Before Our Formation He Knew Us

Every morning I stare at a picture on my bedroom wall that has a silhouette of an unborn baby. In the picture the baby is held in the palm of God's hands. Underneath the picture is this verse:

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you." - Jeremiah 1:5

My mom bought me this picture shortly after we lost our first baby. For the last two years the picture has served as a memory of the precious life we never knew, but also as a painful reminder of what we were seemingly unable to have again. Every piece of the picture is formed by bible verses that talk about the value of life. As I looked at this picture every day I would often cry out to God begging him for the blessing of another life.

The picture took on a whole new meaning when we found out about this pregnancy, and now the twins. I have said before that fear has been a constant struggle for me. And while the picture once served as a memory of the baby we lost, it now reminds me daily that God is the one who knows our children better than I do. Yes, I am connected to them. Yes, my very life is the source of their life. But in the most real sense I do not truly know them yet. I only know of them. God, who is the sovereign creator of all life, knows them deeply. He knows what they will be like. He knows who they will look like. He knows their interests, their faults, the color of their eyes, and even the number of days they will live on this earth.

And this is why I can trust him with their lives.

While I am their mother and the one who will take care of their every need, there are many things I can never know about them because I am not God. This should give me reason to hope in his goodness, not retreat in fear. The reality of his knowledge of them is a precious reminder that he loves these babies even more than I do. Not only did he intricately create them, but he knew their very souls before he even created them.

God is not indifferent to these lives growing inside of me. In fact, he's the complete opposite. Down to the very hairs (or lack of hair) on their head, he knows and loves them more than I ever could. And that is saying a lot! I can trust him with these babies because he cares for me and them in ways that I cannot even begin to comprehend.

The truth I have to keep coming back to is that ultimately these babies are his anyway. Daniel and I are only stewards of these precious gifts. And because they are his I can give them to him in faith knowing that he loves them and knows them even now.

A Baby Story: Part 2

We went in for our first ultrasound on August 29, and to say that I was nervous would be a huge understatement. There is something about having a previous pregnancy loss that makes all of the tests less exciting for me. While I had no indicator that something could (or would) be wrong, meaning that I still had pregnancy symptoms, I just couldn't shake the previous memory in my head. The memory of having an ultrasound that revealed a baby who had stopped growing, not a baby with a heartbeat. The Lord really met me in my fear, but I wasn't exactly elated to go in for the ultrasound that morning.

Thankfully we didn't have to wait that long. The ultrasound tech made small talk with us on our way back to the room. One of the questions she asked is if this was our first baby. Usually I say "yes" only because I don't think people want (or need) all the details of our miscarriage. But this time, I thought it was helpful to let her know that it was not our first pregnancy and that I was nervous about this ultrasound. She didn't really respond to my answer, which I don't think meant anything. But it did make me even more nervous. Daniel said later that he was thinking "oh great, just what we need, an insensitive ultrasound tech." But as the morning went on she quickly became our favorite ultrasound tech.

As she started the ultrasound we couldn't see anything yet (they displayed the ultrasound on a big television in front of us). And she wasn't saying anything. Which were the longest few seconds of our lives! Then she smiled, which I interpreted as "the baby is fine." Boy, was I mistaken! Then she said:

"Do you want to see the heartbeat?"

And then we saw the most beautiful thing we have ever seen, our little baby. Immediately I was overwhelmed with emotion. I don't cry very easily, but I could not help tearing up when I saw our little jelly bean. And then in the midst of all my motherly joy came the other exciting piece of information from our beloved ultrasound tech:

"And there is the other heartbeat."

What?!?! Immediately, being the brilliant person that I am, I asked:

"Why are there two heartbeats?"

In all of my reading about pregnancy I had never once read about a baby having two heartbeats on the first ultrasound. I was seriously thinking that maybe baby's have two heartbeats at first or that you can see them from two parts of the ultrasound. And that, my friends, is why I do not have a career in medicine. So then she explained to me (because Daniel had already realized what was going on):

"That's because you have twins."

I have replayed that statement over and over in my head the last two weeks. We have twins. When we went in for the ultrasound we were just hoping for one healthy baby, but to have the added blessing of two just put us over the happiness edge! I literally screamed when she gave us the news. And I must say, she was really good at telling us. We kept praising her for her skill at revealing our twins to us. She probably thought I was crazy because I couldn't stop screaming and talking, which is what I do when I'm really excited (think my engagement video, if you have seen it). I'm pretty sure I replayed the entire pregnancy up to that point to our ultrasound tech because I was just so excited. I literally can't make my mouth stop when I get like that!

As I have struggled with fear throughout this pregnancy I felt like the Lord was reminding me in that moment that he delights in giving good gifts to his children. And these sweet babies are such a precious gift.

Part of the reason we were shocked with the news was because I thought I would be throwing up all of the time with twins. And while I feel pretty bad most of the time, I just thought I would feel worse. But again, I have nothing to really compare it to, so what do I know about how I am supposed to feel!

The Rundown on the Twins and Momma

- Right now they look like they are in the same sac. But my doctor said that this could change. Early ultrasounds (I was 8 weeks 5 days at the first ultrasound) sometimes miss the dividing membrane that would put them in separate sacs.

- If they are in the same sac they are identical. The biggest prayer request we have right now is that they not share a placenta. That can make it more risky for them. Will you pray that the Lord keeps them safe regardless of their placenta situation?

- I was not on any fertility drugs at the time we got pregnant. I actually haven't been on fertility drugs for over a year. That is what makes it even more amazing. Every pregnancy is from the Lord, but this just causes us to rejoice in his kind provision even more. He has truly done great things!

- They looked healthy and had great heartbeats (174 bpm). I will have an ultrasound every time I go to the doctor and will start seeing a high risk doctor as well around 16 weeks. He will monitor their growth more closely.

- Here is a random fact. This is the second set of twins in my immediate family. My brother and his wife have twins (a boy and a girl) and twins do run in my family (my maternal great aunt and great uncle are twins).

Thank you so much for sharing in our joy and for praying for us. We are so excited and at times can hardly believe it's happening!

A Baby Story: Part 1

It's been a crazy month and a half around here. Between finding out about our baby (then finding out we had two of them!), starting a new school semester, and traveling to Florida for my brother's wedding, we have had little time to process and breathe, or blog!

For those of you who have been reading the blog for any amount of time, you probably already know that we had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and have since struggled with infertility. We had grown quite accustomed to the monthly disappointment of a negative pregnancy test. Our hearts were weary, and we were beginning to think that God was closing the door of pregnancy for us and leading us towards adoption. For us, adoption was never a "plan B" option. But we had always hoped to have children both through adoption and pregnancy. The week before I took the test I really felt like God was preparing my heart for the reality of never being able to get pregnant again.

So when I took the test, it was a formality for me. I didn't feel pregnant. My heart was starting to be settled in the Congo or Ethiopia, thinking of the children God might provide for us. I had no inclination that I could be pregnant. In fact, I was just expecting another frustrating "not pregnant" result. And I was so wrong, because this is what popped up!

 

 

To say that we were shocked would be an understatement. There is something about seeing the word "pregnant" after two years of seeing the opposite that just takes your breath away. I could not believe it! In fact, I was so surprised that I carried the test around with me all morning just so I could stare at it frequently. And since we were so shocked and excited, we had to take a picture with the test together!

 

 

While my initial reaction was one of excitement and joy, my elation quickly turned to fear and anxiety. I began thinking of all of the variables that could possibly happen. I started obsessing over symptoms (or lack of symptoms). And even when the nausea kicked in with full force, I still couldn't shake the overwhelming fear that would overtake me some days (and still does). What I have had to learn throughout this first trimester is that no amount of symptoms, ultrasounds, or medical advice will remove my fear. It might give me momentary relief, but those ugly fears begin to rise up quicker than I would like them to. Why? Because circumstances will always fail me. Daniel asked me the other day if I feel like I have had to trust God more with this pregnancy than I have ever had to trust him before, and I had to say "yes." With infertility I had many fearful days, but they were not constant. But with this, it is a daily dependence on the God who sustains the universe and the little ones growing inside of me.

While I can hardly think straight most days, I'm thankful that God has allowed me to see my sinful fear and given me a place to go with those fears--straight into the refuge of his grace.

So, how am I feeling? Pretty pregnant. And I am so thankful for that. Every bout of nausea and exhaustion reminds me of these precious gifts we have been given. Do I like it? No, but I'm thankful for what it is pointing to--healthy babies. The nausea kicked in around five and a half weeks and has been my constant companion these last five weeks. I pretty much can only eat plain things. And no meat. Chicken and beef sound awful to me right now. I haven't cooked in weeks (my poor husband). I have never been so tired in my entire life, and I had mono in college, so that's saying something. But considering that these are all symptoms of a healthy pregnancy, I am not complaining at all!

All in all, this pregnancy is a constant reminder to us of God's gracious kindness towards us. These babies are a gift that we did not deserve, but that we praise him for every single day we have with them. He truly has turned our mourning into dancing. He has done great things for us. And he has given us two precious blessings that we cannot wait to meet. Which leads to the next post. We had no idea that we could be pregnant with twins. And that day is a whole post in itself!

To be continued...

Being a Pastor's Wife is an Exercise in Faith

My husband and I got married when we were both in seminary. He was also a part-time youth pastor. We had a short summer break after our wedding before it was back to the grind of school, work, and ministry. My dad was (and still is) a bi-vocational pastor, so I knew what life was like for a family when dad is often getting home from church just in time for dinner on a Saturday evening only to get up way too early the next morning to finish his sermon. When I was eight my dad went to seminary, so I lived in a family where my dad was working on papers, working full-time, all the while trying to be a husband to one and dad to four young children. I had no illusions about what ministry would look like. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would take time. But knowing and believing are two very different things. When it came time to believe that God knew what he was doing, I had a much harder time accepting that this was going to be my life.

The life of a pastor’s wife in a lot of ways is no different than any other Christian wife. But there are some key universally held beliefs that really get tested in the trenches of loving a man in pastoral ministry. These truths are simply what I have learned in these last three years, and therefore not necessarily exhaustive or applicable to every situation. But I would imagine that many wives of pastors probably face some variation of these struggles at some point. If you fit in that category, I hope my struggle towards faithfulness is a help to you.

Believing that God’s Word Changes Lives

If you had asked me four years ago what is the most pressing need for our churches I would have wholeheartedly said, “the preaching of God’s word!” I love the Bible. I believe that biblical preaching is needed in our churches. I believe that when we gather together on Sunday morning we desperately need to hear from God in his word.

But the real test comes on a Saturday afternoon, when my husband is immersed in his final sermon preparation. Do I believe that God’s word preached is the greatest need of his people on Sunday morning? Do I really believe that the people in our congregation need to hear from God, even if it means spending Saturday alone?

If a pastor cannot give God’s word faithfully on Sunday morning, he has very little left to give God’s people. As wives of pastors we have a unique responsibility to help him in this amazing task. From giving him a space to work, to refraining from interrupting him until the sermon is complete (this is hard for me), every ounce of freedom we give him (especially on those lonely Saturdays) is an opportunity for us to exercise trust in the never changing power of the word of God.

Believing that Jesus’ Words are True

Of course we believe that when Jesus speaks it is true. When I was a new Christian I used to boast that I would leave everything for the sake of the gospel, even my family. And while I lived away from my family long before I married a pastor, it did not hit me until that move was permanent. We are settled in ministry. And it’s not near my parents, brothers, or nieces and nephews. Jesus’ words about leaving family for his sake take on a whole new meaning when it’s not an idealistic declaration any longer.

Many of us live thousands of miles away from our immediate families. We miss birthdays, holidays, and important milestones. Our kids miss precious time with grandparents. When Jesus said we would have to deny our closest relationships for his glory he meant it. The cost of following Jesus sometimes implies that we live far away from family. But it also means that we get to experience a little piece of what he was talking about when he said “who are my brothers?” In a lot of ways, our church family is our immediate family now. We are with them at the 4^th of July picnic and on Christmas morning. And we give thanks with them around the table on Thanksgiving. While we lose memories with our immediate families, we gain new, lifelong memories with our brothers and sisters in our congregations that are little foretastes of heaven.

Believing in the Coming Joy

Every sermon preached, every holiday missed, and every trial endured is an opportunity for a pastor’s wife to exercise faith in the God who can be trusted. We must daily fight to see that Jesus is better.  He is better than having your husband free all of the time.  He is better than living around the corner from your mom, dad, and siblings. He is better than stuff. He is better than our dreams for a nice house, extra spending money, well-behaved children (or any children), and a perfect marriage.

But there is more to the story. Because we are married to pastors we have a front row seat for all that God does through our husband’s ministry. We are there for the tears and we are there for the laughter. We are there for the criticism and are there for the praise. We get to see lives changed by God’s word. We get to see families restored through the power of the gospel. Even when it is hard, we can know that the difficulty is not all there is. Every trial endured, every lonely Saturday, and every missed family gathering is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison. And sometimes, just sometimes, we get to see a little glimpse of it this side of heaven.

We Will Not Fear

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore, we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." - Psalm 46:1-3

I read this verse to my classes on Friday. I knew I needed it, and I know enough about people to know that I'm not the only one who must daily do battle with my fears. What I love about this verse is that the psalmist does not say that trusting in God will remove all frightening circumstances. That would only be disheartening to us all. If you live long enough you know that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. But so does terror and suffering. The fallen world we live in promises that we will all be impacted by its rage at some point.

But what the psalmist does in the moments of fear is trust in the only one who can deliver him. Mountains being moved into the heart of the sea is enough to make anyone run and hide. I have never seen it. I'm sure if I did my heart would stop. The psalmist is saying that even if everything around him falls apart he will trust in God. God is the only one who can help him in such trouble. And why? Because God owns the mountains. God owns the seas. God owns every particle of this universe. There is nothing that happens outside of his sovereign will. And this is why we can trust him. Circumstances might tell us that they are the final authority in our life, but God's word says that he is. Circumstances might tell us that they will ruin us and destroy us, but God says that ultimate destruction will never happen to those who are his. Circumstances might tell us that we are alone and helpless, but God says that he will never leave us or forsake us.

In these terrifying moments it is tempting to look to our earthly provisions as our hope, but even those will fail us in the end. Instead we must say, along with another psalmist,

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." - Psalm 20:7

Friday is for Food: Yummy Penne Chicken

It's been a while since I posted a recipe on here, so I figured it was time. This was my first Pinterest meal. I am not really on Pinterest, but I got on one day to look for hairstyle ideas for my brother's wedding and started looking at recipes instead. That's why I don't get on Pinterest! I get overwhelmed and distracted!

Anyway, the recipe calls for shrimp, but shrimp is not my favorite so I used chicken. And I also used whatever veggies I had around the kitchen. I really liked the addition of greek yogurt. It made it taste really good!

Here it is!

Chicken and Veggie Penne

What you need:

• 12 ounces whole wheat penne
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 pinch crushed red pepper flakes
• 8 ounces button mushrooms, sliced
• 2 medium tomatoes (about 1/2 lb.) chopped
• Salt and pepper, to taste
• 4 cups fresh spinach
• 10 ounces medium raw shrimp, peeled and deveined (or 1 chicken breast)
• 1/2 cup marinara sauce
• 1/3 cup 0% plain Greek yogurt
• 1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese

How it's made:

• Cook penne according to package directions, omitting salt and fat. Drain and set aside.
• In a large skillet with a lid, heat olive oil over medium-low heat. Add in garlic and red pepper flakes, cook for 2 minutes or until garlic begins to soften.
• Add in mushrooms, tomatoes, salt and pepper. Cook for 5 minutes, or until mushrooms begin to release their water.
• Turn heat up to medium-high and add in shrimp. Cook for 1-2 minutes, or until shrimp are pink and opaque. If you are adding cooked chicken you do not need to do this step. Remove from heat, add in spinach and cover skillet. Let spinach wilt for 2 minutes.
• Remove lid and place skillet back over low heat. Add the penne, Greek yogurt and pasta sauce.Stir until sauce is mixed well and all pasta and veggies are coated. Heat until just warmed through. Top with parmesan cheese

Why We Can't (and Shouldn't) Always Be Productive

Every young women has probably had it said to her on at least one occasion, “make sure you pursue your dreams now, because once you get married (or have children) you will no longer be able to get as much done.”

In some ways this is what Paul had in mind when he talked about the single person being free to minister, while the married one is divided in her pursuits. But often when we hear people talk about marriage and children it is with a negative bent. Divided attention hampers productivity. And in our industrious society, what you produce is what defines you and gives you value.

The culture would have us believe that marriage is the end of all aspirations and productivity. You are now tied down. You aren’t free. You now answer to someone other than yourself. While marriage does limit the freedom of doing things on a whim and working until midnight every night, marriage also gives us a really important thing that God desires for us—greater personal holiness.

Suddenly, I can’t do everything I want to do all of the time. And that is a very good thing sometimes. Marriage has made me get outside of myself and examine my priorities. Marriage has made me die to my idols of productivity that hinder me from loving my husband more than I love my pursuits. Marriage has revealed just how utterly selfish I am about “my time.” Marriage is the God-ordained institution that points to the relationship between Christ and the Church. Completing my endless to-do list does not.

As created beings we were made to be productive and to work hard for God’s glory. But this is not the only thing we were created for, as much as our western world would have us believe otherwise. We were also created for relationships with friends, family, spouses, and children, and more importantly, a relationship with our Savior. It is through these relationships that I am stripped of my sin and idolatry. It is through these relationships that I am able to see Christ in greater measure. These are realities that a solitary pursuit of my own perfect productivity can never create.

Like I said, in the relationship of marriage I have to die to self, serve, and love another person. It’s not always pay raises and glory, but it’s good. It pays much greater dividends in the long run. And while I am still thankful for the days where I can get my to-do list completely checked off, I am learning to be much more thankful for the moments of relational intimacy that marriage provides. Productivity and relationships are not in competition with one another. They both are necessary in God’s economy. And they both can easily become idols if we are not careful.

And now that I am married I am on the other end of the advice giving to young women. The next time I feel tempted to imply that your dreams of productivity are over once you get married, I will stop myself. Marriage and family are not the dashing of our dreams; rather they are the reorientation of these dreams. Through marriage and family our aspirations and desire for productivity are tempered and sanctified by the beauty of living life with another person. And that is a very good thing.