God Created Male and Female, and It Was Good

The first time I ever heard the word complementarian was while sitting in a pew at Bethlehem Baptist Church. I can't remember the exact moment, but I knew it was a new concept for me. My early years as a believer were spent sitting under the ministry of John Piper and the elders of Bethlehem. When I walked through those doors my first Sunday I didn't know what "sovereign" meant, let alone how important it was that I was made female and not male. But in my three formative years there I drank abundantly from the spiritual water of God's word. When I walked out of those doors for the last time as a member, I was a changed woman. 

My belief in God's good design for men and women was merely an unwatered seed, planted by my Christian mom and dad, in my early Christian days. The weekly proclamation of God's word that came out of that pulpit watered that little seed. And God made it grow.

That's why I am so thankful to have contributed to this new E-book on God's good design in creating us male and female. In the pages of this book you will find a dozen young complementarians who are committed to proclaiming God's glory in how he created us. They want you to see your purpose as an image bearer of our Creator. And they want you to find joy in your differences. 

You want to hear something even better? It's entirely FREE. That's right, free. 

If you want a fresh understanding of what it looks like to live as male or female and find joy in God's good plan, I encourage you to download this book. 

(My chapter is on my recovery from feminism)

The New Face of CBMW

Boy, has it been quiet around here. The boys came home from the NICU on March 11 and it has been a whirlwind of night feedings, day feedings, bottles, and sweet cuddle times with our twinsies. Needless to say,  I have had little time to think, let alone write. But I'm slowly emerging from the fog of having two newborns.

That's why I'm here to tell you some exciting news! The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (an organization I greatly care about) has launched a new website. And that's not all. There are a number of new initiatives bundled into this fresh change to the site, one being a new women's channel exclusively devoted to our female readers. I am the assistant editor of the site and I am very excited about the team of writers we have lined up! CBMW is where I got my start writing publicly and I consider it a great privilege to be back working for them.

So head on over to the CBMW site today (or any day this week) and check out the new content we have in a variety of venues. Our desire is to continue to provide excellent resources and commentary on a myriad of gender related issues from a biblical perspective. CBMW has always been about Christ and the Bible. That hasn't changed. When you have a chance, visit CBMW today. There is something there for everyone!

Keller Video on Marriage

Marriage in Gospel Focus from The Gospel Coalition on Vimeo.

I showed this video to my marriage and family class the other day and I thought it was too good not to share with all of you. If you haven't read The Meaning of Marriage, run (don't walk) to get it right now. Or go to Amazon and buy it immediately. It is worth it. A lot of what the Kellers say in this video is from their book, but I particularly loved how Tim Keller talked about the basis for relational intimacy in marriage. But don't just take it from me, listen to the whole thing (and get the book!).

Trusting What a List Can't Tell You

In college I had a list. You probably know the one I’m talking about. It was the list. The list that promised me I could (and would) find the man of my dreams. The list that held every quality I desired in a husband. The list that I tucked away for that special day—the day I met him and we lived happily ever after.

I remember exactly where I was when I made that list. Over dinner with girlfriends we carefully crafted our lists. We talked through a variety of qualities, goals, and personality traits from the necessity of humor to ministry aspirations. The list was long and broad even down to the color of his hair. I liked brown hair.

But what my 21-year-old self failed to realize at that moment, and in the passing years, was that over time my list slowly began to look like a male version of me. In my feeble mind, the perfect man was everything I was, only he carried a Y chromosome. He needed to be serious, but not too serious. He needed to be a deep thinker, but not too deep. He needed to be a stronger personality than me (and I defined what strong looked like). He needed to be this and that…and the list went on. Every guy I met in those early days was subject to the list. If he didn’t meet the requirements, he didn’t get very far with me. In my mind, my list was infallible, a sort of “word from the Lord.” I heard stories of women who met their husbands, and then after checking him against the list realized that he met every bullet point. I wanted that to be my story, too. And that was my problem.

You see, a list might tell you what you want. But it might not always tell you what you need. This is where God comes in.

Tim Keller, in his excellent book The Meaning of Marriage, says that marriage is ultimately about our holiness, not our happiness. Yes, marriage makes us happy. But it also is one of the God-ordained means that we grow in godliness.

If the purpose of marriage is to make us perfectly happy, then maybe the list could work. But that's not what marriage is for, as Keller says. My husband is exactly who I didn't know I needed. And my life is better because of him. When he proposed to me, I hardly knew him. We had only been dating for a few short months. I knew some important things about him, like the fact that he was a Christian, a leader, and a godly man. But besides that, there were some things about him that I thought weren’t exactly on my list. Yet, there was something about him that drew me to him and made me desire to follow him and be with him. In the bliss and hype of planning a wedding I put my expectations aside and accepted all of him. Unfortunately, after we got married those dormant expectations came out with a vengeance. While there were some “list” qualities that didn’t emerge until after we were married (like his humor), there were some irrelevant ones that were simply absent. And I did not always respond well to their absence.

I did not fully understand that my husband was given to me by God as a gift. When God created both of us, he knew what the other would need. When I learned to get over my preconceived expectations and started embracing him for the God-given husband that he is, I noticed something about myself. Not only was I growing in godliness, but I was happier as well.

Keller also says that we need to spend more time focusing on being the right person, instead of finding the right person. Basically, we need to spend more time focusing on ourselves than on the endless quest for Mr. or Miss Right. Instead of honing in on a list of expectations that no person can ever adequately meet, stick to the essentials and grow as a believer first. So I guess what I’m saying is throw out the list (or at least pare it down), and get to work. Grow in godliness. Grow as a Christian. Grow as a committed church member. Those things will serve you far more in your quest for finding that special someone than perfecting your list.

I wish I had spent more time on the above than dreaming about a list before I got married. I needed to trust what I list could never tell me, essentially that God perfectly created my husband for my good and my sanctification. God is in the business of making marriages and sustaining them. And while my husband does possess some qualities of that list I made all those years ago (at least the ones I can remember), he has a lot of other really good ones I never thought about. And yes, he does have brown hair.

Jesus is Not Your Boyfriend

Daniel and I have just finished a much needed vacation, hence the silence on the blog this past week! But I have been writing. This morning, Her.meneutics (the Christianity Today blog for women) posted something I wrote on a popular trend in Christendom--single women calling Jesus/God their boyfriend. I'm sure at some point you have heard someone say something along these lines, "until God brings me a husband, I am content to just have him as my boyfriend." Some have even gone so far as calling God their lover, as so many popular songs often do.

While a personal relationship with our Savior is crucial, it is not a personal romantic relationship. In fact, when we use earthly relationships to describe our relationship with Jesus we miss something really important, namely the fact that our earthly relationships (i.e. marriage) is meant to image his relationship with his Bride (the church). We are a collective bride, not an individual one.

In the post I say this:

Just as self-marriage misses the mark for what God designed marriage to point to, “marriage” to Jesus misses what his work accomplished. Marriage to Jesus while waiting for a husband can often trivialize our Savior in a way that makes him more like a sweet boyfriend who takes us out on dates, rather than the God-man who paid for our sin on the cross. Jesus did not accomplish redemption to marry us individually. He died for the church corporate, of which we are apart. His death accomplished something much greater than simply meeting our deep-seated desires for a significant other. That is what Paul is getting at in Ephesians 5:22–33 when speaks of the mystery of marriage.

Read the rest of the post here.

When a Man Loves a Woman

We all know a guy like this. He’s outgoing, suave, sensitive, and flirtatious. Women flock to him, and because of this he always has a different one on his arm. Some are quick to write him off as a player. Others simply attribute his antics to a deep love for women. And with so many to choose from, there are a lot out there for him to love.

Adam Levine, lead singer of the band Maroon 5, seems to think the same thing; owing his rampant promiscuity is to his love for women. In a recent article, Levine attributes his reputation of sleeping around with many women as a representation of his love for them. He is clear to distinguish his actions with other types of men who do the same thing—namely men who he would call misogynistic and only out for themselves. He on the other hand only loves women and can’t seem to get enough of them. And he doesn’t really seem to care.

But is this love? Does he behave this way because of a deep sense of affection and care for the women that he beds? Hardly.

While the culture celebrates men (and women) who view a myriad of sexual exploits as expressions freedom and love, the Bible tells a very different story. As much as we like to think that as a post-sexual revolution society we are more enlightened and uninhibited than our repressed ancestors, human desire and sin ensure that behavior simply is repackaged for the order of the day. In other words, this liberated sexuality is really not a new idea at all.

Solomon knew this well when he instructed his son to “rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18). At first glance, this verse implies two things about loving a woman well.

1. There is only one woman for him to love.
2. The love he has for her is to be long-lasting.

Here is the true test of whether a man loves women or not. Does he love one woman well for a lifetime? It’s easy to have sex with a lot of women over the course of your life. But try loving a woman who doesn’t always treat you with the respect you think you deserve. Or try loving a woman who gets sick and needs care, is weaker than you physically, or gets in your way when you want to do something. Real love for women takes hard work, not smooth talk and flattery. Any man can bounce from woman to woman. That’s easy and old news. The real evidence of love and manhood is if you love and stay until your (or her) dying breath—not when her face looks a little worn or another woman comes along.

And girls, this is the type of man you should be looking for. Don’t settle for a man who asserts his manhood through sexual experiences and flirtation. That will not be true love in the end. True love shows restraint when necessary, and especially when she is not his wife. Look for a man who will love you enough to say “no” until your wedding day, and then say “yes” only to you for the rest of your earthly lives.

The ambient culture sees no problem with Levine’s definition of loving women. In fact, in many circles it is the norm now. As Christians, our lives should not mirror the cultural wasteland that we live in. A man (or woman) who follows Christ will look very different when put next to the views of men like Levine. Men who follow Christ are called to love like the One who saved them, not like the world they were saved from. Men who follow Christ serve, instead of take. They die to self, instead of live for self. And they love women by protecting them from the predatory men that seek to devour the women God has given them, all in the name of love.

Hope for Homosexuals

A few years ago a girl I knew remarked that she felt strange visiting her particular hairdresser because she was a lesbian. Knowing that this woman was attracted to women, not men, made her uncomfortable, and eventually she moved on to someone else. She meant no ill-will towards the hairstylist. She was a solid believer, valued God's word, and prayed fervently for lost people to come to Christ. But when it came to the homosexual hair stylist something just didn't sit right with her. I think her response is quite common for many of us within the conservative Christian community. While we all agree that God doesn't hate homosexuals, when it comes down to actually ministering to them we simply don't know what to do. Our response to those in the gay community tends to be similar to our reponse to the person in the throes of grief--in fear we either don't say anything or say way too much of the wrong thing. We don't intentionally treat homosexual people with contempt, but our fear of the unknown tends to overtake our desire to do good by them. I know I have seen it in my own life way too often.

I had the opportunity this week to listen to the panel discussion from T4G on gay marriage. It was basically a question and answer session with Mark Dever asking questions and Dr. Mohler answering. And true to his form Dr. Mohler was extremely helpful in addressing the reality of homosexuality in our churches and communities, while also providing a course of action for the church.

One of the things Mohler said that really stayed with me is that all of us, post-puberty, are broken in our sexual orientation. We live in a post-Genesis 3 world, and as a result we have all sinned sexually in some way. Our sin just manifests itself in different ways, from the guy who is enslaved to pornography to the girl who likes other girls. Sexual sin is sexual sin, and sin is the great equalizer. We are all equally fallen, but by God's abundant grace we all have a way of escape from the sin that entangles us. Homosexuality is not the worst sin a human being can commit. Rejection of God is (Mark 4:22-30). While Romans 1 reminds us of the heinousness of homosexuality, it also tells us that wrath, envy, slander, gossip, disobedience, impurity, and the like all fall under the condemnation of God. Every one of those sins is stemming from a heart that does not believe that God is good and worthy of our worship. We want to worship the creation, rather than the Creator. That idolatry manifests itself differently in our varying personalities and sin tendencies.

The problem with our arguments against homosexuality is that so often they are framed in the context of human behavior rather than concern for the souls of lost people. We think the behavior is gross and so we treat it as such. But what we have to remember is that the people we speak of are image bearers just like us. They are living, breathing human beings who are enslaved to sin and the worship of the god of this age. In Romans 1 the issue is that we worship the creation, rather than the Creator. This leads to a whole host of sins that condemn us. Yes, homosexual behavior needs to change. But so does slander, gossip, murder, jealousy, and even heterosexual immorality. It is all stemming from worshipping something other than God.

Our response to homosexuality must move away from the ideological and political, and move more towards dealing with the hearts of people. Within all of us is a God-shaped void that in our sinful state we will fill with everything but God, because left to ourselves we hate him. What people need is a bigger view of God and of his great love for us in sending us Jesus, who can take away any sin we struggle with--including homosexuality.

Jesus went to the sexually sinful, broken, despised, and rejected of his day, not because he wanted to endorse their behavior but because he wanted to show them that they were worshipping the wrong thing. But the point is that he went to them, regardless of how gross and strange his culture thought they were. And as Christians we have an answer to the guy or girl struggling with same-sex attraction, his name is Jesus. By God's grace, we must be a place where no person struggles in their sin alone, but finds an answer for their sinfulness and hope for change no matter what sin they struggle with.

For a more thorough assessment of this and for some practical instruction on how the church can help homosexuals, you can listen to Dr. Mohler's interview here.

The Pure See God

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” –Matthew 5:8

I have read this verse for years and it was only recently that the full weight of it hit me. Lack of purity, in heart and ultimately in deed, can keep us from seeing God. So often when we talk about purity with young people we focus primarily on behavior modification. It is not wrong to tell kids not to have sex and that “true love waits”. In fact, telling them what not to do is a form of instruction and necessary in shepherding and guiding. But it must be more than that. And I think the Bible tells the same story.

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus is speaking about behavior, but he is also getting at something more integral to what it means to trust in Christ and be a believer. Jesus is speaking about the heart. When he addresses lust later on in Matthew 5 he actually makes the command to not sin sexually much harder, essentially saying to every human being who has ever lived “by your lustful thoughts you all are adulterous, even if only in your mind.” In Jesus’ mind there is no difference between what we desire and what we actually do. It’s the principle he speaks of elsewhere that out of our hearts comes who we really are (Luke 6:45).

So what’s really going on when we talk about purity? Jesus is getting at what we worship. John Calvin said that our hearts are idol factories. Our depravity ensures that we will naturally gravitate towards propping up idols to worship, rather than bowing down at the feet of King Jesus. The reason the impure can’t see God is not because they are having sex outside of marriage, although that is enough to condemn them. They can’t see God because the idol of pleasure is blocking their view of the greatest pleasure they could ever know—fellowship with their Creator. The Bible consistently teaches that those who continue to practice sexual immorality are living as those who do not know God (Ephesians 5:1-11, 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8). This is why messages of behavior modification will never be enough. We must get at the heart of what people worship before we can begin telling them how to live. Otherwise we will be left with empty moralists who no more see God than the girl who had sex with her boyfriend last night. They have to know and believe in the God who made them before they can begin learning how he wants them to live.

The culture would have us believe that pleasure, love, and security awaits you if you just give in to your feelings and follow your heart (i.e. live a sexually promiscuous lifestyle). In fact, even this week there was talk around the web about Tim Tebow’s commitment to remaining pure until marriage. To the outside world, it is laughable. But to us, it is commendable. Why? Because according to the Bible pleasure, love, and security do await us, but not in the way the world prescribes. God’s standard for holiness and purity is designed to protect us, and give us maximum happiness in our obedience to him. It is more about our worship of him alone than our desire for sexual fulfillment. It is in the losing of ourselves and our desires that we actually find ourselves.

Just look around at Hollywood actors. A quick survey of their marriages and relationships reveals that even though they often portray sexual activity outside of marriage as the norm and blissfully risk-free, their personal lives tell a very different story. While they promise lasting happiness in their films, the proof is in the true Hollywood stories of their actual lives.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave Eve to Adam and blessed the marriage covenant (Genesis 1-2). God knew what we has doing when he told the Israelites, and now those who are in Christ, to be holy because he was holy (Leviticus 11:44). God knew what he was doing when he said that there must be not even a hint of sexual immorality named among us (Ephesians 5:3). And he knew what he was doing when he declared that only the pure in heart will see him. He made us for himself and for his glory. When we live outside of his commands and boundaries we make a mockery of his good design and we lose the fellowship we were made for. We can try all day long to fill the God-shaped void with pithy idols like sex, boys, pleasure, and false security but they will never be enough. That’s why we always need more but feel so lousy afterwards. With God, we never can get enough but we always feel satisfied.

Don’t believe the lie that sexual activity outside of marriage is really no big deal. If you were honest with yourself, you would probably say that you don’t really believe that anyway. Every act of impurity is leading you further away from the God who made you and loves you. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The One who spoke the words of Matthew 5:8 made a way for you to be pure. He died for your idolatrous worship of sex and pleasure. He died to make you pure and blameless in the Father’s sight. He died so that you would no longer be a slave to unrighteousness, but would bear his righteousness. And by his work, you can be cleansed from your impurity and see the perfect and holy God in all his glory. Only then can you truly be blessed.

Boundaries in the Workplace

How do you think through your working relationships with the opposite sex? Do you have boundaries? Does it even matter? Even more than that, does the Bible have anything to say about these things?

That is the question I seek to answer in an article I wrote for Boundless webzine. There are a host of opinions on this topic, and honestly there are a lot of variables at play too. In the article I say:

"From corporate America to the church office, we cannot escape the often uncomfortable situations that our careers find us in. Many are thrust into environments where lunch meetings are the norm. Some are required to travel with the opposite sex on business trips. And the reality is that sometimes we simply cannot avoid these things. While the Bible doesn’t say “thou shall never travel with a woman or have lunch alone with a male co-worker,” there are guidelines to help us think through our working relationships with the opposite sex."

Instead of making a list of rules, I wanted to provide a biblical framework for thinking through the often sticky situations in the work environment. So if you find yourself in the same predicament when you venture into your place of employment (or if you know someone in your life who does), I hope this article serves you as you work.

Read the rest of the article here.

April is Sexual Assualt Awareness Month

Even though we are more than halfway through the month of April, I think it's worth mentioning that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I actually didn't know that until this year, so I'm not sure how long it has been held this month. Regardless of my past ignorance, it's an important issue to raise awareness about. Sexual assault is a horrible and demeaning form of violence against men and women. And while it is reprehensible, it should be talked about in our churches and in our communities. Silence doesn't make it go away. It only isolates the victim further.

Complementarians, Christians who believe that God has ordained men to be protectors and providers, should be the most vocal against all forms of abuse. And many godly men and women are. As much as we think that this could never happen to us, our church, or our family, think again. Some statistics say that one in four women and one in six men will become victims of sexual assault. It's a sad reality and as believers we must be prepared to minister to men and women who are victims of such heinous crimes.

Here are some resources out there from a Gospel-centered perspective:

Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assualt by Justin and Lindsey Holcomb (book)

You can read a review of the book at The Gospel Coalition Reviews

Defenders of Women by Susan Hunt (article)

CBMW Statement on Abuse

Let us all work hard to make our churches a safe place for men and women who are hurting, abused, and suffering.

Does Modesty Put a Price on Sex?

You don’t have to look very far to notice that morality isn’t high on our culture’s acceptable behaviors list. In fact, anymore it is assumed that if a guy and girl like each other they will soon bed each other. They don’t even have to always like each other. Modesty and chastity are not sought after qualities in our society.

According to Wendy Shalit, author of the book A Return to Modesty: Rediscovering the Lost Virtue, the loss of modesty in our society has created men who feel no need to work hard for women. It used to be that men felt obligated to respect and honor women personally and sexually.

Shalit says, “How can we expect men to be honorable when a large number of women consistently send them the message that they don’t have to be?” She goes on to ask “What if all women expected a lot from men? What if all women were faithful and expected men to be faithful ? Then treating a woman well wouldn’t be some ensnaring ‘net,’ it would be the state of affairs. If you didn’t act honorably, you simply couldn’t get any women. Sorry, no women for you.”

But that is not the case anymore. Slate Magazine reported last week that while women seem to still hold the “sexual purse strings” they don’t charge that much for it anymore. The price for sex in today’s economy is very low.

According to Slate, that maybe shouldn’t be the case. Women now hold the majority on most college campuses, while the men their age are back at their parents’ homes playing video games. Young women are more likely to be successful in the job market then young men. There is now a great gender disparity in all of the venues where women would typically meet that special someone. And Slate says that where women outnumber men, men now have the upper hand. A man can fail in class, fail at work, and even fail in relationships, and yet can be assured that he will most likely still find sex from willing women. Women have lowered their expectations and men consistently meet the minimum requirements. So women are now left with two choices: stay single and chaste, or take your chances on a guy who won’t work for your affection.

For today’s modern woman, the choice to them seems fairly obvious.

The feminist movement has birthed a generation of women ready and willing to take up the task of earning a college degree and working in the business world. What it has also done is made some men less ambitious and thus less likely to go to school or work to provide for a family or future family. But what it hasn’t done is change the rules regarding sexual behavior. If anything, according to Slate, it has made sex more easily attainable for lustful men. Women now are acting like “men” throwing off sexual restraints. But they aren’t acting too picky about who they choose as a partner. Men don’t have to work for women anymore because the women are just offering it to them—at no cost.

Shalit would conclude that the answer is more modesty. If women simply chose a chaste life men would work harder for them and women would be happier. But is that really the final answer?
There is more to this story than simply encouraging chaste behavior among young women. God created us for pleasure, most certainly. But he created us for pleasure with one person only, in marriage. And more than that, he created men with an innate desire to pursue a woman and work for her affection, and as much as women fight it, deep down they know he created them to receive it. Why else would there be so many romantic movies depicting this very thing (albeit skewed)? Hollywood has picked up on something that draws women—the pursuit. The gender disparity reveals something more troubling in our culture.

The Slate article highlights a deep void in our society. Men and women are living outside of the way God created them to be. This manifests itself in numerous ways, but the conclusion remains. No amount of ambition on the part of men or chasteness on the part of women will change the deep need in their souls—the need for Christ.

Sure our culture needs more modesty and restraint. But modesty and restraint without Jesus is mere willpower that will not save in the end. When Jesus approached the woman at the well he didn’t just tell her to go and live a chaste life and stop sinning sexually. He knew that wouldn’t save her ultimately. Rather he told her to go and sin no more because her sins had been forgiven (John 4:1-26).

Articles like this are helpful in understanding our culture. These are the people we rub shoulders with every day. Hurting, confused, and lost people, desperate for the living water that will quench the deep thirst in their souls.

Interview with Mary Kassian

A little over a week ago I interviewed Mary Kassian for The Gospel Coalition's review site. As always, she had a lot of good stuff to say. We talked about her latest book, Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild, and how our understanding of manhood and womanhood has everything to do with the Gospel.

Here is a taste of what she said in the interview:

"Manhood and womanhood are important, because men and women living according to Scripture display the Gospel. That is why there has been such an attack against gender, marriage, manhood and womanhood. If the evil one can pull those things apart, then we lose a display of who God is. When we get it right, we put the Gospel on display."

There's more where that came from. You can read the entire interview here.

Models for Marriage

Daniel and I had the privilege of spending time a few weeks ago with a couple who has been married for many more years than we have. We always like the opportunity to be around people who have been at it longer than us because it gives us a chance to learn from them and pick up some helpful tips from their relationship. This time provided us with such an opportunity.

As we ate lunch with our new friends, the thing that stood out to us the most was how much this couple loved each other. Their love and care for one another was evident in the way they preferred the other over themselves, spoke highly of each other, and genuinely enjoyed the company of their spouse.

It convicted us and made us want to be like them. After all these years, children, moves, job changes, and seasons of life they still delighted in being together and being married. When I was engaged to Daniel, I had people tell me that the evident love and excitement I had for my soon-to-be-husband would fade as the reality of marriage set-in. The sad reality is that for many married couples marriage is just something you do, not something you delight in. But it’s hard for me to believe, especially based on the example we saw a few weeks ago, that this is how God intends our marriages to be.

If marriage is God’s good design for us than why should it have to be drudgery and boredom? Our culture would have us believe that all of the excitement and warm feelings happen prior to the wedding day. All of the joy and delight ends when you say “I do.”

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Yes, marriage is hard and sanctifying. And yes, there are times where the feelings are simply gone. But as my older friend told me, we need a long-term view of our marriages. We need to be able to see beyond the moment of frustration and pain, and see it as a piece of what God is doing for the long-haul in our marriage and in our soul.

I have not been married that long. But when I look at older couples, like the ones we were with a few weeks ago, I am encouraged to strive for what they have. I want to delight in my husband for as long as God gives me breath. I want him to be my best friend all the days of my life. I want him to be the highlight of my day, after the Lord.

If we believe that marriage is a shadow of a deeper and more beautiful reality, namely Christ’s relationship with his Bride (the Church), then we have to believe that joy in this brief shadow is what he desires for us. Our contentment and satisfaction in our marriages for what they are (finite relationships) shows the world the greatness of the Gospel. And a crabby wife or disengaged husband is devastating to a Gospel-witness.

What I learned most from my friends was not a list of rules or tips for how to cultivate love in my marriage. What I saw was a relationship centered on the Gospel. They love Jesus with all of their hearts and it spills over into their marriage. They have an eternal view of what their marriage is pointing to and they are committed to the covenant. This is what I want for us, for a lifetime.

A Sad and Slippery Slope

A while ago I overhead a conversation about why someone would choose a church far away from where one lives. When asked, this particular person responded as follows:

“When I saw the church had a female pastor I knew that they would probably be more accepting of gay people like me.”

In a split second, and unbeknownst to him, he confirmed a conclusion that has been raging for a long time: a reversal of gender roles in the local church is a slippery slope to the reversal of believing God’s design for sexuality.

Often outsiders provide a clear window into a church culture that we fail to see because we are so immersed in it. My friend saw from the outside what so many of us fail to see on the inside. While I think it is a helpful commentary on what unbelievers think of the church, I think it says profound things about where our theology leads us. Denying that egalitarian beliefs provide a slippery slope to accepting homosexual behavior is merely postponing the inevitable.

But the issue is not about homosexuality at all, really. By the time a church moves into a reversal of gender and sexuality they typically have long given up the most important thing of all—submission to God’s authority over all things.

What I overheard that day is far more important than whether or not women can be pastors or homosexuality is a sin. And those are important things. It has to do with a church that is no longer living under the authority of God’s word. It has to do with a church that is no longer proclaiming the Gospel.

Sometimes the clearest arguments for our beliefs come in the most unlikely places. But this man’s belief is not a point to be argued. It is his life. Understanding God’s design for manhood and womanhood has tremendous implications for the souls of men and women. If a church abandons the truths of God’s word there, it will abandon God’s word in the most important places—namely the Gospel. The atoning work of Christ for sinners like us cannot be true in a church culture that denies the very essence of who we are created to be.

The loss of the Gospel in a local church has devastating ramifications for the souls of men and women in those congregations.

Elisabeth Elliot on Submission

Like so many other women, I have been tremendously shaped by the writings of Elisabeth Elliot. Her wisdom, honesty, and biblical faithfulness has grown me in ways I probably don’t even know fully yet. God has used her life and ministry to help me establish convictions and passions that I am so grateful for (and grateful to my mom for giving me my first Elisabeth Elliot book!).

I just finished reading Keep a Quiet Heart, and just like her other books, it did not disappoint. This particular book is a collection of her lead articles from her former newsletter. I only wish I had known about this newsletter when it was still published!

The book covers every topic possible: sanctification, discipline, child rearing, womanhood, marriage, singleness, patience, cultural issues, and the list could go on. There is hardly a topic left untouched. Each chapter is about 2-3 pages, making it very easy to read as a devotional book. I have a feeling that this is a book I will keep coming back to again as seasons of life change and grow.

There were many things that struck me while reading this book, but I will leave you with one particular section she wrote about: submission. It is such a weighty and controversial topic, and I think she says it quite clearly and biblically.

“Christians—both men and women—recognize first the authority of Christ. They pray ‘Thy will be done.’ They set about making an honest effort to cooperate with what He is doing, straightening out the kinks in their own lives according to his wishes. A Christian woman, then, in submission to God, recognizes the divinely assigned authority of her husband (he didn’t earn it, remember, he received it by appointment). She then sets about lending her full strength to helping him do what he’s supposed to do, be what he’s supposed to be—her head. She’s not always trying to get her own way. She’s trying to make it easier for him to do his job. She seeks to contribute to his purpose, not scheme how to accomplish her own.

If this sounds suspiciously like some worn-out traditionalist view, or (worse) like a typical Elisabeth Elliot opinion, test it with the straightedge of Scripture. What does submission to Christ mean? ‘Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as to the Lord,’ Compare and connect.”

Why Can't We Be Friends?

I don’t read the Christianity Today Women’s blog frequently, but the topic caught my eye the other day. It was a post from a resident director of a dorm at Cedarville University. She was talking about the need for Christian colleges to provide meaningful friendships between the sexes. She poses the question, “will Christian colleges teach men and women to be friends?” and suggests that believers need to begin thinking of “new paradigms” for friendship between men and women. I think Christian students need opportunities to mingle and meet the opposite sex—but not primarily for the purpose of meaningful friendships alone.

We grew up in a culture saturated by the “Friends” mentality. Every girl wanted a guy best friend that she could live with platonically. And if she was Christian she just wanted the guy best friend, minus the same living quarters. It was cool. It was fun. But someone always got a little to into the friendship, crossed the “friend” line, and had the DTR talk (define the relationship). And then, the blissful friendship was over, or at the very least, extremely awkward.

Why is that almost always the case?

Could it be that we were never designed to be best friends with the opposite sex outside of commitment? This culture of close friends of the opposite sex has done a lot of damage to how we view relationships. It has allowed familiarity without the commitment. Suddenly we can have all of the perks of a relationship (companionship, being known, emotional intimacy, good conversation), but no commitment. We are just being familiar.

I have no male friends besides my husband. There is no one else that I bear my soul to. Prior to marrying him (and meeting him), I had no male friends either. I had a lot of acquaintances and spent a lot of time hanging out in groups, but no one had my heart. And to be honest, it was that much easier to give away when the man who is now my husband began pursuing me.

I agree that we need to foster meaningful relationships among the sexes, but boundaries with the opposite sex should extend much farther than the mere physical. Our longing for meaningful friendship with the opposite sex is stemming from a longing to be known and understood—ultimately to be married. Don’t allow a man to know you and understand you if he will not promise to do so for a lifetime—or at least try and date you to figure out if that is what God wants for the both of you.

Does this mean that single women should never have guy friends? Not at all. It just means that a single woman’s meaningful relationships should come from female friendships. These are friendships that will last and encourage you in your pursuit of marriage and godliness. Friendships with guys in a group setting can be extremely fulfilling and safe for everyone involved. You can call me old fashioned, or even crazy. That is fine. But I can honestly tell you that I do not regret the fact that I had no friendships to sever when I married my husband. My close friendships were with women and they were only strengthened when I said, “I do.”

It might seem fun and exciting to have meaningful individual friendships right now, but it will only make life difficult when the man who is to be your best friend forever comes along. We were designed to be known, loved, and intimate with one man only—our husband. And we shouldn’t settle for anything less.

For more reading on this topic, read Candice Watter's book Get Married: What Women Can Do To Help It Happen. I just finished reading it and wish I would have had it when I was single!

Children's Ministry: The Training Ground for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

This summer I began directing the children’s church time at my local church here in Louisville. Part of my job was to decide on what to teach the children during this time. One of the things I really want to instill in the children of our church is a passion for God and for his glory in our design as men and women. I want these little ones to see that God had a plan when he made them as little boys and little girls—and that plan is greater than anything we could ever imagine.

In the past few years I have heard various stories about children’s books geared towards an egalitarian model. Imagine three and four year olds sitting in a Sunday school class hearing a book read to them on the so-called “feminine” names for God. Imagine the little girls standing in a play pulpit pretending to be the pastor all because they heard about it in their children’s story—or saw it in their own church. Imagine a nursery where the only rebuke to a little boy who pushes a little girl is “that’s not nice to little girls” instead of “we protect girls, we never hit them.”

Does it sound like a big deal? Should we even care?

I think our egalitarian friends, while mistaken, are on to something profound. Children remember what they hear. In fact, what children hear and learn when they are younger shapes their view of the world as they get older. They are tremendously moldable. If a little girl hears from infancy to adulthood that leadership is based on gifting, then she could be very confused when she learns that her Bible speaks of men as the leaders in the church and the home. And if the only model for womanhood she sees is based on giftedness, not gender, then the Bible’s model for womanhood in the home and church will seem very foreign to her as she gets older.

Our little girls will not wake up when they are eighteen suddenly aware of their calling as a woman, nor will our little boys. And even if they are raised in complementarian homes, they will not by default grow up embracing complementarity. We are all opposed to God’s word—even the precious baby in cradle in the nursery will not naturally embrace God’s design for her life. And apart from God’s grace, as she gets older she will gravitate towards the culture’s understanding of manhood and womanhood. We are living in an age that is increasingly celebratory of androgyny. The Bible gives us clear commands to teach the next generation about the truths of God, so that they will learn to hope in him (Psalm 78:1-8). If they do not understand what it means to live as a created being, in his created world, then they will not rightly understand how to worship him.

When we walk down the halls of our church we need to know that the authority of the Bible is at stake in our Sunday school classrooms. What we teach the next generation about God should include what he says about who he made them to be. When you are teaching the creation story to children, I encourage you not to gloss over the fact that there is a man and a woman being created by God with different roles to play. When you are closing your time with your class, you can teach the little ones to thank God that he made them as little boys and little girls—and that these genders are not interchangeable. If you are a parent, you can be working even now to train your little boys to protect little girls, not react against them. And you can teach your little girls that it is good that they want to play with dolls and help in the house—and someday they will help in their own house and take care of real babies, even if they are single.

The little ones in our classrooms, while precious and fun, are all in their hearts opposed to God’s design for them. Therefore, manhood and womanhood is not simply a topic to be discussed at the seminary level, or even the adult Sunday school class level. It must start earlier. We have the great privilege of teaching the next generation the truths of God. And it starts in your nursery.

Interview with Alex and Brett Harris

In March I had the opportunity to interview Alex and Brett Harris for Southern's newspaper. The interview also appeared on CBMW's Gender Blog. Below is a transcript of the interview.

What is the Rebelution?

It is a teenage rebellion against low expectations. It says that the teen years are not a vacation from responsibility before real life starts. These years are a launching pad and training ground for the rest of our lives. It is preparing for a life of service to God. It is also a blog where we write about this concept for teenagers (http://www.therebelution.com/).

What role do parents play in this cause?

Alex: The dedication of our book is to our parents, Greg and Sono Harris, and it says “this book is the message of your lives.” Now, they didn’t say, “do hard things” and they certainly didn’t call it a “rebelution,” but they modeled for us to do what was right for our family and encouraged us to do what was right—sometimes against our will—in order to do what pleased God. That was the biggest thing for us—that they modeled it for us, and we grew up seeing mature biblical manhood and womanhood in our parents living this way. The other thing is they encouraged us to step outside our comfort zones. In all those areas they pushed us beyond what we would naturally do, to the point where we had to rely on strength greater than ourselves—ultimately pointing us to the Cross. That was really the foundation of our understanding of doing hard things for God. It’s an important role that parents can play in the lives of their children.

How does this apply specifically to young men and young women?

Brett: Alex and I firmly believe that there are specific things that God has called young men to do, that he hasn’t called young women to do. And we also believe that there are specific things that God has called young men to do that he hasn’t called young women to do. So we challenge the young people at our conferences to go to their pastors or their parents—godly men and women in their lives—and ask them what specific things has God called me to as a young man and what specific things has called me to as a young lady. In our culture even recognizing the differences between men and women is a hard thing. It’s a challenge because it means standing up for something you see as important and going against the flow.

What do pastors need to be aware of when working with this generation?

Brett: Pastors need to be aware that young people can grasp big things about God. I would say that as you approach young people in your church you need to first recognize that there are low expectations. They are not used to being expected to do these things. And then the next step is to acknowledge the low expectations and know that they are not going to get that kind of challenge in other places, but say “I believe God has made you to be able to enter into who he is” and then proceed to really challenge them and give them meat—not just pizza.

How can pastors implement this vision of doing hard things among the young people in their congregations?

Alex: I think a big part of it has to come down to first living the message themselves. A lot of pastors have communicated to us that they see their role of doing hard things is not just taking the easy route, especially as they minister to the young people in their church. To really take the time to challenge and encourage them to step outside their comfort zones and also be willing to do that themselves, and not take the easy route.

Brett: I would just add to that, for pastors I think it really starts with teaching sound doctrine and really digging into God’s Word yourself and feeding the congregation, because it is really the truth of who God is, who we are, and the truth of the Gospel that motivates us, and gives us a reason to go out and do hard things. We do hard things because Christ did the ultimate hard thing that we couldn’t do for ourselves. As pastors, really just be faithful in teaching, and do not feel like you have to water that down, or entertain young people.


What is the most encouraging thing you have seen?

Alex: I think the most encouraging thing we have seen is that God is truly working in our generation. You can look at the statistics among young people today and it can be pretty discouraging—the picture can look pretty bleak, but we are reminded of Psalm 127 that says, “Unless the Lord builds the house they labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches the city the watchman stays awake in vain.” And what that verse is saying is that unless God is at work, no matter what amount of effort you put into it, it isn’t going to succeed—but if God is at work, you can move forward with complete confidence that he will see it done. And we have just seen God’s hand working so clearly in our generation and for that reason we have so much hope as we challenge our peers that they will respond, and it will resonate and happen, not because of anything that we can do, but because God is working in the hearts and lives of a generation—and that is an exciting thing.

Olympic Competition and Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

The Olympics start tonight and you can be assured where I will be for the next few weeks— on the couch taking in the games (with the exception of school starting, of course). But does Olympic viewing call for discretion? That is a question that CBMW's Gender Blog (where I am a contributor and employee) seeks to answer. Before you venture into the Games this weekend check out this series. We pray that it is an encouragement to you and your family.

Part 1: Olympian Leadership Opportunity for Dad's— Randy Stinson
Part 2: The Gospel and the Desire for Victory— Randy Stinson
Part 3: Girls and Sports?: A Matter of Principles— Jeff Robinson
Part 4: Does Modesty Matter for the Athletes (and Viewers)?— Courtney Tarter

New Generation of Complementarians at New Attitude 2008

Below is a "recap" post I did from New Attitude for the CBMW Gender Blog. It was a great conference on many levels, so I hope you enjoy a little peek at some of the people I met while there.

In addition to contributing to Gender Blog, I also enjoy opportunities to represent CBMW as a conference exhibitor. One of the best parts of attending conferences for CBMW is getting to meet and fellowship with so many brothers and sisters in the Lord. It doesn't hurt that I am an extrovert-so these experiences are extremely life giving.

New Attitude 2008 was no different. One of the blessings of the fellowship is hearing about people's stories with regards to biblical manhood and womanhood. A complementarian commitment to biblical manhood and womanhood is becoming increasingly uncommon among youth. This is why I want to tell you a few encounters from the recent conference, that encouraged me that there is generation rising up who desires to live how God has created us as men and women. Please pray for us to continue to stand firm among a confused age. Though I have withheld names from the stories, these all represent real believers standing firm on gender issues.

RBMW in high school: A recent high school graduate found a copy of Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood in her house and started reading it. The topic intrigued her and now she is growing in her understanding of how God has created her to be. What a tremendous blessing that she is already learning these truths even before she leaves for The Master's College next year. May God increase her tribe!

Biblical manhood on the college campus: A man who serves with Campus Outreach came up for some materials for his ministry among college men. He told us that he is already discipling a group of six men through a study on biblical manhood. May God use him to bear much fruit for the kingdom in the lives of these men.

College, career, missions, and motherhood: A young woman came up to our table to talk with us about CBMW. In the course of the conversation she told us that she was studying Strategic Intelligence at college. As she has pursued this career path, she has felt the pull towards motherhood. She has been wrestling through God's call on her life to be a mother, but also her desire to study and possibly go on the mission field. In this wrestling, God has opened up a door for her to study in Germany. What a blessing that in college she is responding to God's call to bring his Gospel to the nations, but also to her future family through motherhood.

Gender truth among the nations: In El Salvador God has used Dr. Russell Moore's Gender Matter's DVD to help bring a leadership change to a church. One pastor from the church bought the DVD last year at the Children Desiring God conference, and a woman from the church told us that she has watched it over and over again.

These are just a few of the stories of the many people that we met at New Attitude. These encounters are reminders that these issues matter in our lives. They are intensely practical in how we live and relate to one another, but most importantly in how we relate to God. This is where the theological rubber meets the road, and we praise God for the work that he has done in all of their lives. I hope to meet you and hear your personal story at the CBMW booth at an upcoming conference.