Fear and Feminism: A better answer to our fears

Yesterday we looked at how feminism was in part a response to very real fears women faced. Today we will look at how the Bible speaks to those fears and gives us a better answer.

Sarah knew fear, right? She was taken from her homeland and family with no hope of seeing them again (Gen. 11:31). She was barren with no hope of a child (Gen. 11:30). Twice she was given over to a pagan king because her husband feared for his life (Gen. 12:10-20; 20:1-18). And that’s just what the Scriptures tell us. You could say that fear was probably an ever present reality in her life.

What marked Sarah ultimately, and maybe not always in the moment, is her hope in God. Her unwavering belief that God would do what he said, that God would deliver on his promises to her, and that God would never disappoint her. This is why Peter, in 1 Peter 3:1-6 uses her as an example for us to follow, not because she did it perfectly, but because ultimately her hope rested in God alone. We know that she didn't actually do it perfectly. In fact, like us, she gave into her fears on more than one occasion that we know of (Gen. 16; Gen. 18:9-15).

But the context of 1 Peter 3 is a rather fearful one isn’t it? Peter starts by telling women who live with a disobedient or unbelieving husband how they should conduct themselves. He exhorts them to live their lives in such a way that their husbands see the conduct of their character and are won to Christ. A disobedient or unbelieving husband would make any woman feel a little fearful over the future, or even the moment by moment complexities of her day. That is why Peter provides us with an example to follow. He presents his hearers with a woman clearly understood what it meant to live with a husband who was not always obedient to the word, and his hearers would have known that. Then he gives us the punchline, the moment of truth for Christian women threatened by our fears:

And you are her [Sarah’s] children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening (1 Pet. 3:6).

This can encourage us even today. We, too, live in a frightening world. Our sin alone can scare us to the core. But there are countless other earthly realities that threaten our faith daily. I have had two miscarriages, which I’ve talked about before on the blog. One happened while I was writing the book and it was more complicated than we anticipated. It was so difficult that it caused my husband and me to wonder if we would ever try for another baby again. It rocked us and terrified us. I’ve also never had a pregnancy without some type of complication. This one carried minimal risk for a while (it’s resolved now), but it’s still not a normal one. Pregnancy brings out all sorts of fears for me. Will I ever hold Seth? Even as we get everything ready for his arrival, I battle a lingering fear in the back of my mind, will this all be in vain? Will I be stricken with grief again? Maybe your fears are similar, maybe they are different. But the reality of living in a sin-cursed world means there is a lot to be afraid of.

I don’t know what brings out your fears. Maybe it is a husband who doesn’t lead you like he should. Maybe it is the prospect of a life of singleness. Maybe it’s infertility. Maybe it’s a move that is on the horizon. Maybe it is family member who doesn’t know Christ. Maybe you have a difficult child or a difficult job. Maybe your bank account never seems to have enough money in it. Does the thought of your children leaving for college or driving a car for the first time bring you to your knees in fear? Are you fearful over school loans you feel like you will have forever?

The list could go on.

The answer for us all is still the same: We are Sarah’s children, if we hope in God and do not fear anything that is frightening. Feminism can’t remove our fears anymore than it can give us the power and autonomy we crave. It’s all an illusion. What we really need, what stands the test of time, is hoping in the God who knows the end of our circumstances, who is over every detail of our painful, broken lives, and who has promised to always do what is good for us.

It can be frightening to submit to your husband. It can be frightening to give your life to raising children. It can be frightening to face a life of singleness or barrenness. It can be frightening to embrace your season and give up a beloved career, rather than trying to have it all. It can be frightening to go to your job every day when you are regularly left wondering if the job will be there tomorrow. It can be frightening to pour your life into your local church with the gifts God has given you. It can be frightening to love your neighbors and enter their lives. It can be frightening to open your life up to friends, roommates, and family members. Life in a broken world is fraught with risk and fear.

In all of these areas, we are giving ourselves over for the good of another, not us. That is always frightening.

Left to ourselves we should be afraid. Hedged in, protected by our loving creator, we have nothing to fear. Feminism is not the answer to our fears or our deepest longings. Hoping in the God who created us, loves us, and promises us a brighter future is.

We are Sarah's children if we trust in our all powerful, all loving, all wise, and always good God and do not fear anything that is frightening, even the fearful reality of living in a fallen world. 

*If you want more information about how feminism has influenced us as women, you can order The Accidental Feminist on Amazon. 

Fear and Feminism: There is a lot to be afraid of

At the end of this month my first book, The Accidental Feminist: Restoring Our Delight in God’s Good Design, releases. As I anticipate its release, I want to spend some time talking about what we fear. It might seem a little strange to talk about fear in the context of feminism, but I think it has everything to do with feminism’s influence in our lives and the root of feminism itself.

Feminists are strong, right? Feminists are in control of their lives? Feminists believe in girl power?

But I also think feminists (and all women) can be quite fearful.

As I say in my book, God in his good providence has given us our identity as women. He has created us. But in his wisdom he has put us in positions and places in life that can give us cause to fear. In a lot of ways he has made us physically weaker than men. Who hasn’t walked to their car in a dark parking lot with their keys out ready to jump in their car as fast as possible? We live in a scary world. He has put us in positions of submission that are designed for our good, but also make us vulnerable. I’m not saying it’s easy to submit to your husband all of the time. It’s not. Sometimes husbands don’t lead like they should. Sometimes husbands sin against us. I’m also not saying it’s easy being a woman in a sin-cursed world. It’s not. Throughout much of the world women are in very difficult, and terrifying, positions of vulnerability—and often at the hands of men. This is not a new occurrence. Women have been in fearful situations since sin entered the world.

But what feminism tried to do was empower women to rise above their circumstances in their own strength, in many ways owing to these very fears of vulnerability. We are met with similar fears today, aren’t we? We all have something to fear, and God knows that. So did countless women who have gone before us.

And in a lot of ways, fear is the great leveler isn’t it? The early feminists, had a lot to fear didn’t they? They had no real ability to protect themselves from unfaithful husbands, a government that provided them with no safety net, or their children being sent into factories. They had no real voice in society. The second wave feminists had their own set of fears, right? Left to the boredom of their house, children, and husbands, they feared losing themselves and their identity. We all fear something and we all look for answers to our fears in a number of ways. Feminism answered the fears that women faced by putting women in control of their own destiny, by making women the final authority in their lives. And it’s easy to do isn’t it? We feel like if we have some semblance of control than we can’t be hurt, we can’t be disappointed, or we can’t be given over to our fears. But, friends, this is never the answer. The answer to our fears isn’t in women’s empowerment or even in good leadership. In our sinful self-reliance, we want to believe that we can protect ourselves from our fears. But there is a better answer to our fears than feminism, self-protection, or even a society that believes in the dignity and value of women (which is a good thing!). We will look at that in my next post.

*If you are interested in learning more about how feminism has influenced us, you can order my book on Amazon.

Four Feminist Myths

The last couple of months have been filled with trying to get ready for the release of my first book, The Accidental Feminist: Restoring Our Delight in God's Good Design. It's hard to believe it's almost here (it officially releases May 31)! I had the opportunity to speak both at Southern Seminary and my church (Midtown Baptist Church) on how feminism has influenced us as women and how God provides us with a better answer than feminism. Instead of trying to retell the entire book, I focused on four feminist myths and provided their biblical counter-examples.

1. I define myself
2. I can have it all
3. A husband and children can wait
4. The teaching gifts are ultimate

If you want to hear the messages in their entirety (and know the biblical counter-examples) you can listen here and here. I also spend some time talking about how feminism in a lot of ways is a response to real fears that women face. I hope to come back to that on the blog as we get closer to the release of the book. In the meantime, if you are interested, you can pre-order the book now on Amazon or directly from Crossway.

Women Are No Threat to Me

In my single days, my roommates and I kept an article from John Piper on our refrigerator as a daily reminder to fight the sin of comparison. I was reminded of it last week as we wrapped up our summer bible study on John with the women of our church. As Peter has just been restored to fellowship with Christ, he is immediately pulled into the comparison game as he looks at his fellow disciple, John. Piper says this about Peter's question to Jesus.

That’s the way we sinners are wired. Compare. Compare. Compare. We crave to know how we stack up in comparison to others. There is some kind of high if we can just find someone less effective than we are. Ouch. To this day, I recall the little note posted by my Resident Assistant in Elliot Hall my senior year at Wheaton: “To love is to stop comparing.” What is that to you, Piper? Follow me.

Comparison is such a besetting issue for us as women. We see a woman dressed differently than us and we mentally stand next to her and boast in our attractiveness or wallow in how much better she looks. We see another mother with her children and compare our parenting skills, or lack of skills. We see a wife love her husband well and measure our relationship next to hers. We see a co-worker excel at a particular task and wonder why we can't work with the same speed and precision. Or to hit it home for me, I read another writer and feel stings of comparison as her perfectly crafted sentences make mine look like the work of an amateur.

The business of comparison is a dirty one.

But I was struck by something else as I studied this last part of John, something that put my own struggles with comparison in perspective. Peter and John both served very necessary, yet unique purposes in the establishment of the church. John lived a long life and wrote a number of New Testament books. Peter was at the forefront of the spread of the church (through much persecution) and according to tradition, was crucified upside down. Both lives looked very different. But both were needed in God's kingdom.

The same is true for us as writers, women, mothers, wives, employees, and church members. As a writer, I may say something in such a way that a specific woman has ears to hear. Land a different woman's eyes on my written words and she may need the voice of another friend of mine, who writes in a different voice. Both voices are necessary, both styles get the point across, but everyone has different ears to hear in different situations. We are all necessary.

In the writing world it can be easy to compare our own abilities and accomplishments with the woman next to us (or to put it more clearly, on the Internet page next to us). But we mustn't do that, friends. Like Peter and John, we have been given unique abilities, voices, and styles to minister to women who need to see that God's word is true and valuable in their lives. The woman who writes with more wit or careful turning of a phrase than me is not a threat to my gifting, but a blessing. She helps others see God when my words fall short. That is a gift! She is a service to the church in the same way I am called to be. I can lean on her and learn from her, but I should never resent her.

There is much to celebrate in this particular season with the multitude of women writers. I am encouraged by so many of them. As Christian women, who long to see God glorified in our lives, let us take the words of our Christ to heart when we feel the sting of jealousy rise up in our hearts over the giftings of another:

"What is that to you [sister]? You follow me."

For the Sad Mother's Day

Mother's Day is right around the corner. With all of the advertising and social media hype, it's easy to think that Mother's Day is a day where everyone is celebrating with smiles on their faces and children in their arms. But maybe that is not you at all. Maybe the talk about Mother's Day makes you want to crawl into a corner and hide there until Sunday passes. I have a feeling you are not the only one. While many women will be celebrating Mother's Day this coming Sunday with much to be thankful for, the reality is that there are an equal number of (if not more) women walking into the day with nothing more than utter dread.

Perhaps you just lost a child or can't get pregnant at all. Or maybe you recently lost your own mother. Mother's Day just feels to painful for you. It's a glaring reminder of the ache in your soul. Maybe your children aren't rising up to call you blessed, even after all you do for them. Instead they spit their breakfast on your church clothes, tell you they hate you, or disobey when you are trying to take a family picture. Mother's Day makes you feel like a Proverbs 31 failure. Or maybe your husband recently left you or he is prone to forget that Mother's Day is supposed to be a day where you are taken care of, not the other way around. You are again confronted with the prospect that no one is going to recognize your efforts on Mother's Day and it all feels in vain.

Mother's Day, with all its Hallmark celebration, is sometimes a big slap in the face to the brokenhearted mom. And even if you aren't in the midst of grave difficulty right now, Mother's Day isn't always filled with the endless amounts of appreciation we hope for or feel entitled to.

So what are we to do when Mother's Day is less than what we hope for? Or worse, what are we to do when Mother's Day is a dark holiday for us, not a joyous one?

Consider these words from Psalm 34:18-19

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted 

and saves the crushed in spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,  

but the LORD delivers him out of them all. 

Do you hear what God is saying to you this Mother's Day? He is not far off from you. He has not forgotten how you labor and care for your children. He has not forgotten your desperate prayers for an open womb. He has not forgotten the agonizing tears of grief you have cried over a wayward child. He has not forgotten how you work for your family in the midst of trying times. He has not forgotten that you are doing this whole parenting thing all alone. Everyone else may forget to honor you this day, but God sees you. It is not lost on him.

And when your heart breaks over your circumstances, especially as you see the myriad of families celebrating this Mother's Day, remember this, dear sister: God is near to you. When Mother's Day hurts it is easy to draw the conclusion that no one is near to you, especially not the Creator of the universe. But that cannot be further from the truth. Is your spirit crushed this Mother's Day? God's word says he will save you out of the soul crushing grief you are experiencing. Is your heart broken this Mother's Day? God's word says he will draw near to you. Are your afflictions more than you can count? God's words says he will deliver you out of every last one of them.

Dear brokenhearted sister, know that you are not forgotten this Mother's Day.

Biblical Womanhood is Practical Theology

The women of our church recently finished a bible study on the book of James. Like the other studies we have done, this one proved fruitful in our lives and conversation. As we completed the study on Thursday night, this theme kept running through my head:

"A heart changed by Christ means a life changed by Christ."

What do I mean? James has gotten a bad rap over the years. Some have seen him as too practical. Too works focused. But as we studied this helpful book, we found rich truths and Christ-focused exhortation. We didn't hear "law." We heard "Christ." James is practical. James does deal with everyday issues that we face as Christians. Things like suffering, financial blessing or hardship, favoritism, and our speech. How many times have you wondered how the gospel of Jesus Christ applied to one of those particular issues? I know I have. The overarching theme of James is that Christians should look markedly different than the world, and nowhere is this more difficult to live out than in the myriad of issues I just mentioned. It is hard to trust Christ in the midst of suffering. It is hard to see Jesus as your treasure when the treasures of this world are piling up all around you. It is hard to control your tongue and see those around you as image bearers, not your own personal punching bags. You see where I am going with this? A changed life has implications. The life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ means something for how we go about our daily lives. We should look different.

But we need theology, you might say. We need to treasure Christ. We don't need more rules.

And I get that. I really do. Legalism is a death sentence for faith. But legalism, as I have said before, is not the same as James saying "faith without works is dead." Legalism is saying "faith is dead" and "works make you alive." James ties them both together (faith and works) to give us a better, more biblical picture. James gets that works don't save you, but he also gets that faith means something--namely that it should produce good works. It should lead to faithfulness.

So what does this have to do with biblical womanhood?

Everything.

If a life changed by Christ has implications, then it most certainly has implications for us as women. While James never touches on gender roles or manhood and womanhood, he does show us that our theology should impact our practice. Our knowledge should lead to a practical theology of living. As women, this means that our lives should look different than the world around us. How we work in our jobs should look different than the cutthroat world around us. How we treat our husbands should look different than the male-bashing world around us. How we view our children should look different than a world around us that sees children as a nuisance and expendable. How we serve our church should look different than a world that says "my glory is what matters most." How we respond to singleness should look different than a world that says your single years are for your own self-exploration and fun. Biblical womanhood is not the gospel, and you will never hear me say that. But biblical womanhood is only possible in the life of a woman who has been freed by the gospel. Biblical womanhood is theology in practice. It is believing that we are created as image bearers. It is believing that being female matters in God's economy. It is believing that our gender tells a beautiful story about our Creator.

James, like the rest of the New Testament writers, believed that our theology mattered. But he didn't stop there. And neither do they. The New Testament writers understood that theology will always lead us to fruitful living. They got that from Jesus, who told us that if we abide in him, we will bear fruit (John 15:1-11). As we grow in godliness we will grow in how we look to a watching world. We should increasingly look different as we abide in the One who looked so different they killed him.

I don't teach and study what it means to be a woman simply for biblical womanhood's sake. I do so because I believe that a changed life means something, and nowhere do we see that in more stark contrast with the world than in our understanding of men and women.

Why I Will Keep Talking About Biblical Womanhood

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching an interview with music artist, Pharrell. Known for his musical genius, he again was in the news with the launch of his newest album, GIRL. I have not heard the album, so I can’t speak to its content. But his comments about the album struck me more than anything else. When asked why he felt the need to do an entire album devoted solely to women, he remarked that he loves women. Women are valuable. Women are great. And the fact that women face so much inequality in the world, he felt it was the least he could do. I get that. I was tracking with him there. But he went on. He talked about pay inequity and limits on their ability to choose what they want to do with their own bodies. He even put his crusade for women in the same category as gay and lesbian rights. He essentially said that in 2014 America, we have no right to tell people how they should live or who they should love, and women get the worst of it in his opinion.

As I listened to his rant about equality and freedom, I kept thinking that he spoke with such authority. No one else can be his authority, or your authority, but even in his cry for independence he was speaking as one with authority. I was struck by how we really are doing what is right in our own eyes in 2014 America. No one has the right to tell us how to live. No one has the right to say anything is absolutely true. Your truth is your truth and my truth is my truth.

And that is why I won’t stop talking about biblical womanhood. Why, you say? What does Pharrell have to do with biblical womanhood? Because as long as the culture feeds us an image of women that is contrary to God’s word, I will keep talking about biblical womanhood. As long as little boys and girls grow up thinking that it doesn’t matter if you are a boy or a girl, I will keep talking about biblical womanhood. As long as women (young and old) continue to believe that sex and flaunting their body is what makes them valuable and attractive, I will keep talking about biblical womanhood. As long as we continue to think that equality as image bearers means sameness of roles, I will keep talking about biblical womanhood.

Because at the end of the day it’s not about biblical womanhood at all. It is about the authority of God’s word. Do we believe it to be true? Do we believe God has really spoken and we can take him at his word? Or do we need a new interpretation or a new vision for a new day? We can’t move on from God’s word. We can’t graduate to something more compelling or culturally relevant. I have heard it said that women need theology, not more teaching on gender roles. I get that. I really do. Women need theology, that is absolutely certain. And more of it. But understanding how God wants us to live in this broken, sin-cursed world is theology in practice. It’s the theological legs to a body and head filled with knowledge. Biblical womanhood is theology in practice.

It really isn’t a new notion to ask the question, “who has the authority to tell us how to live?” We’ve been asking it since our first parents believed those very words breathed out by the Enemy. The cultural questioning of authority is really a questioning of God’s authority, asking if God can really be trusted.

So I will not pack up and go home on the biblical womanhood front. I know a lot of good friends who aren’t willing to do so either. We are here for the long haul. It’s not because I like a good fight. It’s not because I want to enter into endless debates about the meaning of headship. I really don’t. It is precisely because the world around us is telling a story about womanhood that is contrary to God’s word. And we know a better way forward. Every day we encounter women who are broken and battered by a world that is telling them lies about what it means to be a woman, and we know the Great Physician who not only can heal them of their sins, but also show them why they were created in the first place. Every day we hear lies about God’s image and his rightful authority over his creation, and we know the truth. These aren’t silly arguments that evangelicals like to get into. They are eternal matters that tell a story about our creator, God.

Pharrell is right. Women are good for society. But it is precisely because they bear the image of the One who created them that they bring value to this world. Women have value because they image Another. They point to God and his glory displayed in his creation. And that, my friends, is why womanhood matters. 

What is True Beauty?

I don't know about you, but I struggle with the way I look way too frequently. Even before I had the twins, I was constantly worried about if my hair looked good enough, if I looked thin enough, if my outfit was cute enough. It's an endless race that no one ever wins. The grass is always greener on the other side and we are never satisfied with what we have been given. And that's just plain wrong. I will be the first to raise my hand of confession and say that I have idolized the world's definition of beauty for far too long and it has to stop. In God's providence, this helpful book came in the mail a few weeks ago, and it rocked me to the core.

True Beauty by Carolyn Mahaney and Nicole Whitacre is a breath of fresh air to a beauty obsessed soul. If you struggle with what stares back at you in the mirror every morning or feel yourself fighting comparison when you walk into a room full of well-dressed ladies, this book is for you. But if you also want to know what God's version of beauty is and how you can have it, this book is right up your alley. I was so encouraged by this little book. I happened to be recovering from surgery right around the time it arrived, so I finished it in 24 hours. It's that good, friends. I leave you with a few quotes to whet your reading appetite.

"True beauty is to behold and reflect the beauty of God" (p. 35).

"Feelings of inadequacy about our appearance often arise because we feel we deserve better than what we have" (p. 39). Ouch! But so true!

"Some of us may parade our beauty for our own glory. Some of us may brood and worry over glory unattained. Most of us do a little of both. But whenever we try to get attention and admiration for our own beauty--whether or not we are successful--we are robbing God of the glory that only he deserves" (p. 42).

"If our diets and workouts become all about our appearance and how others view us, we are chasing self-glory, and not giving glory to God" (p. 55).

"A gentle and quiet spirit is not a personality trait. It is the quality of a woman who meets adversity--slander, sickness, rejection, and loss--with a calm confidence in God" (p. 81).

"Though many women become hard and bitter as they grow old, a woman who trusts God, who pursues a gentle and quiet spirit through the many trials and temptations in her life, grows more radiant and lovely, even as she wastes away. Her beauty is an imperishable beauty, after all. This is the powerful, living paradox of true beauty" (p. 92).

A New Year of Projects

I waited a little bit to announce this because I wanted to get my bearings about it all before I started spreading the news. We had a whirlwind of a Fall and holiday season, so the excitement about what our future holds just got swept up in the excitement of buying a house, moving, and traveling for Christmas. But here we are. It is January and the reality is starting to set in that this is really happening.

So what is it?

I am writing a book!

In June of last year (2013) I was contacted, much to my surprise, by a literary agent. At the time I was in the thick of little babies and sleepless nights, so while I shared my ideas for a book project with him, I didn't think much of it. In August, he contacted me again and said that his team would like to work with me to get this book published. To make a long, drawn out story short, in November I signed with Crossway. And so began this crazy journey.

The truth is, this book has been on my heart for a long time. It all began with an article I wrote six and a half years ago on recovering from feminism. Over these years, the Lord has brought people along my path who have encouraged me to turn the idea of the article into a book. So little by little I plugged along at a proposal, always thinking that this was a very distant future project, not a right now one. God had other plans and we couldn't be more excited. I say "we" because this is definitely a family project. Daniel has been so very supportive and encouraging of my writing and we are looking forward to seeing what God does through this little endeavor.

So call me crazy, but that is what our 2014 holds. The manuscript is due June 1, so I better get to writing! My prayer for this book is that God would use it to encourage many women to see that God's plan for womanhood is for them, regardless of their station, season, or position in life. He had a good purpose when he created us as female. And I am looking forward to discovering the beauty of his design with those who read.

And if you think about it, you can pray for me. I have a lot of work to do!

Embracing the Seasons

A few months ago I read an article about women who use pictures of their children for their Facebook profile. The author saw this as a step down for women who once were possibly prosperous, individuals in our society. Now they are simply relegated to their children. Their children define them. Their online identity is their children. What once stood as a testimony to their interests, dreams, and personality has now been invaded by a little person in diapers. Their conversations, which were once intelligent and deep, now consist of sleep schedules, teething, and diaper rash.

While I agree that our children, career, friends, or husbands should never be where our identity is found, I was troubled by her assertion that these women were in some way "letting down the team." Women have a variety of seasons over the course of their lives. Some seasons are "productive" in that we bring in income, complete a variety of projects, and have a full social calendar. Others are seemingly less "productive", but looks can be deceiving. As Christians, we should be careful that we not define fruitfulness by tangible results and productivity, per se. A young mom might not check much off her to-do list on any given day, but her work in her home is sowing seeds that will, Lord willing, one day produce a harvest of righteousness. A pregnant mom might once have had the energy to engage in deep conversations at the end of the day, where as now all she can do is give her friends an update on the morning sickness.

What the author failed to acknowledge is that women, unlike men, have fairly defined seasons in their lives. My husband is not, nor can he be, pregnant. And while this pregnancy has certainly impacted him, he can still do the majority of the things he did before we were pregnant. He doesn't have to pack extra snacks wherever he goes. He doesn't have to put his feet up at the end of the day. He doesn't have to rest more frequently.

I do. My body is not my own now and won't be for a very long time. Pretending like this is not the case is to deny the very clear biological and emotional differences between my husband and myself.

It took me a long time to come to terms with the reality of living a seasonal life. When we first got married I struggled with the sudden changes that my life underwent. My single life was easier and more carefree. Now I had a husband to love and care for. When I was dealing with the side effects of some treatment, I struggled with the fact that I couldn't do all that I wanted to do. I was limited, but only for a season. When I first got pregnant I was pretty much dead to the world for about 17 weeks. But again, it was only a season. Now I have a little more energy, but still not as much. When the twins come it will be another season of change and adjustment.

I think that part of the reason we face seasons in much greater measure as women is because it allows us to adapt to the ever changing needs of our husbands and families. When I resist these changes, I am actually resisting the One who created me and the season I am in. There will be a day where I am not limited by my growing belly, but then it will be a new season with new joys and new limitations.

The world doesn't understand this. As the article I read articulated, our sinful nature is self-seeking. To give your life for another is a foreign and ridiculous concept. But that is what we are called to as women, and as Christians, really. Every single day, whether you are married, single, pregnant, or caring for multiple children, is an opportunity to embrace the season that God has placed you in, recognizing that it is only that--a season. Like all seasons, it will end, only to be met by another one. And each one is a precious gift from God.

Why We Can't (and Shouldn't) Always Be Productive

Every young women has probably had it said to her on at least one occasion, “make sure you pursue your dreams now, because once you get married (or have children) you will no longer be able to get as much done.”

In some ways this is what Paul had in mind when he talked about the single person being free to minister, while the married one is divided in her pursuits. But often when we hear people talk about marriage and children it is with a negative bent. Divided attention hampers productivity. And in our industrious society, what you produce is what defines you and gives you value.

The culture would have us believe that marriage is the end of all aspirations and productivity. You are now tied down. You aren’t free. You now answer to someone other than yourself. While marriage does limit the freedom of doing things on a whim and working until midnight every night, marriage also gives us a really important thing that God desires for us—greater personal holiness.

Suddenly, I can’t do everything I want to do all of the time. And that is a very good thing sometimes. Marriage has made me get outside of myself and examine my priorities. Marriage has made me die to my idols of productivity that hinder me from loving my husband more than I love my pursuits. Marriage has revealed just how utterly selfish I am about “my time.” Marriage is the God-ordained institution that points to the relationship between Christ and the Church. Completing my endless to-do list does not.

As created beings we were made to be productive and to work hard for God’s glory. But this is not the only thing we were created for, as much as our western world would have us believe otherwise. We were also created for relationships with friends, family, spouses, and children, and more importantly, a relationship with our Savior. It is through these relationships that I am stripped of my sin and idolatry. It is through these relationships that I am able to see Christ in greater measure. These are realities that a solitary pursuit of my own perfect productivity can never create.

Like I said, in the relationship of marriage I have to die to self, serve, and love another person. It’s not always pay raises and glory, but it’s good. It pays much greater dividends in the long run. And while I am still thankful for the days where I can get my to-do list completely checked off, I am learning to be much more thankful for the moments of relational intimacy that marriage provides. Productivity and relationships are not in competition with one another. They both are necessary in God’s economy. And they both can easily become idols if we are not careful.

And now that I am married I am on the other end of the advice giving to young women. The next time I feel tempted to imply that your dreams of productivity are over once you get married, I will stop myself. Marriage and family are not the dashing of our dreams; rather they are the reorientation of these dreams. Through marriage and family our aspirations and desire for productivity are tempered and sanctified by the beauty of living life with another person. And that is a very good thing.

I Want it All

There has been a lot of talk lately about whether or not women can have it all, and by all people usually mean work full time as a mother. But all this talk about what a woman can or cannot do in her various seasons of life can be applied to any age, any marital status, and any amount of children in the home. A recent Forbes article states that young women today don’t feel as inclined towards leadership because of fear of failure. They have been told their entire lives that they can have it all, and unfortunately they have heard that they must be it all. The author says:

 

 

“The recent debate over ‘having it all’ underscores the pressure women put themselves under to perfectly excel in all conceivable areas of our lives.”

I’m sure we can all relate at some level.

We see a woman work a forty-hour work week, serve her church with gusto, and still get a decent meal on the table nearly every night, and then feel like a failure when we burst into tears just trying to boil water at the end of a full day of work. “If she can do it all, why can’t I?” we wonder silently. So we work harder. Try to do more.

Or maybe you have kids, and you see a mom whose kids are always clean, always happy, and always eating the healthiest food. Yet you consider getting a shower before 3pm a tremendous accomplishment in the midst of your busy days with toddlers. Are you doing enough?

To make it more personal (at least for me), you see a writer who can crank out multiple life-changing articles a week, while you are still struggling to finish the one that’s due tomorrow. Why can’t you do more for the kingdom?

The real issue is not so much about doing it all, as it is about being faithful with what is in front of you. A lot could be said about the wisdom of trying to be all things to all people, but that is another post for another day. More than anything, this pressure to have it all and still have a smile on your face at the end of the day is often self-made pressure rooted in unhelpful comparison.

One thing that has taken me a long time to figure out is that all of us have limitations and thresholds. They vary from person to person, and even from season to season, but they are there. There are things that I cannot do if I have too much on my plate. To some people, I might look like I am doing it all. To others I might look like a complete failure. The point is that we are all called to faithfulness with what we have been given. God has created some people with remarkable energy levels. They can accomplish a lot in a day. You probably know some of them. But he has also created some with lesser energy levels. Both types of people are useful in God’s economy. He has created some people with an incredible capacity for efficiency in a short period of time. Yet others take longer to complete a task. Both are fruitful people in their season and capacity level.

The demands of “having it all” that we place on ourselves as women are not simply relegated to the feminist conversations or the corporate boardrooms. They are warring in our own soul every day when we see the tasks set before us.

The only hope for us in the vicious quest to have it all is to recognize that we cannot have it all, not even in the slightest. There will always be more things to do, more meals to make, more square feet to clean, more articles to write, more business deals to make, and the list could go on. The only one who ever gets his to-do list done is God. And the only one who ever perfectly completed every task every set before him on this earth is his son, Jesus. And you know what? He is sitting down now. Which means we can, too. Jesus ensures that our endless pursuit of the next thing does not have to be our destiny. Jesus ensures that our striving to have it all does not have to rule us. And he ensures that our sinful comparison of our life to the woman standing next to us will have no dominion over us.

When we face another day of not being able to have all we wish for, we must look to Jesus. He did it all for us, so we don’t have to be a slave to our work, whatever that work might be. We can live each day in freedom, knowing that God is well pleased with us because he is well pleased with his son, Jesus. We can do our work with joy, and not anxiety, because we know that our ultimate fulfillment is found not in the praise of men but the praise of God.

Women can’t really have it all, any more than men can. It’s all an illusion. Only one person has ever had it all, and he gives it freely to us if we simply rest in him.

Trusting What a List Can't Tell You

In college I had a list. You probably know the one I’m talking about. It was the list. The list that promised me I could (and would) find the man of my dreams. The list that held every quality I desired in a husband. The list that I tucked away for that special day—the day I met him and we lived happily ever after.

I remember exactly where I was when I made that list. Over dinner with girlfriends we carefully crafted our lists. We talked through a variety of qualities, goals, and personality traits from the necessity of humor to ministry aspirations. The list was long and broad even down to the color of his hair. I liked brown hair.

But what my 21-year-old self failed to realize at that moment, and in the passing years, was that over time my list slowly began to look like a male version of me. In my feeble mind, the perfect man was everything I was, only he carried a Y chromosome. He needed to be serious, but not too serious. He needed to be a deep thinker, but not too deep. He needed to be a stronger personality than me (and I defined what strong looked like). He needed to be this and that…and the list went on. Every guy I met in those early days was subject to the list. If he didn’t meet the requirements, he didn’t get very far with me. In my mind, my list was infallible, a sort of “word from the Lord.” I heard stories of women who met their husbands, and then after checking him against the list realized that he met every bullet point. I wanted that to be my story, too. And that was my problem.

You see, a list might tell you what you want. But it might not always tell you what you need. This is where God comes in.

Tim Keller, in his excellent book The Meaning of Marriage, says that marriage is ultimately about our holiness, not our happiness. Yes, marriage makes us happy. But it also is one of the God-ordained means that we grow in godliness.

If the purpose of marriage is to make us perfectly happy, then maybe the list could work. But that's not what marriage is for, as Keller says. My husband is exactly who I didn't know I needed. And my life is better because of him. When he proposed to me, I hardly knew him. We had only been dating for a few short months. I knew some important things about him, like the fact that he was a Christian, a leader, and a godly man. But besides that, there were some things about him that I thought weren’t exactly on my list. Yet, there was something about him that drew me to him and made me desire to follow him and be with him. In the bliss and hype of planning a wedding I put my expectations aside and accepted all of him. Unfortunately, after we got married those dormant expectations came out with a vengeance. While there were some “list” qualities that didn’t emerge until after we were married (like his humor), there were some irrelevant ones that were simply absent. And I did not always respond well to their absence.

I did not fully understand that my husband was given to me by God as a gift. When God created both of us, he knew what the other would need. When I learned to get over my preconceived expectations and started embracing him for the God-given husband that he is, I noticed something about myself. Not only was I growing in godliness, but I was happier as well.

Keller also says that we need to spend more time focusing on being the right person, instead of finding the right person. Basically, we need to spend more time focusing on ourselves than on the endless quest for Mr. or Miss Right. Instead of honing in on a list of expectations that no person can ever adequately meet, stick to the essentials and grow as a believer first. So I guess what I’m saying is throw out the list (or at least pare it down), and get to work. Grow in godliness. Grow as a Christian. Grow as a committed church member. Those things will serve you far more in your quest for finding that special someone than perfecting your list.

I wish I had spent more time on the above than dreaming about a list before I got married. I needed to trust what I list could never tell me, essentially that God perfectly created my husband for my good and my sanctification. God is in the business of making marriages and sustaining them. And while my husband does possess some qualities of that list I made all those years ago (at least the ones I can remember), he has a lot of other really good ones I never thought about. And yes, he does have brown hair.

What Does it Mean to Be "Pro-Woman"?

There is a lot swirling around in the media these days about whether political candidates are “pro-woman.” So much so that some of even labeled this political season as being about the “war on women.” And honestly, it’s hard to decipher what is true and what is for show. Who really cares about women? What about their personal lives? Does it matter if they have been unfaithful? These are questions go back much farther than just this political race.

Unfortunately, in our culture the litmus test for being pro-woman is a stellar voting record for things like healthcare (i.e. abortion rights), equal pay, and the like. It doesn’t matter that they cheat on their wives or use women for sex. Or does it?

In God’s economy being pro-woman means a lot more than checking “yes” on a voting ballot or raising your hand in affirmation on the Senate floor. Anyone can do that. Being pro-woman means first embracing women as equals, namely treating them as such. And it’s hard to treat a woman as an equal when you only talk to her when you want your sexual needs met. Then she’s not an equal, she’s a commodity.

To value women means seeing them as important in every stage of life, from conception to death. To value women means loving one woman faithfully in the covenant of marriage for a lifetime. To value women means refusing to capitulate to a culture that sees plastic as beautiful.

We can talk about women’s rights all day without really ever getting to the heart of the matter. I’m thankful that I can vote. I’m thankful that I can own property if I want to. I’m thankful that I get paid the same as my male counterparts at school. I’m thankful for the education I have received. But in all honesty, I feel the most valued within the four walls of my house. Within God’s good design he created men, women, and marriage with a plan and a purpose. And there is no place that I am more loved and appreciated than when my husband treats me as his equal, his friend, and his partner for a lifetime.

Political ideologies don’t make anyone pro-woman. The real test of whether a man values a woman is seen in the trenches of everyday life, not in stump speeches and ad campaigns. The pro-woman rhetoric we hear daily on the news is just that—empty words.

If you want to know if a man is pro-woman look no further than his own household. Paul knew this clearly when he told Timothy that a man who fails to provide for his family was worse than an unbeliever, and while it is impossible for a man to truly live this out if he is not a believer, God’s standard is still his standard. He is the creator of both men and women, and he gets to decide how we live. This is the litmus test for his beliefs on women. This is how we know if he values the fairer sex. It is only in the daily sacrifice and servant leadership displayed in quiet corners of his sphere of influence that we can truly know if he is pro-woman.

Help a Younger Sister Out

Before I got married, and shortly after, I was regularly told by older couples to enjoy the happy moments of wedded bless because it won’t last. One couple even told us that after we had been married as long as they had (three years) all the excitement would wane and we would be just another married couple like them, hardly touching, bickering constantly, and doing our own separate things.
 
I don’t think we were alone. I know a number of other young couples, parents-to-be, and wives who have heard similar pieces of advice from other well-meaning older people. While there is a balance to giving a realistic understanding of marriage for young couples, there is a point where realism turns into fatalism and then we are left wondering why all the young people don’t want to get married anymore.

Marriage is tainted by sin, there is no denying that. But marriage is not bad, boring, and a chore. Or at least it doesn’t have to be. As a younger woman, speaking on behalf of younger women everywhere, I have a simple request to older women who are reading. Can you help us?

We want to believe that marriage is better than the alternative. We want to believe that the day we say “I do” is not the final stamp on the good life. We want to believe that children won’t ruin our bodies, aspirations, marriages, and sex lives. Yes, we want reality. But we want to know that there is at least some hope of going up from here, not down. We want to know that when we read in the Bible that he has a plan for marriage and family and that it means good things in our life now, and that we will enjoy fulfillment in living out our design as women.

The culture tells us that fun relationships, good sex, and dreams only happen for those who are single with no kids. Unfortunately, a lot of people in the church tell us the same thing for those who are young married couples with no kids. A lot of us have heard “enjoy your marriage now before you have kids,” or “someday you won’t like him as much as you do now.”

But I imagine this is hardly what Paul had in mind when he told Titus to have the older women teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children, among other things. Older women have a unique and God-ordained opportunity to teach good things to the next generation, and one of them pertains to their marriage and family. There is a reason Paul tells Titus specifically to have the older women teach these things. Unfortunately, loving my husband and (future) children does not come naturally. I am a sinner. Older women have a unique ability to help younger women in this calling because they have lived it. They have lived through the hardship, sleepless nights, fights, financial struggles, misunderstandings, and lack of feelings. They know what it feels like to have the feelings fade for their husband. They know what it feels like when God works in their marriage and restores it tenfold. They have perspective. And that is what we are desperate to see in the older women around us.

And there is a point to all of this—that the word of God would not be reviled. When older women fail to teach younger women the ways of God the world looks more attractive, and God’s plan for marriages looks like pure boredom. But when older women teach what is good to the younger women in their lives, God is glorified and we are strengthened.

If you are an older woman passing on these truths to the next generation, I praise God for you. We need you, we celebrate you, and we want to be like you someday. We younger women need help to get to the finish line of this journey before us. And we can’t do it without bold, older women teaching us that all this messy stuff is good and worth it, and one day it will come out as gold.

After Three Years of Marriage: Love is Unconditional

One of the benefits of reflecting on the past year is that it affords me the opportunity to see areas where I need to continue to grow. It also reminds me of the importance of my role as a wife. Carolyn Mahaney has taught me so much (through her writing and speaking, of course) about God’s design for me as a woman and as a wife. The last few days I have been listening to some of her messages and in her message “Loving Your Husband” on Titus 2:3-5 she highlights two things that were really convicting to me:

1. Loving my husband like Paul talks about is a learned behavior, not what comes naturally to me.
2. Loving my husband like Paul talks about is not contingent on my husband’s treatment of me or his meeting of all of my expectations.

First, Paul exhorts the older women to teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children. The idea of teaching implies that one is not an expert at the subject matter. You don’t have to teach a young woman how to love her husband if she is already good at it. The truth is we are not naturally inclined to love our husbands in the way that Paul is talking about here. Mahaney explains that this form of love that Paul speaks of is a warm, affectionate love, not a love mainly expressed through action. Yes, we can serve our husbands and take care of them, but as Carolyn so helpfully says, we can do all of these things without having any affectionate feelings towards them. Often I find myself loving my husband in ways that I think he needs to be loved (i.e. serving him, doing things for him, etc.) rather than really working hard at getting to know him and love him as my dearest friend and lover. This is why the older women are commanded to teach the younger women how to love their husbands. They have walked the road of marriage. They have years of experience in failure and success. And more importantly, they have seen Christ’s transforming work in their own life and in their marriage. This is the basis of their wisdom and experience. And they can transfer that knowledge to the younger women around them. Because of sin, I am naturally inclined to love my husband in my own selfish way, which leads me to my next point.

Second, loving my husband is not based on his performance as a husband. Loving him, submitting to him, and respecting him as my God-given partner should not be withheld in the moments when he is failing me as a godly leader and spouse. My love for him is (and should be) unconditional. I married a sinner. And I know he married a sinner. If Paul wanted loving my husband to be contingent on his behavior towards me he would have put a clause in this verse in Titus 2. But he didn’t. For a long time I have pretended like that little clause is actually there in Scripture. I withhold respect and trust in Daniel because he is not doing what I want him to do. I treat him with contempt because he is not meeting my expectations. I ignore biblical truth about soft answers and humility because I sense that my needs are not being met by him. What I have had to learn is that my expectations are not ultimate, nor are they always accurate. Yes, my husband has responsibilities before the Lord, but so do I. And Jesus makes it very clear that I must deal with my own heart, sin, and actions before I get in my husband’s face about what he is not doing right (Matt. 7:1-5; Luke 6:39-42). Failure to do this on my part has actually revealed my own idolatry more than I care to admit at times.

The reality is that marriage is a daily exercise in self-sacrifice. Sometimes I have to sacrifice my expectations and desires in order to serve my husband and point him towards the Savior. Sometimes he must do the same for me. When I love my husband and submit to his leadership regardless of how he is acting I am actually closer to the path of Christ than if I spent my time stewing over his imperfections and failures. Christ has paid for every failure of leadership on the part of my husband in the same way that he has paid for every unkind word, idolatrous desire, and hateful reaction towards my husband on my part. When I withhold love from my husband because of his sin, I am actually saying more about my unbelief in the Gospel’s power in his life than I am about my husband’s behavior.

Christ’s love for us is unconditional. There is nothing we can do that can change his love for us. It is based on the merit of his shed blood on our behalf. And our marriages, which are meant to image the beautiful relationship our Savior has with his Bride (us), are to be rooted in the same type of unconditional, covenant keeping love. It’s the covenant and commitment that enables me to love my husband. But even more than that, it’s the cross of Christ that proves to me that this love is even possible. Jesus made a way for me to love my husband so that God will get the most glory as a result. Jesus made a way for me to love my husband even when it goes against what I naturally want to do. Jesus made a way for me to love my husband even when he doesn’t meet every expectation and need I have. Why? Because Jesus is enough, and every act of submission and trust towards my husband is actually displaying my trust and submission to the Savior.

That is my hope for obeying Titus 2. That is my hope for my fourth year of marriage. And by God’s grace, that is my hope for every year after that.

The message by Carolyn Mahaney that I referenced (Loving My Husband) can be listened to here.

After Three Years of Marriage: Part 1

It’s hard to believe, but my third wedding anniversary is this coming Friday. When we got married everyone said it would go by fast, and while I believed them I didn’t fully understand just how fast it would go by. In some ways it feels like we’ve been married forever, not in the sense that some describe forever (i.e. monotony, boring, etc.), but in the sense that I simply cannot imagine my life without or before Daniel. My life is so much more enriched and blessed by him. He is my best friend. He knows me sometimes better than I know myself. He loves me and cares for me. He is fun to be around. He is my dear, sweet husband.

As we reflect on the last three years together we have been talking about the way the Lord has grown us both personally and as a couple. It is an ongoing conversation that will take us all the way to May 25 and passed it, I am sure. What has struck me the most is how much I still have to learn about being a godly wife. I’m sure a lot of wives feel this way, or at least I hope I’m not the only one! The beauty of marriage is that we have a lifetime, Lord willing, to grow in these things. Marriage is an ongoing sanctification project. The declaration of our union as man and wife does not transform us immediately into the man or woman God has called us to be. But don’t we wish it did sometimes?!?

Before I got married I thought I knew a reasonable amount of information about biblical womanhood. I had studied it. I worked for CBMW. I sat under good teaching on the topic. I wrote about it. After I got married, and I was suddenly faced with the daily implementation of these truths, I was surprised by how hard it was. I thought it would come naturally. Sure, things came naturally to me but they weren’t along the lines of submission, respect, love, and honor that God desires of me. If you were to ask my husband, I probably found much better company with the woman on the corner of the rooftop rather than the Proverbs 31 woman.

I wish I could say three years later that I am much improved. I’m not where I want to be, but I pray that by God’s grace I’m making progress. So over the next few days, in honor of my anniversary week (we like to celebrate weeks around here, rather than days) I am going to write about things the Lord has taught me about myself as a wife this year. I’ve learned to take it one year at a time. This year, by God’s grace, showed more fruit than last year. Hopefully next year will be even more fruitful, and with each passing year I pray my marriage grows more and more. Maybe you can relate. You aren’t where you want to be, but you know you need help and hope for change. I hope you will join me this week. I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I am like you—a desperate woman, desiring to please God, and hoping for more of Jesus in my life and marriage in the next year.

What a Girl Wants (and How She Can Get It): Part 3

A Girl’s Responsibility

Even with the most comprehensive and put together discipleship program girls today have a responsibility to act rightly. Women, and girls, have tremendous power at their fingertips. While most young women would say that they want a man to lead, provide, and protect them, many of them settle for far less than God’s ideal for a godly man. As John Ensor so helpfully says in his book, Doing ThingsRight in Matters of the Heart:

“Sisters, abstaining from sexual immorality is, for you, too, a matter of submitting to God and his commands. But it is more. It is God’s “Mature Manhood Test Kit” for women. The immature, self-centered, ungodly man will test negative in a matter of weeks. The deceitful and cunning predator will test negative in a matter of days. Men willing to wait, and wanting to wait, will test positive. It is not a lack of sexual interest; it is a healthy fear of God. It is love, which at this point rightfully expresses itself as protection from sin and shame. If he weakens, help him succeed. If all else goes well in the development of the relationship, you know you are marrying a godly man, one who has self-control and a clear sense of his calling as a man.”

To put it simply, girls can encourage men to be men. They can test them by their willingness to wait to fulfill their sexual desires until marriage. It is not normal for boys to expect sex and get it outside of marriage, at least not in God’s economy. Yet, so many of them think this is the case. As we disciple them and walk them through God’s design for them as women they will learn that they have tremendous power to either encourage men to act honorably or dishonorably. And something happens when we help girls do this—the bad boys move on.

I find great encouragement in the fact that young women today want to marry well and live as godly women. But we have to go further than the desire. The Evil One wants nothing more than for them to abandon God’s design and follow the culture. And the cultural onslaught against womanhood is just as bad. By God’s grace our churches can, and should be, places where young girls can grow in godliness and their desire for marriage and family, and be protected from the boys who will keep them from these matrimonial dreams becoming a reality.

This post is the third post in a two part series. Read Part 1 and Part 2

What a Girl Wants (and How She Can Get It): Part 1

It’s the stuff little girls dream of. What begins as a childhood fascination with princesses, dress-up clothes, and mock weddings, grows into a teenage obsession with wedding magazines, boys, and dreams of matrimonial bliss. Most girls, pre-pubescent and teenage, think about getting married. They flock to romantic movies, swoon over the male lead pursuing the woman perfectly, and then hope and wish that the same thing might happen to them someday. Regardless of what the feminists say about girl power and all, most teenage girls (especially Christian ones) still want marriage and family. But then again, there is also a disconnect somewhere.

Just a quick glance at the statistics regarding teenage sexual activity shows that while girls might want marriage, they aren’t really following the typical path that will get them there—or at least to a happily ever after. Girls might want marriage, but they sure don’t act like it. They hook-up with boys, but then are surprised when they don’t treat them with the respect, honor and pursuit that they see in romantic comedies. And as they get older they grow desensitized, bitter, and cynical to all things male and matrimonial. They start with a fairytale and end with a 30-year-old boy playing video games and drinking beer in their one bedroom apartment. What happened to the house, dual-income, and 2.5 kids they always dreamed about? What happened to the happy ending?

Unfortunately, the joke is on them.

As I’ve taught and discipled girls, gone through my twenties, lived and learned a little, and am now married to a wonderful, godly man I’ve noticed a common pattern with girls these days. They want the happy ending; they just go about it all wrong. They embrace the cultural milieu of hooking-up and no commitment and are surprised when it doesn’t feel as good as was promised. As Christians, we have a distinct and hopeful answer to the girls and women who buy into this thinking. And as much as we would like to think that our abstinence pledges and True Love Waits rallies are setting us apart, they aren’t. In order to embrace a biblical model of womanhood (and manhood) Christian teenagers and young adults will need to be swimming upstream in a muddy, swampy mess of ambient culture. For most of them, they need a complete reorientation of their understanding of what it means to be a woman.

What’s the Church to Do?

All of the writing, speaking, debating, and press regarding biblical womanhood the last decade or so could easily make us all think that the battle has been waged and won. But a quick survey of the modern evangelical landscape shows us that our work is far from over. While there are excellent resources out there, and many places are doing it well, most of our churches are still left lacking. And the local church is where it must be taught. A lot of our teenagers are still dating and pairing off like the world, all the while hoping that they will one day marry like their pastor and his wife. We must have a robust theology of womanhood, coupled with a safe haven for girls to talk, question, and learn about how God has created them to be, all within the context of God's ordained means of spreading his glory in this world--the local church. Everything they are bombarded with on a daily basis is contrary to God’s design. From entertainment to friendship, young girls today need a complete overhaul of teaching on biblical womanhood. Feminism is at the very core of our being, and now that it is a culturally accepted doctrine, it will win if we don’t counter it with the truths of Scripture.

Our churches must be the first place girls can go to learn about God’s design for them. We cannot simply expect that they will learn womanhood by default. They won’t. And this is where the Bible comes into play.

To be continued...

Treat Her Like Your Sister

“Treat older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.”—1 Timothy 5:2

This verse has been sort of a theme in my class this semester. Whatever it might pertain to, whether it’s impurity, disrespect, flirtation, or leading them on, the question always is there: would you do that to your sister? So because this is a verse written to a man, and a pastor at that, you might be wondering how this has any bearing on your own life, as a woman (I’m assuming the bulk of my readership is female). But I assure you, it does. As young women, who are either dating, thinking about dating, or wanting to date you can do a lot to encourage the men in your life to treat you with respect and purity.

Paul sets the standards really high, doesn’t he? If he were to peek into your relationships with boyfriends, friends, or even random guys you meet at a party, would he find them treating you as sisters? Better yet, would he find you encouraging them to treat you as sisters?

The reality is that as women we have tremendous power in encouraging the guys in our lives to act like men. By your actions you can either encourage the guys in your life to sin sexually or you can encourage them to work hard at being men (i.e treating you with purity). The fact is that so often we make it too easy for them. We give into their sexual pursuit because we think it will make them love us more and then we are disappointed when it has the exact opposite effect. We flirt with them, essentially begging them for attention. We let them have too much of our heart, all the while hoping that in the end they might see the light and ask us out. How is that working for you?

All of us want to be pursued and treated with respect, right? I have never met a girl or woman who says “I want to be treated like an object. I want to be treated like I don’t matter.” Every girl wants to be treated with respect by the guy she is with. Every girl wants to be loved, cherished, honored, pursued, and valued, right? It doesn’t happen in the context of a sexual relationship outside of marriage. Guys learn to treat girls with honor by the respect that is demanded from them. When you expect a guy to only treat you like he would his sister, you are encouraging, and even demanding, that he respect you and your body.

So if you are single woman reading this today, apply the words of Paul to your own life. Protect the men around you by giving them no other choice but to treat you like a sister. You will be happier. Your life will be easier. And in the end, the guys who don’t want to follow the Bible will take their ball and go home.

God knew what he was doing when he gave us the commands of Scripture. And it’s worth the wait and the discipline to abide by his standards.