You Have Gifts and I Have Gifts

My sister-in-law and her kids just spent ten days with us. While it was quite the circus around here, I got pretty used to our evening dinners together and growing addiction to Call the Midwife. Parenting alongside another mom for ten days gave me a helpful perspective I've been working through since I became a mom two and a half years ago.

There are many different kinds of moms. And that is a very good thing.

My sister-in-law is a woman of many talents. She can walk into a room and redecorate it in her mind in a matter of seconds. In fact, I sent her a picture of Seth's room before we completed it, asking for help with how to fit everything in there, and immediately she sent me back a sketch of an idea. Did I say she is quite the artist? She is. Her kids regularly ask her to draw pictures of their favorite animals or characters for them, and she gladly obliges. She can make stuff out of Play Doh. She can put together toys and build towers and train tracks without getting frustrated. She is crafty and can think of fun projects for our kids to do together. She is resourceful and servant-hearted, always willing to go the extra mile for people.

She is nothing short of amazing.

And I am nothing like her.

I like other things. I do other things. I am good at other things. Her kids expect different things from her that my kids would never even dream of expecting, and vice versa. She parents her kids out of her gifts and strengths, and I do the same with mine. We both bring something to motherhood that the other does not have, and through this we are helping shape children who will bring different strengths and gifts to the world.

The world needs mothers who are crafty and the world needs mothers who pretend with their kids. The world needs mothers who have dance parties and the world needs mothers who play kickball. The world needs mothers who do all sorts of things, because the world needs kids who do all sorts of things.

Often we see the strength of others as a commentary on our weakness, we feel threatened by them and judge them to protect our own feelings of inadequacy. But their strengths are not a threat to us. They are a gift. They are an opportunity to stand in awe of the abundant creativity of God. Just like we can't all be doctors and scientists, we can't all be crafters either. It's not cause for comparison, but cause for appreciation for how God has gifted each of us to parent the children that God has given us.

My friend Trillia Newbell says it well in her book Fear and Faith:

In our fear of being judged as lazy or of incurring the Lord's disapproval, one way we might seek to feel better about ourselves is to mock other women. Yet have we ever stepped back to consider that some women have been especially gifted by God as cheerful, thankful homemakers?

She goes on to say this in response to our comparison:

What if you rejoiced instead? Perhaps if you see women who excel in areas you do not, it can be used as an opportunity to thank God for His creative design. 

So embrace your strengths, my friends. But also, embrace the strengths of others. Every gift and ability we have been given is working together to serve the world that God has diversely created.

What I Learned About Marriage From Gilbert Blythe

I don't remember exactly how old I was when I first watched Anne of Green Gables, but I know I've now seen it more times than I can count. For the longest time it was my go-to movie whenever I was sick. Who doesn't love the comfort of Avonlea when your fever is rising and your nose won't quit running? Because I am the only girl in my family, I even convinced one of my brothers to appreciate the story of Anne, Gilbert, Diana, Marilla, and Matthew (his wife can thank me for his enjoyment in classics like these).

With the many other fans of Anne of Green Gables I have been reminiscing about all that Anne of Green Gables meant to me as we learned of the sudden death of Jonathan Crombie, the man who played Gilbert Blythe. Like many women my age, I can count Gil as one of my first fictional crushes. I remember watching his often tense and teasing interactions with Anne and hoping that one day I could marry someone who loved me as passionately as Gil did.

A lot of my expectations of my future husband were fueled by unrealistic expectations at best, and a man in my own image at worst. But there is one thing about Gil and Anne's relationship that I'm thankful I have in my own.

Unwavering support.

I'm pretty sure the writing bug bit me in part because of Anne of Green Gables. As a young girl, I enjoyed pretending and telling a story, but seeing Anne publish, teach, and work at her craft really gave me a vision for writing that stayed with me over the years. I wanted to do the same thing. She wasn't like the other girls, and Gil loved that about her. But he also loved her enough to help her get better at her vocation--her writing.

Writers don't like being critiqued. At least I don't often appreciate it at first. It's painful. It feels like someone is tearing at part of your soul. A writer feels like her work is part of her and to tell her it's not good, or doesn't make sense, can feel like you are saying she doesn't make sense. When Gil told Anne to write about Avonlea, the place they both loved, it hurt her at first. But he was right. He knew the story that was inside of her and he was pushing her to allow it to come out. He believed in her writing.

I'm thankful that Daniel does the same for me, even though I might resent his criticism at first. At the end of the day no one believes in my writing more. No one believes in the words that are inside of me more than him. When I'm sloppy or unclear, he knows I can do better. When I'm tempted to compromise or cut corners out of fear of man, he knows I know the truth and challenges me to hold fast to it. He is my toughest critic and my greatest fan--which makes the often bitter pill of criticism easier to swallow.

I didn't marry a man who fights with me passionately like Gil did with Anne, although I thought that is what I needed when I was a young, passionate, and romantic girl. But I did marry a man who supports me as a writer and encourages me to write for God's glory and true to who I am. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Our Speech Held Back

I've talked about why I need this exercise in thinking through how I speak. I've also talked about who we are addressing when we use our words for good or for evil. But I've also been convicted lately about the need to restrain my speech. I'm a talker. I like to use my words. When I'm happy, that's a good thing. When I'm angry, not so much. In the heat of an argument or when my feelings are hurt, words fly like fiery daggers. I even would go so far as to say that I feel as if it's my duty to throw words in a moment of rage. If I don't, who will? If I'm offended, who will speak in my defense? If my feelings were hurt or I was wronged in some way, how will that person (namely, my husband) ever know how badly he needs to change if I don't say something right then? So I load the ammunition of words into my mouth and fire away.

My sense of justice is my guide.

But I think scripture provides another, more helpful, way.

Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends (Proverbs 17:9).

Now, I am not talking about offenses that are physically harmful, recurring, or out of the ordinary. I'm talking about the day to day offenses that arise because we are sinners trying to live together in a fallen world. The mundane offenses that threaten to undo us. Your husband forgot something important (like planning a date), again. Your wife neglected you after a busy day at work, again. Your roommate went behind your back, again. Your friend talked only about herself, while failing to ask how your difficult situation was going again. All of these offenses are hurtful, sinful, and can damage a relationship. Which is what the writer of Proverbs is getting at.

Suppose your spouse or friend confesses this sin to you. They understand what they did was wrong, yet you still feel the sting of rejection and hurt. What do you do? Do you make them pay with your words? It's an easy out for me. I understand the temptation. But the writer of Proverbs gives us a better way. He tells us that repeating the sin will be the death of the relationship. And who hasn't seen that happen, right? But covering the offense is actually the loving thing to do.

So how do you "cover an offense"? Does simply saying "I forgive you" make it go away? Anyone who has ever tried reconciling knows that doesn't always cut it. Throughout scripture we are given a picture of God covering the offenses of his people. And we feel the tension of the Old Testament when God covered the offenses of the Israelites, yet they continued to go back to their sin. There needed to be a better, more complete covering, to deal with the magnitude of sin. When we are sinned against we feel it, too. I imagine that is why we feel the need to use our own words to wound. In our hurt we want the sinner to pay for what they have done to us, and in our pride we think our words will suffice.

But like the Israelites before us, there is nothing in us that will ever truly cover the offenses done against us and within us. This is why Christ had to come. Unlike the Israelites, we do have a way forward in covering the offenses of others. We live on the other side of the cross. As Paul tells us in Romans 3:25, Christ was our propitiation (our covering) for the sins we have committed (and will commit). It is only through his blood that we can truly be cleansed from our unrighteousness and covered with his righteousness.

So what does the propitiation of Christ have to do with our speech?

Everything.

We can cover the offenses done against us because of the cross. The cross assures us that the sin done against us was paid for by Christ, if the offender is a believer. And if not, the cross assures us that one day Christ will come back and judge that sin on the last day. The bases regarding all sin committed against us are covered. There is nothing left for us to add to it.

This should free us in our conversations with others. When we are hurt, we can forgive because of Christ's blood and coming judgment. When we are offended, we can cover the offense because Christ has either paid for that offense or will judge it one day.

Jesus' blood is powerful enough to cleanse even the greatest offense we endure. He frees us to love, not hate when we are sinned against. He frees us to restrain our words in times of emotional crisis, and use our words for good, not evil. His blood shed for us is the means by which our speech is held back, even when our hearts tell us that our only defense is the dagger of our words. We can choose another way.

Who Our Speech Addresses

I have been really helped by reflecting on the image of God lately. Every human being, male or female, healthy or unhealthy, infant or elderly, bears God's image (Gen. 1:26-27). This has profound implications for how we live. It means that our life has value. It means our gifts and abilities mean something. It means that our very lives tell a story about who God is and what he is like. But it also has implications for our human relationships. We don't murder someone because he or she bears the image of God (Ex. 20:13). We don't abuse someone because he or she bears the image of God.

We also don't use our words to hurt him or her because that person bears the image of God. 

Did you catch that? That's often the hardest to pinpoint in our own lives and also the easiest to forget.

In the heat of the moment it is easy to forget who we are talking to or about. A friend hurts our feelings and all we want to do is vent to another friend about how terribly she has treated us. We want vindication. We want our hurt feelings to be mended. We want someone, anyone, to see that we were wronged. What we really want, is for that friend to pay for what she did. So we talk about her. We malign her character with our wounded pride and heart.

Or maybe you hit things head on. I get that. I'm not one to be afraid of a fight. Your family member says something that bothers you. Maybe he hurts your feelings, too. Or maybe he just misunderstood what you were trying to say, so you push back. But your harmless quip turns into a full blown attack. Next thing you know you are spewing memories of pain from months ago, rather than focusing on the conflict at hand.

Besides the need for serious conflict resolution, what has each person forgotten in each scenario?

There is a person at the other end of their rhetoric. 

Our feelings tell us that our wants, pain, and frustration must be realized in the confrontation or humiliation of the one who wronged us. But our feelings aren't ultimate. Of course, conflict must be resolved. Of course, relationships need to be mended. But always in the context of Jesus' words that we must do to others as we would have done to us (Luke 6:31).

Why does Jesus say it in that way? Because not only does he understand our own inherent need to protect ourselves (which in turn allows us to understand the command), but also because he understands our standing as image bearers. We treat others the same way we would treat our very bodies and souls because we all bear the image of our Creator.

Our words have lasting implications. We can all probably pinpoint, to our shame, a memory where our speech has failed us and painfully failed another. Our speech never falls into an empty void, but always addresses a person. A person created in the image of God.

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This is the first post in an occasional series on speech. I address why I started this series here.

A Series on Speech

I'm a talker. My parents say I haven't stopped talking since I uttered my first words. I'm pretty sure all of my former school teachers and husband would agree. I've been known to get in trouble with my love of talking. From being told to go back to my cubicle at work for talking about "things that weren't work related" to speaking my mind in the heat of an argument, my words can hurt me sometimes. I want to talk well. I want to use my personality, talkative nature, and ability not for my own benefit but for God's glory. He created me, which means he created me with a mouth that likes to move. But I'm also a sinner. Which means, my mouth that likes to move often moves in unhelpful ways.

So in an effort to help myself I'm going to be blogging about speech for a little bit. I will probably interject a random post here and there as ideas move me, but because I learn through writing I'm hoping that this little writing exercise will bear fruit in my life. Maybe you can relate, dear reader. Maybe you, like me, like to move your mouth and want it to move for good and not evil. We are in this together. I hope you will join me for the ride.

Children and the Love of God

As I've gotten older I've realized that every season of life affords us a new opportunity to better understand the character of God. Through every season we are given a greater glimpse of who he is and what he has done for us in Christ. When I was single I sensed his goodness as my all sufficient provider of all of my needs. When I got married I saw the depth of his sacrifice for me as my husband served and cared for me. Now that I have children I have been blown away by how much he loves those who are his own. Perhaps that is why Jesus says this about the good gifts God gives his children:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! (Matthew 7:7-11).

For me, having children has been the application of understanding the love of God. There is nothing my children can do that will make me not give them good things. There is no amount of sin that would cause me to stop loving them. The intensity of love that I feel for them has no end. As parents, we give gifts to our children on their birthdays and Christmas regardless of their behavior. We love endlessly. Their behavior doesn't change how we love them and care for them. And for them, that is such a comfort. Mommy and Daddy do everything for their good. Whether that be discipline, teaching, showering with kisses, or training them to sleep at night. Everything is for their good and because of our love for them.

Perhaps one of the reasons God commanded Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply was not just to perpetuate the race but to understand the intensity of his love. As I've grown into my role as a mom this first year I have also grown in my understanding of God's great love for me. And it floors me. Because of Christ's work on the cross, I am his child. Nothing can change that. Nothing can make him stop loving me. Nothing can make him stop working for my good. While it doesn't mean that I won't ever face trials or need correction and discipline, it does assure me that it is never in vain. God is always giving me good things because of his great love for me--even if it doesn't always feel good in the moment.

In every season I am learning more about the God who made me. And I think that is how God intended it. With every passing year he is revealing himself more to me, until that final day when my faith will be sight. Until then (and from that moment on), I will never exhaust the depth of his goodness and his character.

A Kiss Can Lie

Earlier this week my students and I were talking about whether sexual experience is a necessary prerequisite for marriage. While they all agreed that sexual activity outside of marriage is a sin, some said they wouldn't want to marry someone who had never kissed anyone before. The general consensus among those students was that to experience your first kiss with your spouse (not your boyfriend or girlfriend) would just be plain awkward. In their minds, you need a little experience first.

But do you?

Do you need to test the waters with other people, or even your future spouse, before you know if marriage is a possibility? And if so, how does this line up with God's design for marriage and purity? The fear of awkwardness with intimate and sexual behavior is actually fear of the unknown, not fear of the act itself. We live in a culture that makes sex (and everything leading up to sex) look polished and mishap free. In the minds of so many young people, experience before the wedding night ensures that this does not happen to them.

But I think they are missing the point. It's not the frequency of activity or sexual prowess that removes awkwardness on the wedding night. It's a covenant.

When God created Eve for Adam the Bible makes the declaration that the man and his wife were both naked and unashamed. Prior to sin they both lived in a completely shame free marriage. While the Bible does not declare whether or not there was awkwardness between the two when they first came together, we do know one thing--they had no shame. Shame came later when sin entered the world. But because of Christ the marriage relationship can now be a place free from shame. Because of Christ a husband and wife can be naked and unashamed again. Outside of the marriage relationship this is not the case. Outside of marriage you live in fear of shame from a person who really has no claim on you.

So what does experience in kissing have to do with this? If it is true that experience in kissing can help determine if a person is one you would want to marry, then there should be no fear or shame associated with that infamous first kiss. How many people feel awkward or nervous leading up to (and immediately after) the first kiss with someone? I know I did. But I can honestly say that this was not the case when I kissed my husband for the first time on our wedding day. And the most obvious answer for me was that at that moment I knew that no matter how bad (or good) I was at kissing, he was not going to leave me. My ability as a kisser was not the determining factor of his love and commitment to me. It was the covenant we had just made before God and our family and friends.

You see, a kiss can lie to you. Maybe you are having a bad day and kissing is just not that appealing to you in that moment. You might determine that the lack of spark or emotion related to kissing that person means you shouldn't be with him or her anymore, when in reality you just have a stomach ache.

You don't have to get to the wedding day with a myriad of kissing partners added to your experience belt. And if you do, it won't necessarily mean that you will be a better spouse or even better suited to engage in sexual activity. In fact, it might do the very opposite. God designed sexual activity to only be experienced between one man and one woman for life. The direct implication is that we become experienced over time with one another. And that is a beautiful, God ordained thing.

While the culture might tell us that the sparks that fly after a kiss determine our compatibility as a couple, the Bible presents a very different story. It tells us that God is the one who sustains the marriage, not the sparks. The butterflies we feel in that moment might be lying to us. They might be telling us that we feel good and like the experience, but they don't tell us whether this relationship can be sustained over a lifetime. And that gets clouded sometimes by the emotion of the moment.

Even the best of kisses can lie to you. What will keep you going long after you say "I do" is not the passion of the kiss, but the promise of our Savior to sustain those who are his.

Keller Video on Marriage

Marriage in Gospel Focus from The Gospel Coalition on Vimeo.

I showed this video to my marriage and family class the other day and I thought it was too good not to share with all of you. If you haven't read The Meaning of Marriage, run (don't walk) to get it right now. Or go to Amazon and buy it immediately. It is worth it. A lot of what the Kellers say in this video is from their book, but I particularly loved how Tim Keller talked about the basis for relational intimacy in marriage. But don't just take it from me, listen to the whole thing (and get the book!).

Why We Can't (and Shouldn't) Always Be Productive

Every young women has probably had it said to her on at least one occasion, “make sure you pursue your dreams now, because once you get married (or have children) you will no longer be able to get as much done.”

In some ways this is what Paul had in mind when he talked about the single person being free to minister, while the married one is divided in her pursuits. But often when we hear people talk about marriage and children it is with a negative bent. Divided attention hampers productivity. And in our industrious society, what you produce is what defines you and gives you value.

The culture would have us believe that marriage is the end of all aspirations and productivity. You are now tied down. You aren’t free. You now answer to someone other than yourself. While marriage does limit the freedom of doing things on a whim and working until midnight every night, marriage also gives us a really important thing that God desires for us—greater personal holiness.

Suddenly, I can’t do everything I want to do all of the time. And that is a very good thing sometimes. Marriage has made me get outside of myself and examine my priorities. Marriage has made me die to my idols of productivity that hinder me from loving my husband more than I love my pursuits. Marriage has revealed just how utterly selfish I am about “my time.” Marriage is the God-ordained institution that points to the relationship between Christ and the Church. Completing my endless to-do list does not.

As created beings we were made to be productive and to work hard for God’s glory. But this is not the only thing we were created for, as much as our western world would have us believe otherwise. We were also created for relationships with friends, family, spouses, and children, and more importantly, a relationship with our Savior. It is through these relationships that I am stripped of my sin and idolatry. It is through these relationships that I am able to see Christ in greater measure. These are realities that a solitary pursuit of my own perfect productivity can never create.

Like I said, in the relationship of marriage I have to die to self, serve, and love another person. It’s not always pay raises and glory, but it’s good. It pays much greater dividends in the long run. And while I am still thankful for the days where I can get my to-do list completely checked off, I am learning to be much more thankful for the moments of relational intimacy that marriage provides. Productivity and relationships are not in competition with one another. They both are necessary in God’s economy. And they both can easily become idols if we are not careful.

And now that I am married I am on the other end of the advice giving to young women. The next time I feel tempted to imply that your dreams of productivity are over once you get married, I will stop myself. Marriage and family are not the dashing of our dreams; rather they are the reorientation of these dreams. Through marriage and family our aspirations and desire for productivity are tempered and sanctified by the beauty of living life with another person. And that is a very good thing.

Trusting What a List Can't Tell You

In college I had a list. You probably know the one I’m talking about. It was the list. The list that promised me I could (and would) find the man of my dreams. The list that held every quality I desired in a husband. The list that I tucked away for that special day—the day I met him and we lived happily ever after.

I remember exactly where I was when I made that list. Over dinner with girlfriends we carefully crafted our lists. We talked through a variety of qualities, goals, and personality traits from the necessity of humor to ministry aspirations. The list was long and broad even down to the color of his hair. I liked brown hair.

But what my 21-year-old self failed to realize at that moment, and in the passing years, was that over time my list slowly began to look like a male version of me. In my feeble mind, the perfect man was everything I was, only he carried a Y chromosome. He needed to be serious, but not too serious. He needed to be a deep thinker, but not too deep. He needed to be a stronger personality than me (and I defined what strong looked like). He needed to be this and that…and the list went on. Every guy I met in those early days was subject to the list. If he didn’t meet the requirements, he didn’t get very far with me. In my mind, my list was infallible, a sort of “word from the Lord.” I heard stories of women who met their husbands, and then after checking him against the list realized that he met every bullet point. I wanted that to be my story, too. And that was my problem.

You see, a list might tell you what you want. But it might not always tell you what you need. This is where God comes in.

Tim Keller, in his excellent book The Meaning of Marriage, says that marriage is ultimately about our holiness, not our happiness. Yes, marriage makes us happy. But it also is one of the God-ordained means that we grow in godliness.

If the purpose of marriage is to make us perfectly happy, then maybe the list could work. But that's not what marriage is for, as Keller says. My husband is exactly who I didn't know I needed. And my life is better because of him. When he proposed to me, I hardly knew him. We had only been dating for a few short months. I knew some important things about him, like the fact that he was a Christian, a leader, and a godly man. But besides that, there were some things about him that I thought weren’t exactly on my list. Yet, there was something about him that drew me to him and made me desire to follow him and be with him. In the bliss and hype of planning a wedding I put my expectations aside and accepted all of him. Unfortunately, after we got married those dormant expectations came out with a vengeance. While there were some “list” qualities that didn’t emerge until after we were married (like his humor), there were some irrelevant ones that were simply absent. And I did not always respond well to their absence.

I did not fully understand that my husband was given to me by God as a gift. When God created both of us, he knew what the other would need. When I learned to get over my preconceived expectations and started embracing him for the God-given husband that he is, I noticed something about myself. Not only was I growing in godliness, but I was happier as well.

Keller also says that we need to spend more time focusing on being the right person, instead of finding the right person. Basically, we need to spend more time focusing on ourselves than on the endless quest for Mr. or Miss Right. Instead of honing in on a list of expectations that no person can ever adequately meet, stick to the essentials and grow as a believer first. So I guess what I’m saying is throw out the list (or at least pare it down), and get to work. Grow in godliness. Grow as a Christian. Grow as a committed church member. Those things will serve you far more in your quest for finding that special someone than perfecting your list.

I wish I had spent more time on the above than dreaming about a list before I got married. I needed to trust what I list could never tell me, essentially that God perfectly created my husband for my good and my sanctification. God is in the business of making marriages and sustaining them. And while my husband does possess some qualities of that list I made all those years ago (at least the ones I can remember), he has a lot of other really good ones I never thought about. And yes, he does have brown hair.

My First Live Radio Interview

Last Friday, I was interviewed by a Christian radio station in California about my most recent post on Her.meneutics, "Why Jesus is Not Your Boyfriend." I had never been on live radio before and was honored to be asked. To be honest, I had no idea what to expect. But Joe Pursch (the man who interviewed me) was kind, and the callers were gracious and encouraging.

What I wanted to convey in the article, and in the interview, was that a humanized understanding of Christ is actually quite dangerous for men and women. As Christians, we all should be passionate about the Lord, but we must never allow that passion to be confused with romantic passion. And we must never, either intentionally or unintentionally, create a Christ in our own image, namely the image of a special friend who meets our deep desires for a significant other. Pursch asked me how single women can protect themselves from having a faulty Christology, and the answer I gave is true for so many issues we face as believers. We must immerse ourselves in God's word through personal study and the preaching in our local congregations.

I said a lot more (the interview was almost an hour long!), so if you are interested you can follow this link. It is the June 29th podcast and my interview starts at the second hour of the program.

Jesus is Not Your Boyfriend

Daniel and I have just finished a much needed vacation, hence the silence on the blog this past week! But I have been writing. This morning, Her.meneutics (the Christianity Today blog for women) posted something I wrote on a popular trend in Christendom--single women calling Jesus/God their boyfriend. I'm sure at some point you have heard someone say something along these lines, "until God brings me a husband, I am content to just have him as my boyfriend." Some have even gone so far as calling God their lover, as so many popular songs often do.

While a personal relationship with our Savior is crucial, it is not a personal romantic relationship. In fact, when we use earthly relationships to describe our relationship with Jesus we miss something really important, namely the fact that our earthly relationships (i.e. marriage) is meant to image his relationship with his Bride (the church). We are a collective bride, not an individual one.

In the post I say this:

Just as self-marriage misses the mark for what God designed marriage to point to, “marriage” to Jesus misses what his work accomplished. Marriage to Jesus while waiting for a husband can often trivialize our Savior in a way that makes him more like a sweet boyfriend who takes us out on dates, rather than the God-man who paid for our sin on the cross. Jesus did not accomplish redemption to marry us individually. He died for the church corporate, of which we are apart. His death accomplished something much greater than simply meeting our deep-seated desires for a significant other. That is what Paul is getting at in Ephesians 5:22–33 when speaks of the mystery of marriage.

Read the rest of the post here.

When a Man Loves a Woman

We all know a guy like this. He’s outgoing, suave, sensitive, and flirtatious. Women flock to him, and because of this he always has a different one on his arm. Some are quick to write him off as a player. Others simply attribute his antics to a deep love for women. And with so many to choose from, there are a lot out there for him to love.

Adam Levine, lead singer of the band Maroon 5, seems to think the same thing; owing his rampant promiscuity is to his love for women. In a recent article, Levine attributes his reputation of sleeping around with many women as a representation of his love for them. He is clear to distinguish his actions with other types of men who do the same thing—namely men who he would call misogynistic and only out for themselves. He on the other hand only loves women and can’t seem to get enough of them. And he doesn’t really seem to care.

But is this love? Does he behave this way because of a deep sense of affection and care for the women that he beds? Hardly.

While the culture celebrates men (and women) who view a myriad of sexual exploits as expressions freedom and love, the Bible tells a very different story. As much as we like to think that as a post-sexual revolution society we are more enlightened and uninhibited than our repressed ancestors, human desire and sin ensure that behavior simply is repackaged for the order of the day. In other words, this liberated sexuality is really not a new idea at all.

Solomon knew this well when he instructed his son to “rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18). At first glance, this verse implies two things about loving a woman well.

1. There is only one woman for him to love.
2. The love he has for her is to be long-lasting.

Here is the true test of whether a man loves women or not. Does he love one woman well for a lifetime? It’s easy to have sex with a lot of women over the course of your life. But try loving a woman who doesn’t always treat you with the respect you think you deserve. Or try loving a woman who gets sick and needs care, is weaker than you physically, or gets in your way when you want to do something. Real love for women takes hard work, not smooth talk and flattery. Any man can bounce from woman to woman. That’s easy and old news. The real evidence of love and manhood is if you love and stay until your (or her) dying breath—not when her face looks a little worn or another woman comes along.

And girls, this is the type of man you should be looking for. Don’t settle for a man who asserts his manhood through sexual experiences and flirtation. That will not be true love in the end. True love shows restraint when necessary, and especially when she is not his wife. Look for a man who will love you enough to say “no” until your wedding day, and then say “yes” only to you for the rest of your earthly lives.

The ambient culture sees no problem with Levine’s definition of loving women. In fact, in many circles it is the norm now. As Christians, our lives should not mirror the cultural wasteland that we live in. A man (or woman) who follows Christ will look very different when put next to the views of men like Levine. Men who follow Christ are called to love like the One who saved them, not like the world they were saved from. Men who follow Christ serve, instead of take. They die to self, instead of live for self. And they love women by protecting them from the predatory men that seek to devour the women God has given them, all in the name of love.

Three Years of Marriage

Last night I told Daniel that it is hard to believe how little we knew each other when we said "I do" three years ago today. We knew we loved each other, we knew God brought us together, but in all honesty, there was so much we didn't know. I mean, we hadn't even known each other for a year before our wedding day! We had a lot to learn! I'm sure ten years from now I will say the same thing about this stage of our marriage as well. That is the wonderful thing about marriage. You grow together, you learn each other, and Lord willing, you spend your whole life doing it. While there was so much unknown that day three years ago, one thing is certain now--my life is better because I married Daniel. This has been the most amazing, most difficult, most fulfilling, most tear-filled, most joyous three years of my life. And I would not want it any other way. I love him more and more with each passing day. He is my best friend, and even though I often say that the years go by so fast, it is hard to imagine what my life was like before him. He serves me. He loves me. He points me to the Savior. And we are better together than apart. My understanding of Christ's unconditional love for me has grown because of my experience as Daniel's wife. His trust in God and dependence on his grace for all things encourages me. I am so thankful for this gift of marriage today, and every day.

I love you so much, Daniel. Happy Anniversary!

After Three Years of Marriage: Take it One Day at a Time

Whenever we examine our hearts and lives we inevitably wind up with a list of things we want to change. Reflecting on the past year can bring a laundry list of goals, dreams, sin that needs to be addressed, and the like. If you are like me, you can be simply overwhelmed by the enormity of the task before you. There is so much that needs to change, or that you want to change. You have so many goals for the next year that often feel so unattainable. You have so much guilt over your past failures. Where do you even begin? Here is something so simple, yet so profound, that has encouraged me this year as I have sought to grow as a believer and as a wife.

Work on one thing at a time.

There it is. It’s not a long list of goals or an elaborate plan. In fact, it’s just one simple task. Choose one area for change or one nugget of truth learned and apply it to your life right now. Don’t try and tackle everything at once. That tends to be too much and could actually cause us to go backwards or at least stat stagnant in our growth. Maybe this year growing as a wife means learning to trust in the finished work of Christ. There are a ton of great books out there that can help you in this pursuit (like here, here, and here). Maybe growing as a wife this year means greater discipline in personal holiness. You can start by reading a chapter of the Bible a day and praying for your husband for five minutes a day (maybe while doing the dishes, laundry, or fixing dinner). Maybe growing as a wife means learning to use your tongue for good towards your husband, rather than for evil. You can start by trying to think of one encouraging thing (that you mean) to say to your husband every day.

While these suggestions might seem small, they are steps forward. Even baby steps move us, albeit slowly, towards greater godliness. Focusing on one thing at a time allows us to really grow in that particular area, often fueling greater growth in other areas. It is hard to do things well when you are stretched in a variety of directions.

Few things have served me more than this simple concept. I learned it first from listening to Betsy Ricucci (and I can’t remember the exact message I was listening to). I can get overwhelmed by too many options and too many things to do, especially when it is related to my growth as a believer. But what I have learned in those moments, and my husband has so helpfully led me to see, is that God is concerned with faithfulness, not perfection. Sometimes faithfulness means just doing the next thing. Sometimes it means spending time reflecting and identifying areas of needed growth. Sometimes it means taking action in one specific area. But it usually does not include all three of those things at the same time! God knows I’m not perfect, that’s why he provided Jesus as my righteous substitute. Daily plugging along in the Christian life is faithful living and it will produce a harvest of fruit in the end.

And often we can get more focused on the evidence of fruit, can’t we? Yes, as Christians we should be growing and producing fruit, but it is our overemphasis on the abundance of fruit that often brings discouragement. This is why working on one thing at a time is so helpful. Instead of being overly preoccupied with the results, we are focused on the growth and the process it takes to get us there. But more importantly, focusing on one thing at a time should cause us to be drawn to the One who will produce a harvest of righteousness in our life—Jesus Christ. Only he can bring lasting change. Only he can produce genuine fruit in our lives.

As I look back on this year of marriage, and look forward to the coming year, there is a lot of sanctification I would like to see take place. If you are like me, and you struggle with wanting to see more results than are often evident, you can rest in the promise of Philippians 1:6, God will complete the work he began in you. And as you work and labor to grow in godliness, remember this: take it one day at a time.

After Three Years of Marriage: Part 1

It’s hard to believe, but my third wedding anniversary is this coming Friday. When we got married everyone said it would go by fast, and while I believed them I didn’t fully understand just how fast it would go by. In some ways it feels like we’ve been married forever, not in the sense that some describe forever (i.e. monotony, boring, etc.), but in the sense that I simply cannot imagine my life without or before Daniel. My life is so much more enriched and blessed by him. He is my best friend. He knows me sometimes better than I know myself. He loves me and cares for me. He is fun to be around. He is my dear, sweet husband.

As we reflect on the last three years together we have been talking about the way the Lord has grown us both personally and as a couple. It is an ongoing conversation that will take us all the way to May 25 and passed it, I am sure. What has struck me the most is how much I still have to learn about being a godly wife. I’m sure a lot of wives feel this way, or at least I hope I’m not the only one! The beauty of marriage is that we have a lifetime, Lord willing, to grow in these things. Marriage is an ongoing sanctification project. The declaration of our union as man and wife does not transform us immediately into the man or woman God has called us to be. But don’t we wish it did sometimes?!?

Before I got married I thought I knew a reasonable amount of information about biblical womanhood. I had studied it. I worked for CBMW. I sat under good teaching on the topic. I wrote about it. After I got married, and I was suddenly faced with the daily implementation of these truths, I was surprised by how hard it was. I thought it would come naturally. Sure, things came naturally to me but they weren’t along the lines of submission, respect, love, and honor that God desires of me. If you were to ask my husband, I probably found much better company with the woman on the corner of the rooftop rather than the Proverbs 31 woman.

I wish I could say three years later that I am much improved. I’m not where I want to be, but I pray that by God’s grace I’m making progress. So over the next few days, in honor of my anniversary week (we like to celebrate weeks around here, rather than days) I am going to write about things the Lord has taught me about myself as a wife this year. I’ve learned to take it one year at a time. This year, by God’s grace, showed more fruit than last year. Hopefully next year will be even more fruitful, and with each passing year I pray my marriage grows more and more. Maybe you can relate. You aren’t where you want to be, but you know you need help and hope for change. I hope you will join me this week. I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I am like you—a desperate woman, desiring to please God, and hoping for more of Jesus in my life and marriage in the next year.

The Pure See God

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” –Matthew 5:8

I have read this verse for years and it was only recently that the full weight of it hit me. Lack of purity, in heart and ultimately in deed, can keep us from seeing God. So often when we talk about purity with young people we focus primarily on behavior modification. It is not wrong to tell kids not to have sex and that “true love waits”. In fact, telling them what not to do is a form of instruction and necessary in shepherding and guiding. But it must be more than that. And I think the Bible tells the same story.

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus is speaking about behavior, but he is also getting at something more integral to what it means to trust in Christ and be a believer. Jesus is speaking about the heart. When he addresses lust later on in Matthew 5 he actually makes the command to not sin sexually much harder, essentially saying to every human being who has ever lived “by your lustful thoughts you all are adulterous, even if only in your mind.” In Jesus’ mind there is no difference between what we desire and what we actually do. It’s the principle he speaks of elsewhere that out of our hearts comes who we really are (Luke 6:45).

So what’s really going on when we talk about purity? Jesus is getting at what we worship. John Calvin said that our hearts are idol factories. Our depravity ensures that we will naturally gravitate towards propping up idols to worship, rather than bowing down at the feet of King Jesus. The reason the impure can’t see God is not because they are having sex outside of marriage, although that is enough to condemn them. They can’t see God because the idol of pleasure is blocking their view of the greatest pleasure they could ever know—fellowship with their Creator. The Bible consistently teaches that those who continue to practice sexual immorality are living as those who do not know God (Ephesians 5:1-11, 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8). This is why messages of behavior modification will never be enough. We must get at the heart of what people worship before we can begin telling them how to live. Otherwise we will be left with empty moralists who no more see God than the girl who had sex with her boyfriend last night. They have to know and believe in the God who made them before they can begin learning how he wants them to live.

The culture would have us believe that pleasure, love, and security awaits you if you just give in to your feelings and follow your heart (i.e. live a sexually promiscuous lifestyle). In fact, even this week there was talk around the web about Tim Tebow’s commitment to remaining pure until marriage. To the outside world, it is laughable. But to us, it is commendable. Why? Because according to the Bible pleasure, love, and security do await us, but not in the way the world prescribes. God’s standard for holiness and purity is designed to protect us, and give us maximum happiness in our obedience to him. It is more about our worship of him alone than our desire for sexual fulfillment. It is in the losing of ourselves and our desires that we actually find ourselves.

Just look around at Hollywood actors. A quick survey of their marriages and relationships reveals that even though they often portray sexual activity outside of marriage as the norm and blissfully risk-free, their personal lives tell a very different story. While they promise lasting happiness in their films, the proof is in the true Hollywood stories of their actual lives.

God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave Eve to Adam and blessed the marriage covenant (Genesis 1-2). God knew what we has doing when he told the Israelites, and now those who are in Christ, to be holy because he was holy (Leviticus 11:44). God knew what he was doing when he said that there must be not even a hint of sexual immorality named among us (Ephesians 5:3). And he knew what he was doing when he declared that only the pure in heart will see him. He made us for himself and for his glory. When we live outside of his commands and boundaries we make a mockery of his good design and we lose the fellowship we were made for. We can try all day long to fill the God-shaped void with pithy idols like sex, boys, pleasure, and false security but they will never be enough. That’s why we always need more but feel so lousy afterwards. With God, we never can get enough but we always feel satisfied.

Don’t believe the lie that sexual activity outside of marriage is really no big deal. If you were honest with yourself, you would probably say that you don’t really believe that anyway. Every act of impurity is leading you further away from the God who made you and loves you. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The One who spoke the words of Matthew 5:8 made a way for you to be pure. He died for your idolatrous worship of sex and pleasure. He died to make you pure and blameless in the Father’s sight. He died so that you would no longer be a slave to unrighteousness, but would bear his righteousness. And by his work, you can be cleansed from your impurity and see the perfect and holy God in all his glory. Only then can you truly be blessed.

Treat Her Like Your Sister

“Treat older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.”—1 Timothy 5:2

This verse has been sort of a theme in my class this semester. Whatever it might pertain to, whether it’s impurity, disrespect, flirtation, or leading them on, the question always is there: would you do that to your sister? So because this is a verse written to a man, and a pastor at that, you might be wondering how this has any bearing on your own life, as a woman (I’m assuming the bulk of my readership is female). But I assure you, it does. As young women, who are either dating, thinking about dating, or wanting to date you can do a lot to encourage the men in your life to treat you with respect and purity.

Paul sets the standards really high, doesn’t he? If he were to peek into your relationships with boyfriends, friends, or even random guys you meet at a party, would he find them treating you as sisters? Better yet, would he find you encouraging them to treat you as sisters?

The reality is that as women we have tremendous power in encouraging the guys in our lives to act like men. By your actions you can either encourage the guys in your life to sin sexually or you can encourage them to work hard at being men (i.e treating you with purity). The fact is that so often we make it too easy for them. We give into their sexual pursuit because we think it will make them love us more and then we are disappointed when it has the exact opposite effect. We flirt with them, essentially begging them for attention. We let them have too much of our heart, all the while hoping that in the end they might see the light and ask us out. How is that working for you?

All of us want to be pursued and treated with respect, right? I have never met a girl or woman who says “I want to be treated like an object. I want to be treated like I don’t matter.” Every girl wants to be treated with respect by the guy she is with. Every girl wants to be loved, cherished, honored, pursued, and valued, right? It doesn’t happen in the context of a sexual relationship outside of marriage. Guys learn to treat girls with honor by the respect that is demanded from them. When you expect a guy to only treat you like he would his sister, you are encouraging, and even demanding, that he respect you and your body.

So if you are single woman reading this today, apply the words of Paul to your own life. Protect the men around you by giving them no other choice but to treat you like a sister. You will be happier. Your life will be easier. And in the end, the guys who don’t want to follow the Bible will take their ball and go home.

God knew what he was doing when he gave us the commands of Scripture. And it’s worth the wait and the discipline to abide by his standards.

Forgiveness is an Exercise in Faith

For the last two weeks I have been teaching on communication and conflict resolution in the marital relationship. Few things make me feel like a complete fraud like this subject matter. I’m hardly an expert in how to communicate effectively with my husband, or even how to resolve conflict when we have a fight. I know the principles, but putting them into practice isn’t my strongest area. I have a hard time letting things go. Actually, I have a really hard time forgiving and moving on. My vivid imagination and long-lasting memory make the process all the harder. But in reality, I’ve learned that it is actually my own selfish desires that make this biblical command extremely difficult. What I’ve learned about myself in the preparation process these last few weeks is that I hold on to the bitterness and anger because I want to continue punishing my husband (and others) for the pain they have caused me. I don’t like accepting their forgiveness because I fear that acceptance means minimizing how they made me, the pinnacle of my own universe, feel.

Now do you see why I felt like a fraud? How could I teach these biblical truths accurately while I harbored so much internal resentment and pain for past hurts? How could I explain what forgiveness is if I don’t like to forgive others?

Thankfully, God’s word penetrates sinful, stubborn hearts like my own and teaches me as I teach others. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

How did God forgive us? It’s the question I asked myself and my students. And the answer is precious every time I hear it. He forgave us abundantly and completely through the atoning death of his son, Jesus. When he sees me, he doesn’t see horrible, sinful Courtney. And not because of anything I have done, but because of the perfect righteousness of my Savior. You see, God’s forgiveness of me, and you, is not because of our own good effort. It’s based on the merit of another, the good work of Jesus. This means that even the vilest of sinners can find forgiveness at the cross because his life, death, and resurrection can pay for it all. It’s that amazing.

But it’s also our basis for forgiving others. When we forgive we aren’t forgiving someone because they are great and perfect. We aren’t even saying that their sin against us doesn’t matter. We are actually saying that it matters a great deal, especially to a holy God. But he already did everything necessary to pay for that sin, and if someone is an unbeliever, he will deal with that sin one day when he judges the sins of the world.

When I fail to forgive, I am essentially saying I don’t believe that Christ’s death for your sins is sufficient. Forgiveness is trusting in the merit of another, not the merit of the one seeking forgiveness. If we based our acceptance of forgiveness on anything but the righteous work of Christ we would be left with insufficient forgiveness. Every sin must be paid for, and the Old Testament is proof that mere words, animal sacrifices, or human effort will never be enough.

So the next time you struggle, like me, with accepting another’s forgiveness remember your Savior. He accomplished everything necessary to pay for your sin and the sin done against you. And that is good news.

The Peril of Isolation

“Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment.” –Proverbs 18:1

No man is an island. This proverbial statement graces everything from church signs to educational material. I’ve heard it said so many times. So have you. But it’s true. Left to ourselves and our own opinions we can make anything seem right, can’t we? We can make any sinful tendency normal. We need people. We need people to provide companionship, but more importantly to provide the balance of sound judgment.

Outside input from godly friends and family provides a necessary safety net for us. When we isolate ourselves all we have is our own desire. We get what we want when we want it. We always look out for ourselves. We have our best interests at heart, don’t we? But if we are truly honest what we desire most might not always be the best thing for us. Left to the mirror of our own consciousness we can all too easily begin to see our own opinions as ultimate, and worse, our indwelling sin as minimal.

That’s what this proverb is getting at. Without the counsel, companionship, and correction of others we would spiral out of control, even to the point of spurning sound judgment. This is not a foreign concept in the Bible. In fact, it’s a common theme woven throughout the pages of Scripture. It was not good for Adam to be alone, and while this was “pre-fall,” after the arrival of sin he needed Eve all the more. The very fact that God instituted the local church, a body of redeemed sinners, to spread his glory throughout the world shows us that he never intended for it to be just me and Jesus. Let’s be honest, it’s easy to be a lone ranger. Relationships are hard. People aren’t always nice, fun to be around, or even that interesting. And sometimes we would much rather it be just us and Jesus. He’s nicer, more gracious, doesn’t ever say the wrong thing, and doesn’t get all up in our business like the people closest to us.

And that’s exactly why we need people.

The people in your local congregation are people for whom this Jesus shed his blood. Building relationships with one another is part of his perfect plan to change us and make us more like him. Sure, it’s hard work. Sure, people will hurt us, misunderstand us, and sometimes say the wrong thing to us. But that’s all part of it. They chisel us. They make us more aware and sensitive. And more importantly, they help us see sin that we didn’t even know was still there.

Regardless of your personality, the truth still stands. Even the most outgoing person can miss the principal the proverb is trying to make. We have to be willing to open our lives to people and let them see inside—even if it’s not pretty at first. Thankfully, we have a perfect example in Jesus. Of all people who could live an isolated life, he would have been the one to do it while on earth. He was God. In him was complete perfection and holiness. But he came to earth and opened his life up so we could be cleansed, forgiven, and no longer live in sinful isolation from everyone else.

So when you feel tempted to hide and live in isolation from the ones who love you and know you, remember the Savior. Not only did he obey perfectly, but he has made a way so you no longer have to live in fear of condemnation for your sins. The sound judgment you deserve was paid for by the holy, precious, and victorious Jesus. He bought you with a price and adopted you into his family.

So the saying really is true for us. In Christ, no man is an island.