Boy, has it been quiet around here. The boys came home from the NICU on March 11 and it has been a whirlwind of night feedings, day feedings, bottles, and sweet cuddle times with our twinsies. Needless to say, I have had little time to think, let alone write. But I'm slowly emerging from the fog of having two newborns.
That's why I'm here to tell you some exciting news! The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (an organization I greatly care about) has launched a new website. And that's not all. There are a number of new initiatives bundled into this fresh change to the site, one being a new women's channel exclusively devoted to our female readers. I am the assistant editor of the site and I am very excited about the team of writers we have lined up! CBMW is where I got my start writing publicly and I consider it a great privilege to be back working for them.
So head on over to the CBMW site today (or any day this week) and check out the new content we have in a variety of venues. Our desire is to continue to provide excellent resources and commentary on a myriad of gender related issues from a biblical perspective. CBMW has always been about Christ and the Bible. That hasn't changed. When you have a chance, visit CBMW today. There is something there for everyone!
Friday, April 12, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
What I've Been Up To: My Writing
Even though I haven't been doing much writing on this little blog (I hope that changes sometime soon!), I did write a few articles in other venues that were published shortly after the boys were born. I figured I would post them here for any who are interested.
A Higher Calling to Protect (Christianity Today women's blog)--this article was written shortly after the decision by the military to allow women in combat.
The Quest for a Bigger, Better, Cuter Pregnancy (Christianity Today women's blog)--How should Christian's think about the commercialization of pregnancy?
Limitations: Our Gift from God (Gospel Coalition)--I wrote this article nearly a year ago. It's interesting to read it again now knowing that I wrote in the midst of our infertility.
Your Womanhood is Not on Hold (Gospel Coalition)--This is another article that I wrote right before I found out I was pregnant. God is kind to remind me of all that he taught me in the days of our longings.
A Higher Calling to Protect (Christianity Today women's blog)--this article was written shortly after the decision by the military to allow women in combat.
The Quest for a Bigger, Better, Cuter Pregnancy (Christianity Today women's blog)--How should Christian's think about the commercialization of pregnancy?
Limitations: Our Gift from God (Gospel Coalition)--I wrote this article nearly a year ago. It's interesting to read it again now knowing that I wrote in the midst of our infertility.
Your Womanhood is Not on Hold (Gospel Coalition)--This is another article that I wrote right before I found out I was pregnant. God is kind to remind me of all that he taught me in the days of our longings.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Twin Update: One Month Old!
One month ago yesterday two precious little boys decided to come to us eight weeks early in a whirlwind of excitement and fear. Even as I type this it's hard to believe they are already one month old. The last month has gone by so fast I can hardly remember all that has happened. And then, at times the days just drag on as we wait to bring them home from the NICU.
But I do know one thing, with each passing moment our hearts only grow fuller with love for them. They are growing and changing every day, it seems. They are much more alert now, especially before and after eating. We love watching their little eyes, facial expressions, and eagerness to eat. In fact, they are now eating every other feeding by mouth. We are hopeful that they will move to every feeding by the end of the week.
They have both gained more than a pound since their birth. Luke weighs 4 lbs 12 oz and Zach weighs 5 lbs 8 oz. They are looking more like newborns now and less like wrinkly preemies!
The other night I told my husband that it makes me sad that the first month of their life is over and we will never have their first month with them at home. He helpfully reminded me that technically I am still supposed to be pregnant, so in reality we are actually benefiting by seeing their sweet faces earlier than we anticipated. When I was pregnant I always talked about how I couldn't wait to see their faces and now I get to see them every day! I am thankful for his perspective in our not ideal situation.
For the most part the boys are keeping pace with every marker they are supposed to be hitting. They have not missed a beat their entire time in the NICU, and for that we are thankful. Right now we are praying they continue to eat well and that we can hopefully take them home soon. Until the day that I can see them face to face every night before bed, I will stare at these sweet pictures to keep me going.
But I do know one thing, with each passing moment our hearts only grow fuller with love for them. They are growing and changing every day, it seems. They are much more alert now, especially before and after eating. We love watching their little eyes, facial expressions, and eagerness to eat. In fact, they are now eating every other feeding by mouth. We are hopeful that they will move to every feeding by the end of the week.
They have both gained more than a pound since their birth. Luke weighs 4 lbs 12 oz and Zach weighs 5 lbs 8 oz. They are looking more like newborns now and less like wrinkly preemies!
The other night I told my husband that it makes me sad that the first month of their life is over and we will never have their first month with them at home. He helpfully reminded me that technically I am still supposed to be pregnant, so in reality we are actually benefiting by seeing their sweet faces earlier than we anticipated. When I was pregnant I always talked about how I couldn't wait to see their faces and now I get to see them every day! I am thankful for his perspective in our not ideal situation.
For the most part the boys are keeping pace with every marker they are supposed to be hitting. They have not missed a beat their entire time in the NICU, and for that we are thankful. Right now we are praying they continue to eat well and that we can hopefully take them home soon. Until the day that I can see them face to face every night before bed, I will stare at these sweet pictures to keep me going.
Monday, March 4, 2013
God Hears Our Prayers
"Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!" -Psalm 4:1
This has been our prayer as we wait for the boys to come home. God has faithfully answered our prayers when we have been in distress before, and we have confidence that he will do it again. It's not our own strength that makes the desired relief possible, but the strength of his character and his righteousness. Left to ourselves we cannot do anything, but God is powerful enough not only to bring our boys home, but to conform us more into his likeness while we wait.
I have had to remind myself of his power and character over these last four weeks. I cannot make my boys ready to come home from the hospital. I cannot make them take their bottles and nurse well. I cannot make them gain weight. Only he can do it. Having them hooked up to monitors has only further reminded me of my helplessness and his power. He sustains our precious sons. He holds them in his hands. He orders all things. And he has been doing it since the very beginning of their lives.
So we cry out to him in these uncertain days. We are asking him to work and are depending on him for the ability to endure not knowing when their days in the NICU will end. And how do we know he will work? We know his character. We know he is good. And we know that he has worked in the past and he will work in the future. He has worked in abundant ways in our lives before, and as we remember we are reminded that he will do it again.
Will it always work out in the timetable we want? Not exactly. But he will act on our behalf. And that is how we can pray. In prayer we are crying out to the only one who can and will work for our good (Psalm 57:2, Romans 8:28). We daily fall on our faces before this great God knowing that he is good and will fulfill his purposes for us. That is our hope.
Psalm 77 is a great reminder for those wanting to remember God's faithfulness to his own. This is where we want to be--remembering God's faithfulness and mighty deeds. When we get discouraged, we want to remember. When we feel like we aren't making progress with the boys, we want to remember. God has done mighty things for us and he will not stop pouring out his kindness on us.
He has done great things and we are filled with joy. Oh Lord, help us to remember this truth in both the certain and uncertain days.
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!" -Psalm 4:1
This has been our prayer as we wait for the boys to come home. God has faithfully answered our prayers when we have been in distress before, and we have confidence that he will do it again. It's not our own strength that makes the desired relief possible, but the strength of his character and his righteousness. Left to ourselves we cannot do anything, but God is powerful enough not only to bring our boys home, but to conform us more into his likeness while we wait.
I have had to remind myself of his power and character over these last four weeks. I cannot make my boys ready to come home from the hospital. I cannot make them take their bottles and nurse well. I cannot make them gain weight. Only he can do it. Having them hooked up to monitors has only further reminded me of my helplessness and his power. He sustains our precious sons. He holds them in his hands. He orders all things. And he has been doing it since the very beginning of their lives.
So we cry out to him in these uncertain days. We are asking him to work and are depending on him for the ability to endure not knowing when their days in the NICU will end. And how do we know he will work? We know his character. We know he is good. And we know that he has worked in the past and he will work in the future. He has worked in abundant ways in our lives before, and as we remember we are reminded that he will do it again.
Will it always work out in the timetable we want? Not exactly. But he will act on our behalf. And that is how we can pray. In prayer we are crying out to the only one who can and will work for our good (Psalm 57:2, Romans 8:28). We daily fall on our faces before this great God knowing that he is good and will fulfill his purposes for us. That is our hope.
Psalm 77 is a great reminder for those wanting to remember God's faithfulness to his own. This is where we want to be--remembering God's faithfulness and mighty deeds. When we get discouraged, we want to remember. When we feel like we aren't making progress with the boys, we want to remember. God has done mighty things for us and he will not stop pouring out his kindness on us.
He has done great things and we are filled with joy. Oh Lord, help us to remember this truth in both the certain and uncertain days.
Monday, February 18, 2013
The Night Before Our Lives Changed Forever
I wrote this the night before the twins ended up being born. When I wrote it I thought I would be having them a couple of days later and had no idea that I was a mere few hours away from going into labor. I thought I would be spending my 30th birthday hooked up to monitors awaiting the arrival of our boys. Instead I spent my 30th birthday in labor, and subsequently on an operating table staring at my precious sons for the very first time. Lucas Daniel Reissig was born at 1:02 PM. Zachary Garrett Reissig was born at 1:04 PM. And 30 years prior, Courtney Dawn Tarter (now Reissig) was born via c-section at 1:06 PM. How's that for crazy timing?!?
The night before they came I couldn't sleep at all, primarily because the steroid shot made me wide awake. So I read everything the NICU gave us that night, read Scripture, looked at Pinterest, checked Facebook a million times, prayed, and wrote this post. I had not stayed up all night since high school and I really hope I don't have to do it again any time soon. But I will say that I feel like God did that to help me prepare for the craziness that was awaiting me that morning. Here is what God was doing in my heart the night before our lives changed forever.
****************************************************************************
So yesterday we went to our normal ultrasound appointment knowing that Luke looked a little small last time. But honestly, I was not anticipating he would want them to come this week. After measuring Luke first he gave us the news that Luke was not keeping up with Zach and was now in the 11% while Zach was in the 64%. Plus, after examining Luke's cord on the ultrasound he thought there were some blood flow discrepancies that were contributing to his slow growth. Basically, my uterus was no longer safe for Luke. His recommendation to us was that I get started on steroids to strengthen their lungs and then deliver them after they have had 48 hours to work. He then told us it would be best to go home, pack our bags, and check-in to the hospital until we have these babies. So we did everything he said. We rushed home, got our stuff together (thankfully I started that this weekend), and headed to the hospital, our home for the next few days. The doctor who will deliver them, and who has walked through our infertility with us, came to see me and said he will deliver them via c-section on Thursday. Luke was just too small to try to have them any other way. So we will have our boys by the end of the week. And two days after my 30th birthday. Not a bad set of birthday gifts! My mom is flying in on Wednesday and my sister-in-law (one of them) is coming Thursday morning. I am so glad I will have family around for this since it will be a very emotional time, I am sure. By the time I deliver they will be 32 weeks and 1 day. And Luke could be under 3 pounds.
When we got pregnant with them we always knew this was a risk, and would be another opportunity for us to trust our great God. In fact, our entire life these last two and a half years has been one roller coaster ride of God continually calling us to trust him as good, wise, and loving. If we don't believe that now in the scariest moments of our children's lives to date, we will never be able to teach them honestly about this God we claim to love and trust. Here is where the rubber meets the road. Do I trust him? Do I believe he cares for me? Do I believe he is for me? I want to. In some moments I struggle for control. In others I feel remarkably calm, and if you know me that can only be from him.
We have felt loved beyond what we could imagine. God has shown up in so many ways these last couple of days. From the fact that my high risk doctor pushed my appointment forward so he could see me sooner, which revealed Luke's minimal growth over a 10 day period. To the countless emails, texts, gifts, flowers, and visits we have received from friends and family all over. These people have walked this road of infertility with us and loved us well in the sorrow. Now they are loving us well in the uncertainty of delivering our precious boys eight weeks early. We are overjoyed to introduce them to everyone very soon. God knew this would happen and he is not surprised by their early arrival.
God does not leave is to ourselves in uncertain and frightening days. Fear has always been a big struggle of mine. My vivid imagination does a number on my thoughts in difficult days. But I have been comforted by all of the evidences of God's sovereign hand throughout this entire experience. He knew this would happen. He knit these boys together and ordained the day of their birth. I just never thought it would be 2 days after mine! Or on my brother's birthday! So we look to him, the one who sustains every molecule in this universe, and the ones holding our sons together, too.
Thank you for your prayers. We are looking forward to meeting them on Thursday morning and introducing them to all these people, near and far, who have prayed for these miracle babies for so long.
Isaiah 25 reminds us that God has established his plans from the beginning and will accomplish them. These are his good plans for us and for our boys.
****************************************************************************
Thankfully, Luke weighed more than we thought, and their discrepancy was not as vast. Luke weighed 3 lbs 4 ozs and Zach weighed 3 lbs 15 ozs. It was discovered that Luke's cord actually implanted in the membrane of the placenta, not directly into the placenta. This accounted for his slow growth the entire pregnancy. It wasn't until after his arrival that we realized how rare and serious this was. My labor and delivery nurse told me that if my water had broken up top near that spot (rather than on the bottom) both of us could have bled out before we got the hospital. We believe that God is sovereign, but in moments like this we are even more aware of his power and authority over all things. We are thankful for life and thankful for the life of these sweet boys. And now we can't wait to take them home!
The night before they came I couldn't sleep at all, primarily because the steroid shot made me wide awake. So I read everything the NICU gave us that night, read Scripture, looked at Pinterest, checked Facebook a million times, prayed, and wrote this post. I had not stayed up all night since high school and I really hope I don't have to do it again any time soon. But I will say that I feel like God did that to help me prepare for the craziness that was awaiting me that morning. Here is what God was doing in my heart the night before our lives changed forever.
****************************************************************************
So yesterday we went to our normal ultrasound appointment knowing that Luke looked a little small last time. But honestly, I was not anticipating he would want them to come this week. After measuring Luke first he gave us the news that Luke was not keeping up with Zach and was now in the 11% while Zach was in the 64%. Plus, after examining Luke's cord on the ultrasound he thought there were some blood flow discrepancies that were contributing to his slow growth. Basically, my uterus was no longer safe for Luke. His recommendation to us was that I get started on steroids to strengthen their lungs and then deliver them after they have had 48 hours to work. He then told us it would be best to go home, pack our bags, and check-in to the hospital until we have these babies. So we did everything he said. We rushed home, got our stuff together (thankfully I started that this weekend), and headed to the hospital, our home for the next few days. The doctor who will deliver them, and who has walked through our infertility with us, came to see me and said he will deliver them via c-section on Thursday. Luke was just too small to try to have them any other way. So we will have our boys by the end of the week. And two days after my 30th birthday. Not a bad set of birthday gifts! My mom is flying in on Wednesday and my sister-in-law (one of them) is coming Thursday morning. I am so glad I will have family around for this since it will be a very emotional time, I am sure. By the time I deliver they will be 32 weeks and 1 day. And Luke could be under 3 pounds.
When we got pregnant with them we always knew this was a risk, and would be another opportunity for us to trust our great God. In fact, our entire life these last two and a half years has been one roller coaster ride of God continually calling us to trust him as good, wise, and loving. If we don't believe that now in the scariest moments of our children's lives to date, we will never be able to teach them honestly about this God we claim to love and trust. Here is where the rubber meets the road. Do I trust him? Do I believe he cares for me? Do I believe he is for me? I want to. In some moments I struggle for control. In others I feel remarkably calm, and if you know me that can only be from him.
We have felt loved beyond what we could imagine. God has shown up in so many ways these last couple of days. From the fact that my high risk doctor pushed my appointment forward so he could see me sooner, which revealed Luke's minimal growth over a 10 day period. To the countless emails, texts, gifts, flowers, and visits we have received from friends and family all over. These people have walked this road of infertility with us and loved us well in the sorrow. Now they are loving us well in the uncertainty of delivering our precious boys eight weeks early. We are overjoyed to introduce them to everyone very soon. God knew this would happen and he is not surprised by their early arrival.
God does not leave is to ourselves in uncertain and frightening days. Fear has always been a big struggle of mine. My vivid imagination does a number on my thoughts in difficult days. But I have been comforted by all of the evidences of God's sovereign hand throughout this entire experience. He knew this would happen. He knit these boys together and ordained the day of their birth. I just never thought it would be 2 days after mine! Or on my brother's birthday! So we look to him, the one who sustains every molecule in this universe, and the ones holding our sons together, too.
Thank you for your prayers. We are looking forward to meeting them on Thursday morning and introducing them to all these people, near and far, who have prayed for these miracle babies for so long.
Isaiah 25 reminds us that God has established his plans from the beginning and will accomplish them. These are his good plans for us and for our boys.
****************************************************************************
Thankfully, Luke weighed more than we thought, and their discrepancy was not as vast. Luke weighed 3 lbs 4 ozs and Zach weighed 3 lbs 15 ozs. It was discovered that Luke's cord actually implanted in the membrane of the placenta, not directly into the placenta. This accounted for his slow growth the entire pregnancy. It wasn't until after his arrival that we realized how rare and serious this was. My labor and delivery nurse told me that if my water had broken up top near that spot (rather than on the bottom) both of us could have bled out before we got the hospital. We believe that God is sovereign, but in moments like this we are even more aware of his power and authority over all things. We are thankful for life and thankful for the life of these sweet boys. And now we can't wait to take them home!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Twin Update: One Week Old!
Whew! It is hard to believe that these boys are one week old today. This time last week we were sitting in our hospital room overwhelmed by God's provision in a safe (and unexpected) delivery of our boys. And now, here we are thanking God for one week of life! I finally feel like I can sit down and write out the story of their birth. There were so many things that we saw God do in the entire process last week and I will write about that in the coming days. Because they are in the NICU my life right now pretty much revolves around pumping, visiting them in the NICU, and sleeping. And I really do love every minute of it. I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I had no context for how much I would love it. Even though I am exhausted most of the time and can't remember one day to the next, I am so happy with these precious boys that God has given us. So here is how they decided to come to us last Tuesday.
I went in for my ultrasound on Monday morning. We knew going into it that there was a possibility that Luke had further slowed in his growth, so we were a little prepared for the news that he seemed to have grown very little from my appointment ten days prior. I even had started packing a bag over the weekend just in case we had to go to the hospital on a whim. Daniel had just spent all weekend getting their room ready and we felt going into the appointment that the boys could come and we wouldn't be super stressed. But we were seriously praying that they would wait a little longer, or at least to 34 weeks. After measuring Luke first the doctor said that he had dropped to the 11th percentile (he was in the 20th before) and only gained 2 ounces in 10 days (not good). He checked Luke's cord and saw that his blood flow was not good enough and told us that it was becoming increasingly apparent that my womb was not a safe place for Luke to grow. He then proceeded to tell us that we needed to get them both out soon. I asked how soon and he said "you are having these babies this week." He allowed us to run home and pack a bag and then told us to come back to the hospital that afternoon. At the time he wanted us to spend at least 48 hours in the hospital while I received a couple rounds of steroids to strengthen their lungs. That would have allowed them to monitor the boys continuously just in case something went wrong with Luke. So we ran home and started packing. That was the fastest we have ever packed. We weren't even sure what to take. It's such a strange feeling knowing that the next time you come home you will no longer be pregnant.
So off the the hospital we went.
Because we were supposed to be there for a few days I packed tons of stuff to do. I was going to write thank you notes, read some parenting books, and catch up on some writing I wanted to finish before the boys came. I didn't touch that stuff one time. Once we got to the hospital we were surrounded by a flurry of nurses who constantly monitored the boys and me. We were given a tour of the NICU. My doctor came by to visit. And we had some good time with friends who came by to see us. Daniel and I started thinking that maybe this was God's way of giving us some extra time together before the boys came. My birthday was the next day (Tuesday) so we started thinking through how we were going to celebrate my 30th birthday while I was hooked up to a ton of monitors that were messed up with the slightest movement on my part. We were not expecting any more surprises.
The steroid shot was given to me that night and they gave me a sleeping pill too so I could at least try to sleep (since steroids make you wired). It didn't work at all. I do not usually have a hard time sleeping but for some reason I could not sleep. I was wide awake. I read every piece of material the NICU gave us. I wrote down some thoughts about the boys coming early. I read some things I wanted to read. I read Scripture and felt like God was preparing my heart for the arrival of my boys. I have not stayed up all night since high school and I forgot how long a night is when you never go to sleep. It's awful! Sometime in the middle of the night my back started hurting and I just attributed it to the fact that I was propped up some on my back and the boys were increasingly becoming heavier to me. I thought my body was just unable to handle the weight anymore. Around 5:30 the nurse came in and asked me if I felt something. I didn't feel anything, so I asked her what she was talking about.
"You are having a contraction right now. You've actually been having them pretty regularly for a while."
I told her my back hurt and she said that was why.
At first I didn't think anything of it, but I started noticing more and more that I was feeling something going on, but I thought they were just Braxton Hicks (which I got all of the time). Around 7:00 AM my new nurse came in and said that now they were 5-6 minutes apart. She decided it was probably best to check me since I was progressing, not slowing down in my contractions.
I was already 2-3 centimeters dilated.
Now that wouldn't be a huge deal except for the fact that just a few days ago I was nothing with no indicators of changing any time soon.
She proceeded to tell me I was in labor and told me that I was probably having the babies within the next few hours. I woke Daniel up and told him I was in labor. It took him a few minutes to really comprehend what was happening, but then it hit us both. We went from excitement to fear and then back to excitement and then back to fear. We knew the twins had a better chance of success if I had another round of shots, so we were hoping the doctor could stop the labor. He came to see me around 8:00 AM and confirmed that I was in labor. He originally said he was going to stop labor in order to give the boys a few more days to cook inside of me, but after talking with my high-risk doctor decided it would be best to let labor takes its course and deliver the boys within a few hours. The high-risk doctor felt like my body was telling us something, namely that Luke needed to get out in order for him to be okay.
We had to wait for an operating room to open up and since I wasn't in distress and the babies were fine we weren't high priority. Around 10:00 AM I started noticing more pain so she checked me again and I was already at a 5. At that point they were prepared to let me deliver them if I got to a 10. I was not prepared for that at all! I checked into the hospital thinking I was going to have scheduled C-section. Now I was facing the prospect of delivering them naturally! And after hearing them say that Luke would probably do better being delivered via C-section, I was really nervous about the alternative.
Thankfully, a room opened up and around 12:30 PM I was on my way down to deliver the boys. At 1:02 PM and 1:04 PM Lucas Daniel Reissig and Zachary Garrett Reissig entered this world at 31 weeks 6 days gestation! When they were getting me ready for the C-section I felt a sudden sense of fear about what their lungs would be like. It was almost too much to bear. I just prayed that God would bring them out screaming and thankfully they did make some noise on the way out. I didn't get to see them but for a few seconds because they NICU team took them away immediately to intubate them and evalute them. The moment I saw their faces my heart melted. Daniel and I both agree that it feels like a dream. Everything is a blur, but a happy one.
We didn't get to see them for about an hour while they NICU got them stabilized. After that they wheeled me down in my hospital bed and we were able to spend some time with them. From that moment on we continue to love them more and more. Every time we see them our heart melts a little more and we can hardly believe they are ours. The NICU doctor expects them to be there for at least four weeks, give or take a week. So we are one week down!
Here are some stats:
Luke weighed 3 lbs 4 ounces at birth. He was 16 inches long.
Zach weighed 3 lbs 15 ounce at birth. He was 19 inches long.
Both boys did not need to be intubated for long. It only lasted 30 minutes. Since then they have just had a little oxygen through a nasal canula.
And here are some pictures!
I went in for my ultrasound on Monday morning. We knew going into it that there was a possibility that Luke had further slowed in his growth, so we were a little prepared for the news that he seemed to have grown very little from my appointment ten days prior. I even had started packing a bag over the weekend just in case we had to go to the hospital on a whim. Daniel had just spent all weekend getting their room ready and we felt going into the appointment that the boys could come and we wouldn't be super stressed. But we were seriously praying that they would wait a little longer, or at least to 34 weeks. After measuring Luke first the doctor said that he had dropped to the 11th percentile (he was in the 20th before) and only gained 2 ounces in 10 days (not good). He checked Luke's cord and saw that his blood flow was not good enough and told us that it was becoming increasingly apparent that my womb was not a safe place for Luke to grow. He then proceeded to tell us that we needed to get them both out soon. I asked how soon and he said "you are having these babies this week." He allowed us to run home and pack a bag and then told us to come back to the hospital that afternoon. At the time he wanted us to spend at least 48 hours in the hospital while I received a couple rounds of steroids to strengthen their lungs. That would have allowed them to monitor the boys continuously just in case something went wrong with Luke. So we ran home and started packing. That was the fastest we have ever packed. We weren't even sure what to take. It's such a strange feeling knowing that the next time you come home you will no longer be pregnant.
So off the the hospital we went.
Because we were supposed to be there for a few days I packed tons of stuff to do. I was going to write thank you notes, read some parenting books, and catch up on some writing I wanted to finish before the boys came. I didn't touch that stuff one time. Once we got to the hospital we were surrounded by a flurry of nurses who constantly monitored the boys and me. We were given a tour of the NICU. My doctor came by to visit. And we had some good time with friends who came by to see us. Daniel and I started thinking that maybe this was God's way of giving us some extra time together before the boys came. My birthday was the next day (Tuesday) so we started thinking through how we were going to celebrate my 30th birthday while I was hooked up to a ton of monitors that were messed up with the slightest movement on my part. We were not expecting any more surprises.
The steroid shot was given to me that night and they gave me a sleeping pill too so I could at least try to sleep (since steroids make you wired). It didn't work at all. I do not usually have a hard time sleeping but for some reason I could not sleep. I was wide awake. I read every piece of material the NICU gave us. I wrote down some thoughts about the boys coming early. I read some things I wanted to read. I read Scripture and felt like God was preparing my heart for the arrival of my boys. I have not stayed up all night since high school and I forgot how long a night is when you never go to sleep. It's awful! Sometime in the middle of the night my back started hurting and I just attributed it to the fact that I was propped up some on my back and the boys were increasingly becoming heavier to me. I thought my body was just unable to handle the weight anymore. Around 5:30 the nurse came in and asked me if I felt something. I didn't feel anything, so I asked her what she was talking about.
"You are having a contraction right now. You've actually been having them pretty regularly for a while."
I told her my back hurt and she said that was why.
At first I didn't think anything of it, but I started noticing more and more that I was feeling something going on, but I thought they were just Braxton Hicks (which I got all of the time). Around 7:00 AM my new nurse came in and said that now they were 5-6 minutes apart. She decided it was probably best to check me since I was progressing, not slowing down in my contractions.
I was already 2-3 centimeters dilated.
Now that wouldn't be a huge deal except for the fact that just a few days ago I was nothing with no indicators of changing any time soon.
She proceeded to tell me I was in labor and told me that I was probably having the babies within the next few hours. I woke Daniel up and told him I was in labor. It took him a few minutes to really comprehend what was happening, but then it hit us both. We went from excitement to fear and then back to excitement and then back to fear. We knew the twins had a better chance of success if I had another round of shots, so we were hoping the doctor could stop the labor. He came to see me around 8:00 AM and confirmed that I was in labor. He originally said he was going to stop labor in order to give the boys a few more days to cook inside of me, but after talking with my high-risk doctor decided it would be best to let labor takes its course and deliver the boys within a few hours. The high-risk doctor felt like my body was telling us something, namely that Luke needed to get out in order for him to be okay.
We had to wait for an operating room to open up and since I wasn't in distress and the babies were fine we weren't high priority. Around 10:00 AM I started noticing more pain so she checked me again and I was already at a 5. At that point they were prepared to let me deliver them if I got to a 10. I was not prepared for that at all! I checked into the hospital thinking I was going to have scheduled C-section. Now I was facing the prospect of delivering them naturally! And after hearing them say that Luke would probably do better being delivered via C-section, I was really nervous about the alternative.
Thankfully, a room opened up and around 12:30 PM I was on my way down to deliver the boys. At 1:02 PM and 1:04 PM Lucas Daniel Reissig and Zachary Garrett Reissig entered this world at 31 weeks 6 days gestation! When they were getting me ready for the C-section I felt a sudden sense of fear about what their lungs would be like. It was almost too much to bear. I just prayed that God would bring them out screaming and thankfully they did make some noise on the way out. I didn't get to see them but for a few seconds because they NICU team took them away immediately to intubate them and evalute them. The moment I saw their faces my heart melted. Daniel and I both agree that it feels like a dream. Everything is a blur, but a happy one.
We didn't get to see them for about an hour while they NICU got them stabilized. After that they wheeled me down in my hospital bed and we were able to spend some time with them. From that moment on we continue to love them more and more. Every time we see them our heart melts a little more and we can hardly believe they are ours. The NICU doctor expects them to be there for at least four weeks, give or take a week. So we are one week down!
Here are some stats:
Luke weighed 3 lbs 4 ounces at birth. He was 16 inches long.
Zach weighed 3 lbs 15 ounce at birth. He was 19 inches long.
Both boys did not need to be intubated for long. It only lasted 30 minutes. Since then they have just had a little oxygen through a nasal canula.
And here are some pictures!
Zach
Luke
Zach and me
Daddy and Luke
Thursday, January 31, 2013
God's Love and Our Suffering
“The more I learn about the normalcy of suffering in this
life, the more afraid I am that God is going to make my life harder.”
Does that statement sound familiar? Maybe you haven’t gone so far as to voice your concerns to that degree, but deep down, when you ponder suffering you are also afraid that God might choose you to be the one to bear the stamp of suffering. And if you were truly honest with yourself, you really don’t want to be that example for everyone else.
I mean, God is a loving God isn’t he? He is the very embodiment of love. How could he truly expect his child to endure lifelong suffering or terrible heartache? And when you do, how do you respond to your preconceived idea about his loving, wonderful plan for your life?
It is a term that gets thrown around quite frequently. God is love. But what does that mean? Does it mean he always gives us what we want? Does it mean he is non-judgmental? Does it mean he is a happy, father figure in the sky waiting to pour out blessing on us?
God’s Love is a Mysterious Love
To believe that God is love means we must learn to trust his heart, as Spurgeon said. We can all recall times where we have absolutely no idea what he is up to, or why is ordering our life a particular way. And I have good news for you, Christian. If you are in Christ, God’s heart is always favorable towards you (Romans 8:1). He always acts on your behalf in view of his love for you. He will never give you anything that is not sovereignly designed for your good and ultimate glory (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). Like every good father, he knows our deepest need—even if we cannot see it. He is ready and able to meet that need, even if it means taking us through devastating trials and suffering. It is all from his loving hand. Sometimes it is a great mystery to us, but our suffering is never an unknown to him.
God’s Love is a Better Love
Jesus knew our tendency to doubt God’s love for us, and so he used the best analogy possible for helping us see the depth of God’s care (Matthew 6:25-34). All we have to do is look at earthly fathers and their care for their children. A good father always provides, always cares, and always gives his child everything she needs. He knows his child better than she knows herself. And Jesus says something profound, “God’s love is better than that.” God is infinitely more wise, loving, and willing to provide for those who are his. Every single thing we receive is because he knows we need it, and he knows that something much better is waiting for us.
Because we are often in the dark about God’s purpose for our suffering, we are tempted to draw our conclusions about him from what our eyes can see. The reality is that in suffering our eyes are usually blurred with tears and pain. We must always go back to his character and his past promises as the basis for our hope in the midst of this suffering. If we would not make conclusions about those we hold dear in the deepest moments of suffering, we must not make conclusions about our God either.
Two and a half years ago I suffered a miscarriage. In the months following I was gripped with fear that something would happen to my husband. There were a variety of things that contributed to this fear, but the greatest one was the fact that I felt like God could not be trusted with those I loved. If he took my baby, what would stop him from taking my husband, too? I was using my circumstances as a test for his goodness, rather than trusting that he had a good, long-term purpose for all of the pain. Fundamentally, I did not believe that he was for me. Yes, he can take my husband and he will have done me no wrong. But he is also not in the business of taking every good thing from us just because he can. I needed to believe that his love for me ran much deeper than my earthly pleasure. His love, evidenced in my suffering, had eternal purposes (1 Peter 1:6-9, 5:10).
When we face suffering and trials we are tempted to think that this moment is all there is. But it’s not, and God knows that. He knows the thousands of details working behind the scene of our suffering that are preparing us for glory. He has the eternal perspective in view, which is why we can trust him.
And isn’t that so much better than believing in a love that only gives us what we want in the moment? God will have no spoiled children. How many of us can recount with thankfulness the times we asked God for relief, or for something specific, only to find out later that if the prayer had been answered our life would be much more miserable now? I know I have.
Suffering reminds us that God is God and we are not. But it also reminds us that this God is a God who takes care of his children every step of the way. It reminds us that God will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6). It reminds us that everything we ever needed is found in him. It reminds us that one day our weak faith will be made sight, and then we will know the meaning of it all. And in that day, when all tears are wiped from our faces, we will praise him for his love, wisdom, and salvation forever.
Does that statement sound familiar? Maybe you haven’t gone so far as to voice your concerns to that degree, but deep down, when you ponder suffering you are also afraid that God might choose you to be the one to bear the stamp of suffering. And if you were truly honest with yourself, you really don’t want to be that example for everyone else.
I mean, God is a loving God isn’t he? He is the very embodiment of love. How could he truly expect his child to endure lifelong suffering or terrible heartache? And when you do, how do you respond to your preconceived idea about his loving, wonderful plan for your life?
It is a term that gets thrown around quite frequently. God is love. But what does that mean? Does it mean he always gives us what we want? Does it mean he is non-judgmental? Does it mean he is a happy, father figure in the sky waiting to pour out blessing on us?
God’s Love is a Mysterious Love
To believe that God is love means we must learn to trust his heart, as Spurgeon said. We can all recall times where we have absolutely no idea what he is up to, or why is ordering our life a particular way. And I have good news for you, Christian. If you are in Christ, God’s heart is always favorable towards you (Romans 8:1). He always acts on your behalf in view of his love for you. He will never give you anything that is not sovereignly designed for your good and ultimate glory (Genesis 50:20, Romans 8:28). Like every good father, he knows our deepest need—even if we cannot see it. He is ready and able to meet that need, even if it means taking us through devastating trials and suffering. It is all from his loving hand. Sometimes it is a great mystery to us, but our suffering is never an unknown to him.
God’s Love is a Better Love
Jesus knew our tendency to doubt God’s love for us, and so he used the best analogy possible for helping us see the depth of God’s care (Matthew 6:25-34). All we have to do is look at earthly fathers and their care for their children. A good father always provides, always cares, and always gives his child everything she needs. He knows his child better than she knows herself. And Jesus says something profound, “God’s love is better than that.” God is infinitely more wise, loving, and willing to provide for those who are his. Every single thing we receive is because he knows we need it, and he knows that something much better is waiting for us.
God’s Love is a
Forward Looking Love
Because we are often in the dark about God’s purpose for our suffering, we are tempted to draw our conclusions about him from what our eyes can see. The reality is that in suffering our eyes are usually blurred with tears and pain. We must always go back to his character and his past promises as the basis for our hope in the midst of this suffering. If we would not make conclusions about those we hold dear in the deepest moments of suffering, we must not make conclusions about our God either.
Two and a half years ago I suffered a miscarriage. In the months following I was gripped with fear that something would happen to my husband. There were a variety of things that contributed to this fear, but the greatest one was the fact that I felt like God could not be trusted with those I loved. If he took my baby, what would stop him from taking my husband, too? I was using my circumstances as a test for his goodness, rather than trusting that he had a good, long-term purpose for all of the pain. Fundamentally, I did not believe that he was for me. Yes, he can take my husband and he will have done me no wrong. But he is also not in the business of taking every good thing from us just because he can. I needed to believe that his love for me ran much deeper than my earthly pleasure. His love, evidenced in my suffering, had eternal purposes (1 Peter 1:6-9, 5:10).
When we face suffering and trials we are tempted to think that this moment is all there is. But it’s not, and God knows that. He knows the thousands of details working behind the scene of our suffering that are preparing us for glory. He has the eternal perspective in view, which is why we can trust him.
And isn’t that so much better than believing in a love that only gives us what we want in the moment? God will have no spoiled children. How many of us can recount with thankfulness the times we asked God for relief, or for something specific, only to find out later that if the prayer had been answered our life would be much more miserable now? I know I have.
Suffering reminds us that God is God and we are not. But it also reminds us that this God is a God who takes care of his children every step of the way. It reminds us that God will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6). It reminds us that everything we ever needed is found in him. It reminds us that one day our weak faith will be made sight, and then we will know the meaning of it all. And in that day, when all tears are wiped from our faces, we will praise him for his love, wisdom, and salvation forever.
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