"The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship": A Review

One of my overarching prayers for this year is that God would burn in me a desire (and the grace) to be a better friend. Like many, I love people and love having friends. But I have been convicted lately that if I want to have friends I need to be a friend. For the last two years I have used the excuse that life has been crazy trying to adjust to parenthood (and with twins, no less). However, I am not the first (nor last) woman to mother twins--so I can only use that excuse for so long. Of course, friendship looks much different for me now than it did when I was single and living with roommates. Friendships happened much more naturally back then. I lived with my closest friends. I ate meals with them, ran errands with them, and went to church with them. The depth of those relationships has carried them long after I moved away and got married.

Fast forward many years and I am in a different season of life. One that requires more intentionality and affords me less time. Sometimes I have to cancel a coffee date because I have a sick kid. A lot of my relationships happen within the context of my children, so Sunday morning fellowship, small group, and even play dates are a different animal now. 

All of these new revelations that I am coming to terms with are why I was excited to receive a copy of The Company We Keep: In Search of Biblical Friendship by Jonathan Holmes. Holmes, a pastor of counseling at Parkside Church in Cleveland, OH, has helpfully provided a biblical framework for friendship. This short book is an excellent read for anyone desiring to grow in their understanding of friendship, but also who desires to be a better friend. Here are a few takeaways:

Biblical friendship is designed to point you to Christ. I left this book asking the question of all my friendships: "How can I point this friend to Christ?" But it would even serve the reader to ask how the friendship as a whole points you to Christ. The ultimate goal of biblical friendship is to serve the common goal of mutual sanctification and lifting high the Savior you both love. What a helpful reminder!

Friendship, like everything else, is marred by the fall. We will never have perfect friendships in this life. We were created for relationships, as seen most evidently in the fact that we are created in God's image and he is in perfect fellowship with himself (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). The fact that we crave companionship is a good desire. But because of sin, we selfishly pursue friendships. We are hurt by dear friends. We hurt the ones we love most. The answer is not to abandon biblical friendship, but to understand that it will never be perfect in this life. I needed this reminder. 

Friendship is more about us than about the other person, and most importantly it is about the perfect friend, our God. I found this quote particularly helpful: "I've come to learn that friendship flourishes best when we seek to be and embody the type of friend we see in God himself" (46). How often do I selfishly look at my friendships based on what they can offer me, but that is not the pattern we see from God. We offer nothing to him, yet he gives us everything. Our earthly friendships, like our other relationships, mirror the heavenly one set for for us in God.  

Understand your limitations. Holmes helpfully points out that we can't be all things to all people. True biblical friendship, he says, happens best with a small number of people. Even Jesus limited his inner circle to three. This is hard for an extrovert like me, but also a helpful reminder that I am human and have limitations. Identifying the friendships that God is already forging in my life and then purposefully working to grow them in a mutual love for Christ is a better model than trying to be BFF's with everyone.

As I finished this book I asked the Lord to make me the type of friend who not only is willing to do the hard work of fostering friendships that last, but also the type of friend who is humble enough to receive the honest correction and accountability that friendship affords. I don't like being confronted. I don't like correction. But I know it is necessary for growth in godliness. I want to be a friend who hears correction and receives it with humility. 

If you desire to grow in your friendships, or simply want to understand what God has to say about friendship, I highly recommend this book to you. As Holmes says in the book, we need community (particularly biblical friendship) in order to grow in godliness. We are not made for "substitute relationships", but for lasting relationships that point us to our Savior. May we all be such friends.

Women Are No Threat to Me

In my single days, my roommates and I kept an article from John Piper on our refrigerator as a daily reminder to fight the sin of comparison. I was reminded of it last week as we wrapped up our summer bible study on John with the women of our church. As Peter has just been restored to fellowship with Christ, he is immediately pulled into the comparison game as he looks at his fellow disciple, John. Piper says this about Peter's question to Jesus.

That’s the way we sinners are wired. Compare. Compare. Compare. We crave to know how we stack up in comparison to others. There is some kind of high if we can just find someone less effective than we are. Ouch. To this day, I recall the little note posted by my Resident Assistant in Elliot Hall my senior year at Wheaton: “To love is to stop comparing.” What is that to you, Piper? Follow me.

Comparison is such a besetting issue for us as women. We see a woman dressed differently than us and we mentally stand next to her and boast in our attractiveness or wallow in how much better she looks. We see another mother with her children and compare our parenting skills, or lack of skills. We see a wife love her husband well and measure our relationship next to hers. We see a co-worker excel at a particular task and wonder why we can't work with the same speed and precision. Or to hit it home for me, I read another writer and feel stings of comparison as her perfectly crafted sentences make mine look like the work of an amateur.

The business of comparison is a dirty one.

But I was struck by something else as I studied this last part of John, something that put my own struggles with comparison in perspective. Peter and John both served very necessary, yet unique purposes in the establishment of the church. John lived a long life and wrote a number of New Testament books. Peter was at the forefront of the spread of the church (through much persecution) and according to tradition, was crucified upside down. Both lives looked very different. But both were needed in God's kingdom.

The same is true for us as writers, women, mothers, wives, employees, and church members. As a writer, I may say something in such a way that a specific woman has ears to hear. Land a different woman's eyes on my written words and she may need the voice of another friend of mine, who writes in a different voice. Both voices are necessary, both styles get the point across, but everyone has different ears to hear in different situations. We are all necessary.

In the writing world it can be easy to compare our own abilities and accomplishments with the woman next to us (or to put it more clearly, on the Internet page next to us). But we mustn't do that, friends. Like Peter and John, we have been given unique abilities, voices, and styles to minister to women who need to see that God's word is true and valuable in their lives. The woman who writes with more wit or careful turning of a phrase than me is not a threat to my gifting, but a blessing. She helps others see God when my words fall short. That is a gift! She is a service to the church in the same way I am called to be. I can lean on her and learn from her, but I should never resent her.

There is much to celebrate in this particular season with the multitude of women writers. I am encouraged by so many of them. As Christian women, who long to see God glorified in our lives, let us take the words of our Christ to heart when we feel the sting of jealousy rise up in our hearts over the giftings of another:

"What is that to you [sister]? You follow me."

A Heart for Diversity

The subject of race has been a polarizing topic in our country for longer than any of us have been alive. In many ways, the lasting effects of the racism that divided us are still entrenched in many communities. If we move into the church, we find that even among God’s people, diversity and freedom from race divisions is still a longed for reality.

 

How should God’s people think about diversity in light of our history and his word? What does diversity in relationships look like? How does the fact that we bear God’s image play into our thinking about diversity and race?

 

My friend, Trillia Newbell, author of the new book United, enters this conversation with grace, conviction, and boldness. Through her own story of longing for diversity, worshipping as a minority in her own local church, and subsequently finding diversity through two dear friends, she shows us God’s plan for making a people for himself from every tribe, tongue, and nation. It truly is a beautiful sight to behold.

 

Trillia speaks not only to subject of race, but very real issues in our own hearts as we think through relationships with people who are different than us. As a chronic man-fearer, I was convicted and encouraged to not look to myself in situations of fear and self-awareness, but to look to the God who secures my identity in Christ. Through her personal story of diverse friendships, she shows us that God’s plan for diversity often comes to us through relationship. It is in community with other believers that we grow in Christ but also grow in our understanding of how uniquely different we all are. It is easy to gravitate towards the people who are like us and pull away from the ones who are different, even if they share our skin color. But Trillia shows us that because of our standing as image bearers of God and now his children through Christ, we have more in common than we tend to realize.

 

United is a refreshing read for anyone who longs to see the biblical promise fulfilled that God is securing a people for himself from every tribe and tongue. I know I do. Which is why reading United ignited my passion once again not only for diversity, but to see God’s name declared throughout the world.

Order it on Amazon

How to Help Your Infertile Friend: Part 1

It's been over a year since God opened my womb and gave us these twin boys, which means it's been over a year since I've felt the daily sting of infertility. All throughout our struggle to get pregnant, and in the months following our pregnancy, I have wanted to write something that would help others know how to help their friends in this difficult trial. I have written about how to help after miscarriage and I have written to the infertile woman, but I have never written to an outsider looking in on the infertile couple. There are a number of reasons for that. In the midst of our journey I never felt like I could really pinpoint the most helpful things. We were truly upheld by so many dear people, but in the moment I never wanted to come out swinging against the ones who maybe didn't know exactly how to help. During infertility was not the best time for me personally to write about it. I felt like God had more work to do on my own heart before I could write about it.

But as I am now farther removed from it, my prayer is that I can help those who earnestly desire to encourage their weary friends as they walk this hard road of infertility. Here is part one.

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Choose Your Words Carefully

This can apply to many situations that have nothing to do with infertility, which is why I mention it first. As believers, we know that our words matter. We know that our words have value for another. And we know that our words can either bring life or bring death to a person's soul.

Nowhere is this more important to recognize than when you are dealing with a suffering person. And infertility is a form of suffering. For the infertile, there are days where the reality that she cannot get pregnant is right on her shoulder, screaming lies into her head. Lies like "you aren't really a woman." "This defines you." "You have no purpose because you can't bring life into the world." Carefully composed words can be a healing balm to a discouraged and fainthearted saint.

But another more common temptation when you are helping your infertile friends is the urge to generalize their situation and lump it into every other instance of infertility that you are aware of. I still struggle with this, and I have gone through it! The truth is there are a myriad of reasons why a couple might be infertile. And as their friend, you might want to help find out that reason. While some may know why they can’t get pregnant, some don’t. Some situations require simple procedures to fix the problem. Some require years of treatment that only amount to drained bank accounts and broken hearts. What an infertile couple needs most is not a story about how a friend of a friend got pregnant with the same treatment. That might be true. But for every story of success there is another of failure. This doesn’t mean you never offer advice or insight. Just be careful what you say and when you say it. Sometimes silence is the best policy.

 

And I understand how hard this can be. When I don’t know what to say, I often say too much. I just want to say something, anything, to alleviate the pain. But sometimes removing the pain is not what your friend needs. She might just need empathy. She might just need you to sit with her and cry. But here is one thing I can almost promise you, if you have thought of a reason for why she is infertile, she has probably thought of fifteen more. The infertile woman knows her body (usually) more than she ever wanted to know it. And she understands conception usually better than most.

 

So if your desire is to help your friend, and I trust that it is, understand that a carefully composed word goes a long way. This doesn't mean you have to walk on eggshells around your friend (we will talk about that in another post), but it does mean you think about what you say before you say it. Words, if chosen wisely, can go a long way to helping your suffering friend.

A Kindness That Cannot Be Repaid

Every day I stare at a big stack of thank you notes from my baby shower. And that’s pretty much all I do with them. You see, my baby shower was nine days before the boys’ unexpected arrival. I barely had time to unpack and put away all of the gracious gifts before our doctor told us “it’s time to have these babies.” When the whirlwind of their birth happened even more people poured out abundant kindness to us through meals, more gifts, and rides to the hospital. There were many days that we were moved to tears by all that people were doing for us. And my thank you list kept growing. Every time someone bought something for us or did a kind deed everything in me wanted to find some way to repay them for all of their service to us. And yet, here I was helpless (and I still am pretty helpless) to do anything because I was overwhelmed by a major surgery recovery and caring for two boys in the NICU. Now that they are home I have even less time.

 

I have said before that this season in my life feels like I am constantly depending on people. And that’s hard for me. Now I can’t even appropriately thank the people who care for us. My inability to properly thank people in a reasonable time frame, has caused me to better understand Christ’s work on my behalf. My needy, desperate state as a busy mom of two little babies has helped me see my needy, desperate state before the God of the universe. Christ invaded my dead heart and made me alive through his blood. Christ is strong when I am weak. Christ is sufficient when I am failing. And every day is another reminder that I can’t repay him either. There is no amount of goodness that will be enough for what he did for me. There is no big enough “thank you” for his sacrifice on my behalf.

So while etiquette and thankfulness rightly tell me that sending those thank you’s is the right thing to do, and it is (and I’m finally almost done!). My feelings of inadequacy to ever say or do enough in return are here to stay. Not only do they remind me of God’s kindness to me through people, but more importantly they remind me of his kindness to me through our Savior. He has given the ultimate gift that can never be repaid.

Learning to Say Thank You

We have all been on the receiving end of insensitive comments from well-meaning people. In fact, I know I have even been the communicator of such comments. The truth is it is hard to know what to say to someone when they are hurting and even harder to know how to respond to the awkward comments. Yesterday, I tried to tackle the issue of our response to hurtful comments in a blog post on the CT women's blog. Here is how I set it up:

"We’ve all faced a barrage of comments from well-meaning friends. And while the words are delivered with the best of intentions, they often sting. In the days, months, and years following my miscarriage and our subsequent infertility, I faced a similar dilemma: Do I shun every person who makes an insensitive or poorly timed comment? Or is there a better way, even if it means my heart breaks a little more each time?

As the one who is hurting and suffering, it is easy to retreat. We are the victims in the situation, aren’t we? Should we really submit ourselves to more pain when life alone seems to be the source of so much heartache?

Sometimes, yes."

I try to encourage those on the receiving end to respond with a "thank you" rather than a "how dare you". To put it another way, part of being a Christian is learning to bear with those who offend us even in the worst of situations. I go on to say:

"The reality is, many people do not know what to say to the woman who can’t get pregnant or who longs to be married but has yet to meet Mr. Right. We often awkwardly approach the mother who loses a child, or our fear of saying the wrong thing prevents us from saying anything at all. The brokenness of this world manifests itself in a variety of ways, including from the mouths of the most well-intentioned among us.

But our response as recipients of awkward or insensitive comments should be one of grace and forbearance. While we are called to bear one another’s burdens as Christians, we are also called to forebear with those who hurt us, intentionally or unintentionally. When we are called to Christ, we are called to a family. And everyone knows that every family is a little dysfunctional—even when our Father is the creator of the universe."

The hope for all of us is that even when those closest to us fail to truly understand us and our pain, we serve a Savior who knows us better than we know ourselves. He will never leave us or say the wrong thing to us. And he is our basis for bearing with those who are less than understanding.

You can read the rest here.

My Friends

My friend Molly has a really good post up this week on her best friend, Danielle. It made me think about my recent trip to Minneapolis and how grateful I am for the dear friendships that I still have there. She ends the post by saying “I hope you have a Danielle in your life. I also hope you are being a Danielle to someone.”

Friends are a gift from the Lord. To have even one deep friendship in our lifetime is a mercy that we do not deserve, but a mercy that God lovingly gives to us. My two “Danielle’s” live in Minneapolis. Andrea, Steph, and I were friends from the beginning. Though we only lived together for six months it felt like we had been friends our whole lives. They became more than roommates to me. They are like sisters. No one can make me laugh like they do (except for maybe my brothers). We can look at each other and know what the other is thinking—usually this results in laughter, too. I never have to explain myself when I am talking, they just know. They understand me. They bear with my constant opinions. They are willing to listen, even when I talk way too much. But most importantly they make me love Jesus more. Their love for the Savior is evident in all that they do, and they are a constant conviction to seek him daily. One of my favorite things was listening to Andrea and Steph recite the church Fighter Verses to each other on Sunday morning. Walking with Jesus is real to them. Every time I am around them I am reminded of the Gospel because it is so real and personal to them. I can always count on them to be honest with me. They care about my holiness far more than my happiness. Last summer, when I was going through some really difficult circumstances, they cried with me. Bearing one another’s pain is a mark of true friendship.

God has designed us to be relational people. He has designed us to desire friendship and community with people, I believe because this is a part of being created in his image. The fellowship within the Trinity, and also the fellowship we have with the Father through the Son, reveals something important about our interactions on earth.

I am so thankful to the Lord that he has given me many dear friends. I do not deserve them. And I am so thankful for Steph and Andrea. Without their friendship I would be a completely different person. I pray that I can be as much of a blessing to them as they have been to me. My life is profoundly different now that they are many miles away from me. Even though we talk on the phone it’s not the same as living with them. But by God’s grace we have hope. This temporary separation reminds me that one day we will all be together. United with the One who calls us friend—and what a great friend he is.

Why I Hate Saying Goodbye

I have been looking forward to April and May for a while now. Not only because it means the end of school and beginning of summer, but mainly because I had visits with friends and family to look forward to. The excitement started over spring break, when I was able to go home and visit my parents in Florida for a few days—which was such a blessing. Then I knew that when I came back it would be the Together for the Gospel conference, and many friends from my church back in Minnesota would be coming-which was another huge blessing. The two biggest visits of all are that my old roommate and a friend are coming down for the New Attitude conference Memorial Day weekend and we get to go together. Then right after that I get to go home for a week and visit my parents and youngest brother again, and my brother and his wife will be there, too. I know. That’s a lot of updating, but it shows how exciting and full these two months have and will be!

Last week was a life-giving week for me as I caught up with old friends and even made new ones. And going home was so refreshing because I was able to get away, relax, and fellowship with my family. It is hard to walk away from weeks like that and not be in humble praise to God for his provision in my life.

I can hardly contain my excitement when I get to see my friends and family from far away. It’s like Christmas for me all over again. But the presents go away. Even though we have phone calls and emails, it’s not the same as having them around me to talk with and laugh with and hug.

I have been thinking about goodbyes a lot this year. Probably because I have had to say some hard goodbyes to people that I love dearly. Moving is never easy. As I have worked through the emotions of saying goodbye, it has made me think about heaven more—and why goodbyes feel so unnatural.

Each time I say goodbye to my family, or close friends, it is a reminder for me to look forward. And not just forward to months when I will see them again, but to the place where we will be together forever—heaven. Goodbyes were meant to be sad because we were never designed to say goodbye. I think that the sadness that I feel when I say goodbye is a reminder that things are not quite right here on earth. And the excitement I experience when I see loved ones is a reminder of the hope that we will one day be together again, and goodbyes will be no more. If we are in Christ, we are able to say goodbye with hope. We know that our goodbyes are not the end, even when the goodbye is lowering a mother, father, or even a child, into a dark grave plot.

The Gospel reconciles us to God and begins the restoration process of what was lost. Part of what was lost is the fact that we are no longer in unbroken fellowship with God, and each other. Death is the great separator, and the small sting of a goodbye is a reminder of that great sting. But death has no sting for us because of Christ. And even though goodbyes are sad, their sting has been conquered by our King as well.

So, to all of you that I was able to see last week, and will get to see in the near future, know that you mean so much to me and that there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss your presence in my life. And, Mom, the next time we are saying tearful goodbyes at the airport know that it’s not really goodbye. It’s just “see you later.” And for us, later means forever.

Mrs. Dubert

One of the greatest problems, I fear, of my generation is that we are often too isolated. Certainly we are a community driven generation, but we like to stay within our own niches. It is rare to see, anymore, a twenty-something in a willing conversation, let alone relationship, with an older member of society. And sadly, this is not foreign to the evangelical church. There is much to learn from the Baby Boomer and Senior Citizen in our congregations, and many times we aren’t even in churches where that could be an option.

A great joy of mine has been to get to know Mrs. Marjorie Dubert. She is the mother of my mom’s best friend, Sonja. In 1960, Mr. and Mrs. Dubert were accepted for translation work with Wycliffe Bible Translators in Papua New Guinea. They were there until 2002, when they retired and returned back to the States. For 42 years they labored in translation work and raised 7 children. It was not without trials, though. Their first translation work was for a tribe with a dying language. They realized once they had begun the work that this was a language that after the current generation passed away would no longer be in existence. Yet they stayed for the few people who would be impacted by the Gospel and completed the New Testament. Upon completion of this work, they could have returned to the United States to enjoy their grandchildren and retire, like many in their generation were doing. Instead, they chose to begin another translation work for a tribe where many were hungry for the Word.

When they did retire, Mrs. Dubert began having problems with her eyesight. The doctors soon realized that years of taking malaria medicine had affected her eyesight to the point of blindness. It was only a matter of time before she would be legally blind. In spite of all of this, she still serves in many ways, including penning a story of her time in New Guinea. I hope that this is a blessing to you, as it has been to me. Reading the words of a woman, who despite losing her own sight so the eyes of the spiritually blind may be opened, is an encouragement to be faithful no matter the cost.

*THE SOVEREIGNTY OF GOD*
by Marjorie Dubert

“Whatever Jehovah pleased, that hath he done.”
—Psalm 135:6

“He who is the blessed and only Sovereign, the King of kings and Lord of lords.”
—1 Timothy 6:15

A very vivid object lesson, showing me that God is Sovereign, occurred during my years of serving him in Papua New Guinea with Wycliffe Bible Translators/Summer Institute of Linguistics.

LaVonne Scherers was a fellow graduate student at Columbia Bible College. In the summer of 1954 she sang in my wedding. The next time I saw her in early 1962, she was Mrs. Walt Steinkraus doing Bible translation with her husband and children for the Tifalmin people in Papua New Guinea. They welcomed my husband and me with our children as fellow translators.

In March of 1971, Vonnie came by our home at Ukarumpa to say good-by. She and the 2 girls, Kerry 12 and Katherine 2, were off to the village to join Walt. She could have left Kerry in the Children’s Home to attend the International Primary School, but Kerry chose to go to the village. Vonnie told me, “We want to Glorify God as a family.”

Vonnie and the girls arrived in the village March 19, and 2 days later, on a beautiful sunny Sunday, the Steinkraus family attended church in a nearby village, returned home and lay down to rest while many in the village took the opportunity to go work in their gardens or gather firewood. At 3pm, a freak landslide, ½ mile long, 300’ high and 100’ deep with terrific force crossed the river and covered the village, instantaneous death for the 10 victims remaining in the village. An envelope found in the debris had this verse written on it, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:6).

Other translators, Al and Susan Boush with their children, took up the translation project and the Tifamin people now have the New Testament in their language.

However on another occasion July 17, 1998, when an earthquake occurred a few miles off the shore of Arop, Papua New Guinea, it caused three 33 ft high Tsunamis to come ashore. All the houses and people in Arop village at the time, including the home of the Nystroms doing Bible Translation for the Arop people, were swept out to sea. In the Sovereignty of God, John and Bonnie Nystrom with their two children and all their translation materials were safely at Ukarumpa Center.

God used the Nystrom family to give the remaining people hope, to choose more translation helpers, and to set up a training center where they now train and work with translators from eleven other languages as well as the Arop.

I marvel at the mysterious hand of our Sovereign Lord and King. His ways are indeed, higher than my ways. He chose to take the Steinkraus family yet allow the Nystrom family to remain, all the while furthering his Kingdom and glorifying himself.

Meet the Waldemar's!

Meet with Waldemar’s. They are urban missionaries with Bethlehem Baptist Church. For a little over a year (I think, I’m not sure exactly), they have been living in the inner city of Minneapolis, just a stone’s throw from the church, building relationships and sharing the Gospel with the urban neighbors around them.

They are a tremendous example of Christ to me, and many others in the Bethlehem community. Not only because of the work that God has done in their family, but also due to their labors for the Gospel in the city. Living for Christ takes on a whole new meaning when you witness a drug deal happen on your door step while your three children are sitting inside, or when you hear the shouts of drunk neighbors at 3 AM and you wonder if this will be the night where you hear the gun shots. City living is never easy, but they do it not to be adventurous, but so the nations will bow the knee and worship Jesus Christ, the Lord of all. They don’t try and dress up the Gospel and make it cool, and they most certainly don’t try and be something that they are not. It is simply pure, fervent, humble Gospel living, and it shows.

For the Waldemar’s, being an urban missionary means eating Afghani pizza and taking food and the Gospel to a homeless person in an abandoned house. I praise God for this family and for the work that they do in Minneapolis. May God be pleased to grant much fruit for his glory and for the joy of the nations!

They also have a blog where they give ministry and family updates. You can visit it here:

http://www.waldemarfamily.blogspot.com/