect heavenly one that is waiting for us. Through our very lives we are living these metaphors. But even more than that we get to experience a taste of the beauty the metaphor is describing. When I think of how happy I was to see my boys enjoy something so small as running in an open field, it pales in comparison to God's delight in giving us good gifts. He loves seeing his children appreciate and find joy in the good gifts he gives so freely.

But more than that his gifts to us are always for our good. We took our sons to an open field, and not our backyard, because we know what is best for them. We know they want to run. We know they love being outside. But we also know that four foot tall drop-offs and rocky terrain are not the best places for wobbly toddlers. So we took them to a place that was better for them. We didn't withhold the gift. We simply gave it parameters and a better context. If the twins had only known the rocks, broken sticks, and uneven landscape of our backyard they would never have known the wonder of a flat open field where they could run with abandon for hours.

God is infinitely more loving and wise than that. He delights in giving us good gifts. And even when those gifts are withheld or seem far away, he is not doing so arbitrarily. He has a purpose. He has greater joy awaiting us. In our finite minds we would settle for the rocky terrain and uneven landscape, when in God's perfect wisdom he has open fields just around the corner.

Life With Twins: "You Must Be So Busy!"

One of the many comments I get when I'm out and about with the twins is "you must be so busy!" I guess I am. The truth is, since I have only had twins, I don't know any different. I was thrown into this whole parenting thing with two babies instead of one. So I've learned parenting like the rest of my mom friends, just with less arm and lap space. As you can probably imagine, I get other comments, too. Comments like "Better you than me!" "They must be double trouble!" Those are true statements, too, I guess. When one gets into something, the other usually follows. And I am glad it's not them raising these precious boys. I like them and I'm so glad they are mine. Twins tend to attract attention and comments, which I've gotten used to, and they boys don't mind at all! They LOVE the attention from people.

In all honesty, life with twins has been the craziest, most amazing, most difficult, most joy-filled reality I have ever known. Yes, I'm busy. Yes, I'm tired. Yes, my kids disobey and get into stuff. But that's what motherhood is. It's busyness. It's exhausting work. It's constantly training and teaching my precious sons that there is a way to live in this crazy world.

With all the well-meaning comments, and some not-so-well-meaning, I always remind myself and them that double the crazy means double the joy. We really believe that, Daniel and me. We look at these two sweet 14 month old boys and think, "we can't believe we get to be their parents." Sure, some days are hard. I'm not going to pretend it's always smiles and giggles around here. It's not. But nearly every day when we put them to bed we marvel at the stewardship we have been given. God has entrusted these precious souls to us. What a task!

Busyness comes and goes. There are some days that are filled with a little more crazy, tears, and disarray than others. But there is never less love and joy. And as I like to say often, "double the crazy truly is double the fun."

A little by way of update on these two, since I realized I haven't done this since they were 10 months old!

Luke is officially out of his helmet. Praise the Lord! He was such a trooper through the whole process. Both boys are growing well and learning so much. They enjoy playing with cars and balls. What little boy doesn't, right? Zach can say "eye" and "nose" (it sounds like "ne") and can point to both. Luke is stuck on only saying and pointing to his nose. They love to eat and drink milk, which is such a change from a year ago! Luke LOVES tomatoes. Seriously loves them. They both love fruit and would only eat that if I gave it to them exclusively. They have become quite attached to their blankets, which I find absolutely precious. Daniel and I always think each phase is so fun, but this has been our favorite so far. They love playing and learning new things. They will bring books to us and toys to us and want us to play with them or read to them and it melts our hearts. All in all, it's been a fun second year with them!

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This post is part of a blog link-up for the Twin Talk Blog. Since April is Multiple Birth Awareness Month, I wanted to join in the fun with other twin mamas! I wish this blog on twins had been around last year at this time. But I enjoy reading it now!

10 Months: A Twin Update

 

 

It is so hard to believe they are 10 months already. Getting into the double digits with them makes me feel like this baby stage is quickly leaving us. And while I'm excited about the future with them, there is something about the cuddliness and sweetness of the baby stage that I will most certainly miss. It has been a while since I updated on these little twinsies, so I figured it was about time.

 

They are growing every day and busy as can be. They are all boy. They like to crawl, climb, pull up, and get into anything they can get their little hands on. Zach is a "swiper", as we like to call him. If you aren't careful, he will swipe anything, things like knives off the table, food off your plate, or the paper that seems out of reach. Luke is our bouncer. He likes to bounce all of the time. He also likes to stand, which can prove challenging at times. They are very happy little guys. And social. I am pretty sure they have never met a stranger. This is very comforting for me when I leave them in the nursery at church or have a babysitter for them.

 

Luke is still in physical therapy and helmet therapy, but doing better every week. We are so pleased with his progress. Zach is still bigger than Luke. He even likes to exert his physical dominance by stealing toys from Luke regularly. Poor Lukey doesn't mind, but Zach minds a lot when Luke takes his toys! They are learning how to babble and say things like "ma-ma" and "da-da" and even can wave and say "ba-ba"! Zach can't say it much yet, but Luke is getting there!

 

They absolutely love each other. It is such a joy to watch. They are never far away from each other, and if they are, they quickly come back together. Zach makes Luke laugh all of the time and I only wish I knew what he was doing that was so funny to him!

 

It's hard to believe that a mere 10 months ago they were my little NICU babies. God has done so much in growing them, changing them, and protecting them. They are the sweetest blessing to us and we are so very thankful for them. When I think of the Christmases without a baby, and how my heart longed for full arms, I never imagined both of my arms would be full. And full they are! We are truly celebrating God's kindness to us this Christmas. His kindness in sustaining us in the years of miscarriage and infertility. And his kindness in giving us these little miracles. We love them so!

Here are some more pictures of them in action!

So, You Had a Baby?

Whenever a celebrity has a baby the media immediately begins the dreaded waiting game before the poor woman has even checked out of the hospital. You know the game. Will she or won’t she lose all that baby wait—and in what length of time? While I wanted to buck the trend, I was just as delusional in the days leading up to the arrival of my twin boys. I wanted to look like I didn’t have twins. I wanted people to look at me and say “you don’t look like you had twins at all!”

How selfish of me!

In God’s kindness, and nature’s reality, that was hardly the case for me. Instead of basking in the praises of people who couldn’t believe I had just given birth to twins, not a day went by during our five week stint at the hospital that someone didn’t ask me when it would be my turn to come deliver my baby. And this lasted long after we brought them home.

I had twins. And I looked like it.

I shouldn’t have been surprised. If eating a Big Mac every Sunday after church kept me from throwing up on the way home, then you better believe Momma was going to eat a Big Mac. The last thing I was thinking about was my ridiculous goal of being the width of a stick post-pregnancy. I just wanted to keep down dinner. And eat what sounded good.

As I’ve worked through the emotions, and come back to reality, about this whole post-baby body thing, I have grown to love what these boys did to me. Right after they were born I dealt with some serious separation issues about the fact that they weren’t with me any longer. Of course, it was made worse by the fact that they physically weren’t with me for five weeks and medically speaking they should have still been inside of me. But now that they are growing, healthy, and amazing little boys the reality of my post-baby body is a story about how they came to be.

Here’s the deal. And it’s taken a while for me to come to this conclusion. I had babies. Why shouldn’t my body bear the marks of such a wonderful feat? We live in a culture that prizes perfection and hates children. We want them, we just don’t want the changes they bring. The fact is the change is part of life.

Our bodies are never going to be perfect this side of Eden. And our endless pursuit of a perfect body, especially post-pregnancy, is very much in vain.

Your stretch marks, extra skin and pudge around the middle, and bags under your eyes are all evidence of something beautiful—the life that grew inside of you. The life that bears the image of our God.

Our society’s obsession with the perfect body and looking like we never had kids is for naught. They are trying to get perfection without the perfect One. It’s not possible. They want to go back to the glory of Eden, but reject the Christ who himself makes us whole. We know another way. We know that this life is not all there is. One day we will have perfect bodies. But it won’t be here. And it won’t be by our own efforts. No amount of running or the 30 Day Shred can remove the fact that this old body of ours is decaying. It’s not the final story.

Until that day, our imperfect bodies are reminding us that another one is coming. But they are also reminding us that with these old, decaying bodies of ours God is bringing new life into the world, life that exists to bring glory to his name. When Adam named his wife Eve, he called her the mother of all living. Out of her life would come. And as women, we get to do the same thing.

So when I try to put on my old jeans and realize that there is a little extra skin that wasn’t there before, I don’t want to begrudge it. And I don’t want to pretend like it’s not a big deal either. Out of a decaying body God has brought forth life. He is making all things new.

Life With Twins: 8 Months Later

Tomorrow these sweet boys will be 8 months old. I can hardly believe it. Sometimes it feels like yesterday that I saw their precious faces for the first time. And then other times it feels like they have always been part of our lives. We love them so stinking much!

So what is life like with these twinsies? One part crazy. One part totally fun. And equal parts overwhelming joy. I will say, the first 5 or 6 months were really intense. With the first 5 weeks being all things NICU, coupled with the fact that they were pretty much like newborns for the first 4 months of their life, it was exhausting. Then you add the fact that we have never been parents before, and you have a recipe for a little bit of chaos.

Would I do it again? Absolutely.

Around 4 months we realized Luke had some issues with neck rotation and it was confirmed by an occupational therapist and his pediatrician. That explained his flat head (he only slept on one side). He was diagnosed with torticollis, which started us on a busy few months of therapy evaluations, head scans, and doctor visits. He will be in physical therapy until he reaches his important developmental milestones for the first year, and he will be in the helmet about as long, too. Thankfully, we have gotten into a good routine with sitters for Zach, occasionally taking them both to therapy (Luke does better with brother there sometimes), and doing home exercises. At first, I was really sad and overwhelmed with the prospect of more doctor visits for our family. Our life has been doctor visits for the last year or so and I just wanted some normalcy--whatever that means, right?

So what are the twins like?

They are so much fun! They are really happy babies for the most part. They have their usual crabby moments, but who doesn't? They love attention and people. And they especially love women and little girls. They have really started to notice each other and "talk" to each other. I love it and can't wait to see them interact more and more! Luke is much more vocal than Zach, though they both like to talk. Luke often talks himself to sleep at night time and talks himself awake in the morning. They smile all of the time. My favorite moment with them is when I go get them from naps or in the morning. They go crazy in their cribs with excitement!

They really want to move. Just this week they both have started getting on their knees and elbows and started rocking. They roll everywhere (especially Zach) and they can scoot backwards and with their legs (while their head is down), but they often get frustrated when they can't move. They both sit up well and love being able to see the world. Luke's physical therapist told me yesterday that some babies have little interest in moving, but that is not him at all, nor is it true of his brother. They cannot wait to move, though mommy is fine with them waiting a little longer! Honestly, their drive to move doesn't surprise me at all. Luke was very active when I was pregnant with them. I don't think he ever stopped moving. Zach was active, too, but nothing like Luke was.

They also aren't as cuddly anymore because they want to move. The other day they wanted to cuddle before naps and I ate up every minute of it because it rarely happens anymore. I miss it!

Growth wise they are catching up nicely. The doctor said they are doing exactly what they should be doing. Zach is still bigger than Luke, but they both are ahead of the curve, which is what we want. They love eating solids! That is a huge prayer answer for me because bottle feeding has been a bit of a challenge at times and I was terrified to introduce something new. I think they like solids better than bottles! And Zach has a tooth coming through, so that explains his fussiness the last few weeks! I am sure Luke is not far behind.

People often asking me what the hardest part of having twins is, and while I have nothing to compare it to, I think the fact that I can't hold them both at the same time is the most challenging. Having two kids is not unique to many moms, but having two infants is. And the fact that they both need to be transported by my arms poses a challenge sometimes, especially when there are over 35 pounds of baby between the two of them. I suppose it is good that I am learning how to share my love and attention early on because that is just part of being a mom, but it does kill me sometimes that I can't pay attention to both of them at the same time. If I could multiply my arms and my affection I would be golden!

So that is where we are at with these boys of ours. Most days my eyes well up with tears thinking about God's kindness to us. I remember vividly the many months and years of begging God for a child, just one child to call my own. And in his kindness he gave me two precious, precious boys. I try to remember that especially when I feel like I am losing my mind with exhaustion and sinful lack of patience. I cannot imagine any other life than the one I have right in this moment. I love these boys with every fiber of my being. They are such a gift to Daniel and me. And we can't believe how far they have come!

Lessons Learned in Six Months of Motherhood

I have only been a mother to little babies for six months now (how did that go so fast?!?!?), so I am by no means an expert. In fact, I am pretty sure I know less about parenthood today than I did the moment the boys were born. Motherhood has humbled me, big time. And (on most days), I'm so thankful for that. Before I had the boys I thought pretty highly of myself. I had watched my friends have kids and thought I had a pretty good handle on this whole parenting thing. I was going to be that "laid back mom" who made everyone marvel at my mad mothering skills. First, I don't know where I ever got the idea that I had a shred of an easy going personality. And second, I was way wrong. Like I said, motherhood has humbled me. So this post is mostly a confession about all I've learned these last crazy six months. It's not a parenting manual. It's just reality. And I'm sure in the next six months my eyes will be opened to the many more things I have yet to learn.

So consider this a letter to my first time mom self. It's what I only wish I knew six months ago.

Hold the baby. Seriously, Courtney. Pick up that sweet baby you helped create and snuggle until both your hearts are content. I was like a "holding Nazi." The boys could only be held at certain times of the day and for only a prescribed period of time. My poor dad came to visit right after they came home from the hospital and I was so stressed about them getting used to being held and never sleeping at night that I took no pictures of him holding the twins because he hardly even got to hold them. I'm sure he held them some, but not as much as he should have. Courtney, hold the baby.

Self-soothe will come later. Again, I was obsessed with this whole self-soothe idea. I read all these things about the importance of learning how to self-soothe. I didn't want them to be poorly adjusted and have issues until they were adults because they never learned this vital skill, so I stressed about it. And stressed about it and stressed about it. They will learn it, Courtney. If they don't, I'm pretty sure they won't be relying on you for comfort when they are eighteen.

Relax. Just relax. Sleep patterns will emerge. You will survive the sleepless nights with most of your sanity in place. They will eventually stop crying, and life will settle into a good routine. Relaxing will help you enjoy the moment, which is the most important thing in these early days. The precious, baby moments won't last forever and you will want to remember yourself relaxed and happy, not frazzled and crazy.

Put down the books and get to know your baby. Having twins has really made me see that no two babies are alike, even if their DNA is exactly the same. If I believed everything a book told me I would be trying to fit one or both of my children into a mold that he simply wasn't made for.

Let go of your need for control, because it's just an illusion anyway. This is a lesson that God obviously wants me to learn because he keeps bringing it up in my life. I want to learn it well.

And most importantly, Courtney, be thankful to God for these precious gifts. You aren't guaranteed more sleep. You aren't guaranteed days of ease. You aren't guaranteed obedient children. But you are guaranteed a heart full of love. And that's what I want to remember from this first year of life. I want to remember that my heart swells with love for these precious boys every time they look me in the eye and smile bigger than I knew possible. I want to remember that I'm daily brought to tears over God's provision for these boys. These are the things that will stay with me even when the most well intentioned day doesn't even come close to going as planned.

It's been a good six months as their momma. And I can't wait for every month after.

A Kindness That Cannot Be Repaid

Every day I stare at a big stack of thank you notes from my baby shower. And that’s pretty much all I do with them. You see, my baby shower was nine days before the boys’ unexpected arrival. I barely had time to unpack and put away all of the gracious gifts before our doctor told us “it’s time to have these babies.” When the whirlwind of their birth happened even more people poured out abundant kindness to us through meals, more gifts, and rides to the hospital. There were many days that we were moved to tears by all that people were doing for us. And my thank you list kept growing. Every time someone bought something for us or did a kind deed everything in me wanted to find some way to repay them for all of their service to us. And yet, here I was helpless (and I still am pretty helpless) to do anything because I was overwhelmed by a major surgery recovery and caring for two boys in the NICU. Now that they are home I have even less time.

 

I have said before that this season in my life feels like I am constantly depending on people. And that’s hard for me. Now I can’t even appropriately thank the people who care for us. My inability to properly thank people in a reasonable time frame, has caused me to better understand Christ’s work on my behalf. My needy, desperate state as a busy mom of two little babies has helped me see my needy, desperate state before the God of the universe. Christ invaded my dead heart and made me alive through his blood. Christ is strong when I am weak. Christ is sufficient when I am failing. And every day is another reminder that I can’t repay him either. There is no amount of goodness that will be enough for what he did for me. There is no big enough “thank you” for his sacrifice on my behalf.

So while etiquette and thankfulness rightly tell me that sending those thank you’s is the right thing to do, and it is (and I’m finally almost done!). My feelings of inadequacy to ever say or do enough in return are here to stay. Not only do they remind me of God’s kindness to me through people, but more importantly they remind me of his kindness to me through our Savior. He has given the ultimate gift that can never be repaid.

What I've Been Up To: Being a Mom

It's hard to believe that the boys are already three months old. I feel like I say that every week! But yesterday they passed the three month mark and we are more in love with them today than we were yesterday.

They are rapidly growing boys, and they sure like to eat! Nearly two weeks ago, Zach weighed 9 lbs 7 oz and Luke weighed 8 lbs. Not bad for babies that were born in the 3 lb range. They are slowly getting better at napping and sleeping, though they go down at night pretty well (which is a huge blessing for mommy and daddy). They still get up twice in the middle of the night, but Daniel and I alternate those feedings, so only one of us gets up for each feedings. Survival is a key word around here these days.

I knew that I would love them deeply when I saw their sweet faces, but I had no context for how my heart would swell with love upon their arrival. And I had no idea how it would only grow with each passing day. Just when I thought I couldn't love them more, I wake up and there it is--more love in my heart for them.

I also feel like I'm slowly emerging from a three month coma. Life has continued on for everyone else and I've been in my own little world far, far away from everyone else. First it was the NICU that kept me away, then it was adjusting to life at home with two very little babies. I finally feel good about leaving the house with the both of them. And we even took our first family trip to Branson, MO!

I've managed to write a few things for other websites since they have been home, but as you can see by the crickets chirping on this blog that my writing has been sporadic at best. That doesn't mean I don't have a ton of ideas and half written posts in this frazzled brain of mine. I told a friend the other day that I'm learning that motherhood doesn't mean you check your thinking at the birthing room, but it sure does mean you have to write when you have time or deal with half written posts for a while.

And that's the crazy thing about motherhood. It gives you so many more new ideas to write about, but there is always a shortage of time to do much of anything, like basic personal hygiene. So writing has been low on the priority totem pole, at least writing on the blog. But, boy, do I have ideas. Hopefully in the coming days, weeks, and months I can get around to those ideas for my own soul, and for my readers as well.

So thanks for sticking around. I have not left for good. Just consider this silence as an extended maternity leave, one that will most likely be ending slowly in the near future.

Twin Update: One Month Old!

One month ago yesterday two precious little boys decided to come to us eight weeks early in a whirlwind of excitement and fear. Even as I type this it's hard to believe they are already one month old. The last month has gone by so fast I can hardly remember all that has happened. And then, at times the days just drag on as we wait to bring them home from the NICU.

But I do know one thing, with each passing moment our hearts only grow fuller with love for them. They are growing and changing every day, it seems. They are much more alert now, especially before and after eating. We love watching their little eyes, facial expressions, and eagerness to eat. In fact, they are now eating every other feeding by mouth. We are hopeful that they will move to every feeding by the end of the week.

They have both gained more than a pound since their birth. Luke weighs 4 lbs 12 oz and Zach weighs 5 lbs 8 oz. They are looking more like newborns now and less like wrinkly preemies!

The other night I told my husband that it makes me sad that the first month of their life is over and we will never have their first month with them at home. He helpfully reminded me that technically I am still supposed to be pregnant, so in reality we are actually benefiting by seeing their sweet faces earlier than we anticipated. When I was pregnant I always talked about how I couldn't wait to see their faces and now I get to see them every day! I am thankful for his perspective in our not ideal situation.

For the most part the boys are keeping pace with every marker they are supposed to be hitting. They have not missed a beat their entire time in the NICU, and for that we are thankful. Right now we are praying they continue to eat well and that we can hopefully take them home soon. Until the day that I can see them face to face every night before bed, I will stare at these sweet pictures to keep me going.

 

God Hears Our Prayers

"Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!" -Psalm 4:1

This has been our prayer as we wait for the boys to come home. God has faithfully answered our prayers when we have been in distress before, and we have confidence that he will do it again. It's not our own strength that makes the desired relief possible, but the strength of his character and his righteousness. Left to ourselves we cannot do anything, but God is powerful enough not only to bring our boys home, but to conform us more into his likeness while we wait.

I have had to remind myself of his power and character over these last four weeks. I cannot make my boys ready to come home from the hospital. I cannot make them take their bottles and nurse well. I cannot make them gain weight. Only he can do it. Having them hooked up to monitors has only further reminded me of my helplessness and his power. He sustains our precious sons. He holds them in his hands. He orders all things. And he has been doing it since the very beginning of their lives.

So we cry out to him in these uncertain days. We are asking him to work and are depending on him for the ability to endure not knowing when their days in the NICU will end. And how do we know he will work? We know his character. We know he is good. And we know that he has worked in the past and he will work in the future. He has worked in abundant ways in our lives before, and as we remember we are reminded that he will do it again.

Will it always work out in the timetable we want? Not exactly. But he will act on our behalf. And that is how we can pray. In prayer we are crying out to the only one who can and will work for our good (Psalm 57:2, Romans 8:28). We daily fall on our faces before this great God knowing that he is good and will fulfill his purposes for us. That is our hope.

Psalm 77 is a great reminder for those wanting to remember God's faithfulness to his own. This is where we want to be--remembering God's faithfulness and mighty deeds. When we get discouraged, we want to remember. When we feel like we aren't making progress with the boys, we want to remember. God has done mighty things for us and he will not stop pouring out his kindness on us.

He has done great things and we are filled with joy. Oh Lord, help us to remember this truth in both the certain and uncertain days.

The Night Before Our Lives Changed Forever

I wrote this the night before the twins ended up being born. When I wrote it I thought I would be having them a couple of days later and had no idea that I was a mere few hours away from going into labor. I thought I would be spending my 30th birthday hooked up to monitors awaiting the arrival of our boys. Instead I spent my 30th birthday in labor, and subsequently on an operating table staring at my precious sons for the very first time. Lucas Daniel Reissig was born at 1:02 PM. Zachary Garrett Reissig was born at 1:04 PM. And 30 years prior, Courtney Dawn Tarter (now Reissig) was born via c-section at 1:06 PM. How's that for crazy timing?!?

The night before they came I couldn't sleep at all, primarily because the steroid shot made me wide awake. So I read everything the NICU gave us that night, read Scripture, looked at Pinterest, checked Facebook a million times, prayed, and wrote this post. I had not stayed up all night since high school and I really hope I don't have to do it again any time soon. But I will say that I feel like God did that to help me prepare for the craziness that was awaiting me that morning. Here is what God was doing in my heart the night before our lives changed forever.

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So yesterday we went to our normal ultrasound appointment knowing that Luke looked a little small last time. But honestly, I was not anticipating he would want them to come this week. After measuring Luke first he gave us the news that Luke was not keeping up with Zach and was now in the 11% while Zach was in the 64%. Plus, after examining Luke's cord on the ultrasound he thought there were some blood flow discrepancies that were contributing to his slow growth. Basically, my uterus was no longer safe for Luke. His recommendation to us was that I get started on steroids to strengthen their lungs and then deliver them after they have had 48 hours to work. He then told us it would be best to go home, pack our bags, and check-in to the hospital until we have these babies. So we did everything he said. We rushed home, got our stuff together (thankfully I started that this weekend), and headed to the hospital, our home for the next few days. The doctor who will deliver them, and who has walked through our infertility with us, came to see me and said he will deliver them via c-section on Thursday. Luke was just too small to try to have them any other way. So we will have our boys by the end of the week. And two days after my 30th birthday. Not a bad set of birthday gifts! My mom is flying in on Wednesday and my sister-in-law (one of them) is coming Thursday morning. I am so glad I will have family around for this since it will be a very emotional time, I am sure. By the time I deliver they will be 32 weeks and 1 day. And Luke could be under 3 pounds.

When we got pregnant with them we always knew this was a risk, and would be another opportunity for us to trust our great God. In fact, our entire life these last two and a half years has been one roller coaster ride of God continually calling us to trust him as good, wise, and loving. If we don't believe that now in the scariest moments of our children's lives to date, we will never be able to teach them honestly about this God we claim to love and trust. Here is where the rubber meets the road. Do I trust him? Do I believe he cares for me? Do I believe he is for me? I want to. In some moments I struggle for control. In others I feel remarkably calm, and if you know me that can only be from him.

We have felt loved beyond what we could imagine. God has shown up in so many ways these last couple of days. From the fact that my high risk doctor pushed my appointment forward so he could see me sooner, which revealed Luke's minimal growth over a 10 day period. To the countless emails, texts, gifts, flowers, and visits we have received from friends and family all over. These people have walked this road of infertility with us and loved us well in the sorrow. Now they are loving us well in the uncertainty of delivering our precious boys eight weeks early. We are overjoyed to introduce them to everyone very soon. God knew this would happen and he is not surprised by their early arrival.

God does not leave is to ourselves in uncertain and frightening days. Fear has always been a big struggle of mine. My vivid imagination does a number on my thoughts in difficult days. But I have been comforted by all of the evidences of God's sovereign hand throughout this entire experience. He knew this would happen. He knit these boys together and ordained the day of their birth. I just never thought it would be 2 days after mine! Or on my brother's birthday! So we look to him, the one who sustains every molecule in this universe, and the ones holding our sons together, too.

Thank you for your prayers. We are looking forward to meeting them on Thursday morning and introducing them to all these people, near and far, who have prayed for these miracle babies for so long.

Isaiah 25 reminds us that God has established his plans from the beginning and will accomplish them. These are his good plans for us and for our boys.

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Thankfully, Luke weighed more than we thought, and their discrepancy was not as vast. Luke weighed 3 lbs 4 ozs and Zach weighed 3 lbs 15 ozs. It was discovered that Luke's cord actually implanted in the membrane of the placenta, not directly into the placenta. This accounted for his slow growth the entire pregnancy. It wasn't until after his arrival that we realized how rare and serious this was. My labor and delivery nurse told me that if my water had broken up top near that spot (rather than on the bottom) both of us could have bled out before we got the hospital. We believe that God is sovereign, but in moments like this we are even more aware of his power and authority over all things. We are thankful for life and thankful for the life of these sweet boys. And now we can't wait to take them home!

Twin Update: One Week Old!

Whew! It is hard to believe that these boys are one week old today. This time last week we were sitting in our hospital room overwhelmed by God's provision in a safe (and unexpected) delivery of our boys. And now, here we are thanking God for one week of life! I finally feel like I can sit down and write out the story of their birth. There were so many things that we saw God do in the entire process last week and I will write about that in the coming days. Because they are in the NICU my life right now pretty much revolves around pumping, visiting them in the NICU, and sleeping. And I really do love every minute of it. I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I had no context for how much I would love it. Even though I am exhausted most of the time and can't remember one day to the next, I am so happy with these precious boys that God has given us. So here is how they decided to come to us last Tuesday.

I went in for my ultrasound on Monday morning. We knew going into it that there was a possibility that Luke had further slowed in his growth, so we were a little prepared for the news that he seemed to have grown very little from my appointment ten days prior. I even had started packing a bag over the weekend just in case we had to go to the hospital on a whim. Daniel had just spent all weekend getting their room ready and we felt going into the appointment that the boys could come and we wouldn't be super stressed. But we were seriously praying that they would wait a little longer, or at least to 34 weeks. After measuring Luke first the doctor said that he had dropped to the 11th percentile (he was in the 20th before) and only gained 2 ounces in 10 days (not good). He checked Luke's cord and saw that his blood flow was not good enough and told us that it was becoming increasingly apparent that my womb was not a safe place for Luke to grow. He then proceeded to tell us that we needed to get them both out soon. I asked how soon and he said "you are having these babies this week." He allowed us to run home and pack a bag and then told us to come back to the hospital that afternoon. At the time he wanted us to spend at least 48 hours in the hospital while I received a couple rounds of steroids to strengthen their lungs. That would have allowed them to monitor the boys continuously just in case something went wrong with Luke. So we ran home and started packing. That was the fastest we have ever packed. We weren't even sure what to take. It's such a strange feeling knowing that the next time you come home you will no longer be pregnant.

So off the the hospital we went.

Because we were supposed to be there for a few days I packed tons of stuff to do. I was going to write thank you notes, read some parenting books, and catch up on some writing I wanted to finish before the boys came. I didn't touch that stuff one time. Once we got to the hospital we were surrounded by a flurry of nurses who constantly monitored the boys and me. We were given a tour of the NICU. My doctor came by to visit. And we had some good time with friends who came by to see us. Daniel and I started thinking that maybe this was God's way of giving us some extra time together before the boys came. My birthday was the next day (Tuesday) so we started thinking through how we were going to celebrate my 30th birthday while I was hooked up to a ton of monitors that were messed up with the slightest movement on my part. We were not expecting any more surprises.

The steroid shot was given to me that night and they gave me a sleeping pill too so I could at least try to sleep (since steroids make you wired). It didn't work at all. I do not usually have a hard time sleeping but for some reason I could not sleep. I was wide awake. I read every piece of material the NICU gave us. I wrote down some thoughts about the boys coming early. I read some things I wanted to read. I read Scripture and felt like God was preparing my heart for the arrival of my boys. I have not stayed up all night since high school and I forgot how long a night is when you never go to sleep. It's awful! Sometime in the middle of the night my back started hurting and I just attributed it to the fact that I was propped up some on my back and the boys were increasingly becoming heavier to me. I thought my body was just unable to handle the weight anymore. Around 5:30 the nurse came in and asked me if I felt something. I didn't feel anything, so I asked her what she was talking about.

"You are having a contraction right now. You've actually been having them pretty regularly for a while."

I told her my back hurt and she said that was why.

At first I didn't think anything of it, but I started noticing more and more that I was feeling something going on, but I thought they were just Braxton Hicks (which I got all of the time). Around 7:00 AM my new nurse came in and said that now they were 5-6 minutes apart. She decided it was probably best to check me since I was progressing, not slowing down in my contractions.

I was already 2-3 centimeters dilated.

Now that wouldn't be a huge deal except for the fact that just a few days ago I was nothing with no indicators of changing any time soon.

She proceeded to tell me I was in labor and told me that I was probably having the babies within the next few hours. I woke Daniel up and told him I was in labor. It took him a few minutes to really comprehend what was happening, but then it hit us both. We went from excitement to fear and then back to excitement and then back to fear. We knew the twins had a better chance of success if I had another round of shots, so we were hoping the doctor could stop the labor. He came to see me around 8:00 AM and confirmed that I was in labor. He originally said he was going to stop labor in order to give the boys a few more days to cook inside of me, but after talking with my high-risk doctor decided it would be best to let labor takes its course and deliver the boys within a few hours. The high-risk doctor felt like my body was telling us something, namely that Luke needed to get out in order for him to be okay.

We had to wait for an operating room to open up and since I wasn't in distress and the babies were fine we weren't high priority. Around 10:00 AM I started noticing more pain so she checked me again and I was already at a 5. At that point they were prepared to let me deliver them if I got to a 10. I was not prepared for that at all! I checked into the hospital thinking I was going to have scheduled C-section. Now I was facing the prospect of delivering them naturally! And after hearing them say that Luke would probably do better being delivered via C-section, I was really nervous about the alternative.

Thankfully, a room opened up and around 12:30 PM  I was on my way down to deliver the boys. At 1:02 PM  and 1:04 PM Lucas Daniel Reissig and Zachary Garrett Reissig entered this world at 31 weeks 6 days gestation! When they were getting me ready for the C-section I felt a sudden sense of fear about what their lungs would be like. It was almost too much to bear. I just prayed that God would bring them out screaming and thankfully they did make some noise on the way out. I didn't get to see them but for a few seconds because they NICU team took them away immediately to intubate them and evalute them. The moment I saw their faces my heart melted. Daniel and I both agree that it feels like a dream. Everything is a blur, but a happy one.

We didn't get to see them for about an hour while they NICU got them stabilized. After that they wheeled me down in my hospital bed and we were able to spend some time with them. From that moment on we continue to love them more and more. Every time we see them our heart melts a little more and we can hardly believe they are ours. The NICU doctor expects them to be there for at least four weeks, give or take a week. So we are one week down!

Here are some stats:

Luke weighed 3 lbs 4 ounces at birth. He was 16 inches long.

Zach weighed 3 lbs 15 ounce at birth. He was 19 inches long.

Both boys did not need to be intubated for long. It only lasted 30 minutes. Since then they have just had a little oxygen through a nasal canula.

And here are some pictures!

Zach

 



Luke

 



 

Zach and me

Daddy and Luke

Friday is for Fotos (And an Update on the Twins!)

I am now officially in my third trimester. Even as I type that it's so hard for me to believe. In some ways the pregnancy feels like it has flown by and then other days it feels like it's dragging ever so slowly. Either way, there is not much time left in this pregnancy. And in six to nine weeks we will be meeting these sweet boys in person. We can hardly wait!

Update on the Boys

They are movers and shakers. I rarely need to actually sit and count movements because they move so much. I am very thankful for that. People often ask me if I can tell a difference in who is kicking. I can! Since I know where they are positioned I have learned to tell who is kicking me at specific times. Today I felt Zach hiccuping for the first time, or at least I think that is what it was. I feel Luke a lot more because of where he is positioned. He seems to be more forward in my womb. Both of them are packing a mean punch these days, and Daniel was even able to see them rolling around the other day. As of the last ultrasound Zach was still head down, but Luke had moved to a breech position. We are hoping he will move himself around in the next few weeks. Zach is still measuring larger than Luke, but they are both growing at the right pace (i.e. they are doubling their weight each visit). It just looks like Luke is a little smaller, but the doctor said that is perfectly normal. Daniel likes to call him our runt!

Update on Momma

I am really starting to feel weighed down by the boys. But that's to be expected at this point. My last day of teaching is this coming Wednesday and I'm really looking forward to spending some time getting ready for their arrival (and resting!). In all honesty, I would take tiredness and physical discomfort over the nausea of the first seventeen weeks any day, so there are no complaints here. Feeling them move is the highlight of my day and I just get so excited knowing that my two children are almost here. While the pregnancy has been fairly smooth up to this point, I did get a little bit of bad news last Friday. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I was really bummed when I found out. I honestly wasn't expecting the diagnosis, so it hit me really hard. And then we found out that Zach was starting to measure a little larger in his abdomen, which could have been because of the diabetes. I met with a dietitian on Tuesday and was really encouraged that this can be managed for the remainder of the pregnancy and have already started seeing an improvement in my glucose levels.

As much as this pregnancy has been the greatest source of joy for me, it has reminded me again of the brokenness of this world. Pregnancy, like everything else, was cursed by the arrival of sin in the Garden. And while we often think of this in terms of the pain of labor and delivery, the entire process of pregnancy and motherhood brings with it pain and suffering. From the fact that our bodies don't make enough insulin while we are pregnant, to the pain we feel when our children reject the Christ we love. Motherhood is full of joy and full of pain--all at the same time.

 

Pregnancy, like infertility, has reminded me afresh why Christ had to come. All is not right in this world. My sinful heart, coupled with the ravages of sin everywhere else, necessitated a divine rescue. It also reminds me that one day things will be made right. One day our bodies will work properly. One day the intense joy we have already experienced will not be laced with sorrow and discomfort. One day the greatest pleasures we are given on this earth will pale in comparison to the overwhelming pleasure of being with our Jesus, who will wipe every tear away and make all things new.

 

So that's an update on our little twinsies. We are daily reminded of God's kindness to us giving us these precious gifts, and are often overcome with excitement about their impending arrival!

Help! I Need Somebody

I really don't like asking for help. Maybe it's the oldest child in me (i.e. pride and self-sufficiency). Or maybe I just feel bad inconveniencing people (again, pride). But I really don't like having to ask for help, especially on a regular basis. And lately, it seems like that is all I am doing.

Nothing says helpless like the third trimester of a twin pregnancy. Most days I need help putting on my shoes. I can't get all of the household tasks done. After I cook dinner I'm just too tired to do the dishes. It takes me days to put away the laundry. I need help getting out of the recliner, and sometimes off the couch. When my husband travels I can't stay alone anymore because there are too many variables that could go wrong. And the list could go on. I am a woman in need of a lot of help. Add to this mix the fact that the last few years have been fairly needy for me (surgery, infertility, miscarriage, moving), and I feel like God is doing a number on my prideful self-sufficiency.

Asking for help does something to you. It is a declaration of dependency. When I ask for help I am essentially saying "I cannot do this on my own. I need the aid of another." Asking for help is an acknowledgment that I do not have it all together, and who really likes to do that?

But as I've reflected on my helplessness these last few months I've been reminded that any self-sufficiency on my part is only an illusion. Even in my healthiest days, my ability to move with relative ease and take care of my daily tasks with speed were still not of my own making. James reminds us that there is nothing we have that we did not receive. Left to ourselves we are a helpless people, in pregnancy and in non-pregnancy. Our inability to complete everything we want to do on a given day, even in the best of circumstances, reminds us of our finiteness--and God's infiniteness. Only God gets his to-do list done. Only God is self-sufficient. We are not.

And this understanding of our helplessness translates into our need for a Savior. We bring nothing to the table when it comes to God accepting us. In fact, we can't even save ourselves. The more we see our own helplessness as human beings, the more we will see our desperate need for the salvation that only Christ can bring. My weak attempts to put my shoes on in the morning are simply a reminder that this weakness pales in comparison to the deep weakness in my own soul (i.e. sin). Sin is my greatest problem. And sin is what keeps me from seeing the Savior. Every other little weakness I face on a daily basis reminds me that God is God and I am not. I bring nothing to the table except filthy rags. He provides every grace and garment needed to cover my sinful pride and weakness.

So the next time I'm struggling to put shoes on my swollen feet, or when I feel like a beached whale trying to get off the couch, I will remember that these momentary weaknesses are reminders of my smallness. Only God is self-sufficient. Only God gets everything done every day. Only God is capable of never asking for help. And when I ask for help, no matter how hard it is, I am acknowledging once again that he is God and I am not.

God's Unexpected Gifts in 2012

A new year is exactly that, the dawn of something new. As the calender turns over we are filled with expectation over what will come in the days ahead. But we are also drawn to think back at the year that just went away. A new year is a time for reflection. We look back at the old and anticipate the new. Many are making their lists of resolutions and goals for 2013. Some are eager over all that the year holds. While some are weighed down with the prospect of another year filled with suffering and sorrow. Some are thankful that the turmoil of 2012 is behind them and thus hopeful for a brighter future.

Regardless of your circumstances coming into 2013, God has not changed. He is the same in 2013 as he was in 2012. He is working in abundant ways for our good this year, even if we can't always see clearly through the smoke and clouds of this sin-cursed life.

It's easy for me to believe that he is good at this point in my life. After years of heartache and longing, he has given us the desires of our hearts by giving us these twin boys. And we are in the expectant and eager category this new year. 2013 is the year our twins will be born, and we are anxious for that joyous day. But as I reflect on 2012, I am thankful for all that God did in the unseen ways this year, too. The most obvious gift for us was this pregnancy, but there is so much more wrapped up in this kind answer to our prayers.

I told Daniel yesterday morning that at the close of 2012 I am thankful not only for God giving us what we wanted, but more importantly giving us what we needed. Getting pregnant with twins would have been in vain if we never saw him as more glorious as a result. God was kind to give us the deepest desires of our hearts, but he did so much more than that. He saw into our hearts and gave us what our hearts needed but couldn't even think to ask for--namely, more of himself. In the overwhelming sadness and difficulty of 2012, God showed up. We started the year unsure of the outcome. We started the year with a long six months of treatment ahead (i.e. more waiting). We started the year with an empty womb and ended with a womb more full than we could have imagined. But through every tear-filled night and nauseated morning God never left our side. He sustained us. He made us love him more. He carried us and changed us. He gave our marriage renewed hope and strength. And all of this was not contingent on whether or not we ever could have gotten pregnant. The twins are just icing on the cake. We needed the darkness before we could ever see and appreciate the light.

So we are thankful this new year, obviously for our precious Zach and Luke. But even more than that we are thankful for the God who is there. He didn't just give us children. He gave us joy that will last for eternity. And that is a good way to start this 2013.

Friday is for Fotos: Twins Update!

 

 

Yesterday we had another ultrasound and visit with my high risk doctor. Ultrasound visits are my favorite. While I love hearing their heartbeats at my other doctor's office, there is nothing like seeing them moving right before my eyes. The boys don't usually cooperate to get good profile shots for their ultrasounds. This week was no different. They are just so busy they don't have time for photographs!

 

Here is a rundown on their pictures:

• Luke is in the picture on the top right. He is still measuring smaller than his brother, but he doubled in weight from the last visit a little over three weeks ago. The doctor still assures us that this is completely normal since he is trending well. He weighs in at approximately 14 ounces! He is the least interested in having his picture taken. He just likes to hang out and move around.
• Zach is in the picture on the bottom right. He is a little more camera happy. He also is a mover and a shaker. When my other doctor listened to his heartbeat on Monday he could hear him moving before he could even find his heartbeat. He was like "I know he is in there, he is just moving around so much!" He is going to be a busy little guy. He weighs in at a whole pound and 2 ounces!
• Their two heads are in the top right picture. It's the only picture we can get of the two of them together anymore. They are too big for one picture now. I guess they will just have to wait until they are born!
• Zach's face is the bottom right picture. It's hard to tell what he looks like because it's so fuzzy, but it is just such a precious picture to me. This is my boy's face and I love it already. Luke wouldn't let us take a face picture. He likes to turn away when those ones are taken!

All in all everything is going well. I feel pretty good now. And besides the fact that I am getting bigger by the minute, my discomfort level isn't too bad. I can feel them move every day, and I must say that this is my hands down favorite part of being pregnant. It overwhelms me to feel these little boys moving around. Daniel felt them move for the first time a few days ago and his reaction was priceless. We just love them so much already.

 

As I reflect on the fact that I have made it this far with these boys I am again brought to my knees in thankfulness to our great God. Every moment with them is a gift and we cannot wait to meet them!

 



These Boys Have Names

This morning we had our first meeting with our high risk doctor. Knowing that we were going to find out the genders this morning, we were excited and nervous. Would everything look okay? Would the babies be growing on time? Would they be boys or girls? So many questions that were thankfully all answered this morning.

Our appointment was at 8:10 am, but was delayed because the doctor was delivering a baby at the hospital. We were able to get in with the doctor around 9:45 and he started the ultrasound. We were both so excited! I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. In fact, I slept even worse than normal last night because it felt like the night before Christmas!

After looking at their heads and brains he moved down to determine their gender. Since he was pretty sure they were identical, he said he would be surprised if they were different genders.

He found Baby A's gender pretty quickly. Baby A is a boy!

Daniel screamed "yes!" immediately. He would have been happy with either gender, but he was really hoping for at least one son.

And then it didn't take him long to determine that Baby B is a boy, too!

Thankfully these little boys cooperated pretty well this morning and made themselves known. There is no denying that they are little boys. I have had to really get used to the fact that we know their gender now. I have twin boys. In the same way that I repeated "I'm pregnant" or "I'm having twins" to myself after I found out, I have had to say "I have sons" to myself all day. It all still feels so surreal. I am the oldest of four children and the only girl, so I always knew that it was preparation for something. I am once again going to be outnumbered in my own house and I cannot wait!

Here's a quick rundown on the twins:

They always thought I might be a day or two ahead of what originally was thought. It turns out that I am. So I will be 19 weeks this Wednesday instead of this Friday. I don't mind gaining two extra days! Baby B is measuring a week behind Baby A, but he has always been smaller. My doctor was not concerned at all and said this is completely normal with twins. But they will keep monitoring me to make sure he doesn't lag too far behind his brother.  I will go back for another ultrasound in four weeks. After that I will go every three weeks, maybe sooner. Everything else looks great.

Now for the part you have all been waiting for--their names. Because we were pretty sure they were identical, we already had names picked out (I like to be prepared). We really wanted to give them names the minute we knew their genders because we have been calling them Baby A and Baby B for so long. These babies deserve to have more exciting names than that!

Allow me to introduce to you the newest Reissig boys.

Zachary Garrett Reissig (aka Baby A)

We really wanted to use a name that honored the great miracle God performed in giving us these twins. Zachary means "the Lord remembers". Often when the Bible recounts a story of a barren woman being given children the author says "the Lord remembered her" and opened her womb. We can relate. We truly believe that God has heard our cries for children and remembered us, and we look forward to sharing the story of our God's faithfulness to our little Zachary. Garrett was my grandpa's last name (my mom's maiden name). I was really close to him and wanted to honor him with our little boy.

Lucas Daniel Reissig (aka Baby B)

I'm pretty sure we have had this name picked out since we were engaged. We have always liked how it sounded, so we were mainly just looking for a name to go with this one. But then I found out that Lucas means "bringer of light". Our prayer for both of our children has been that they would come to treasure Christ above all else and put their trust in him at an early age. We want both of them to trust in the true light of the world, our Christ, and tell of him to all who will hear.

We are so overwhelmed by all of the love and support we have received in these recent months. These babies truly are loved by so many. But more than anything we are brought to joyful tears over God's kindness to us. He has heard our cries and has given us two precious boys to raise, love, and cuddle with. We are most excited to share this story of his faithfulness to us with them. We want them to forever know that God is the one who gave them life and he is the center of our family. And our deepest prayer for them is that they would one day embrace him as their own.

Thank you everyone for sharing in our joy. We love every one of you!

And in case you were wondering, we are going to call them Zach and Luke.

The Unchanging Goodness of God

"Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted with grief; my soul and my body also. For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing." - Psalm 31:9-10

I read this psalm, through tears, on April 1, 2011. I still remember exactly where I was sitting when these words ministered to my soul. It was a rainy spring night. Daniel was at a bachelor party for a friend. I was sitting alone on the couch in our living room. It was the exact same place I sat weeping over our miscarriage seven and a half months earlier. And now I was faced with the due date of our precious baby and my womb was still empty. I was overcome with grief and pain. The sorrow surprised me. I thought I had come to terms with our loss, and yet here I was again grieving the shattered dreams and trying to pick up the pieces.

My womb would continue to stay empty for another year and a half. In those months and years following God showed up in ways I never could have imagined. I learned things about his character, his goodness, and my sin in ways I never would have known had everything worked out the way I planned it to be. For that I will be forever thankful. Miscarriage and infertility changed me, but it didn't destroy me, and that is all because of his amazing grace.

On August 1, I read that psalm again. It wasn't intentional, I was just reading through the psalms of the day. But just a few minutes before I read this psalm my life changed drastically.

I was pregnant.

I still have to pinch myself when I write those words. I am pregnant. It feels so surreal. As I read Psalm 31 again that morning I saw a little note penciled next to verses 9-10. A very different Courtney wrote, "My prayer. 4-10-11." It's been too long to see the dried tears on the pages of my Bible, but I'm sure they are there. For two years the psalms have been my comfort in my grief. They have carried me and reminded me of the faithfulness of God. They have given me hope that God will keep his promises to me, namely to give me a future with him forever. They have been my lifeline.

And they still are, just in different ways.

It would be easy to claim God's goodness in our unexpected blessing of twins at the expense of seeing his goodness in our miscarriage and infertility. But I assure you, his goodness has not changed. God is the same God today as he was on August 11, 2010 (when we lost our baby). He is the same God today as he was on October 25, 2011 (when we found out we needed more treatment for my endometriosis). In fact, it has only become clearer to me. God is over our sorrow and our joy. He is sovereign over our barrenness and our fullness. He is God in the lean years and the years of plenty. Circumstances do not dictate his goodness. And that is our hope.

The reality that God is unchanging in every aspect of his character is what carries us when our souls give way to sorrow and when the wave of blessing overwhelms us. Isn't that so comforting? We live in a world where devastating changes can happen in an instant. But we serve a God who never changes.

This has been my constant companion throughout this pregnancy. God is over every detail of our lives and he is always working all things for our good. Even when our circumstances cannot be trusted (which we all can attest to that), we can trust in the God who never changes.