Our Speech Held Back

I've talked about why I need this exercise in thinking through how I speak. I've also talked about who we are addressing when we use our words for good or for evil. But I've also been convicted lately about the need to restrain my speech. I'm a talker. I like to use my words. When I'm happy, that's a good thing. When I'm angry, not so much. In the heat of an argument or when my feelings are hurt, words fly like fiery daggers. I even would go so far as to say that I feel as if it's my duty to throw words in a moment of rage. If I don't, who will? If I'm offended, who will speak in my defense? If my feelings were hurt or I was wronged in some way, how will that person (namely, my husband) ever know how badly he needs to change if I don't say something right then? So I load the ammunition of words into my mouth and fire away.

My sense of justice is my guide.

But I think scripture provides another, more helpful, way.

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends (Proverbs 17:9).

Now, I am not talking about offenses that are physically harmful, recurring, or out of the ordinary. I'm talking about the day to day offenses that arise because we are sinners trying to live together in a fallen world. The mundane offenses that threaten to undo us. Your husband forgot something important (like planning a date), again. Your wife neglected you after a busy day at work, again. Your roommate went behind your back, again. Your friend talked only about herself, while failing to ask how your difficult situation was going again. All of these offenses are hurtful, sinful, and can damage a relationship. Which is what the writer of Proverbs is getting at.

Suppose your spouse or friend confesses this sin to you. They understand what they did was wrong, yet you still feel the sting of rejection and hurt. What do you do? Do you make them pay with your words? It's an easy out for me. I understand the temptation. But the writer of Proverbs gives us a better way. He tells us that repeating the sin will be the death of the relationship. And who hasn't seen that happen, right? But covering the offense is actually the loving thing to do.

So how do you "cover an offense"? Does simply saying "I forgive you" make it go away? Anyone who has ever tried reconciling knows that doesn't always cut it. Throughout scripture we are given a picture of God covering the offenses of his people. And we feel the tension of the Old Testament when God covered the offenses of the Israelites, yet they continued to go back to their sin. There needed to be a better, more complete covering, to deal with the magnitude of sin. When we are sinned against we feel it, too. I imagine that is why we feel the need to use our own words to wound. In our hurt we want the sinner to pay for what they have done to us, and in our pride we think our words will suffice.

But like the Israelites before us, there is nothing in us that will ever truly cover the offenses done against us and within us. This is why Christ had to come. Unlike the Israelites, we do have a way forward in covering the offenses of others. We live on the other side of the cross. As Paul tells us in Romans 3:25, Christ was our propitiation (our covering) for the sins we have committed (and will commit). It is only through his blood that we can truly be cleansed from our unrighteousness and covered with his righteousness.

So what does the propitiation of Christ have to do with our speech?

Everything.

We can cover the offenses done against us because of the cross. The cross assures us that the sin done against us was paid for by Christ, if the offender is a believer. And if not, the cross assures us that one day Christ will come back and judge that sin on the last day. The bases regarding all sin committed against us are covered. There is nothing left for us to add to it.

This should free us in our conversations with others. When we are hurt, we can forgive because of Christ's blood and coming judgment. When we are offended, we can cover the offense because Christ has either paid for that offense or will judge it one day.

Jesus' blood is powerful enough to cleanse even the greatest offense we endure. He frees us to love, not hate when we are sinned against. He frees us to restrain our words in times of emotional crisis, and use our words for good, not evil. His blood shed for us is the means by which our speech is held back, even when our hearts tell us that our only defense is the dagger of our words. We can choose another way.

Who Our Speech Addresses

I have been really helped by reflecting on the image of God lately. Every human being, male or female, healthy or unhealthy, infant or elderly, bears God's image (Gen. 1:26-27). This has profound implications for how we live. It means that our life has value. It means our gifts and abilities mean something. It means that our very lives tell a story about who God is and what he is like. But it also has implications for our human relationships. We don't murder someone because he or she bears the image of God (Ex. 20:13). We don't abuse someone because he or she bears the image of God.

We also don't use our words to hurt him or her because that person bears the image of God. 

Did you catch that? That's often the hardest to pinpoint in our own lives and also the easiest to forget.

In the heat of the moment it is easy to forget who we are talking to or about. A friend hurts our feelings and all we want to do is vent to another friend about how terribly she has treated us. We want vindication. We want our hurt feelings to be mended. We want someone, anyone, to see that we were wronged. What we really want, is for that friend to pay for what she did. So we talk about her. We malign her character with our wounded pride and heart.

Or maybe you hit things head on. I get that. I'm not one to be afraid of a fight. Your family member says something that bothers you. Maybe he hurts your feelings, too. Or maybe he just misunderstood what you were trying to say, so you push back. But your harmless quip turns into a full blown attack. Next thing you know you are spewing memories of pain from months ago, rather than focusing on the conflict at hand.

Besides the need for serious conflict resolution, what has each person forgotten in each scenario?

There is a person at the other end of their rhetoric. 

Our feelings tell us that our wants, pain, and frustration must be realized in the confrontation or humiliation of the one who wronged us. But our feelings aren't ultimate. Of course, conflict must be resolved. Of course, relationships need to be mended. But always in the context of Jesus' words that we must do to others as we would have done to us (Luke 6:31).

Why does Jesus say it in that way? Because not only does he understand our own inherent need to protect ourselves (which in turn allows us to understand the command), but also because he understands our standing as image bearers. We treat others the same way we would treat our very bodies and souls because we all bear the image of our Creator.

Our words have lasting implications. We can all probably pinpoint, to our shame, a memory where our speech has failed us and painfully failed another. Our speech never falls into an empty void, but always addresses a person. A person created in the image of God.

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This is the first post in an occasional series on speech. I address why I started this series here.

A Series on Speech

I'm a talker. My parents say I haven't stopped talking since I uttered my first words. I'm pretty sure all of my former school teachers and husband would agree. I've been known to get in trouble with my love of talking. From being told to go back to my cubicle at work for talking about "things that weren't work related" to speaking my mind in the heat of an argument, my words can hurt me sometimes. I want to talk well. I want to use my personality, talkative nature, and ability not for my own benefit but for God's glory. He created me, which means he created me with a mouth that likes to move. But I'm also a sinner. Which means, my mouth that likes to move often moves in unhelpful ways.

So in an effort to help myself I'm going to be blogging about speech for a little bit. I will probably interject a random post here and there as ideas move me, but because I learn through writing I'm hoping that this little writing exercise will bear fruit in my life. Maybe you can relate, dear reader. Maybe you, like me, like to move your mouth and want it to move for good and not evil. We are in this together. I hope you will join me for the ride.